Yesterday's Tomorrow

...a little personal space, is a GOOD thing

2010-06-03T16:37:00.009-04:00

contentment : )

kisses
and some cheese!

I have had the very best day today!

It all comes down to the baby getting a little more sleep. I hate to even write it out, because I don't want it to change... : )
...but she seems to be starting to fall into a tiny bit of a routine.
On the days when she isn't ravenously hungry that is (which tends to go in bouts of two-three days).

For the last two days, I have been able to get her back to sleep in the morning, before I go and get the other kids out of their room. They have been getting up and playing nicely until I come get them, about 30 minutes later, which is pretty good I think!

The day starts off much nicer when I am actually able to eat in the morning! : ) Plus the kids get a little time with me, that isn't about Alora, which is nice for all of us! I can not tell you how much easier it is for me to just sit with her nursing, having had a little bit of time to eat, play with the kids, and even brush my teeth!

This morning she actually slept long enough to vacuum, wash and put away the dishes, AND clean the kitchen floor! I know that I can't count on her to do it every day, but I'll take it when it comes around! I think it's a little sad to be as excited as I am to do housework, but when you have absolutely no time to do anything for awhile, you become more appreciative about lots of things that seem small or silly even.

Alora is growing so fast I can't believe it! She is getting so big and awesome, too! She can focus on things very intently now. She is so alert at times, and is getting better at being by herself for small periods of time in her bouncer or the swing(looking up at her own reflection).

She smiles and smirks, and is starting to coo when she's happy and grunt when she starts to get frustrated. She can cry with the best of them, but isn't generally a grumpy baby. She has an appointment coming up on Monday, and I look forward to seeing how much she weighs now. People ask and I have no idea. I can tell she's gained though, because she now has a roll or two on her little thighs and her feet have become much chubbier, too!

An added bonus to her sleeping longer stretches of time, other then being able to breath my own air occasionally, is that we finally got a garden in!

We had Alora at a terrible time as far as having time to get out and get dirty, but we decided that we would just buy all our plants this year... and obviously she was worth the change! When we got out into the yard we were very pleased to see how amazing our compost was this year. We were able to work in enough to not have to buy any extra for the first time! We also discovered about 10 orphan tomato plants while we were weeding, that had we started earlier we surely would have not recognized and just turned under. We transplanted a few that were in bad spots and also left a couple of groups of them and will wait and see what we end up with. Last year we had only one, but it turned out to be one of our biggest producers, and this year another one popped up right in the same spot. Fun stuff!

We lost the rosemary, but the sage, oregano, lemon thyme, and summer savory all overwintered well. By the time we got out there, they were huge! I need to go out and harvest them so they don't go to seed. I am going to harvest more right now than I got at the end of last season! : ) We were able to find string beans at the store. I have always grown them from seed, so figured I wouldn't have them this year, so that was a pleasant surprise! We also bought and planted a green, yellow, and red pepper, two banana peppers, a red hot cherry and cayenne pepper, three basil, a rosemary, an early girl and celebrity tomato(which we've done well with, in the past), and an heirloom tomato we haven't tried before, as well as a bush cucumber and zucchini plant.

It won't be quite as big as last year's garden, but certainly big enough to get the benefits of stress relief and also some yummy food to harvest. I love that the kids go out and help us and really know where real food comes from. They love peppers, tomatoes, and green beans right out of the garden. It's so cool that they love raw veggies, and I think it is because of their exposure to fresh food growing in the backyard.
I am beginning to hear the pitter patter of little feet upstairs, but I am so glad that I was able to put up a post today! Hope all is well out there in bloggyland! : )

Today I am thankful that Alora is starting to mature, now let's hope it doesn't happen too fast!!
I am grateful to have a garden this year, because I wasn't sure we'd be able to pull one off this year!
I am grateful to have had an awesome day, to recharge and enjoy just about every moment of the day!! : )

7 weeks later...

2010-05-29T14:11:00.000-04:00

Not a single post in over 7 weeks!
I can't believe it!

{ I should start by saying that this seriously started out being titled 4 weeks later.... yikes!
I might also mention that since this has taken me over 3 weeks to actually finish, it ended up getting longer than I probably "should" post... but whatever... my blog isn't about rules... it's my outlet! I now return you to your regular programming. : ) }

It is incredible how fast the time flies! I feel like I had 4 more kids instead of just one! I am often overwhelmed with the madness of it all. And I don't even mean overwhelmed in a crying heap in the corner kind of way (although I have my moments), I just mean in a holy crap, I have so many things to do in any given moment, kind of way.

I feel like things are starting, just starting to seem a little more reasonable. We made it to the park today again(sooo much fun!), and I even went and walked the reservoir last night ALL.BY.MYSELF!!! That, btw, was awesome and I am hoping to do it as often as possible.
I'd love it every day, but I'll take 3-5 days a week for now. I was only gone a half hour round trip, so I think that's pretty good. As time goes on I'll be able to leave for even longer periods of time. I look forward to that too, but for now Alora needs her a lot of Mama lovin!! : )

I wish that I was at a place that I could come on here and post more often. I miss it. But I am happy just to be able to eat right now, and occasionally get to pee by myself... but not often! : )
If I had laptop that would be nice, because then I could write the posts while nursing. But I don't have that many quiet times whiles she nurses because of the other rascals. I often make sandwiches or try to clean up while she eats out of necessity. She isn't a super crazy, every second nurser, like Sophia was, except for when she is having a growth spurt... but since that has been most of her life so far... it seems like all the time.

She is so sweet though. She is super mellow most of the time. And although she nurses often because she is still so little, she sleeps soundly at times and has the capability to completely relax, which is very cute and nice for everyone when it occurs. She smiles now and it lights up her whole face. She looks kind of grumpy when she's not smiling, just like her brother. Her birthmark, which is a lot like Sophia's, looks like an angel to me... or quite possibly a squirrel! : ) We'll see how it changes as she grows. Her sister and brother still love her beyond belief. They want to hold her and kiss her every minute of the day. For the most part Alora likes the attention, except for every once in awhile, and I guess we all want to breath our own air sometimes! : )

Let's see, what else has been going while I was away?

Since I posted about her birth A LOT of things have happened around our house... I guess that is always the case. I don't know when it happened, but somehow I turned into that annoying girl at work who ALWAYS had some kind of drama going on. You know the one I'm talking about, she always had some story and usually it wasn't her fault, but ALWAYS there was drama(even if there wasn't) to be talked about to anyone and everyone that would listen...

I honestly don't thrive on it... it just seems like there is always something going on lately. Maybe this is my karma for silently judging those girls as drama queens... I'm not sure.

So let me fill you in on our latest drama and you can judge me as you see fit! :P

A week after Alora was born, Al was putting the two middle kids to bed when he realized he had forgot to grab socks. The socks were downstairs NOT getting folded or paired or put away, because no one can fold the socks like Mama does(ahem...).
So he ran downstairs quickly to grab them. I was in my chair, nursing the baby. He had been downstairs for about 30 seconds when we heard the most horrible thunk followed by an ear piercing scream. We both ran upstairs immediately. I got there right after Al did and knew just from looking at her that Sophia was broken. I went in and tried to calm her down by hugging her(baby still at my breast) and trying to sooth her, but she was inconsolable for a few minutes. After a minute we were able to get her to stop crying and take a good look at her and I could tell by the way she held her arm that she had to go to the hospital.
It turns out that although we have rules about Roscoe not being allowed on the top bunk, Dad usually lets them get up there together right before bed, and when he ran downstairs they started to bounce on the bed(one reason for the rule). Roscoe bounced Sophia right off the bed. She fell onto her face(there was a huge bruise on her face and you could see where her entire face had just whacked the ground), she had tried to protect her face with her arm and the pressure cracked the bone. She and Dad went off to the emergency room and 4 hours later she came home with a bright orange cast on her left arm.

The worst part is that this is actually the SECOND time she broke her left arm!! I swear the neighbors think we beat her or something... The first time she and I were walking up the stairs when she slipped. I was going up behind her(5 months pregnant with Roscoe at the time), but I had my hands full of laundry and although I dropped it and tried, I wasn't able to catch her. She went right between my legs, and I actually lost my balance and almost fell right on top of her. She fell down about 4 stairs and broke her arm up by her elbow. This time the fracture is by the wrist. Poor kid! I tell her that she is going to have the strongest left arm bone of anyone she knows! : )

She, by the way, is (now) absolutely fine. She did great with the cast and it didn't seem to bother her at all. I think it bothered us more than her! The biggest problem was that she couldn't play in the mud and get completely filthy, like usual. She got the cast off on Monday and we were all excited about that! : )

The next major drama, I think, was 4 days after Sophia had broken her arm.
Alora was 2 weeks old at the time.
Al was so tired while he was driving home he fell asleep while driving home from work!! He was trying to do so much to help things run smoothly, that he forgot to take the best care of himself.
He says it felt like he closed his eyes for just a second, but that's all it takes.
He drifted over the rumple strips and into the median. The median at the point he hit was like a really tall chain link fence. He hit several before he regained control. The car was a 1999, and was determined a complete loss by the insurance company.
The truth is there was a lot of body damage(the roof, the left front end, the windshield on the left side). BUT, it was still drivable and no engine damage, so we had been hoping to get it fixed. The insurance company did give us a fair price. Blue book minus our deductible, so it worked out.

The scariest part of the whole thing, was thinking of all the "what if" situations that COULD have happened. You know like, he hit someone else.. with kids in the back... or run into the back of a truck(which there are many on his commute). That he could have been hurt badly and not been able to work.. or of course taken some one's life or lost his own life.

I feel very grateful that all that was damaged was a car. It was a reminder that everyday is precious. It was a reminder to take better care of ourselves as parents, because without us, the kids can not be ok on their own. It shook me up quite a bit, but it could have been SO much worse. We ended up going about a month with only the minivan. It cost us a bundle in gas money, and made me feel a little "stuck" in the house. Our park is close, but not close enough to walk to with three kids, one being a newborn especially! We were able to find a nice enough car for Al to use with around what we got from insurance. Bonus being, it gets great gas mileage.

We have not planted a garden this year. We just haven't been able to get it done. BUT every year for mother's day I get a hanging basket for each kid(yay me!). This year I picked up a few from the farmer's market for 1/3 of what it would have cost at Home Depot(support your local farmer's folks!!!).
Alora took a super long nap the other day and the kids and I got to plant a bunch of mixed flower pots together and had a great time! I have so many pictures I'd like to add, but it is such a pain in the butt here. I haven't even put up a single picture on flickr either.... yikes! That is probably my next miracle naptime hour.(This time the kids are ALL asleep because of our 2 hour hike/walk/feeding the ducks/playground fun today. Hopefully, the more we get out the more I get an hour of peace? Hey, I'll take it when I can get it right? : )

Alright this is already a mini-novel...
I hope that you all made it to the end! : P
I hope that you all are enjoying your own crazy lives!

Today I am grateful that my kids are all asleep right now!
I am thankful to have a family so full of life and love, without them things would be WAY too quiet! : )
I am thankful that my husband is still around to irritate the crap out of me, and be my partner in this wacky life we lead!
I am also thankful I have a few people out there who will read my mini-novels, when I actually have time to write them... if any of you did that is!!! : )

A picture journey to a new life!

2010-04-09T00:32:00.008-04:00

It started out a pretty normal day.

We were taking a few shots of the belly to show the latest growth.

This is the belly at 40 weeks and 4 days.

While taking photos contractions hit...
nothing too intense, but enough to breath through.

Happy to have a break! : )

Little did we know that although these had been going on for the better part of two days, off and on, about 5 minutes apart for a few hours at a time.. and then stopping and starting and so on... that this time it was the real deal!

The hubby had gone up to take a bath and I was fiddling around on the computer, when I started to feel like maybe these contractions were not only still five minutes apart... but also getting a little too strong to be "practice" ones anymore. I didn't go up and tell Al until they had been going on for almost an hour... because the truth is we were all tired of false calls, but around 11:30 pm, I went up to let him know he might want to come and time them again. After about 4 more contractions I was in full toning mode, on hands and knees leaning into my ball to get through them and telling him to call in to the birth center.

We had planned on having the whole family at the birth, but the fact that it was almost midnight by the time we were headed out the door, I decided at the last minute to leave the little kids at home with Emily and just go with Al.

This is a shot of us in between contractions at about 2 in the morning.

Seconds after being born.

Me staring in amazement just moments after giving birth to my newest little bundle of love:

Alora Dorthea Fey

April 6, 2010

4:36 AM

8 pounds 3 ounces, 19.5 inches

Daddy getting in his first hugs

Getting ready to go home and introduce little Alora to the rest of her family...

feeling a little goofy with the endorphins and endlessly amused by the monkey butt! : )

The kids meeting their new sister.

Roscoe fascinated by his new sister.

Emily holding her new sister.

Alora with the hint of a smile, swaddled and content! : )

Sophia finally gets to hold Alora!

Roscoe gets to hold his new sister, too!

A picture of us the next day.

I hope that you all can forgive the extra days to let you know that she finally arrived. Of course, now that she has, things have been hectic and amazing and busy and new... there has been a lot of love and only a little sleep!

The kids are all doing well, but there is adjusting going on.

I am feeling incredible... but the sleep deprivation wall is looming ahead in my near future, for sure! I haven't gotten more than 2 hours sleep at a time since the night before she was born, I have a hard time winding down and by the time I am ready, she is up and ready to eat all night long! I can not describe to you the joy and amazement and love I feel for her already. I already can not remember what it was like to not have her in our lives. Isn't it crazy how fast your entire world can change? : )

I hope that you all are doing well and thank you for all the positive energy and love sent our way! I hope to be able to sit down and write about her birth... it was intense and amazing and different from all the others, but for now I just wanted to share some photos and the news of her arrival!

Today I am thankful to have a beautiful new daughter to love and cherish and learn from!

A good weekend, even sans Baby Fey!

2010-04-05T10:31:00.003-04:00

Just a quick note to let everyone know we are still waiting for Baby Fey.
We had a really great Easter. The bunny visited our house and got the kids some cool garden tools and fun stuff. We went out to brunch with my sister and her family. The food was good, the company was better, and the kids were reasonably well behaved (Roscoe IS two, so I'll take what I can get!).

We came home and I spent about an hour in a squatting position(good for getting that baby to drop down) while weeding the herb section of the garden. I am happy to say that we have returning Thyme, Lemon Thyme, Summer Savory, Oregano, and possibly Rosemary. Funny enough the Rosemary is usually the hardiest of those herbs, but the winter was hard and I may or may not of cut it back far enough... the jury is out on that one still.

After that, I got to take an hour and a half nap before being awakened by strong contractions. I had contractions every 4-5 minutes for over two and a half hours... but deep down I knew it wasn't time yet. I was 15 minutes away from calling in to the midwives when they stopped for about an hour. I am super glad I waited because it was Easter and I had really not wanted to call wolf during some one's celebrations. They started up again two more times (4-5 minutes apart) last night for about an hour each time. I am doing my best to remember that this is the way that my babies come... slowly... tortuously even... but that my labors usually go very well, and I think it is because my body does much of the getting ready process long before(real labor) actually starts.

I am feeling pretty well, even though I am not getting much rest. I continued to have strong contractions, but without much pattern throughout the night. If I was a betting woman I would say I still have about a week... but I also am HOPING that I don't... because the truth is these things are uncomfortable and often painful, and when I don't get a baby at the end of them... they don't seem as useful... although I know they are in the whole picture kind of way.

I think the thing that is the most frustrating about the waiting is that although deep down I think it will be next week... every time the contractions start I can't help but think... well maybe this IS it. It makes it hard to do much other than obsess over when Baby Fey will get here. The contractions are fairly constant at this point.

The hubby and I are doing pretty well, it is hard on everyone to wait... but I think that having re-established some connection has helped us. We continue to meditate/spend time/talk/regroup together on a daily basis and burn a candle with positive thoughts, hopes, and dreams every night. I am sure that doing this nightly is helping us to feel more and more connected and ready for this little one's arrival. There have been a moment or two of frustration between us over the last week... but not much and never explosive or really intense. I think that we are doing great, especially since we added in a major holiday and group family time into the mix! : )

I'm not sure how often I will come on before the baby gets here... there's not much new going on right now... same stuff everyday... contractions, questions, and some level of disappointment when things slow down again and then start again... and stop again... you get the point.

I hope that every one has had a nice weekend and that this beautiful weather we are having has reached your corner of the world! We had a bursting of Spring at our house with all the daffodils and 5 or 6 hyacinths coming up and blooming over the last week! I LOVE Spring so much and can't help but feel hopeful and renewed with the earth during this time of year!! : )

Today I am thankful for a beautiful weekend.
I am grateful that seriously my time as a pregnant woman is ticking down (no matter how slowly it might seem)!
I am grateful that the flowers have sprung and are scenting the air around our front porch with the most delicious scent of Spring!! : )

No baby yet....

2010-03-31T08:44:00.003-04:00

Ok folks here's the dealio.

It's HARD to be a vessel!!
The hardest thing for me during pregnancy is the fact that although everything depends upon me... I have no real control over anything that is happening in my body. I can eat well, and exercise(which I do). I can try not to get too stressed and get enough rest(which I also do to the best of my ability)... but really there's nothing that I can do about most of the things that my body just does as part of nature. I am a vessel. It can be a beautiful thing, I got to feel all those first little flutters. I have an intimate relationship with this new little person that no one else has had the opportunity to experience yet. And although I know that the things that I do and don't put in my body make a difference in how this new little life developed and grew, when push comes to shove, I can't really control what is going on in there.

I had no power over whether or not my placenta would attach properly in the very beginning of this journey. I could not save the little embryo that wasn't meant to become a fully formed little person, in my early months. I can not force this baby to be born any sooner than it is supposed to be born. I am but a vessel. I have a huge part in this miracle of bringing new life into the world, but no control over how it goes about happening. That is a very humbling thing to accept. I must admit that it is very difficult for me. I feel such responsibility, but have no control at all to change the way that things are going... and it is a struggle for me.

I went in for my weekly checkup yesterday. I had been planning on starting a serial sweeping of my membranes. Last week things were perfectly aligned for me to be swept, but it was too early. My cervix was not effaced(thinned out) yet, but I was dilated to a good roomy 1 and we figured with my daily contractions that I would have more progress by yesterday. Also although the baby's head wasn't engaged(that never happened with my last until I was actually pushing him out) the baby was easily moved into my pelvis to put the right pressure onto my cervix to do the sweep.... last week that is.

Yesterday when I went in I was feeling a good amount of anxiety. I feel pretty torn about messing with nature and trying to push my will upon it. I have been going back and forth about doing the sweep and how comfortable I am with it. Although it isn't a chemical induction it is a "medical procedure" that can have consequences. Things like accidentally breaking the amniotic sac, which could be a big problem if labor wasn't spontaneous after that... causing a hospital birth and possible chemical intervention to help get things started.... all of which is about as far from what I would "like" my experience to be as it could be! And honestly it's not just about what I want my birth experience to be like.... it also has a lot to do with the way that I feel about birth in general. I really do believe that the least amount of tinkering with this natural process is the best. BUT, I also have this hernia repair... which tweaks and stretches in a painful way everyday at this point... so I let my fear of rupture get the best of me and "planned" this procedure. The amount of internal struggle that I was feeling over getting it done was obvious. It was obvious enough to my midwife that she wasn't sure if she should even go through with it. We talked for a bit and she left it up to me, but said it would be fine for me to NOT get it done. I waffled and discussed it some more with her and my husband but in the end, I decided yes..... let's just do it.

So I bared my bits for her to examine, not the most comfortable thing in the world. My husband was there holding my hand( the sweeping is down right painful and I wanted his support)... and then nothing! Well, not really that quickly, but I could tell something was wrong from the beginning of the exam. The midwife was able to fit only one finger inside my cervix still, so I had no more dilation over the week, and my cervix didn't efface at all yet, still. The baby's position also made it impossible to move into the pelvis, so there wasn't the right pressure and she simply couldn't do the procedure.

ACK!!!

I can not describe the amount of disappointment that I felt. I have been thinking about and anticipating this for two weeks. I have been having daily contractions for months. The night before I had gone to bed early, because I am getting so tired... only to be waken up with contractions, that although I knew were not "real" labor were strong enough that I couldn't sit still(or sleep) through them. I had to rock and walk and tone just a little to get through them. They lasted for 3 and a half hours, about every 5 minutes, sometimes every 2.
For nothing.
I know that this is the way that my body works. Every baby has come later than my due date, which is not until Friday. And all of my pregnancies have had weeks of contractions that even last time with my THIRD baby, I still convinced midwives and myself were"real"... went down to the center and had all my people ready and everything... to end up with them stopping after a few hours and not being "the real thing". It is immensely frustrating!

Yesterday after I left the office I was pretty grumpy. I was feeling disappointed... I want to hold and kiss this baby!! Plus, there is a part of me that was happy to have some kind of "time" that I would be having this baby. I knew the possibilities that I still wouldn't have the baby after the sweeping but I had honestly not considered not even getting it done. I cancelled my appointment for today because there is no point unless my cervix effaces a little bit more, and I wanted a day off of the stress. I DID NOT cancel my appointment with the midwife tomorrow, because I want to leave my options open, and that is my internal struggle right now. I have decide if I should set myself up for probable disappointment again by going in and not being able to get the sweep done. I also have to decide if it wasn't the universe helping me to see that I was going against my gut by scheduling this thing in the first place. I honestly don't know what I am going to do yet.

I am headed out to the zoo with the kids today. I will walk 2-3 miles today and I'm sure that I will have oodles of contractions because of it. It is possible that I will have effaced more by tomorrow and that even if I don't, the baby's position could be better for the sweep tomorrow... but is that what I really want to do?
I just don't know.

Blah! I will do my best not to be a ball of stress today. My goal is to not think about it at all today(ha ha) while I am out with the kids. I want to take advantage of this time with them before everything changes, but that will be a hard task for me! Not enjoying my kids... I love spending time with them... just the not being distracted part... BUT I am going to do my best. I have been spending a lot of time praying and meditating over the last amount of time, and will spend some time doing the same this evening, and hopefully I will be comfortable with my decision by tomorrow morning, which ever way I decide to go with this.

I just wanted to let everyone know what was happening in our crazy little world right now. I hope that everyone is doing well. I will let you all know if anything happens. If I have the baby I will at least put up a quick announcement... if I don't you can bet that I will back on here venting my frustration and impatience! :P

Today I am grateful that my baby is happy and healthy inside my womb.
I am grateful that I am worrying about when I will get to hold this new little person and not why this life was taken away. (I just found out that a friend who was pregnant in the beginning of my pregnancy and lost her baby, finally got pregnant again and just lost this one as well, and I DO realize how incredibly lucky and blessed we are!)
I am grateful that one way or the other I will be holding my baby very soon... no one stays pregnant forever!! : )

A better place and three days to go!

2010-03-27T09:59:00.003-04:00

Well, the count down has made it down to three more days.
In reality there are more than likely more than that many days left to wait... but like I was saying I can't help but feel like there is a clock ticking somewhere.

We are not quite ready, but we are very, very close. We have one more load of laundry for the baby, to wash a new sheet and the new cloth diapers (for burping/spit ups and so forth... I would love to do cloth, but the reality is I don't have the patience for the laundry or mess of them.... or the money to buy the awesome covers they have now, those things are steep!!) and also to wash my wraps. Even with all the sling recalls in the news, I am still very confident in the wraps that I have. The slings that have been recalled seem to be the ones that were more about fashion and the trend of babywearing, and less about skin to skin contact. I have several wraps that I intend to use with this new little one just like the last two. I can't imagine not wearing my babies, especially in the first few weeks when they sleep so much and we are both in the adjustment period of not actually being connected to each other still. But never you fear, the baby will always be safe and in an upright position, right up next to my chin, heart to heart. I do have a sling as well(one that isn't all fluff and padding and has a lot of flexibilty for positioning), but I use that one once the baby is bigger and stronger and can sit by itself easily... or at least when it has good strong neck muscles!

Anyway, this wasn't supposed to be me getting on a soap box about babywearing! : P
I did want to come on and update everyone on my emotional and marital status. The other day when I wrote out all of my fears and anxiety onto the screen, it helped me to see how truly disconnected I had been feeling from my husband. Things between us had gotten into a negative rut, and we needed to change things up. So, I called him and reached out to him, without blame or guilt, and just told him that we needed to have some special time together. The truth is by the end of the day, with three kids and being so pregnant and his full time job... well by the end of the night we honestly don't have much left for each other. I am dead tired by the end of a day now, and with him picking up the domestic slack that I can no longer handle all of right now... he is too. So when we got everyone upstairs that night, instead of the usual collapse onto the couch with the TV turned on, we headed upstairs too. I went and took a shower while Al lit some candles in our room. We sat on our bed and rubbed oil on my belly. The baby moved around a lot and got the focus on the right thing!! We talked honestly and openly about our fears and our excitement about this impending change. We each lit a small candle and said a prayer for each other to have the strength and courage to try and live in the moment, and let go of our recent struggles to see eye to eye. It was a lovely way to reconnect and has done wonders for my state of mind and apparently his as well. We haven't fought over stupid nothings for the last two days, so something has changed for the better.
This is the hardest time of the pregnancy I think, the waiting is almost over but it isn't quite yet. All of our hopes and fears are on the forefront of our minds, all of the time. Everyone (the kids included) is ready to move on with this new chapter of our lives as a family and the waiting is becoming more and more difficult!

As for the technical aspects of having this baby things are looking pretty good. I got an internal exam last appointment(on Tuesday) and I am dilated to a super roomy one(the goal being 10 for the birth) but not effaced at all (which means my cervix is still very thick, we're going for 100% effacement). Since I that day though, I had an entire day where I felt a really strong pressure and had a hard time even walking around, the same day that I last posted actually, and I am pretty sure that I was either actively dilating or effacing that day because I was an emotional wreck as well. Now today, I feel pretty comfortable, both physically and emotionally, so I think it's pretty safe to say that there was some progress going on that day. The good news from my exam is that on Tuesday I will definitely be able to be swept (because they could have done it last Tuesday).

As I've said, I am a bundle of joy, excitement, anxiety, nervousness... everything that you can expect from someone about to have a baby in the next week or so. The one thing that I don't feel a lot of right now is fear. I am feeling really confident that no matter when I go into labor I am ready to work with my body to help this baby enter the world. I can't wait!!
I will keep you all updated as things continue to develop and change, as they are bound to do.
I hope you are all having a great weekend!

Today I am grateful that my husband and I took the time to try and reconnect.
I am grateful to have such supportive midwives (who I also talked with in my moments of darkness and fear).
I am grateful to have the beautiful family that I have, and can't wait to meet our new arrival! : )

and then there were FIVE!!!

2010-03-24T10:12:00.006-04:00

In five days I will start the process of tyring to start labor to have this baby. Although the baby might not make an entrance that day, it has felt like some kind of deadline to me. A more definite "date" than I usually have set in my head.
I am about to have another baby. my fourth baby. and I have never felt so alone. I feel alone in a constant sea of people. I spend my time taking care of everyone else and look around for someone to take care of me... and there is no one there.
Things between my husband and I are the hardest they have ever been. We can not seem to get on the same page. My patience is nonexistent for him to catch up to where I am.
I am worried about the labor. Doing this thing without interventions is totally possible... in a loving supportive environment.
I don't feel like I have that right now.
I simply can not understand the grand plan that needed me to have this baby RIGHT NOW... when everything is so screwed up. I have working so hard this entire pregnancy towards things getting better for us.... and it feels like I have been wasting my time. things are not better.
I am hurting so badly.
I feel like I could disappear in the despair and never come back out of it.
How am I going to give all of myself and more to a newborn precious child when I feel like I have nothing to give?
How are Al and I going to make it through all the sleepless nights when we can't make it one entire day without an argument over something insignificant right now.
If I really will only be given what I can handle why do I feel like I'm drowning?
I realize that I am in the middle of ridiculous amounts of hormonal fluctuations but that doesn't mean that the issues that I am worried about aren't real.
That also doesn't mean that I'm not prone to being a little melodramatic right now. I'm struggling to express myself right now so I thought that I would just write.
This all might be too raw to publish, but my heart needs to release some of the sadness, fear, and anxiety from with in.

*****************************************************

the darkness consumes me.
from the depths of despair I hear nothing but the breaking of my heart.
I'm surrounded by people but could not feel more alone.
all of their movement and noise is like the buzzing of flies around my head.
I want to listen to what they are trying to tell me, but it is all I can do to try and smile and send them on their way.
I long for sleep but when I finally lay down my head I can not close my eyes.
the images inside are ugly.
I stare into the darkness of my room while tears silently soak my pillow.
my tears are a river of my fears and worries and loneliness.
the incessant snores are a constant reminder that this is my burden to bear alone.
the movement in my womb gives me comfort.
we are in this together.
but this new partnership is the cause of so many of my fears.
how can I possibly be enough for this new little life?
how will I be able to do this alone?

******************************************************

I walked away after writing that poem and think that it actually made me feel a little better. I am still undecided if this will ever see the light of my actual blog.
It is so raw. My heart on the screen.
I cry when I read it, but somehow releasing it out into the world usually makes me feel better. I might sit with this for a little while before I make that decision.

********
Ok here we go. I am going to throw this out there today, but I have to add on that since I wrote this out this morning, I have talked with my hubby and we have a date tonight to try (again!) to get on the same page with each other and reconnect so that we can try and be there for each other during the this frenetic and somewhat overwhelming time. We both truly are excited about the birth of this baby. I am ready to get to those sleepless nights with a baby in my arms and although I know it will take some time to adjust to the newness for everyone involved... I for one am ready to get started on this new adventure!!
I also wanted to add in that I feel amazingly well physically still. I know what a blessing it is to not have all the discomforts of past pregnancies and if I wasn't such an emotional mess I think that I could go on being pregnant for another few weeks pretty easily.(that is of course a possibility so I should be careful saying so!!)
I have re-read everything over once again and it still makes me cry, but I have to say it is an amazing thing to purge some of your fears and worries out of your heart. I feel much better just giving those hard feelings some air. Thank you for indulging my need to release and thank you for bearing with me as I go through all the ups and downs of this crazy transitional period!

Today I am thankful that I have this outlet for some of my crazy. It helps give me perspective and see what I need to do to help myself get back on track.
(in this case seeing that I need to reach out to the one person who can truly help me through this.... I hope it works!)

I am grateful that the waiting will end soon one way or another and I will have my darling new little person in my arms!! I'm ready!

T minus two weeks

2010-03-17T10:03:00.012-04:00

37 weeks

silly shot while out and ENJOYING a beautiful warm "almost" Spring day!! : )

I was trying to get the huge belly shadow, but didn't pull it off very well!

a view from above, thanks to the hubster you can see his shoes : )

the most frightening perspective of all!

(pay no attention to the stains on the belly that are illuminated by the flash, I didn't know they were there until I saw them here.... because that's below my view! : P)

Al loves taking these kinds of scary view shots, and I have to admit it is sort of cool because that's not a way that I get to see the belly ever. It looks really big from down there... and it's funny because that is the view my kids probably see... no wonder they are always coming up to hug the belly... it probably looks pretty inviting to them !

Yesterday, I had an appointment with my midwives. The baby and I are both looking good! : )

(I have to sneak in and apologize in advance. For some reason I can't get blogger to put in my usual spacing between paragraphs and this post is a little long anyway ...and now looks a bit squished as well... which I think makes it harder to read... meh... sorry!)

While I was at the birth center I had the opportunity to talk with the local PBS station about the birth center. So I'm going to be on TV! : ) (They had called me in advance to ask if it would be ok if a part of my appointment was recorded and also if I would be willing to be interviewed.) It was very interesting for me. I happen to adore the birth center where I have already birthed two of my amazing children and hope to have the third... in the same room... on the same bed. It was a great opportunity for me to try and help other people, but especially women, to see what a difference there can be in a birth experience. For me it couldn't be any different than birthing in a hospital, at least my experience in a hospital, which granted was 15 years ago now. It still is a completely different idea of what is going on.

The medical community at large tends to think of birth as a medical emergency, whereas at the birth center looks at it as the natural culmination of a completely normal and healthy human process. That small difference in thought makes a huge difference to me... and my family. I love that I am able to go to a safe place to birth my child in the ways that my body beckons me to do it, with trained experienced women available to me if I need them. I love that I have been blessed with the ability to have already enjoyed one "perfect" birth. Roscoe's birth, I think should have an entire post on it's own, but sufficed to say that I can not think of a single thing that I would change about it... ok maybe I wouldn't have driven over an hour to get a Whopper(when I hadn't eaten at Burger King for at least a year... but it was a ridiculously strong craving...) to eat right before I went into labor... because let me tell you the Whopper burps (smelling of pickles, ketchup, and smoke flavoring), while dealing with the intensity of strong contractions wasn't very pleasant for anyone involved! But other than the occasional stinky belch, the birth itself was one of the most beautiful experiences I have ever had in my life. It is one of the very, very few experiences in my life that I can't imagine a single thing that could have made it better. The fact that my husband was such a big part of this experience and such a vital part of it as well, is one of the things that I cling to in our darkest hours. I have hopes that this next labor will help us to renew our commitment to making things as good between us as possible. The magic of watching and experiencing your body do exactly what women's bodies are made to do and have been doing for thousands of years is a sacred experience that deserves the respect that I feel it gets at the birth center that I am fortunate enough to utilize.

I think it is clear to see that I felt lucky to have been selected to speak with them to share my excitement and love of what these women try and accomplish... and then they asked if they could record the baby's heartbeat as well. Well, anyone who has a had a baby before knows that means baring the belly. My large incredibly mapped out and stretch marked, scarred from surgeries belly. At first I said yes, but I'd rather they didn't show my actual belly. I was hoping they could just record the sound or me and the hubby's faces or something. Then the camera man who was very nice and unassuming (although he carried a HUGE scary camera and had a tendency to put it about 2 inches from my face...) had a plan to cover me up with a sheet or some kind of medical covering... and I just couldn't do it. One of the things that I like so much about the center is how"un"medical they are about things. I don't get draped or covered up and it just seemed like a false representation of what they are all about. Soooo, I said just do it. Go ahead and video my big 'ol stretch marked belly. The truth is that I have so many old ones that this time around, having started out with a lot of extra skin to fill from losing all the weight before the baby, I don't have any new stretch marks. I doubt that I will get any actually. BUT because of how large my belly is now all the old white ones(from Sophia) and the light pink ones(from Roscoe) are all pulled taut and showing proudly... and I decided, you know what, I am no where near the perfect body image of pregnancy shown on TV. I have a real body, with real scars of my real beautiful children. I can't be ashamed of that. My belly is a map of all that I have gone through both good and bad to bring my children into this world... and that is beautiful, even if the actual skin might not be anymore.

Which brings me to the title of this post itself. I actually started it a few days ago, but have been out and about with my kids so it's taken a few days to write the whole thing. I am now only two days away from being 38 weeks along, and in my 39th week have decided to start a serial membrane sweep. For those who might not know, a membrane sweep is when a midwife will insert a finger or two (depending on how dilated you are at the time) into a somewhat dilated cervix(which I don't know if I have yet, we'll check at the time of sweeping, but with the amount of contractions that I have AND the fact that this is my fourth baby, it would SHOCK me to not be at least a roomy 1 by now, which is all they really need to do it) and run that finger(or two) around the top inside of the cervix separating it from the bag of waters. The process, as you might imagine sucks (I've had it done before), but its purpose is to irritate the uterus into contractions, thus starting labor. Pretty much, it is a non-chemical way to get the ball rolling. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. Serial sweeping is when you go and get this done three days in a row. The statistics are really only relevant for serial sweeping, otherwise a single sweep is kind of like a crap shoot.... it may or may not be the sweep that sets things off because they only will do it once you've reached a certain gestation and a certain approximate baby weight. It's about a 50/50 ratio on whether or not it will help begin real labor. The serial sweeping on the other hand has a higher ratio of working, and at my center one midwife in particular has the best reputation for starting labor, she will be doing mine on the third day.

The last pregnancy I started to try this at 39 weeks, because everyone was getting concerned about the size of the baby (his approximated weight from ultrasound was 11 pounds, it was over estimated he was just under 10). The hospital was pushing for a c-section and the midwives and I were doing our darnedest to get things moving, so that I could labor as I chose. I knew that I had the capability of birthing a large baby, and I was right. It wasn't an issue at all. BUT when I got the first sweep.. and it hurt... A LOT... and then didn't work except to give me hours of non-productive intense contractions. I already felt a bit torn as to whether it was the right decision anyway, so I decided against the serial sweeping and waited a bit longer before doing it again. Then at 41 weeks I had it done again... and this time, after a few hours I was in labor (now whether it was the sweep or not I don't know because I was also 41 weeks at that point... but it was with "long finger" Nancy as she is lovingly referred to when sweeping!).

The reason that I decided to start this process this time around is that last week while just going about my normal duties and activities, I felt something give near my hernia repair. Yikes! This has been a concern on mine since the beginning of the pregnancy. I have been concerned that it hadn't been long enough to heal my incisions and repair site properly, and unfortunately I believe that I am nearing my inner boundaries as far as how much I can safely stretch without tearing again. I haven't gained huge amounts of weight but I have gained more than I would have preferred. I have been eating well, and exercising throughout my pregnancy, but obviously not at my pre-pregnancy level and that change made gaining weight much easier, than I would have hoped for. Sufficed to say that I have concerns about letting this baby stay as long as it might intend to on its own (which for me is usually 41-42 weeks) and would like to do as much as I can to encourage it to come closer to 40 weeks this time. I will deal with the results of the sweep, whether they produce real labor or not, and I will go in all three days. If at the end of three days it hasn't worked I will take a few days off and then try again starting on Tuesday the next week. The day that I start the sweeping I will be 39.5 weeks so that the last sweep will be the day before my actual due date. So I feel like I'm not pushing it too much. The biggest thing I am concerned about is the actual pushing part of labor. I am a little worried that the intense pressure will tear the repair site and I might have to get it re-repaired(is that even a real word?). I hope that that does not happen, but after talking with the midwives, the only other solution is a c-section, and that is not a choice I am comfortable with, for only a possibility that a tear might happen. Even with my first child when it came to the pushing part I only pushed about 20 minutes. The last two have come in about 10 minutes(once I got to that stage), so unless something wacky happens the pushing stage shouldn't last too long. Unfortunately, since I felt something give the other day, I am in fairly constant discomfort now, so it is beginning to make me a little edgy. There's nothing to be done about it until after the baby is born, so that is why I decided to proactively schedule this serial sweeping. I hope that I've made the right decision, it feels a little wrong to try and push this little to be born for my convenience, but at the same time it is really my health that I am worried about. It's not like I'm doing it so I can go get my hair done or something. I just worry that if the baby grows for too much longer it will be that much more pressure on an already overextended weak spot. And the truth is that if the baby doesn't want to be born it won't be. It is isn't a fail safe way to get things going, just the most I am willing to do to push it.

Scheduling this procedure has also made me feel like wow... it is really going to happen... REALLY SOON!! It is a little overwhelming and incredibly exciting too! I go back and forth between feeling so ready and then wanting to hold on to the way things are right now for just a little longer. The changes we are about to experience are so big it can be scary, but I also know only a few weeks after the baby is born that it will be hard to imagine life without it! This is such a crazy time, the waiting is almost over now!

I will do my best to come on and let everyone know as soon as I do or don't have this little one. Obviously, the time is not limitless even if it does not succumb to my prodding it along. Very soon, one way or another this baby will be here in my arms! The kids and I went to the zoo yesterday and while we were there I literally had about 20 contractions in 2 and a half hours... so I think that this prodding has a pretty good chance of helping things along! I guess we'll soon find out! I have my first sweep next Tuesday(not the 23rd but the 29th). I guess the hubby and I should buckle down and figure out a boy name before then!! :P

on another side note:
Thank you to all who wished Emily a Happy Birthday! She had a great day and that is always the ultimate goal for me! This is a shot of the kids before we out for her birthday dinner.

Today I am grateful that I am so close to holding my little one here in the real world!

I am grateful that Al and I have worked so hard to be the best that we can be together before we welcome our newest child.

I am grateful that Emily had a nice birthday and is becoming such an amazing young woman.

I am grateful that my younger two children are SOOOO excited to meet their new sibling. We spend time every single day talking about how much they love the baby, while they hug my belly and tell the baby "come out soon so we can hug you for real!!" (so sweet!) : )

Thank you, Emily!

2010-03-13T10:03:00.005-05:00

15 years ago (tomorrow) I became a mother.

My amazing daughter Emily joined the world and helped me to become a better person on March 14, 1995 at about 11:30 PM.

Before I had my daughter I was incredibly self-absorbed. I was a teenager (late teens, 20 by the time she was born, but still a teenager)... a teenager with issues even, so of course it was natural to be that way. I don't spend a lot of time in my life feeling regret. I generally do pretty well, making conscious decisions and knowing that once I have there's rarely an opportunity to turn back, so no since in feeling regret, right? But sometimes I do falter. Every once in awhile I will think back and wonder... what if...

...what if I had decided NOT to have baby at the age of 19, when I didn't have anything at all? Not a place to live, a supportive family, or even any friends at the time (the fact that I had pushed everyone away didn't really matter... HOW I got where I was, was much less significant than the fact that I was there...) and the simple answer for myself is that I truly don't think that I would be alive today. If I had gone through with the abortion as planned, I am completely convinced I would have spiraled into a suicidal behavior pattern that would have led to my death probably sooner rather than later.

The simple, singular decision to carry this little life to term, changed my life forever. For the better, and there is not a single day that goes by that I think I made the wrong choice. My daughter is the best thing that ever happened to me. I have been blessed with the opportunity to guide the most beautiful and amazing soul I have ever met. What an honor it is. I have never met anyone like her and I doubt that I ever will. She was a gift to me. She has given me the ability to look outside of myself. She has helped me to keep going in times that have been fraught with pain, loneliness, and struggle. She has given me the strength to look back in my life and try to heal my damaged heart and soul. She has given me more than I ever knew that she would on that day that I decided that I couldn't end her life before it had even started. And for that I want to thank her.

Thank Emily.

Thank you for being my daughter.

Thank you for teaching me how to love.

Thank you for making it so easy to love and open my heart in a way that I never knew was possible.

Thank you for teaching me how to be more patient, with myself and others.

Thank you for being you, and all the wonderful things that you are.

Thank you for loving me back.

I love you more than I could ever explain or express and nothing makes me happier than being your mother.

I love you kid!!!

{Sadly, I guess part of being almost 15 is that she is much harder to capture on film right now! I have so many more of the little ones who spend all day long with me everyday. This is the most recent picture I could find (where she wasn't in pj's and would NOT be ok with me posting them) of her and it was a picture I took over my head when she came up and gave me a hug from behind! Pretty good for an ambush photo, I think ! : )

I'm sure that I will get some good ones tomorrow on her birthday, but I'm glad I saw how few pictures I have of her recently... I will start to remedy that issue today!! }

Today I am grateful that I have a wonderful daughter who gives me such joy!

I am thankful that through all the changes in my life over the last 15 years, the one constant thing has been the love we share with each other.

I am thankful that as our relationship continues to grow and change, we have such a solid base of love and respect for each other. I hope that never falters!

A quickie!

2010-03-10T23:54:00.003-05:00

This is going to be a super quickie, just wanted to say that the baby is not breech and has THE.MOST.ADORABLE.TOES.EVER!! : )
The sonogram went well, and we also found out that even though I still have about a month to go the baby is already weighing in at 7 pounds and 5 ounces!
So, I guess that we don't have to worry about the baby being too small anymore either!
I know that the baby still has time to move around, but hopefully will stay in the downward position. The daily contractions that I have been having for awhile now are starting to get much more intense. Don't get too excited... this happened last time for the last month or so too... but it is still a constant reminder that very soon this little one will be joining us in the outside world here... and I am getting sooooo excited about it! : )
The placenta has gotten very big in there... but is obviously not impeding the growth of this little person in the least! The measurements were all on target EXCEPT for the belly... which was measuring in at 39 weeks and 4 days!! The rest were all right around 36 weeks. I asked why the belly was so big and the tech just smiled... "that's because that's where they store the extra fat!" So it looks like it might be a little buddha baby... but that's not such a bad thing. Now I have to wonder.. will this baby end up being bigger than my last? (I hope not since he was 9 lb 12.5 oz)Or will it settle down and slow down on the crazy growth? I guess only time will tell!
I just noticed how many exclamation points, I've used in this post... so I am going to stop and go to bed. Can you tell I am getting excited about this impending birth? : )
Good night all!
Today I am thankful that the baby is in a good position for birth.
I am grateful (that although there were questions throughout this pregnancy) that this baby has been getting everything it needed to grow and thrive in there! : )

Thank you, Mr Sun!!

2010-03-09T14:54:00.003-05:00

Today has been a glorious day!
The sun has been shining in my neck of the woods for a whole 3 or 4 days in a row!! The kids and I have been able to go to the local park and walk around the reservoir 3 times in the last week.
The reservoir is frozen and there is still too much snow to play at most of the playgrounds, BUT there are parts of the water that are starting to melt, as well as the piles of snow. The walkway around the water has been plowed and we were able to walk around outside in the sunshine!! A few of the days were still in the thirties, but I can not tell you how nice it was to feel the sun on my face and watch my children run and yell with delight to be OUTSIDE!!!
Today was an astounding 55 degrees! I didn't even need to wear a jacket, just a sweater. And because there have been several days of sunshine in a row, one of the play areas is clear of snow on the equipment. We went to the park today and the kids just played for over two hours. I walked around a bit but really just spent most of the time on a swing, smiling at my kids, just running and laughing and playing while the sun warmed my back. There was no crying. no bickering. no time outs. It was so very much what we have been needing around here!
I really don't enjoy the winter, but I always appreciate the Spring because of it... and this year with the crazy wild winter we had, I am so much more appreciative for the sun and a little bit of outdoor activity.
Unfortunately, it is supposed to rain for the next three days, but right now all I care about is the fact that we all got outside and enjoyed ourselves... that and of course that my kids are ACTUALLY NAPPING!! That's right folks, being pent up means they haven't been taking a daily siesta and for a big pregnant Mama that has been a VERY sad thing! Today they didn't even fight me at all.. just up to brush teeth and got into bed.... 10 minutes later they were out like the light.
Now THAT is something to be thankful for!!! : )
I am now 36(.5) weeks along now and wouldn't you know it, when I went to the midwife yesterday it looks like my little nugget has decided to switch around and be in a breech presentation now. Not really awesome timing. I have a sonogram tomorrow to verify, but I am hoping that the midwife was wrong. She wasn't 100% positive about it. The problem with the baby presenting breech is that if we can't get the little one to turn back around, I won't be able to deliver vaginally... they won't even do it in the hospital here. That would be a super drag, of course, seeing that I'd like to be able to deliver drug free in the same room and bed as my last two, so I am hoping for the best. I am praying, and being reminded(yet again) that the biggest lesson I try to learn from pregnancy is that I need to let go and have faith that what is supposed to happen will... whether or not it goes the exact way I would choose. I am not panicking yet... we have time even if the baby is breech, but I think mild concern is an appropriate label to what I'm feeling about the situation. It will be nice to know for sure tomorrow either way.
Things between Al and I have been continuing to improve.. slightly... but not from lack of effort on either side and that is encouraging. I'll take less anger and frustration any day, and as there's been more good days than bad lately... I'm feeling pretty content with how things have been going.
My oldest is turning 15 on Sunday. FIFTEEN!!! yikes... it is a trip to be pregnant and thinking about having a newborn while at the same time thinking about how darn fast these last 15 years have gone by. I can put myself back to being about to have her in a second and it is funny to me how the concept of time can change so quickly from one minute to the next.
I am off to finish some chores whilst the little ones are still out from under my feet , but wanted to come by and say hello to everyone!
Send and thoughts and prayers you have that this little one will remember that the way out is headed down!!
I hope that all of you are doing well and being able to enjoy a little more springlike weather in your neck of the woods!!

Today I am grateful that the sun is warm and visible!! : )
I am thankful that my home is silent(and has been for a whole hour already!!)
I am grateful that my husband and I continue to grow together and hopeful that it will continue with more and more ease.

A long time coming...

2010-02-18T09:57:00.002-05:00

Ok, here I go again!
I have "meant" to come on here and update so many times since the end of January, but something has always gotten in the way.

The day after my last post I wanted to come on and talk about how much difference a day makes... I was feeling so much more positive and hopeful... but then I ran out of time in the day and the next time I had time, things had changed once again. The truth is that every day is a new day around here. We are in a constant state of flux because of the impending birth of our newest little family member. I can't pretend that my hormonal imbalances have nothing to do with this flux... because they do. They are not the only factor, but they certainly contribute. I CAN say that as of late (and I'm talking the last week or more now) things have been MUCH calmer around here. We (the hubby and I) have been doing our very best to stop making assumptions about how/what the other is thinking/feeling, and actually stopping and (gasp!!) checking in with each other. It sounds so simple, but communication is our most difficult hurdle. We are both making a concerted effort on a daily basis to check in with each other, and it seems to be helping a lot. It is funny how easily we fall into these patterns of living when more often than not they don't work for us... but they are familiar... so we have been trying to change those patterns and some really beautiful moments have come out of it. I think that as long as we are committed to checking in with each other we will get better and better at it.... and in my most optimistic moments, I can envision it not taking quite as much effort and positive communication becoming our "standard". I look forward to that day, but until then I will keep plugging away, because for now that is the best I can do.

I will be in my 34th week of pregnancy tomorrow. WOW!! It is amazing how fast this time has gone! The baby seems to be doing well. I am certainly getting BIGGER. I missed my last midwife appointment because of the weather, but this little one is so very strong now, that I know that the baby is growing and thriving. I have been feeling pretty well physically throughout this pregnancy. After the morning sickness wore off I had some emotional/worry issues with the placental attachment and everything, but as far as how I personally have felt... it's been pretty nice! My last pregnancy, I was so large and uncomfortable for over half of it, that having a "normal" size baby has felt easy in comparison! : ) While I was pregnant with Roscoe I was measuring 4-6 weeks bigger than I was, from 24 weeks on, so that by now I was measuring over 40 weeks! This time around I have been right on target and let me tell you... I have been grateful for it! I look forward to seeing the midwife next week to check in with everything and see where we stand now... but as far as I can tell things are going great!

The hubby and I have gotten through most of our baby to do list now. I have washed, folded, and organized all the clothes, and put them in the dresser. They are ready and waiting to be worn by our newest little one. We bought a new crib... the old one had me worried about safety, so it had to go... a rambunctious toddler (the second one to use it) had gotten into a bad habit of opening the drop side the wrong way and it was pretty wobbly. I had visions of badness, so we got a new one. We don't know if this will be a boy or a girl, and the portable crib with all the features that we liked (and the right price) is so NOT gender neutral.... but I convinced my husband that a boy can happily sleep amongst flowers too.... so here's hoping that he still believes that even if our baby ends up with penis! The truth is that we both think it is probably a girl, but I am almost always wrong (the last one was the only I've had right... not great odds in my favor!), but I honestly don't care if a boy child of mine sleeps in a brown and pink crib. It does add a little more intrigue to the gender outcome now though! : ) We also got a few other things we needed, like a new boppy(the one I used for the last two has become pretty important to Roscoe, he still sleeps with it as his pillow, so we needed a new one.) They are stupid expensive new, the old one we found used, BUT since we hadn't been able to find a used one this time, I splurged and got a new one with a super soft removable sleeve that can be easily washed... it is so soft and comfy. I LOVE IT!! (it's the little things, right?) We also got the baby's going home outfit. We don't buy new baby clothes, they are just too expensive, for what they end up being... receptacles for poop and puke... in fact most of the things we have from the previous two babies were used from the get go... but we have always bought that first one new outfit to come home in... and then I keep it in a box, because I am a sentimental dork. This one is super cute, matches the hat my sister knit for the baby, and involves an adorable monkey butt... enough said right?! : )

Yet another thing we've had going on here is the CRAZY weather!! We have had an INCREDIBLE amount of snow here this month. I think that at last count we had over 70 inches this month. The usual snowfall for February is in the mid 30's. We had a record breaking snowstorm that left behind 22 inches of snow in a 12 hour period. The city was SHUT DOWN for days. The kids and I have been pretty housebound for over two weeks now... and we are all getting just a little twitchy because of it! I don't know how people who live where it does this every winter make it through.... but I imagine that there, the kids don't have 8 snow days in two weeks... or that the streets remain impassable for days (or even weeks, the smaller street across the way has STILL not seen a plow yet!) because they are used to it and prepared for it. People around here have been calling it snowpocalypse... because seriously it has made things around here pretty darn difficult!

All in all I am feeling good right now... I could use a little sunlight and WAY LESS SNOW!!! But on a day to day we are doing pretty well around here! I hope that all my bloggy buddies are doing well with the winter weather, I know that a lot of places have been getting hit hard!

Today I am thankful that things have begun to settle down a little and feel less chaotic.
I am grateful that, although I am not enjoying the copious amounts of snow, we never lost power like a lot of people in our area.
I am grateful to have my hubby around to do things like shovel our sidewalk and spend over FIVE hours digging out our cars(not to mention the daily maintenance since)... if it had been left to me I may have been stuck until Spring!! : )

Hope, Passion, and Reality

2010-01-28T12:29:00.004-05:00

Hope
It is such a small word, but it carries a lot of weight.
I have been feeling more and more hope for myself lately. That would generally be a good, good thing, but sadly the better and better that I have been feeling about myself, the worse things in my most intimate relationship have become. My husband and I are easily struggling with the hardest part of our growth together so far. Which sadly is saying something in itself, as our lives together have been nothing if not passionate.

Passion
Passion is also a word that carries a lot of weight for me. Passion is such an important part of living life to me. If I am not feeling like I am living life to the fullest, it feels like I am lacking something. But passion is a double edged sword to be sure!
The excitement, thrill, and fulfillment can all too easily turn into anger, frustration, and even fear. The pure emotion involved with passion is what makes it so volatile at its core. I had a college professor once who personally thought that passion was something to be ashamed of, he was a philosopher and thought that a life filled with passion was a waste of time and had nothing to do with a life filled with logic and reason, which may or may not be true.
I personally think that a balanced life has a little bit of each! I've never been an all or nothing kind of girl! : ) I want a little bit of everything. A life based on passion, I have found, is one that doesn't have a solid base. A solid base is something that I could really appreciate right now. There needs to be more than just passion, there also has to be respect and a certain level of logic and reason as well.
Right now I am feeling like there is not enough of a solid base in my life. That is a very difficult way to be feeling when you are about to bring another child into the world. I long to feel the stability of a solid relationship, a solid life. My life is anything but that right now... and I am truly struggling with it. It is a very strange thing to be feeling more confident and a little less mixed up on the inside, while seemingly watching my outside life fall apart around me.

Reality
The reality of what is going on in my life right now, is not filled with hope or passion.
My husband and I are now seeing someone every week, while also seeing our own person every week. This is A LOT of therapy. It is very intense to say the least! I feel like I am really making headway... and then I go home to where everything is in flux and frustrating. The mutual sessions we have are moving very slowly because the truth is that my husband and I are not on the same page. We are not in the same places right now and I have less and less desire to wait for him to catch up. He is really stuck in the place that he is right now... which would be ok if it wasn't so hurtful to me and my children. But sadly where he is emotionally is pretty destructive and behaviors that once only effected me, have spread out to my kids as well. It is much more difficult to be patient with him when I see our children being hurt by his behavior. I can't help but feel the Mama bear in me come out and refuse to allow it to continue. I know that he is the only one that can change his behavior, but I simply can not allow him to take his time when my family is intimately involved. I am really beginning to think he might have to go somewhere else to work these issues out, where it won't be so hurtful to the rest of us.

Have I mentioned lately that I am having another baby here VERY soon?
The sense of urgency I feel revolving around all of this is IMMEDIATE!!

Just to ease any one's mind there is no physical abuse going on here. The behaviors that I am referring to are all of a verbal and emotional level, which really doesn't make it much better, but no one is in immediate harm. The anger and frustration my husband feels about himself and his life just bubbles out into more and more of his life right now... and it isn't pleasant to watch or be caught up in. He is pretty good at keeping himself in check around the kids, but it is becoming increasingly difficult for him.. and that is my biggest concern. I don't want my kids to see him lose it. I worry about how his anger issues will effect them. My personal compassion for him and his pain is feeling completely depleted. It's not a great way to feel about the man that I love more than anything else. There is not nearly as much hope about the two of us (and our family) making it through this period intact as I had two weeks ago.

There's really nothing that I can think of that could make me feel sadder than all of this right now. This is not the way that I want to welcome my newest little person into the world.. a world filled with sorrow, confusion, and frustration. This is our fourth, so I know all too well what is coming, (complete exhaustion, overwhelming degrees of changes for the entire family, major adjustments to an additional person with needs and LOTS of them for awhile...) and I have to tell you, envisioning things getting worse is not a cheering thought!

With all of that being said, at my core I know that no matter what happens, I will be ok. I will make things ok for my kids. I am nothing, if not a survivor. I have dealt with bad situations in my life over and over again and have come through them a stronger and better person. I know that I am strong enough to deal with anything that life gives me, but I would lying if I said that this was the way I wanted things to be! Right at this moment of writing, I am wishing that at some point I would have already paid my dues and I deserved a little less chaos and maybe a little less pain. I realize that I am indulging in a little bit of self pity, but regardless, I would so take an easier road if I saw one right now!
I am tired and emotionally and physically depleted.
I am in desperate need of some piece of mind.
I wouldn't turn away a fairy godmother right now either... but we all know that I won't be hearing a knock on my door anytime soon. My reality is what it is and I need to do my best to make the best of what it is...
and I'm going to get right on top of doing that...
tomorrow. Today I am giving myself the day to feel the sadness. I am allowing myself to mourn the loss of the fantasy so that tomorrow when I wake up I can deal with what my reality is.

Today I am honestly struggling to feel grateful for much.
But I AM grateful that my baby is healthy and growing well.
I am also thankful that my children are so inspiring to me, even in my darkest hours. I don't know what I would do without them, but I'm glad that is not one of the things I have to worry about!

Wading through Muck... to find a little happiness?

2010-01-12T23:02:00.007-05:00

Pregnancy is a crazy thing.

It has the capacity to completely take over your entire existence.... even if you already have a lot of other stuff going on. For me there is an undeniable connection to not only myself but also to everything and everyone around me. I feel super sensitive in not only the cliched emotional ways, but also to the working of our universe.

We are all interconnected, and I feel much more aware of these connections while I am carrying a child. The most interesting thing about doing this for the fourth time around has been the ability to separate what is my stuff from what is pregnancy stuff. What I mean by that is that is that some of the inevitable hormonal crazy is easier for me to see IS hormonal crazy... as opposed to me losing my mind or being a horrible person. I am a different person when I am pregnant and although I like my non-pregnant person a little better I am trying to appreciate some of my pregnant person attributes as well.

My goal this time around has been to try and fully take advantage of this connection that I feel that is so different than my "normal" way of interacting and reacting to things, situations, and other people. I am hoping that I can come out of this with not only an amazing little human to watch and love and learn from, but a better sense of who I am and where I am headed.

My husband and I are both very much in love with each other but we have our struggles and frustrations with each other as well. I think that my husband's best quality is what an amazing father he is. I wish he was as committed to being as good of a husband. I happen to think that I am a pretty good mother as well, and I try to be a good wife, but the inequality of our marriage has reached a point that I am not as doting as I used to be. I sometimes worry about the ultimate future of our lives together and nothing makes me sadder than these thoughts.

We have been in counseling for a little while together but with all the holiday madness we had to take a small hiatus. During this time I went and sought out a counselor for myself to try and work on some of my own issues that have nothing (or little) to do with my husband, but are buried in my somewhat dark and mucky past. I shared in my last post that he is now going to start seeing our marriage counselor on his own. We will still go together occasionally, but I am hoping that without the distraction of "our stuff" he can work on some of his own. It gives me hope anyway, which is never a bad thing! I only hope he will be able to reach down deep to do the work he needs to, he had never been in therapy before me and I'm not sure he really knows what he is getting into. All I can do is hope that he will do the best he can, and him agreeing to go in the first place is a pretty big step for him!

I am so glad that I took that step for myself and I am working really hard. It amazes me how much things from my past can effect the way that I interact with people and situations today. It's not as though I haven't dug through all of these things before. I have been through a few incredibly dark periods of time. I have told the story of how I eventually became pregnant with my oldest daughter, Emily in previous posts (part I & II). I have also alluded to some some fairly heavy darkness in my high school days, which I might touch on more at some point but for now I can sum up by saying that during my four years of high school I missed about half of my first two and a half years, by being institutionalized. The first time I tried to kill myself I was only 12 years old. It obviously could be a long story, but it wasn't for attention or because I was trying to call out for help, it was honestly that I didn't think that my life was worth the pain of living every day anymore and I just wanted to give up. I was in rehab for several months the first time. In the next couple of years I was sent back twice. My second time I woke up in rehab after having fallen into an alcohol induced coma from drinking too much after about a week of binging on Crystal Meth. Everyone thought I was trying to kill myself, but I was just too messed up to know how bad off I was. I talked myself out of that jaunt within only a few weeks. I had learned what needed to be said and when, but it didn't really help me at all. I was back to drinking and doing drugs, literally the day I got home. I don't remember how long it took before I was sent back but but it wasn't long. And this time my mom sent me to a bigger city with different people and no one bought my bullshit there. I spent several months there again this time. I spent A LOT of time in therapy. Personal therapy, group therapy, family therapy, group family therapy(that was a super weird one!!) you name it I did it...

The point of putting all of that out there is that I have had a lot of time to air my dark places. They have had a lot of light shined on them and yet they are still there. The interesting thing that I am finding now... readdressing some of that same stuff is how much it STILL messes with me. I have to admit that it annoys the hell out of me. In some ways I feel like there is only so many times you can go over the same crap before you have to put on your big girl panties and fricking deal with it, but at the same time I am desperately trying to be kind to myself and let myself feel the sadness and pain of these things... let myself acknowledge their power over me, because only then can I truly GET OVER IT.

I am working with an amazing woman who I have developed a growing respect for. She has helped me to connect with things that I really thought I was over... but I am obviously not. She has been kind and patient and with her guidance I have made connections that I have never made before. It has been a long time since I dug this deep into a lot of this crap and I am A LOT older now and have a lot more life experience behind the eyes that are looking back. I really think that I am making progress with this stuff and that makes me feel truly hopeful that even if these things are not vanished forever.... at least for right now I am beginning to feel my heart and soul have a little less weight on them.

One of the hardest things for me to do is to sit with my own sorrow or pain. I always want to push it away. Even if the way that I usually push it away is generally a good thing, by looking at the lessons I have learned or see how I am a better person for having gone through these experiences... sometimes I just have to stop and sit with the pain. Allow myself to grieve for the loss of innocence or the pain of loneliness and neglect. I struggle doing this because it feels like self pity to me, which I can't stand, but one of the things that I am discovering is how not giving myself permission to feel the things that I DO feel is a large part of what is hurting me the most.
I think it is funny that I am so harsh, judgemental, and uncompassionate (and yes according to dictionary.com that really is a word, I wasn't sure so I went ahead and looked... OCD anyone? : P ) with myself because I think that if you asked most people who know me, and know me well, those words would probably come up as the complete opposite of some of my most positive attributes. Isn't it funny how easy it is for me to give to others what I find it nearly impossible to give to myself? That is another way I hide from my pain btw, which I honestly didn't see the depth of until recently. I laugh when I want to cry. I have been doing it for so long that I truly didn't even notice how often I do it. Now that I see it a little more clearly, I have been amazed at how often I laugh at things that really aren't funny at all. And again I don't do it with other people's pain, just my own. It is astounding to me how easy it can be to just not see these things about yourself when you do them everyday, for years, maybe a lifetime even. Yet another reason that I am so glad that I made that call and found this woman to help me. My days after a session can be hard because it is so very draining, but I am finding that the next few days are beginning to feel better and better. I hadn't realized how heavy my heart had slowly become over the last good amount of years, it feels nice to air things out and let a little more sunshine in!

Sadly, it's not helping things with the hubby because some of what is happening is that I want to change some of my more destructive behavior patterns... which of course he has become quite accustomed to, but if we are meant to be together forever like we both hope that we are, then we will be able to let each other grow in the ways that will make us happier, healthier people on our own AND together as a unit. I don't for a second think that things are going to be easy for us. They never have been for us. We have always had a relationship full of extremes both good and bad, but I have faith and hope (I know that word has been a little overused this post) that we will make through this together. Together as partners, lovers, and friends building our relationship and our family in the healthiest, happiest way that we can.

Today I am grateful that I becoming more comfortable letting myself feel what I need to feel, with a little less judgement.
I am grateful that my husband has taken a step to be a healthier person.
I am thankful to have more hope than I have felt for awhile. I have missed my natural optimism greatly! : ) I plan to enjoy it while it lasts... even if it only visits, I think it will be visiting more often!

Copy Cat Oats and a little less of the Crazy

2010-01-08T09:22:00.004-05:00

This morning we woke up to the 8th straight day of snow and COLD weather. It hasn't laid buckets of snow down on us, but it has snowed some every day since New Year's Eve here in the Burgh.

It is also really COLD! Right now we are resting at around 11 degrees outside... brr! We live in an old drafty house and actually don't have any kind of heating vents in almost half of our house. The kitchen, the kids' room, and the bathroom (which are above the kitchen on the second floor) are all devoid of any kind of heat other than being attached to the rest of the house. It makes for a chilly house! I'm not sure why there aren't vents in those rooms, I guess it has something to do with the age of the home. We use space heaters to supplement, but it gets expensive and a little squirrelly with little people running around the house.

Sooo, this morning was the perfect opportunity for a new kind of warm, yummy breakfast that I have been wanting to try. A bloggy friend of mine Christine from Marvelously Mundane posted a variety of oatmeal that intrigued me recently, so I thought I would try it with my own spin. I didn't change much about the recipe, but I used steel cut oats instead of rolled, and fresh cranberries instead of dried, plus a wiggle here and there for spices and sweetness. I made a large amount because there are 3 of us, AND I'm a hungry, pregnant Mama! It reheats well and I make it knowing I get two breakfasts out of it pretty easily! Now we have breakfast for tomorrow and none of us have to wait that long.
Yay!

In fact, if you are more organized making it in advance works well, because the Steel Cut Oats do take awhile to cook, and I don't know about you, but the kids and I come downstairs ready to eat the second we hit the kitchen! : ) All you have to do to reheat is add a little Almond Milk, Water, or Orange Juice(in the case of this recipe) to loosen it up a bit and heat it on low for a few minutes and you have a tasty, healthy breakfast!

Here's what I came up with.

Cranberry Orange Steel Cut Oats

3 Cups Water
1 1/2 Cups Orange Juice
1 Cup Fresh Cranberries

1 Cup Applesauce
1 1/2 Cups Steel Cut Oats
1 Tsp Pumpkin Pie Spice
1/2 Tsp Tumeric (don't be scared of this... it adds a great complexity and was one of the things that intrigued me so much about the original recipe... you can add less if you want to though! )
1/2 Tsp Sea Salt

1 Tsp Vanilla (optional)
3 Tbsp Maple Syrup
2 Tbsp Brown Sugar (if needed, I tried to just use Maple Syrup, but found I needed a little more sweetness for me and the kiddos, especially with those tart cranberries in the mix!)
Almond Milk (optional, we like it to cool it down and make it a little creamy)

1. Using a good thick bottomed pan put 3 cups of water, 1 1/2 cups of orange juice, and a cup or so of fresh cranberries to boil. Steel cut oats take awhile to soften and cook, so using a good pan will help avoid too much sticking!

2. While waiting for your pot to come up to boil add your spices to the oats and stir them around, this helps avoid spice clumps when you add them in later.

3. When your water starts to bubble, add the applesauce and the spiced oats. Stir for a little while to make sure that everything is combined well. The cranberries will start to pop and open up a bit during this time, my kids love listening to them pop... it's the little things in life right? : )

4. When the liquids begin to bubble again, turn the heat down to a simmer. Add your necessary sweeteners and vanilla at this point as well. I tried to just use just Maple Syrup, but needed the extra hit of brown sugar for our tastes. The oats have a tendency to stick to the bottom of the pan, but I don't stand there stirring like crazy. My trick is to turn them down to a low simmer and set the timer for 10 minutes. When I go back to check them they will be stuck but I have a good pan so they don't burn. If I am having a hard time getting them off the bottom I just turn off the heat for a minute or two and cover them with the lid. After a minute or two when I lift the lid they will lift right off the bottom from the steam. I don't usually have to do that but sometimes I will lose my focus without a timer and leave them longer... that's when my little trick comes in handy! : )

How long the oats need to cook is very subjective. I cook mine for anywhere between 30-40 minutes depending on the day. When you go to check on them you might want to add more liquid if they are getting too dry, that is also subjective. I start checking them after 20 minutes or so... they are never done, but I am always ready to EAT them!! : ) I also adjust the seasoning throughout the process(that's why I added the brown sugar).
When they are all finished, I serve them with a little bit of unsweetened Almond Milk on top, you could also add a touch of honey as well, because I bet that would be tasty too!

Mmmm... so good I want some more!! : )

As for the second part of the title of this post... I am feeling better. There are quite a few reasons for this. I think the most important one is that I have been forcing myself to use my treadmill every single day. With the holiday craziness I had fallen off of my exercise routine. I just felt too overwhelmed to fit everything into my days. And as usual for me the first thing to go was taking the best care of myself. I am tired and clumsy, but I do a slow walk and feel better for it every time!

Roscoe has officially moved out of our room and into his sister's. We are in the process of turning into "their" room, which has been a long time coming! Roscoe is getting used to sleeping without walls on his mattress on the floor and that gives us the crib for when the baby gets here. I do cosleep with my little ones, so we had time, but I am glad that he did it on his own and not because he felt forced out by the baby. I'm sure that it feels much different to him that he asked and we didn't MAKE him do it. It is nice to have our room just for the two of us again. Not that much other than sleeping goes on in there at this point... but it is still nice to not have to whisper when we go to bed at night and feel like we have our own small bit of space again... for a few months anyway! : )

I also finally got my husband to sit down with me and look at my THREE page crazy nesting list. He added a few things to the list and then helped me to achieve several things that were the most important to me. He has started on a few of the things that are important to him as well. I cannot describe to you the relief that I feel from feeling like we are more on the same page than we were before. Plus, one of the big things I needed his help with was getting me all the old clothes from the attic. We had given away several boxes of things when we thought that we were done... but I found a box that I thought I had given away (even was labeled "to be given away") was still up there. I was happy to see it because it had all the long sleeved undershirts that I thought we were going to need to replace. In fact after looking through most of the boxes I now feel like I am WAY more prepared than I was. I have taken out all the gender neutral clothes to be washed and relabeled the other boxes with sizes and whether it is girl or boy stuff. It feels good just knowing what we do and don't have on our small baby needs list.

Another thing that has made me feel more hopeful is that my husband has agreed to go see our therapist on his own. I will still see my new one, and we will go every once in awhile together still, but for now he will go and try to work through some of his own stuff... and that feels really good. It shows me that he is willing to put forth some effort to help be the best that he can be... and that is all anyone can ask for really!

So all in all, I got back to remembering that it really is better for me AND the rest of my family when I make time for myself. The first thing to go for me is anything that I do for myself... when I start to feel overwhelmed it feels selfish, but the truth is that when I put my needs on the important "To Do" list everyone benefits. It's one of the many things I am working on. I am a work in progress, as we all are!

Today I am thankful that I am feeling a little less of the CRAZY!

I am grateful that my husband and I were able to sit down and re-connect.

I am also thankful that I have a yummy breakfast ready for tomorrow morning!!

My birthday and a sneak peek into the crazy

2010-01-04T15:05:00.011-05:00

Well, I'd like to tell you all that I had an amazing birthday!

Hooray!

Ever since the very worst birthday ever (well- of my own, I might have recently been dethroned by a blogger friend, Tatts, who sadly wins the title now, that lucky girl!) the hubby actually makes great effort to try and give me a special day. Someday, I'll tell you my bad birthday story, but it's too depressing right now, so maybe next year!

This year my happy, happy involved sleeping in (or at least getting to go back to bed after I had to get up to pee in the early morning, this baby's getting heavy on the old bladder!), eating a leisurely breakfast that I got to make for myself (which is actually a very nice thing because there were no kiddos trying to eat it all or hanging on my legs, because Daddy had already fed them) then I got to walk on my treadmill for a mile and then take a relaxing bath, while the smell of my birthday cake wafted upstairs to the bathroom(and I didn't have to make it!!).

As far as I can tell that morning was just about perfect. The day continued fairly lazily at home, just kind of relaxing. Then I got a nice dinner, made by the man, this year it was Chicken Marsala with Baked Potatoes and Broccoli, followed by cake, ice cream AND a few gifts! Doesn't get much better than that!! None of them big or expensive, but they were all thoughtful, like a set of good measuring cups for baking(which I have been wanting for years), a lemon zester(so I don't have to use the big cheese grater anymore) and a Dymo labeler (which gave me a fun (for me) day project of relabeling all my whole grain jars one day... peeling off the old masking tape ones and having a unified system is something that most people wouldn't care about probably... but my crazy OCD brain was doing back flips of joy over it... really!!). It felt nice that the Mister had gone out of his way to get me a few things that would make me happy... and proved that even though it doesn't seem like it, a lot of the time... he really is listening when I am babbling on about my day. It felt really good to see how well he knows me, because lately it seems like our connection has had some serious glitches in it.

We got the kids to bed at a reasonable time and stayed up to clink wine glasses of Squirt at the stroke of midnight and welcomed in the New Year with some lovely birthday/new years loving which, as pregnant as I am, is not the norm for us right now, that's for sure!

So, I'd say it was a good memory for us... one to hold on to when things are not as calm and peaceful.... like practically every other day since then!!
BLAH!

I am really struggling right now to find my happy place. In my life, I have had some pretty serious struggles, with what I call my darkness. My darkness is full of ugliness and pain, loneliness and abuse of different levels throughout different parts of my past. It is my constant companion. It is not always on the forefront of my mind. Throughout the years I have even managed to forget about it on a conscious level at times, but it has ways of reminding me that it is there. It pops it's ugly head up every once in awhile, just so that I don't forget about its presence. It effects my daily behavior in ways that I don't always recognize and which often aren't on a super healthy level.

I have had A LOT of therapy in my life. I have read A LOT of books about any number of psychological issues, self help books, self esteem building, and so forth. My darkness is WELL COVERED TERRITORY!! But no amount of counseling or self help or even self awareness really stops the darkness. I'm not sure how much of the darkness I am ready to bring to light here on my blog right now, but at the moment it has gotten a pretty good hold on me. I am seeing a therapist every week. And it is helping.... sort of. I go in and I talk about my darkness and I cry. I talk about things going on in my life right now and things that happened a long time ago. I talk about how the things from long ago still effect me and my choices now and I talk about how to make better choices. I talk about what things are and are not in my control. I talk about my fears and pain and worries. I talk about feeling alone and misunderstood and frustrated. I talk about my kids, my husband, and myself.
I talk and talk and talk.
I get tired of talking sometimes.

I talk to my husband... not about my darkness much actually.... although he knows most of the basic facts, I haven't really shared deeply with him about any particular situation or the feelings they bring up or how some of them can haunt me. The truth is that I would love to talk with him about these things, but the man gets overwhelmed when I want to talk about what is happening with us at any given moment and he isn't capable of hearing me... so I don't bother. As it is I talk to him too much.... at least that it how it seems to me, most of the time.

My husband is kind of the quiet brooding type. I used to think that it was intriguing and mysterious... now I find it extremely frustrating. He has such a difficult time connecting to his own emotions and his own darkness, that he couldn't possibly relay it to me. This bothers me to no end. I get tired of trying to figure out what is in his head. I used to joke with him that I wished he had a button on his forehead that I could push to get at the information floating around in there.... now I wonder if there is any at all. I'm not saying that he is dumb.... just that we don't have the same way of thinking about things. I don't think that he has the constant flow of thoughts that I do.

I think A LOT!
I think way too much... about way too many things... generally all at the same time. I am thinking about many different things at any given moment... not just about my darkness past and present but also including all the things that I am trying to keep straight in respect to my daily duties as a Mama.
like...
What's for breakfast, snack, lunch, snack.... ?
when did the kids eat last?
do they really need another snack?
when did Sophia pee last?
has Roscoe sat on the potty recently?
when was his last poop?
are the dishes done?
what's for dinner?
is it defrosting, or should I be prepping something?
are we learning enough today?
what is that awful smell?
who's crying?
why are they crying.... ?
add into that the constant stream of 4 year old conversation... because well the poor thing is my offspring so she literally doesn't stop talking from the moment she wakes up to the moment she goes to bed....
add to that the constant stream of two year old conversation because he also is my offspring and chats merrily away from sunup to sundown as well... but of course with him I don't understand about half of what he says and have to stop everything for a minute... oh about every 5 minutes or so and look at him while he speaks because I have this fantasy that it somehow helps me understand what the heck he's talking about... honestly sometimes I just have to say uh-huh, because I still don't get it.
All of that is probably from about five minutes in my head.

Is it any wonder I am exhausted?

Then add to that the fact that I have constant inner dialogue about what is going on with me and the baby... who is at the stage where she is really pretty interactive now. She moves all the time and is responsive to my touch and voice now. She loves orange juice, clementines, and grapefruit. She obviously gets quite a sugar rush from the citrus because she rocks out in there after I eat them! She is starting to play the poke the belly game, where she kicks and I rub and then I push (gently of course) or rub and she kicks me where she felt the pressure. She gets really active when I get angry(which I must admit is WAY to often lately). I'm not sure if it my adrenaline or the raised voice that make her move.

I am officially in my third trimester now. I think that this is my favorite time, because although I am starting to lose the glorious second trimester energy level, I get much more interaction with my little one now, which is awesome!

I feel completely unprepared right now to have another baby. I am starting to feel a little panicked about how little we have actually done. We had the holidays for most of my second trimester and now that they are over, I keep thinking about how soon we will be welcoming another whole little person into our lives. We have most of what we will need because we have had two babies in the last 4 years... so most of what we need is in the attic... but it is not organized or washed or anything yet. I think it is officially time to get it all together. The problem with that right now is that I need my husband's help to get to all the stuff because it's buried under a bunch of other crap up there. He just doesn't feel the same urgency that I do about it... which stinks. I try to explain to him that a lot of this is my crazy hormones and it would just be easier to give me one good afternoon of moving stuff around and getting it to where I could do it myself.... but he has yet to see the light.

Man, sometimes I wish he could be the one having the baby. I wish he could feel all the crazy ups and downs and sense of immediacy that is pretty much out of his own control. Just for a week... or maybe even a month... and then I think he'd be a little more compassionate... or at the very least just help me do what I feel like I need to do so that I would get off his back about it. The thing is, if I go up there and start moving all that stuff around on my own I would most likely hurt myself and he would get terribly upset that I was so impatient and irresponsible... but I don't think he understands how hard it is to wait right now. I am not the best example of patience right now.

Wow! This post let's you all into the crazy that is my brain right now. I bounced all over the place with this one. I am feeling rather scattered right now in general, so I guess that makes sense.
Even reading through this post makes me feel like ... geez Ruth take a breath and relax!
I'm not crazy every second of every day... but probably more days than I'd like to be right now! I am actually enjoying my pregnancy much more now than I was earlier on when I was feeling sick and more worried. Now that I have reached a good point of viability I feel relieved. And although I don't feel ready to give birth tomorrow.... I probably won't. I still have a good amount of time until this little one will be ready to join us here, but knowing that if something unexpected did occur, the baby would have a good shot at making it helps. Plus, I no longer have a blood clot or any active internal bleeding and knowing that gives me much more peace of mind! I will have another sonogram in about three weeks to check back in with our little one and I am feeling pretty good about what we will see. The strength and length of this new little person are demonstrated to me on a daily basis now... so even if it's not a 10 pounder... I think we've got a good strong healthy one in here!
I hope that you all are having a wonderful new year so far!

Today am grateful that I have set up a support system for myself for after the baby is born... just in case I need a little extra help.
I am thankful that even when I struggle with my own dark thoughts, I am still able to smile and laugh everyday with my kids.
I am thankful that I get to sleep in again tomorrow because I have stayed up way too late writing this post tonight!! : )

The holiday season

2009-12-26T18:08:00.005-05:00

Hooray!
The holidays are over!!
This might not be a popular stand, but it is definitely my favorite part of the whole season... when they are over!!

I actually enjoy the holiday season quite a bit, but there is always so much to do and never enough time to do it all.

Our holiday season really starts in October. We have more birthdays in two weeks than we have for the rest of the year (for now) in our small unit, not to mention the addition of some close and important extended family mixed in... so we go from one birthday to the next, to the next, (you get the point times 5), ending with Halloween (and homemade costumes), and then the hubster's birthday the next day.

We hit major harvest sometime from the middle to the end of the month of October and running through November, which at my house means lots of canning.
I truly enjoy harvest time, because I LOVE to reap the rewards from a long hard season of love, work, and care in the garden, but the nature of the whole thing is that you must preserve your harvest immediately or you loose a lot of the goodness in a surprisingly short amount of time. At the same time I usually make jams, jelly, and fruit butters with local harvests from the farmer's market, too.

Then of course we have Thanksgiving. It is one of my favorite celebrations, but as our family has grown, not surprisingly, the family pressures have also grown. There tends to be a little bit of drama about who will be coming over to our house. I prefer to have just the immediate family, but my husband wants to have all of his family over too... and although the holiday is about family and sharing, the truth is that his brother and the accompanying clan stress me out -A LOT!! They have a complete different set of ideas about how to live and I would rather enjoy my favorite people than pretend to graciously welcome people I don't enjoy, into my home. I know that it sounds terrible, but there is a long bit of history behind my feelings... and the bottom line is we have a full house on our own. The other part of the situation is that if we don't host them, then they don't do anything on their own. Neither his mother or his brother and family participate unless it is a free from commitment, expense, or hassle day at our house... which makes me feel like somehow we are responsible for every ones happiness. To me if you can't be bothered to do it for yourself (or even offer a little help to us) then why should that be our responsibility? I mean the addition of 7 more people is more than double our own family unit, even after the baby is born. We always make a way to have a dinner, but I buy things for weeks in advance so that we can absorb the expense of this one meal. We don't go crazy with dozens of things, just your basic meal, but we have a pretty tight budget every week, so it does need some tightening both before and after the big day.

Then of course after Thanksgiving, we have about 3 weeks until Christmas, which is not very long at all... every. single. year! We go to a Solstice Party every year (around the 21rst) where all the adults make homemade gifts for the children and having three kids means that I have to make three gifts. I love to make things from the heart and every year I use it as an excuse to make something I have never made before. This is a blessing and a curse because it is a way to flex my creative streak with a definite deadline(which I need because I often have two or three things going on at once) and also a thrill to imagine and then create something from my head and have it work out (or not) pretty much like I wanted it too. At the same time, I, of course, am making things for my kids and my niece for Christmas, and it can get down to the wire and does pretty much every year.

Add in a little bit of stress, worry, and drama from being pregnant (where for me EVERYTHING is more difficult to achieve, especially with the placental issues and bleeding I had early on this time around) and you have about two and a half months of a little too much (things to do, things to make, family stress, family arguments) with a few too few resources (time, money, patience, and sometimes compassion).

So now that I have purged all that negativity out... and can now have a few deep, audible sighs of relief, let me tell you my favorite parts of the last three months! Because although I didn't intend it to be so, I realize I just whined and complained about the whole season, and the truth is that some of my favorite parts of the entire year are rolled right up inside of the whole thing. I guess that sometimes I wish that there was just a little more breathing room in between it all...

The best times:
This year we had a ridiculously warm Fall so I had a secondary pepper and tomato harvest, so I made twice as much Hot Pepper Jelly and can give some to all of my neighbors... which makes me feel all warm and squishy inside.

We had a dual birthday party for the two little ones this year and made THE COOLEST spider cupcakes with licorice and black sugar, which were a huge success and really fun at the same time!

I made a spider costume for Sophia(yes there was a running theme here...) that had been in the works inside my head for over two years... and it came out pretty flippin' awesome! She LOVED it and I'm betting Roscoe will be a spider next year (score! pre-done homemade awesome costume for next year!! yay!)

This year, although it didn't go the way I had hoped (with over a month advance warning, and grown up straightforward conversation) we had only our own immediate family for Thanksgiving and we had a very nice stress free day. Well, almost, until the turkey took three hours longer than expected and I had a slight starving pregnant woman meltdown for about the last 15 minutes before dinner was done... and trust me if other people HAD been here during said meltdown many an unfortunate word would have been spoken that couldn't have been taken back and probably would have made family tensions MUCH, MUCH worse!! : P

This year I made a stuffed bear and a bunny for two of my gifts, and my daughter(the 14 yr old) made a matching bracelet and necklace set for the other child. When it came time to exchange gifts my little girl, who got the bunny, JUMPED up and down and hugged it and made general merriment, which was absolutely the coolest reward for the time and energy put into this hand sewn item!! AND my husband saw the response which, I think from the smile on his face, finally gave him a glimpse of why I do this every year! (sadly, he doesn't understand the big deal about hand making anything... food, gifts or otherwise... which is one of the many differences in our thinking that causes a fair amount of chaos in our everyday lives together.)

Our kids had a great Christmas!
Santa managed to get them their little hearts desires... a cool wooden cash register that Sophia has had her eye one since before last Christmas, a beautiful handmade soft doll for Roscoe, which he is already very attached to and has named Kitty(?), and a couple of gorgeous handmade aprons for Emily(she loves being in the kitchen with me and is an excellent baker!).
We have been feeling the economy crunch this year... Al works in the restaurant business which of course falls off when people have less money... which means fewer hours per paycheck which makes a big difference to our budget. As long as the kids were taken care of, we were not too worried about whether or not we would have presents under the tree. To make matters worse right before Christmas this year, Al had a small accident because of an awful ice storm and needed to replace his two front tires... it had to be done for safety's sake, which took away any little wiggle room that we had, but somehow that sneaky Santa managed to put a present under the tree for me this year! Al managed to get me a sewing machine that I had had my eye on that was on a super holiday sale of 50% off! I was completely surprised and immensely grateful, if not a little guilty because we had said no presents. I had gotten him a box of his favorite candy(Ferrero Confections variety pack...YUM!!), but it obviously didn't have the same effect!
So now I have a hundred and two projects floating around in my head for my new machine! I am a self taught crafter. I don't use patterns and I hand sew everything I do, because I didn't have a machine, but also because I feel a little intimidated by it. This is a very simple little machine. It only has a few different stitches and not a lot of bells and whistles... but it is PERFECT for me... because anything more exciting and I would be too scared to use it!

I have been having a hard time trying to post pictures on blogger lately, but I welcome any of you to look at my recent belly shots up on Flickr.
I hope that you have all had a fabulous holiday and I apologize for my lack of attendance lately. Things have been just a touch overwhelming around these parts... did I mention that I am 2/3 of the way through this pregnancy and fighting crazy nesting urges on top of everything else that has been going on? Why is it that I never notice how dirty the top 3 feet of our 12 foot tall kitchen walls are when I am not huge, off balance, and dangerous on the top of a ladder? Or why my hormones dictate that every single floor board MUST be spotless before my MIL comes over for Christmas Eve celebrations? I am not a neat freak usually... I don't have the time or inclination to dust everything every week (HA! even every month usually), but the hormones, they are a powerful force to reckon with and at the very least my house is much tidier than usual right now!! Which we all know is a good thing in a round about way since no one will be doing it again for the next 6 months or so!! : )

Alright, I wish you all a very Happy New Year because, good intentions aside, I will probably not post again until after it has arrived! Although I might surprise you because New Year's Eve is also my birthday and I like to let everyone know ( I am decidedly needy as far as making up for crappy birthdays of yore)... but just in case...

I hope that you all had a lovely holiday and are basking in the relief of the end of the crazy busy season. I wish you all the very best in the coming new year and hope that you can all look back and see many things that made you smile and be grateful, to be who you are, where you are, headed in the direction that you are going!

Today I am grateful to have made it through another crazy 3 month long holiday season in one piece!
I am thankful to have so many happy memories to look back on over the last year.
I am thankful to have such bright prospects of joy and fulfillment looking towards the new year.

Good news!

2009-12-15T21:49:00.005-05:00

In this crazy time of year there is always SOOO much to be done!
I find it hard to have time to breath, let alone post all the things I'd like to be sharing with you all!

In the last 36 hours, one by one, about 12 hours apart, all three of my kids have come down the the super yuck. There have been copious amounts of bodily fluids to deal with and as I type my own belly is rumbling and bubbling in a way that makes me a little bit nervous, BUT I had to come on and share a brief bit of terribly good news.

I had my follow up sonogram yesterday. We got a quick glimpse of our busy little nugget and everything is still looking good. The baby isn't huge, but is a good average size right now. At this point in my last two pregnancies my babies were all pretty darn big and I was measuring bigger than dates(dramatically so with my last), but I am perfectly content with an average size baby! I don't mind not walking around with a three month old size fetus, still growing INSIDE of me for the last three months! : )

The very best thing that we saw(or didn't see) was that the blood clot that I had before has been completely reabsorbed. HOORAY!! That means that there isn't likely to be any active bleeding at this point and takes away a BIG risk factor for pre-term labor. I couldn't be happier. Well, it would have been awesome to have had the placenta completely re-attach as well, but it has not gotten any worse, so that is a great sign. I feel very blessed that as of right now I only have a minimal risk for preterm labor and that the baby is growing well. I will go back again at 30 weeks (6 weeks from now) to check on things again and see how the baby is progressing. I also will go to midwife appointments every two weeks starting next month but that is routine. If at any point I seem to not be growing or the baby's movement changes, I will need to check on things, but all of that is pretty routine stuff too.

Al and I took a tour of the hospital that we will go to in the case of any emergency, and although it did give me a bit a panic attack seeing all the machines in all the rooms... if I need to be there then it will be a good thing that they will be prepared for whatever my baby might need, so it was still a comfort in a strange way. The rooms were nice and big and every room had an attached room for the baby with equipment for emergencies. So, although the last place I want to be is in a hospital, needing that kind of equipment, if I do end up there, they will be well prepared for whatever might happen.

My belly is really not feeling good, so I must depart, but I wanted to thank all of you who were sending positive thoughts and prayers our way. They have been felt and heard and there has been dramatic healing, so far! I am so thankful to you all and hope that amid the frantic pace of the holidays you are all sneaking some moments here and there to enjoy this special time.

Today I am grateful that my baby is growing and thriving.
I am thankful for all my bloggy buddies who send love, thoughts, and prayers our way, THANK YOU ALL!!

P.S. I tried to upload a picture of the growing tummy tonight but either my internet or blogger is WAY TOO SLOW... so I'll try again next time... sorry! : )

How to make Kimchi

2009-12-07T00:21:00.007-05:00

Kimchi!
Glorious, tasty, stinky kimchi.
If you have never eaten kimchi than you must be warned it has an extremely strong flavor. It is garlicky and spicy and it WILL give you dragon breath. It will also stink up the kitchen (and quite possibly the house) for a little while when you eat it, too. Also note to self and any other pregnant woman... even if you LOVE kimchi with a burning hot crazy passion, it is probably NOT a good idea to eat half a jar of it by itself (or even wrapped up in some seaweed) in one sitting. You will tend to get a little gassier than usual and your husband will probably not appreciate the hours of stinky burps... especially if he doesn't like it in the first place!! Not that I would have any recent experience with that being the delicate flower that I am... ahem... : )

Now before I get started I have to share a link to this video on youtube that I watched before I did this myself. The recipe that I used is basically hers with the addition of carrots and I substituted daikon radish for a korean radish. If you are serious about making kimchi and feel a little intimidated just watch her video a few times and you will see how easy it actually is... that's what I did! : )

Alrighty let's get started!

ingredients:

2 heads napa cabbage
1 cup kosher salt
10 cups water

8 green onions
2 daikon radish
3 medium carrots

1 fuji apple

1 head garlic
1/2 large white onion
2 inch piece of ginger root

7 tbsp fish sauce
1/4 cup sugar
1 1/4 cup Korean chili powder
(you can find this (as well as the fish sauce) at an Asian market, it is a must and is NOT the same as other chili powders!)

Step 1:

Quarter cabbage, cut out hard core at an angle like the first two cabbages in the picture below.

Half each section again and then chop into bite sized pieces, approximately 1.5-2 inch squares.

Step 2:

Using a large bowl (or in my case the lid of a cake holder) make a salt water solution with a 10:1 water to salt ratio. Depending on the temperature the cabbage will need to soak in this solution for anywhere from 5-10 hours. (hey, I said it was easy... not fast!) I checked mine every hour or so, swished it all around, and ended up soaking mine for about 4 hours, it was a really warm summer day(and we have no central air!). If I were to make it now it would take much longer because our kitchen also has no heat, and it's cold in there!!

Step 3:

Chop green onions on a bias into 1.5-2 inch pieces(you don't want your pieces too thick so if your onion has a lot of shoots and a thick section where they all come out, just half it there).

Peel and julienne your carrot and radish into 1.5-2 inch pieces in length and set aside.

ok, confession, I don't need this picture, but I just thought it was a cool picture of julienned radish... have I previously mentioned my ability to be easily amused? : )

here's a shot of where we are so far(with some beautiful tomatoes from the garden in the background... man do I miss summer already!!), the picture is missing the white onion in the bowl for the paste ingredients... sorry!

Step 4:

Roughly chop the white onion, apple, garlic, and ginger root (all peeled). Put in a blender or processor with the fish sauce and blend until you have a smooth paste. In a large bowl add paste, Korean chili powder, and sugar together. Most recipes I saw used a LOT more sugar, but when you use the apple you don't need much, which was one reason I liked this recipe.

Step 5:

Stir julienned vegetables into paste and set aside until your cabbage is ready to go. The paste will be thick, but it will loosen up as the veggies soften and the cabbage has been added.

Step: 6

Drain cabbage and rinse at least three times. I rinsed mine about four, maybe five times. Every time you rinse them you remove a little more of the salt, so taste it after three rinses and test for your own preference... don't lose too much of the salt though because it will effect the flavor and possibly the fermentation process(?)...

Step 7:

Add the well drained cabbage into the large bowl with the prepared paste and vegetables. Use protective gloves to keep from staining and also burning your hands. Also be aware that the bowl you use will most likely be stained for awhile so keep that in mind when selecting it. I used a big old plastic one, the cabbage loses a lot of bulk while soaking in the brine, so you won't need as big a bowl as you did in the beginning(thank goodness for my cake lid!!)

When you are adding the cabbage to the paste make sure that you are massaging it in well, the paste needs to completely envelope all the cabbage and vegetables. It will be very saucy, but the moisture will lesson as time goes on (or not depending upon how fermented you like your kimchi!). Traditionally, the cabbage is not cut into small pieces but the quartered cabbages are kept intact and the paste is then put in between each leaf and wrapped in a super cool way, but it takes up more space to store it that way, and seemed a little more intimidating to me. I used pint sized canning jars to store mine, but you can use any tight sealed container. I wouldn't want to use plastic, but you can if you are planning on eating it right away. It is also traditionally put in clay pots and buried for weeks or months(that's how my mom learned how to make it back in the 70's).

You can eat the kimchi as it is and refrigerate it right away, or you can leave it out for a few days to start the fermentation process. I like it both ways. My batch made about 8 pint jars. I gave a few jars away, I refrigerated a few, and I left a few out to ferment. If you do choose to leave them out, put them in a dark area, in a container because as they ferment they will start to bubble and leak. You will know when they have started to ferment because you can watch the bubbles move up the sides of the jar. It's pretty fun to watch! : ) It can make quite a mess if you aren't prepared for it, though! I fermented some of mine for 2 days, and the rest for 4 days. I liked them ALL. The longer they fermented the more tingle on the tongue, and the more pungent the smell and flavor. I also noticed that the more fermented the less wet they seemed to be, as well. You can play around with it and figure which you like the best! I think my very favorite was the 2 day fermented... but the fresh was really good too... and so was the 4 day stuff... hmmm... I really can't decide!

Well, I hope that someone out there tries to actually make some kimchi and I will see if I can spread the kimchi love! I'm telling you once you try it and like it, it will become a never ending craving! : ) Enjoy!

Today I am thankful for my early introduction into the wonderful world of kimchi! My kids think it smells really good, but it is a little spicy for them just yet. I hope that someday they too will become addicted to this tasty, healthy treat! : )

Contemplations and Kimchi

2009-12-04T14:14:00.007-05:00

contemplative - 2 dictionary results
con⋅tem⋅pla⋅tive /kənˈtɛmplətɪv, ˈkɒntəmˌpleɪ-, -tɛm-/ Show Spelled Pronunciation [kuhn-tem-pluh-tiv, kon-tuhm-pley-, -tem-]

–adjective 1. given to or characterized by contemplation: a contemplative mind.
–noun 2. a person devoted to contemplation, as a monk.
Origin:1300–50; <>

I am never so contemplative as when I am pregnant. Contemplative was a word that was used to describe me, by one of my favorite English teachers in college... and he never knew me pregnant!

I feel so deeply connected to the earth, the universe, and some infinite knowledge that I could never start to fully understand. It truly is a miracle, so many things have to go just right to get the end result that we all hope for. Just being intimately involved in a tiny part of this amazing cycle of life can be mind-boggling to me.

It is very personal to me, this whole incubation period. It is constantly on my mind, no matter what else I am doing. Unfortunately, along with this glorious connection to something much bigger than myself, I also feel a little less connected with the people I love. This feeling is noticed the most with the people I love the very most. I feel a little distant. It's not that I feel any less love for any of them.... I am just so very in tune with my body and the work that it is doing. This little human needs a lot to grow. And for better or worse, the entirety of that work here on this human realm is for me to do. It is an awesome responsibility... overwhelmingly so at times.

My very favorite pregnancy, by far, has been my first. I think about that often right now, because to be honest I just don't enjoy being pregnant as much right now. It has bothered me often during these last three because it makes me feel bad. It feels like I should enjoy this amazing thing that is happening through me. In the last few days, I think that I have finally figured out why. I enjoyed the first pregnancy so much more because I had nothing else in my life. I devoted every second to my baby and watching this miracle of life unfold, and not only was no one else hurt... there was no one else around to care. Now of course, I have many more people already deeply embedded in my everyday life. People who not only notice that I am more withdrawn, but that have come to depend on my "normal" personality traits. In my everyday life I have a lot to take care, as far the care and comforts of others. I am a natural mother, and usually thrive on being able to meet all the needs of my family. But right now, the internal "mothering" that I am doing feels much more at the forefront of my mind. When I am able to focus on myself I feel much more peaceful right now. It makes me feel selfish, but I honestly feel like it is a biological need to go into yourself to achieve this enormous goal of giving birth to a healthy child. I really struggled sharing it with Al the first time because he wanted to be such a big part of it... being his first time experiencing it. It is easier now because he does care and helps and does everything he can, but at this point realizes the best thing he can do is to help make me happy. The best thing that he can do is to support me, which I must say he really is making a strong effort to do. This time has been the best so far, actually. That is a pretty great bonus!! So I guess the question is: how do I deal with this new information.

I mean obviously, I want to be able to enjoy this period of time as much as I can. So right now that is my task... to figure out a way to get more personal time for myself, which will hopefully in turn make me a happier wife and Mama during the rest of this incredibly self-focused time. The biggest thing I keep telling my husband, who is probably struggling the most with my feelings of distance, is that this will be the last time we all have to deal with the crazy ups, downs, and in betweens of this fantastic journey. I am pretty sure that this will be our last... I thought that last time too... but changed my mind only a few months after Roscoe was born. This time I feel like this really could be our last... which of course means this is the last pregnancy for me. It makes me feel sad, and at the same time excited for this final chapter of this particular stage in my life as well as in our lives together as a family.

I have my follow up sonogram to check on how the placenta is doing on the 14th. I am feeling positive about things at this point. I have been giving myself about 30 minutes of focused meditation, prayer, and visualization every night since the first news. I am hopeful that this time we will find that either things are the same (and therefore not progressing in a negative way) or that it has healed. I will of course find out in a little over a week. I will let everyone know what the results are after I find out! : )

As for the second part of my title...

KIMCHI!
I love kimchi! My parents were stationed in Korea for about 2 years before my older sister was born (my mom spent most of her pregnancy overseas), and brought back the love of the culture, especially the food! My parents (more so my mom) were very open minded about food and trying to expose us kids to all different sorts of cuisines as we were growing up. We ate tofu, seaweed, Thai, Mexican, Korean, as well as what I always called my mom's Farm food, the likes of cow tongue soup and tripe (neither of which I liked then or now by the way! ... but mom always said we had to take a few bites before we were allowed to say we didn't like something!) right along with classics like meatloaf, pot roast, and homemade macaroni and cheese. My dad was in the army so we had friends from all different cultures. I think that one of the best gifts I was given as a child was exposure to so many different ways of living... and that all people had special ways of doing things, but we were all basically trying to achieve the same goals, as kid it seemed like that meant a happy and healthy family. I grew up very naive to the fact that many people are not as open minded as the people I grew up around. I am very grateful for that fact, I think it had a huge impact on the person that I have become today.
But back to the kimchi... I will sometimes goes years without it, but in the last few years I have wanted it more and more. It is very good for you. It is a fermented food, and it is considered a living food. It is chock full of vitamins and minerals and it is very low calorie, too! It does have a good amount of sodium content, but you can control how much if you make it yourself. It is pretty expensive to buy it often...and once you get hooked a small jar won't last long, sooo... Over the summer I embarked on a kimchi making adventure. I didn't have the time to blog about it then, but I knew that I might want to at some point so I took a bunch of pictures of everything... just in case! : )
So without further ado....

How to make your own Kimchi:

ok- I didn't intend for this to be a tease.. but I was just previewing my post and thought that this was already pretty lengthy. I just decided that I will make a new post just for the kimchi recipe and photos. The hubby is out with his Mama and I have some glorious alone time (and a crazy, manic, pregnant, no such thing as sleeping brain right now...) so I will work on it tonight and if it's not up tonight it will be tomorrow. promise!!

Today I am thankful that I may have figured out a way to enjoy this pregnancy a little more for the miracle that it is.

I am grateful that although he doesn't understand completely my husband is being incredibly supportive of me, even though I am different than what he is used to.

I am so grateful, as always, for my little dumplings... I know that they will think that all the change is worth it when they have an adorable drooly, poopy, sometimes crying but at some point smiling baby gazing back at them!

Acceptance and Unexpected News

2009-11-13T22:29:00.004-05:00

Acceptance is a running theme for today's post.

I have accepted that I am really a bad blogger. I read often, but comment rarely, and I am lucky to get a post a month up lately, but I'm hoping that the people who read will keep reading anyway. (oh, and I welcome any of you to use the flickr link on the right to see some pictures of the past month or so of craziness... )

I am in the process of accepting the fact that my sweet, sweet boy has just turned two and that even my little angel will succumb to fits, tantrums, and the general chaos of toddler hood.

I am in the process of accepting that my dear Sophia will probably always need just a little more from me than I always have available for her... and that she is getting the very best of me everyday, and that is the most that I can do.

I am in the process of accepting that as incredible my oldest, Emily is, she is still a teenager going through the throws of hormones and change and painful growing up. That not only can I not shelter her from it, but that I don't want to, because as painful as it it is to watch, that is my job as her Mama. My job is to watch her try and sometimes fail, but be there to support her getting back up and trying again. It is my job to watch her love and get her heart broken, but be there for a shoulder to cry on and help her to know that she will love again, probably many more times with the same outcome. It is my job to watch her struggle to understand things that are difficult, to watch her realize that life is not fair, that the world can be hard, but that she can still be open and fair and giving anyway.

I am in the process of accepting that this pregnancy is amazing and has already given me so much. The knowledge that I have the capacity to love more, give more, be more than I was before I conceived. And that no matter what the outcome I am a better person for having experienced exactly what I have up until this point, and for as long as I am blessed with this continued life within me.

As of today I am 20 weeks.

I have made it halfway through this pregnancy. This would usually bring me some kind of comfort... but sadly last week when I went to my sonogram appointment I got some unexpected news. It wasn't the good kind.

First off, because I will be turning 35 at the end of next month (and about two months before the baby is due) I had to get genetic counseling... which was fairly unpleasant. The truth is that I do know quite a bit about the things that can go wrong, but personally, I don't do much testing because no matter what we would find out I wouldn't do anything differently. I already eat as well as I can, exercise, and follow the guidelines for pregnancy. I would never terminate a pregnancy because there was something wrong... even something really wrong, because at this point I am halfway through and it just doesn't fit into my personal belief system... that being said the DH and I had to sit through about 30 minutes of a geneticist telling us all the terrible things that could be going wrong and pressuring us to get an amnio, even though there are no big markers or any family history... but just because "well you know you are getting older now..." yes, thank you young chippy... I realize I am the ripe old age of 34 right now... please get me my walker... good lord... I'm 34!!!. Anyway, by the time we got to get the sonogram I was already full of a lot of information (mostly negative) and I was ready for the pleasure of seeing my healthy beautiful baby!

We did and the baby looks great! Healthy, right on target size-wise, a real mover and shaker just like all her siblings (oh, I am calling her a her but we don't actually know what sex the baby is... we like to wait for the surprise at the end of the journey!!). She actually gave the tech a pretty hard time, not wanting to show her face to check for a cleft lip... but eventually all the necessary shots were taken and all the organs look as though they are functioning well. There are 10 fingers and toes, a beautiful brain... just about perfect.

The baby is looking very good, but my placenta is not. I have been diagnosed with a circumvallante placenta, which basically means that the placenta is starting to pull away from my uterus in a circular manner. Instead of being 100% attached it is at about 80% right now. Because the placenta is a smart organ (like a liver) it is compensating for this by being thicker than a "normal" placenta. Both the detachment and the thicker placenta are strong indicators for low birth weight babies. Also because of this separation, I have a good size blood clot resting on top of my cervix right now. All of these things separately are strong indicators for pre-term labor. All of them together make the possibility much, much more likely.

Wow... it was nothing I was thinking I would hear. I usually run late with my babies, my big chubby babies. With the first I was induced 7 days post dates (7lbs 12 oz), the second was 15 days late(8lbs 10 1/2 oz), the third was 9 days late(9lbs 12 1/2 oz).... the thought of having a preemie or God forbid a baby too little to even survive never even crossed my mind... not even once... not until Monday that is.

The doctor said that everything has the possibility of being just fine, and in the same breath he told me that if anything happens in the next 6 weeks there is nothing to be done. I now have 5 weeks to what they call the cut off for viability... and my waiting has begun.

I have talked with a lot of people about this and they all had their own perspectives about the possibilities. The biggest thing that I have been struggling with is how to NOT think about the negative things that COULD happen and trying to put all my energy into the positive things that also COULD happen. I can't help but think about how hard it would be to lose this baby. The thought brings me to instant tears, it has already been such a crazy journey for us this time around, I already feel so much love.

I have been feeling better today about things because I spoke with one of my midwives(who just started at the birth center as a midwife, BUT was the nurse at my prior two births there) and she had a similar, but much more dire prognosis during her last pregnancy. Things did not turn out perfectly but the end result is a beautiful almost 5 year old daughter who came early, but now is just like the rest of her peers. It felt good to hear a real life situation, that although didn't have a perfect situation, turned out well in the end. AND, she gave me some perspective about where my stats are in the levels of badness... they are low level right now. Things might change, but for right now I have reason to hope, which is nice to know. She also told me how during the summer she had to catch 40 babies for her schooling, and that out of those she had several that were full term, average weight babies whose mothers also had circumvallante placentas, one of them, who never had a sonogram, went through the whole pregnancy none the wiser.... so really, truly things could turn out just fine. It is just a waiting game at this point.

I am not bleeding and haven't had bleeding since 11 weeks. If I do start to bleed, it will not be a good sign at all... but there's no reason to think that will definitely happen. It is possible for the blood clot to be reabsorbed, which would be amazing and take away one risk for pre-term labor. The baby's growth starts to become more of an issue much later on, around 28 weeks. By that time the placenta will have either healed itself or become much thicker which means it can impede the baby's growth. The possibility that the placenta could continue to detach is also very real. There is a wide spectrum of possibilities at this point, from going full term with a big healthy baby to having spontaneous placental abruption (complete detachment) at any given time, and everywhere in between those two extremes.

So, like I said the waiting has begun. I am praying and sending all my positive thoughts into myself for that precious little one to hear. I am eating as well as I can.... exercising daily (the doctor said it was good to keep as active as I feel comfortable with) ...trying to rest... although that has been kind of hard, I have been having a great deal of difficulty sleeping since Monday. But I am doing everything that I can everyday, and that is all that I can do.

The most difficult lesson for me to learn from any pregnancy, but it seems especially in this one, is that I am not the one in control. I have to let go and let what will happen, happen. Surrender is a difficult thing for me, but it is the only thing for me to do right now... so that is my ongoing goal.

Acceptance, surrender, and LOVE. I don't know what else to do.

Today I am thankful to have a healthy 20 week fetus moving and grooving inside of me as we speak (or type!).

I am grateful to have a supportive group of women around me to listen, teach, talk with, and support me through this trying emotional time.

I am grateful for every week, every day, every minute that I have with my baby and hope that there will be many more to come.

I am grateful for any thoughts, prayers, and positive energy that any of you have available to send my way! Thank you! : )

October used to be my favorite month...

2009-10-12T23:13:00.008-04:00

Fall.
I LOVE Fall!
I love the cooler weather, the harvesting of all the work we've done over the summer in our garden, the fall treats... like everything pumpkin(pie, muffins, breads, butter, the list goes on and on...) and warm comforting drinks...
I can not tell you how much I enjoy watching the leaves change. It is, to me, the world reminding us that everything continually changes, and although we might have been enjoying the the phase we were in, we shouldn't mourn it's passing too much, because the next one has endless possibilities full of wonder, beauty, and joy as well!

When my husband and I got engaged, I knew right away that the wedding should be in October. October 16th was the date to be exact, the perfect time for a beautiful Fall wedding. The leaves are usually in their peak of brightness and variety of colors. The weather is cool, but often nice enough to have an outdoor ceremony. We booked a location within a local park with lots of trees, a good open area for the ceremony, and a farmhouse with a kitchen in the basement and a huge dance floor on the main floor. We never made it to our wedding, although we(my daughter, Al, and I) did go there that day and have our own little party to celebrate, because we eloped instead. We ran off to Las Vegas and got married on Leap Day 2004. I will never regret that decision for many reasons, but mostly because I am married to the love of my life and we have proven to ourselves that our life will be full of passion and sometimes somewhat rash but usually good decisions... but I do think about it still around this time of year. I will also never regret that we didn't get married in October because now it is the BUSIEST month in our whole year!
When we were pregnant with our first child her due date was actually October 14th the next year. She is a stubborn little thing (since birth) and waited until the 29th to join our family, just three days shy of her father's birthday on the first of November. Yes, she was actually 15 days late! She arrived on the very last day she could without having to be born in a hospital (you usually can't deliver at the birth center after 14 days postdates, but they gave me over the weekend because they knew how badly I didn't want to be in the hospital... and she came late that Saturday night). Our second child together had a due date of October 2nd or 3rd(how terrible that I don't actually remember!). He is much easier going by nature (since birth as well) and only decided to make us wait until the 12th. Apparently, January is a good(or bad depending on your perspective) month for fertility! I say this not only because we have two children in October, but because we also have my Aunt's birthday on the 8th, my grandmother on the 17th, my sister on the 22nd, a good friend on the 25th, and my husband on the first of November... ok not technically October by REALLY close... close enough to make this the absolute busiest birthday month of the year!!
So, when I stop and think about it, I realize that it is true that everything happens for a reason although you might not understand it at the time... if we had our anniversary in October it would get completely lost in the holiday madness that is my October now (because let's not forget Halloween right in between Sophia and Al, which requires ridiculous amounts of work and planning, if I am ever going to manage costume making into this incredibly hectic month!)!!

So, I still enjoy October, Fall, and all the things that are brought to mind during this time of year.. but now I enjoy them a little more in November... after Al's birthday and before Thanksgiving, when I have a little more time to actually relax and ponder them!

And on a personal note, I am doing much better than the last time that I posted. I am feeling much less morning sickness, thank goodness! I am also feeling as though I can enjoy my pregnancy a bit more and not feel quite as much worry, now that I am solidly into my second trimester. I still have days when I think about what may have been, but truthfully, I am so busy that I don't have much time to dwell right now. I am feeling pretty much at peace with what has happened and just feel grateful to be where I am now.

Today was my son's second birthday. It was hectic and crazy, but in a good way. We had a great day and he felt like a king for the day. Everywhere we went, he told everyone he could, that it was his birthday and being the handsome and fairly charming little man that he is, people were pretty kind and gracious with him and his somewhat overly enthusiastic announcements that "IT'S MY BIRTHDAY.... I TWO.... I TWO ON MY BIRTHDAY!!"
We all went to see the Toy Story double feature in 3D... fun, but a SERIOUS commitment to watching movies! I don't feel the need to be in a theater for a long time at this point! He slept on me for the last 45 minutes or so of the second film (which I loved because he is still my baby!)
He got the dinner of his choice: Hamburgers, Tater tots, and Homemade Mac and Cheese, with Pumpkin Pie for dessert. He got to blow out his birthday wish candle and did it all by himself this year. He got to open presents and only got a little help from his bigger sister! ; ) I think he went to bed a very tired, but completely satisfied little boy! And of course that is all I want for him on any given day, so I say Mission Complete! : )

I have received two awards since my last post and as always appreciate them ... so thank you! I have good intentions of responding to them appropriately, but have been a little overwhelmed with present making, in combination with a spider costume I am trying to pull out of my brain consisting of coat hangers, fluff, black fabric, and a turtleneck... I might have more on that later if I can pull it off. I am making it up as I go.. so I'm hoping I can, since I have a very determined (almost) 4 year old expecting her mama to pull through for her... wish me luck on that! We also have a party for the both of the kids this Saturday, which is also spider themed and we have been making all different kinds of decorations and such.. also hoping to post about them... before they are obsolete... but I am only posting tonight because I am having a hard time coming down from a busy day and am up much later than is probably wise for my sanity tomorrow!! : )

and on that note....my dear good friends... thank you for your patience in my posting. I hope to have more in the near future... but I guess we'll see just how manic I get! ; )

Today I am thankful that I have been blessed with the sweetest, most beautiful boy I know. HAPPY BIRTHDAY BABY!!
I am grateful for the fall weather and changes it is bringing.
I am grateful that I have a house so full of love that it can sometimes overwhelm me... but usually in a good way! ; )

Joy, Sadness, Confusion, and Joy

2009-09-17T14:06:00.006-04:00

Well my friends... do I have a wild and wacky week to report to you!

We'll start with Monday and work our way through to the end result here on Thursday. Buckle up because it is a bumpy ride! (alright, as always it took me a little longer to get through this post than I thought it would... so forgive me an extra day (or three)...ok? also, and this is important!! after writing this I realize that it might be way more information than some people can handle. I need to write all this out, to get it out of my head and try to heal my heart, but if you are sensitive you really might not want to read any further. please be warned! )

Monday-
I finally had my first appointment with the midwives. I had really been looking forward to this. I couldn't wait to hear the heartbeat and get some reassurances that everything was going well. We were able to have Al's mom come over so that we could both go together and not have to worry about the munchkins. We talked about lots of things with our midwife (or one of the 5 in the practice) and got reacquainted. Then the time that Al and I had really been waiting for was at hand. Time for the exam to see how big the good old uterus was... and hopefully hear the baby's heartbeat.

And we did! I can not explain to you how encouraging and beautiful of a sound it is to hear your little baby's heart beating away faster than the solid thump-thump of my own in the background. It is an amazing thing! It made both Al and I mist over and made me feel a high that I had forgotten felt so darn good!

And then it was time for some pushing and prodding. Well, ladies and gentlemen. Surprise! My uterus is big... by about 5 weeks too big. So it would be a good idea to go get a sonogram to make sure that our dates are correct(which I KNOW they are...) and to check to see if perhaps there is more than one occupant in said uterus.
YIKES!!
I went from high to crash in moments. I had really talked myself into believing that the midwife would smile and be kind, while telling me that intuition isn't all it is cracked up to be, and that I was right on time for having one healthy baby. At the same time, I also felt a little vindicated, because I have been telling my hubby from the very beginning that I thought it was twins. I was too sick, too hungry, too tired... he just smiled and said... ok honey we'll see... but he didn't believe it... not until the midwife said it was possible. Isn't that always the way? At least in my house, I can tell my hubby something and then someone that he has deemed to have "authority" can say THE EXACT SAME THING... and somehow now he believes it. sigh. But either way, I went home and made an appointment at the hospital for a sonogram on Thursday(part of going to a birthing center is the fact that they are very low tech. I happen to adore that fact... but if I need any technology, I have to go to the hospital that they work with... which I don't like so much). To me it is worth the trip to have what I actually want at the center... but I digress.

Monday night-
I go home and start freaking out!! I call girlfriends and my yoga instructor wanting somebody, anybody, everybody to tell me that it will all be ok. If I am having twins it was meant to be and I will do just fine. I was freaking out over the hardship on my still healing body, the addition of two infants in one fell swoop... going from 3 kids to FIVE. Go ahead say it out loud... to me it sounds like a BIG JUMP!! I also felt happy because I had felt from from the beginning that this was true, and as scared as I was, it was also kind of thrilling. I went to bed early, got some sleep, and woke the next day feeling MUCH better about things. I guess I just needed a little time to accept that my gut had been right and that no matter what... I would be ok. I let myself feel excited about the prospect for the first time. I only had to wait until Thursday morning to find out for sure. I could wait two more days right? : )

Tuesday-
Tuesday was a busy day. The hubby has Mondays and Tuesdays off every week so those are our super busy, get as much stuff done as possible, days. The cool thing about it is that most people have to work those days.... so any kind of paperwork/office type thing or shopping adventure we have to do is not as busy. In fact, I am probably one of the only people who doesn't like a 3 day weekend... because it messes with my ability to get more accomplished because more people are out and about and in my way! : )
So, Al and I ran around doing this and that most of the day. Then after getting the little ones down for nap, I had to go get Emily and take her to a doctor's appointment. While I was sitting in the waiting room I noticed that I had started to cramp a little. It wasn't too bad, and the day before during my exam my midwife had said I might get a little crampy and have some spotting. I thought it was a little strange that it was happening the next day... but then I needed to go talk with the doctor and got distracted by doing a few more errands since I was out without the little people.

Tuesday Night:
By the time I got home it was late. The little ones and Al were a little grumpy and no one wanted to cook. We were in discussion of calling it a pizza night, when the cramping got worse. It became bad enough that I had to stop talking for a minute. I went upstairs to pee and when I was wiping noticed that there was a spot of blood on the tissue. I looked down into the toilet and noticed a quarter sized clot sitting at the bottom. Huh, well I don't know what that means... but maybe it's just from my exam. I put on a panty liner and went back downstairs to talk about food. I told Al what happened in what I could hear myself saying in too calm of a voice... it was my mother voice... I was scared. We decided on our take out food choice and I was headed out the door, when it started. A gush of blood. I ran upstairs and sat on the toilet. The liner was thoroughly soaked. When I wiped all I saw was bright red blood. I got up, put on a big super absorbent pad and called the midwife on call. By the time she called me back only 5 minutes later. I had felt another gush of blood. I went back to the bathroom and rocked and cried. I was scared. I knew what was happening, but I wanted very badly to hear it was something else. When I stood up again the water in the toilet was all pink and swirled with red. I got up and went to lay down on the bed and wait for the call back. Al came in and checked on me. He had in the last few minutes looked up a bunch of stuff on the internet. Oh the internet. It is the source of a lot of information, but not all of it is accurate, and a lot of it can just leave you more confused... or overwhelmed with too much information. He started telling me how it wasn't what I thought... it was this... or this... or maybe this...

I was so happy when the call back came just so he would stop talking for a minute. I know that he was trying to help, but it wasn't. I talked with the midwife for about 15 minutes. She went through the list of things that could be happening. Then she started to tell me what to expect if it was the beginnings of a miscarriage. I tried to listen, but as she was talking I had two more gushes, and my tears were falling hard and fast.
This is hard to write. It still hurts so much.
I got off the phone and had to tell Al all the things that she had said. I tried to tell him all the possibilities, but I knew what it was. I tried to tell him, I was so so sorry, but he wouldn't let me. He couldn't believe it yet.

The kids were still downstairs, hungry and wondering why Mama was crying. He had to be the one to rally... feed the kids... keep things as normal as he could for them. I actually don't really know what went on for the next bit of time, or for how long. I was embroiled in my own terrible sadness and pain.

The next few hours are a blur. I was going back and forth between the bedroom, bathroom, and hallway depending on where the kids were. I was trying not to be around them... because I didn't want them to see me so upset. I continued to bleed. I spent most of the time crying. Then I lost a large amount of fluid. It wasn't bright red... it was a weird orange color. It came in two large waves and it felt like amniotic fluid to me. It drenched my pad and was very wet and hot. This is where I totally lost it. The blood had been scary, but for some reason the fluid sent me over the edge. I sat on the top of the stairs and just wailed, while I rocked myself. Poor Al tried to comfort me... but I was inconsolable. For awhile everything stopped. The kids were in bed by then so Al took me downstairs. We burned a candle and said a prayer and laid down together on the couch. After maybe an hour or so I felt another release of blood. When I went upstairs to clean up I saw it was the biggest release I had had. There was tissue in the blood that looked to me like peeled sunburned skin or something. I was done crying. I had become completely numb at that point. I didn't tell Al about it. I just couldn't and I didn't see the point in giving him more unpleasant visions.

I went back downstairs and laid with my husband and watched tv until my eyes burned. I finally turned it off about 3:30 in the morning and just lay there in the dark, listening to my husband breath deeply and staring at our candle and wondering how I could hear the beat of my baby's heart and the next day this all could have happened. I was also scared that it wasn't over because except for the first clot there hadn't been anything size able, certainly not big enough to have been an 11 week fetus. I tried not to think about what tomorrow would be like. I might have dozed off and on, but I was up and cleaning at 5 AM. I just couldn't stand laying there anymore. I waited until 7 to call the midwife on call. I called and when she called back she listened to me and then asked if I wanted to come in and listen for a heart beat.

Wednesday:
After the call back I still had a few hours before I went in to listen for a heartbeat so I fed the kids, folded some laundry... wandered the house... took a shower. Then it was time to head down to the center. I was a nervous wreck. On the drive I sporadically sobbed because I was so overwhelmed with everything that had happened. Would I hear a heart beat... had I lost both babies, one, either of them? I got there and no one else was there yet because the midwife had come in early for me, so I wouldn't have to wait to long. She called me back and asked me to tell her what had happened the night before. I gave her an abridged version... I had cramping and bleeding for about 6 hours. Can we please just get up on that table?
And so I did. My husband was home with the other kids... we didn't have anyone else to watch them and as much as I wanted him there... it just wasn't possible. He had to call off work as it was... otherwise I would have had to take them with me.... and I didn't want to have to do that!

As I lay on the table with the cold goo on my tummy listening, waiting, hearing nothing but static and my own heartbeat over and over again, the tears began to fall again. My midwife was so sweet. She held my hand and kept saying over and over.... it's ok... there's lots of places to look... don't freak out yet... I'll tell you when you can freak out... it's ok Ruth... it's ok...

and then it happened! ...the teeny tiny rat-tat-tat of my little baby hiding way in the back to the left. I don't think there has ever been a longer two and a half minutes of my life! It was so faint that she couldn't hear it well over my own... so she adjusted one more time and pow. There it was loud and strong and clear. Again my flood of tears came. My baby was ok. My baby was still alive in there -heart beating strong. The joy, relief, and amazement there like never before! I had another internal exam to check my cervix which was closed nice and tight if not spotted with some old blood from the night before. I talked with her for a few minutes about the possibilities of what happened... but until the sonogram there was no way to tell. I did find out something I didn't know before though, when a young fetus passes away it usually takes the body 3-6 weeks to realize this and expel it from the body. So that when most people miscarry in the first trimester their baby hasn't been alive for awhile... its just that because they are so small and there is not much movement felt yet, we don't realize anything has gone wrong. So if that is what happened it's possible that my baby's heart never even started to beat. It may never have been more than 6 or 7 weeks old when it passed away. I still had the appointment on Thursday and they get really busy so, I had to wait until then to find out. I called Al as soon as I started down the stairs and out the door. Crying tears of joy again, feeling more grateful than I can explain.
As I got in my car and continued to talk to him, something different began to touch me. It was grief. How could I possibly feel grief when I heard a healthy heartbeat? But what about the other baby, even if it was small and tiny, minuscule even, and never had a chance... I didn't know that. I didn't know.

The rest of the day I have to honestly say I spent mostly waiting for and wondering about the next day. I took a 4 hour nap in the middle of the day and tried to go to bed early.

Thursday:
Try as we might, every single friend and relative was unavailable, so again I headed to the hospital by myself. I had heard the heartbeat of one baby so I knew that there was one that was ok. I was anxious nonetheless. I wanted more than ever to see that all parts were in the right place and that the little one was doing well. I got to the hospital and went up to the 6th floor. The whole floor had been remodeled and was now a pediatric floor. YIKES! I got back in the elevator feeling confused and frustrated with myself. Why hadn't I asked.. now I might be late. When I looked up there was a very nice woman who asked me if I was ok(I must have looked as frazzled as I felt!). It turned out she was a doctor from another floor. She was very calm and reassuring. She knew they had moved the sonogram department but wasn't sure where...and thought it might be in a different building a few blocks away. She found an internal phone called over, found out where they were, let them know that I was in the wrong place, but that I was there, so please wait for me. After getting quick directions to where I was supposed to go, I walked as quickly as I could to get to my appointment. I had already parked in paid parking and didn't want to have to pay twice... so I just hoofed it. I got there in a few minutes and was feeling grateful that I have been walking so much! I was less than 5 minutes late... so not too bad. I didn't have to wait for very long before they called me back.
The tech was having a bad day and her negative energy was just filling the whole room. I tried to make small talk to distract her... but it was pointless, so I just sat quietly waiting. When she started the sonogram the first thing I saw was my little one floating around, moving
and kicking up a storm! Then I noticed the second distinct area which looked to me like a second placenta... but it was empty. What it turned out to be was a "small" (although it was 4 times bigger than the baby) hematoma. She barely focused on the baby at all. She took a few shots, and it moved in and out of the screen, but mostly she was just checking around. She didn't talk to me much, but when she came back from showing the Dr, who I never saw, she told me that the second area had not been a twin and that I could go home. I asked her several questions but was told to call my midwife and ask her.
Blah! This is one of the many reasons I don't want to have a hospital birth. I don't like the treatment I get there. I really appreciate being talked to like a human being.... a human being who has just been through something that was scary and fairly traumatic... not like I'm in the way for the next number who needs to be processed!
So, as soon as I got out, I called Al and told him that the baby looked good. Right on target for the dates and as healthy as they can tell at this stage. But that I was leaving with more questions than answers and I'd have to call him back. I called the midwife on call and she reminded me that I needed to come in for a Rhogam shot anyway, so we could talk then. I am Rh- and Al is positive... so I get routine shots at different stages of my pregnancy to help my body avoid producing antibodies that could kill the baby... this is especially important when there has been bleeding, and I had to get an extra one.
So, from what I explained to the midwife(they didn't have the report yet because I headed straight over after I was done) she thinks that the hematoma could have been caused by the loss of a twin. She says that there is no way to know for sure at this point and that she thinks I should trust my intuition. My sister (who is a doctor) thinks that is not the case and that the hematoma came from an emplantment issue that happened at the very beginning. I was left feeling confused. On one hand I feel so incredibly grateful that I have a healthy baby. On the other hand I'm not sure if I should be feeling the loss that I AM feeling. I have no desire to mourn something that never was, but it is very hard for me to wrap my mind around some of the things I saw and felt, if there was no loss.

I am finishing writing this out several days later now, and I have had a few more days to think about and absorb the events of last week. I am physically feeling several things that make me feel like maybe there was a twin loss. Not only was there the tissue and the fluid loss, but I woke up the next morning feeling much less pressure. It's hard to explain to anyone who hasn't been pregnant, but I just feel less pregnant than before. I don't have to pee as much. I'm not as hungry... or sick. I had thought that I was feeling flutters before all this started... I know that it was early to feel movement, but I felt them for a few days before the blood loss happened, things that were NOT gas, that really felt like movement. I haven't felt anything since Tuesday. Some of the things can be explained by a loss of pressure because I lost a lot of fluids that night. I lost 3 pounds from Tuesday to Wednesday morning. I had gained 6 pounds already, but lost 3 and am holding steady now. It is just strange because I feel sadness. I have been feeling loss, but at the same time feeling like I'm not sure what really happened. My husband wants to believe that there wasn't a twin... and maybe there wasn't. But I am having a hard time understanding how I would feel so completely different from one day to the next.
Basically, what I have decided is that regardless of how things ended up where they are now, my body has experienced a huge change. There has been a big change in the energy within my body, and whether there was an undeveloped embryo or not, I just have to let myself feel whatever my body needs to feel. I had a very sad day on Friday. I decided to let myself feel the sadness, and I am feeling much better now. Al and I burned a candle for the the loss and said whatever words we felt necessary and had some closure.
I have a healthy baby in my womb and that is the most important thing. Whatever got me to this right here, isn't as important as being here right now. I plan on continuing to let myself process and experience whatever it is that I need to, to come out on the other side, holding my newest addition in my arms many more months down the line.

This is a scan of the best shot I got from the sonogram. It is still so tiny, and doesn't look as "human" yet as it will at the 18-20 week sonogram, that is the usual scheduled one to check one the organs and functioning levels of them. BUT you can see a head profile and over the belly was a little bit of the hand that kept waving about.

Today I am grateful to have amazing midwives who supported and helped me through this entire situation!

I am SO VERY thankful to have a picture of my healthy little person growing inside of me.

I am thankful that, once again, my husband was everything I needed him to be inthe middle of a crisis, taking care of our kids and making us all feel cared for!

I am thankful, so very thankful for the children I have right now. They are the greatest gift I have ever been given, and I cherish them more than I can say!

Opinions needed, PLEASE!

2009-09-05T09:31:00.004-04:00

I know that one of my bloggy friends has asked this question before... but I don't remember who... or what the answer was.... sooo as I am too lazy to go through everyone on my blogrolls history... I am just going to ask myself!

Do people go back and read the comment section that they have left a comment on to see if there is a response... or do you want someone to go to your blog and perhaps leave a message that isn't appropriate(or at least isn't about that particular post) on your last blog?
I know that there is a way to attach your email to your blog, so that when you leave a message on some one's comments they can just "respond" to the notification email. And just to throw my opinion in there, I am connected this way if anyone ever wants to respond to a comment I leave. I learned how to do this from a Mama's Losin It tutorial (which is actually a SITS tutorial, I guess...) BUT most of the people who comment on my blog are not connected in that way.
Ok have I thoroughly confused everyone?

The question is how would you like to get a response from a comment?

I often want to respond to people... but am not sure how to go about it... and then I end up not responding at all.... and that makes me feel bad.. or like I don't care about the comments... which is certainly not how I feel.

All of this comes from me not knowing how I should respond to comments in general, but it became very apparent to me when I wanted to thank everyone who left me kind comments on my Surprise! blog. Those comments meant the world to me because I was feeling a little overwhelmed and somewhat exposed at the time, so for now I will just say Thank You So Much from the bottom of my heart!
I can not explain how much I appreciate the friendships that I have acquired through this whole blogging thing. I know that I am nowhere near the consistent blogger that I was hoping to be when I first started this blog, but every post I do put up is straight from my heart, and I really can't describe the feeling I get from knowing that (although they are few) I do have a few really great people out there who are actually interested in the things that I might have to say!!
thanks again everyone!!
oh yeah, and don't forget to answer my question in my comment section if you wouldn't mind!! : )

Today I am grateful for the friendships that I have made through this fascinating world of blogging!

Ch-Ch-CH-Changes

2009-09-04T15:06:00.009-04:00

Well it is nap time and my children are both actually sleeping!! Wow! I actually have a few moments of time to myself.... hard to believe!

I'm not sure if it is the season or the things going on in my life, but I have been feeling very nostalgic lately. The only constant is change. I hate change. I try not to, but I just don't enjoy it much. I like to have a rough idea of how my day is going to go... and I think that carries over into my life in general. Of course, that doesn't change the way that life is, so during times of change I have to make a concerted effort to go with the flow instead of fighting it the whole way. I'd like to say that I am getting better at it as I grow older and wiser, but I think that the opposite is true. I get nervous and fret a bit whenever something I am comfortable with needs to change. I understand that change comes from growth and that it is a necessary part of life... I just don't translate what I know, into how I feel, quite as well as I'd like to!

We have quite a few changes going on around our house right now...

Emily started school yesterday. HIGH SCHOOL!!! I was a nervous wreck all day yesterday. I know that she is ready, but I can't help but put myself in her place. As old as she thinks I am, it still feels like yesterday to me when I stop and bring up all the memories, both good and bad, from that time in my life. I got up early and drove her downtown(she will be riding the bus most mornings) to go to her first day of high school, but I forgot to take her picture! It was too early and truthfully, I was just trying not to throw up on the poor child(my morning sickness is still going strong!), but I did get a shot of her once she got home.

I think that proves to me that she is a big girl and is going to be just fine! : ) She said that things were a bit confusing, her school teaches in a different way than most. It's different than the way I went to high school, too. They have block academics in the mornings (so they have 80 minute classes, every other day to fit them all in) and then their major (hers is musical theater) in the afternoons. They have a long day. She starts at 7:40 and doesn't get out until 3:40. But it seems like she feels pretty comfortable and she is excited to get to focus so much energy on her passion.

I am glad that she is enjoying school, or is excited about the prospects anyway. I always have a week or two adjustment period to her not being around. I get really used to her being here most of the time during the summer. At times it can almost be a little too much, because whenever there is a moment when the little ones are occupied (or napping) then she wants to be with me even more, to get that one on one time. In the beginning of the summer it makes me a little crazy, but by the time she goes back to school I am used to my shadow, so when she is gone again... things just feel a little empty around here. I have to be honest though, I am thoroughly enjoying the fact that I am here at the computer and when I try to move I don't bump into her! I of course have my own changes going on right now, so it is especially welcome to have a little time to my own thoughts right now.

Every time that I have been pregnant I find it a little more difficult to perform my daily duties. It isn't just that I feel truly awful 90% of the time right now, although I do. It is what is going on in my head. I become so completely intrinsically focused when I am carrying a child. I know that it is a biological part of the process. It is important to pay attention to so many things, and the crazy hormone changes and the whole growing an entire human being thing... well they take time. They take time, and energy, and focus. They take a lot of things that I don't "have time" for on a daily basis. But it doesn't matter if I have the "time" or not because a baby has a way of making you take the time! I guess it is mother nature's way of getting the family ready for a new person to join the family, but it is something that I have a hard time with. I rarely get time to myself anyway, and now I feel like I should be spending as much quality time with my current family as I can, while I have the "time".

Ha! TIME is the key word of the day! It is such a powerful idea, time. There always enough if you make it, but there is never enough to do everything you want to do.

I was finally able to get a hold of my sister. She made the time(hee hee... sorry) to finally call me back... but only after I relentlessly harassed her answering machine AND her husband. I started calling his cell phone when I knew they were together as a family, because I had been trying to get to talk with her for over 3 weeks! She took the news very well. She got quiet for a minute and then promptly said congratulations and VERY promptly changed the subject! : ) I haven't spoken with her since... and I don't imagine that I will for awhile. But I am OK with that because I know she has her own stuff to deal with. I also have told my father, whose reaction was to ask if my sister knew and how she reacted to the news. I had waited until I HAD told her for this reason... and he's not a great secret keeper either so I didn't want it coming from him.... but he seemed pleased enough for us.

I have my first appointment with the midwives on the 14th. I can't wait to go! I am hoping to hear the heartbeat and I have completely convinced myself that it is twins... even though there is no history and I realize how unlikely it would be... and I am looking forward to being told that I am crazy and my uterus is the appropriate size for just one little nugget! I also look forward to getting a little comfort from being "seen". I forget every time, but I always remember when I am stuck in the middle of it... how unsettling the early part of pregnancy is for me. I am not a huge worrier in general, in fact, I tend to be a little overly optimistic. But in these early weeks there is so much that can go wrong, and there is very little reassurance that everything is going alright. I enjoy things much more during the second and third trimester, when you can feel your little one moving around and you have passed into the magic number of months where miscarriage is much more unlikely. I know that things still happen, but there is something to be said for being able to feel the small human growing inside of you! : )

Well, as I finished typing the last sentence I hear the calls of some bigger, little humans awaking upstairs! I hope that you all are well, and enjoying the last days of warmth (for us east coasters) while they are here! Much too soon the leaves will begin to fall and the evenings are already coming earlier... because the seasons like our lives are always changing! : )

and just because I haven't put any up in awhile...

Sophia at one of our local parks.

Roscoe giving me that charming smile! : )

Today I am thankful that all my family knows of our new addition, and is happy for us.
I am thankful that this wretched morning sickness at least makes me feel like I know that my body is doing what it needs to do to keep this baby healthy.
I am grateful to have only a little over a week before I will (hopefully) hear the heartbeat of our baby.
I am thankful that I live so close to so many beautiful trees that remind me how natural change really is!! : )

Surprise!!

2009-08-23T11:37:00.001-04:00

I have been absent again.

I know, you are probably used to it at this point.

There is a different reason that I have been away this time though. I am on the verge of another big life change... again. And it has so taken over my thoughts and processing that I haven't been able to focus on anything else for long enough to write a cohesive post. I've tried several times... my drafts are starting to outnumber my actual posts at this point! : )

Well, what could be so life altering that I couldn't focus on anything else?

That's right... surprise!

We are having another baby!
What!?!

This was not part of my plan on what I would be doing for the next 2 years (because you know the pregnancy really takes 10 months and we all know there is nothing outside as important as whatever is going on with a newborn baby for the first year or so).

I had a few suspicions, because when I was going on my walks I got really light headed a few times. So one afternoon when I got back from a walk (the kiddos were still napping) I found an old test and went into the bathroom to take it. I really thought that it would be negative, and was taking it just to ease my mind (if I thought I actually WAS pregnant I would have waited until the next morning). My hubby happened to be home that day and was taking a bath... when I told him what I was doing, he just rolled his eyes at me, I guess he didn't think I would be either...

I am excited and happy, now. But I must admit that when I first found out, I had an adjustment period to deal with. I have known for over a month already, and honestly I am still in a little bit of shock. I am really good at knowing my own body and what is going on as far as the womanly works go... but as my midwife so lovingly reminded me, I am getting older... and things can get a little wonky around my age. Here's hoping that after my next appointment my uterus growth is on target because twins would throw me for another loop... not to mention I couldn't continue care with my beloved midwife practice because of becoming a complicated pregnancy... but that is jumping ahead to unlikely circumstances... but then again this was surprise, so...

Anyway, my initial shock gave way to a fair number of worries and a lot of tears at first. I had an explosion of different thoughts, worries, and anxiety.

Here's a few of the things that I was worried about.

Truthfully and selfishly, I was excited to be getting to focus on myself for the first time in a long time. I was doing really well with my desire to get healthier and more fit. I had reached 3/4 of the way to my first weight loss goal and had a secondary one already in mind for when I had reached my first big 100 pound milestone. I was excited to be occasionally putting my needs before the needs of others, every single second of the day. It's felt good. I wasn't all stoked on giving that up right away.

For the first time in my life (even when I found out about Emily) I wasn't immediately thrilled. I had never felt that way before and it made me feel terrible. I cried and cried. I wasn't crying about having another baby, but about not feeling super excited from the second I found out. My poor husband was amazing. He was so supportive and listened to me rattle off all the reasons that this just wasn't the right time (there are some more complicated explanations forthcoming) and he just smiled and hugged me and looked me in my eyes and told me how happy he was and how much he loved me. He told me that I was the best Mama he has ever known and that this baby was going to be lucky to have me. And he gently reminded me that contrary to my assertion on certain days... I'm not actually controlling the universe. Oh yeah. I forgot that for a moment. I don't know what I would have done if he had reacted any other way. Reason # 239 to keep him around a little longer! ; )

I called our family therapist the next day and made an appointment with her that week. I talked with her about all of the things that were bothering me. I talked about my selfish thoughts(reasonably selfish, but selfish nonetheless). I talked about how I was worried that this wouldn't be good for me and Al's relationship. And the hardest thing of all, my GUILT. My sister's daughter just turned four and they have been trying to get pregnant since she turned one. I also have had several friends miscarry in the last 6 months. And one of them very recently, and she's not doing well. I just feel bad about how easy it is for me and Al to conceive together. My sister is going to have a really hard time with this news. I still haven't told her. I have tried to call her, but she has been busy and hasn't been returning my calls. I can't email her something like this. When our mutual friend got pregnant the first month they tried, my sister was so upset. She confided in me how unfair it was and how angry she was... and then our friend lost the baby, and of course my sister feels terribly guilty about her feelings... it just is a bit of a mess. I honestly would have talked with her before we started trying, if this had been a planned thing, and she knows that. It somehow feels a little more cruel that she will know that not only did it happen again for us, but that we weren't even trying.

meh- it kind of stinks.

The truth is that I am afraid of losing my sister for the next year or so because of this, and it makes me sad. And just for a little background, when she got pregnant with her daughter, we also got pregnant about 3 months later. My sister hardly talked to me for my entire pregnancy. I guess she thought we were trying to steal her thunder or something? I don't know, we never talked about it because I was just so happy to be on speaking terms with her again, but it did hurt me a lot, because of course that wasn't the point. We were just ready to start growing our family too. We actually had been casually trying for a few months when she got pregnant.

sigh... I wish that it didn't have to be so complicated. I wish that I knew that she would be happy for us, but the truth is, I don't think that she will be, and that does make me sad. What it boils down to though, which my therapist did her best to help me understand(I'm almost there... I am sure that once I actually am able to tell her my anxiety over the situation will lesson tremendously) is that whatever issues my sister might have to deal with really has nothing to do with me. She has her own issues and they are hers to deal with. I can't make her pregnant and I can't make her accept that she might not have another baby. I have absolutely no control over her situation. It is not mine to fix or solve. I have to let her deal with this news however she is going to deal with it. I can hope for the best, as I always do, and that is about the extent of what I can do. The same goes for my grieving friends. They will all have their own reactions, and hopefully when they have dealt with them, they will come to be happy for us and our new blessing. After all 9 months is a long time to come to acceptance!

On a much more positive note, I told my mother the other night and she was actually really happy for us! For most of you that might be a given, but she has never really been too happy before, so I was convinced she would be negative about it... but she wasn't! Yay! So there is always hope!

My oldest daughter cried, but now is doing pretty well with the information. I'm sure that with her starting high school and being a teenager the last thing she wants is more competition for time and attention, but she is great with her other siblings and I'm sure she will do well with it, after a little acceptance period of her own. It is still so early that we haven't done any explaining to the little ones yet. I have hardly told anyone yet actually, for fear of someone saying something and my sister hearing it from somewhere other than me. Also, of course, you are supposed to wait until after 12 weeks, but I feel like I might explode if I try and keep this in another month longer! Now that I am excited about it, I find myself saying things to random strangers I am talking with at the store or at the dentist's office. It is exciting news for most people and it has felt good to get to share without worrying about it somehow being hurtful! My MIL (for all of her faults, thinks I'm a good mom and adores our kids) was so excited she almost caused an accident while Al was driving, which was also a nice reaction... sort of! : )

My family doesn't read this, but now I am worried about posting it. Maybe I should make sure that she knows from my lips first just in case... well it felt good to purge it, but I really did want to share my exciting news with everyone here.

Well, if this has an addendum you will understand why now.
And for now, I wish you all happiness and peace. Good night!

***Addendum***
Ok, so I actually wrote this about a week ago now, and have tried calling my sister SO MANY TIMES!!!! I am getting frustrated with it because I want it off my chest, already!! She has not called me back, but left me notes on facebook saying she'll call soon... grrr. Anyway, I know she really has been super busy, her in laws have been here for the last month and they stay with her, much to her dismay, they make her crazy! They just left Friday, so now that they are gone, I'm sure I will be able to reach her soon! I have, in the last week, really decided that no matter what her reaction might be, it will be ok. I am doing my best to not worry quite so much about how other people might react to my news and just stopped and connected with myself and my new little person. It amazes me every time how much love you can feel for such a small thing that you have never met. But I already feel so much and know that regardless of what my own plans had been. This is what I am supposed to be doing right now. I do hope that I get ahold of my sister soon, and that she will be happy for us, but either way I am so excited about heading down this familiar path once again! : )

Today I am thankful that I have been blessed with the gift of being a vessel for another beautiful soul. I can't wait to meet you. I love you so much already!
I am thankful that I have such an amazing husband, and that he is such a great dad!
I am thankful that I am the healthiest I have been in the beginning of a pregnancy and hope that it helps me to have a healthy pregnancy!

The Mouse in my Pocket

2009-08-01T01:24:00.016-04:00

I have been wanting to do a post on the hiking that I have been doing for a few months now. I have a bit of insomnia tonight... so instead of laying in bed not sleeping, I decided to catch up on my blogging! (ok putting up pictures takes me a really long time because of the stupid space thing that happens... but I don't do html so I don't have other options... hence two days later finally getting this post up! hey, I'm trying!)

I have so many good ideas for blogs, so I reached into my brain bag and thought it should be about my hikes in the local park. When I walk up to the park near my house I lose myself in the solitude, yet connectedness of nature. So I thought that I would give you a view, as though you were a mouse in my pocket! : )

The main reason I started walking this park was for the exercise, but very soon I realized that one of the things that had been missing in my everyday life was connecting with nature. I have always had a strong connection to our earth. Being surrounded by nature has always made me feel more peaceful. While I am there to work up a sweat, I cannot describe to you how amazing and beautiful I think my surroundings are. I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE the city that I live in. It is, in my heart, my home, which is something that I have been searching for my whole life. I was an army brat... which for those of you who don't know, means that I moved every year or less for the majority of my childhood. It sucked. I hated it A LOT! Some people do fine with all that change, but I am a person who feels contentment with having a friendly and familiar environment. The way that I grew up makes my feeling of "home" here, that much more significant to me.

Anyway, every time I take my walks I see all this beautiful scenery and think to myself "I should bring my camera and take pictures of my view along the way." So, I finally did the other day. It turned out I didn't get quite as many good shots as I thought, at first, because I couldn't slow down enough to get a good one... but since I often do a few "laps" around my course, I put in a good hike and then did another round and took some pictures. Unfortunately, it has become the land of gray and rain around here lately, so the pictures are not as beautiful as I'd like... but if I wait for perfection you'll never get to see the post... so here we go! : )

I am about to put up a gillion pictures, so prepare yourself emotionally!

This was where I started taking pictures. I was already past the regal park entrance, and all the beautiful flowers, and the fountain... but that is a whole other post... : )

This hill leads down to some of the stairs I hit on my walk. And there are lots of stairs on this route!

Looking back up the same hill, we just jogged down.

One of the many waterfalls that help keep the water flow(from all the darn rain!) headed towards the right direction.

Some stairs heading up the hill towards the reservoir.

The path heading up. It is a little sad because I'm not sure how much of the raw beauty is coming through my cruddy pictures... I hope there is a least a glimmer.

ok, I know this one is dark, it was a gray day and it actually rained a little during my hike... but wait for it... it's worth it! ; )

almost there now...

ahhhh!

The sound of running water is so refreshing, when you are starting to get tired and ready to be done working hard. For me, it gives me enough of a push to head up towards some MORE stairs!! : )

Over the little wishing bridge... and yes, I make a wish every time! ; )... and up another set of stairs which I go up and then back down, and then past everything we just saw, towards a different turn off of the path.

Down another set of stairs(I don't know why I didn't take one of them, because they are cool looking...) and we hit another set of stairs ! : ) I like this one because it has two sides on the bottom section and I get to go down one and up the other. Hey, give the hot, tired girl a break something has to keep me going! : )

Just a pretty little nook. These little things, honestly, give me endless pleasure while I am out releasing my endorphins! : )

the bottom of another set of stairs, along the path that leads down to the pond. I couldn't take a downward shot because there were a bunch of kids down on the dock(?, would you call that a dock in a pond...) and I felt creepy taking random strangers' pictures!

So, one of the many reasons I would think about bringing along my camera was this weed. That's right!! This is the biggest, coolest weed I have ever seen! It is easily a foot taller than me, and the top is covered by tiny yellow flowers. I just think that is neat! : ) I know I AM easily amused, but at least I live my life with lots of laughter!; )

This is one of my most disappointing photos for me, because I couldn't capture the feeling that I get when I look at it. On the right, the green is actually thousands of wild flowers that you can't see very well, and to me it looks like the entrance way to a magical fairy kingdom. My kids love this area too... but we don't go that often because it is over 100 stairs up to the top.. and they don't love taking the stairs even half as much as I do... and I don't end up feeling very patient about it. It's hard to take over 30 minutes doing something you do by yourself in about 6! : )

Another portion of the stairs up from the entrance way.

Not all of the stairs are grouped together, some of them are grouped in 2's, others in 10, all with some amount of hill in between.

This is the path up from the last set of stairs, on that big 'ol hill.

Walking over the top of where I just came from... walking the path that follows the road around the reservoir.

This is looking straight ahead instead of down, and actually heading right back to where the pictures started... there is a lot of overlapping ground in my routine because there are several different ways up and down the hill... which is awesome because the more stairs and climbing the better! : )

Most of the time after I have finished my hike in the woody area, I will go up and walk around the reservoir, which is a 1 mile track. After the hike it feels really good to be on flat land and I can really fly around it in pretty good time. I have experimented and I walk almost 4 minutes faster a mile AFTER a hike. I guess I get really pumped with all the stairs and the flat feels SO much easier! : )

This is a picture of another set of stairs that I will add to the the reservoir walk if I am feeling spunky. It ends up being about 75% of the time, but sometimes I am just too tuckered out!

This set of stairs is what first got me started on my somewhat of a stair obsession! It leads up from the outer path/road, up to the track. I only hit the bottom 30 or so steps once...

but once I get to the Y in the steps, I go up one side and down another, as many times as I can in a row. It's 35 steps each side. The first time I did it, I went 3 times and felt like I might just die! Now I do 10! Although around 9 and 10 I will often grunt out loud because it really works my thighs, no cheating and using hands! I have been known to startle a few fellow walkers! : ) It is kind of embarrassing, because they don't know I've just done 9 laps... but it's ok.. I know, so I think it's kind of funny. Especially when people look scandalized... because I'm a jerk like that! : )

Ok, the reason for this shot is a cool view from above, but also a funny story.

The young women at the bottom(that you can hardly see) were there with their trainer, doing whatever they were doing... and they noticed me going around in circles. So the trainer sends up one of the young ladies to do what I am doing.

Well, even though I am getting stronger and more fit, I'm still overweight and fair-skinned and when I work out my face gets very red. This does not mean I'm not a bad ass... but lots of people make that false assumption. In fact, another reason I stopped just doing the track was the number of negative comments I got from other people there. The woody area is a much nicer place for me... but I digress..

So young chippy comes up and goes around once and goes back down. I keep going. I actually felt pretty uncomfortable because I could feel people watching me and usually don't have strangers just blatantly staring at me while I am grunting around the darn stairs, BUT, I can't let other people ruin my groove... so I kept going. Then after another couple laps, the trainer sends the girl up again. She went faster this time, but still did one lap and then went back down. Then the trainer sends both the girls up at the same time. The one that hadn't done it before, did more than one lap, but the first one did just one again. Although we were headed in different directions we both just happened to hit the Y at the same time, and as I was finished with my laps, we both end up going down together. I can't help it, I am competitive by nature... so I left her in the dust. As I was jogging by the trainer at the bottom, I heard him start talking to the girl saying how she should have been much faster than me... why was I up on my toes when she wasn't... blah, blah, blah... how's she gonna let some fat lady beat her down the stairs. Although it was a backhanded compliment with the whole fat lady comment... I took it as a HA! instead. It made me feel like I really am a bad ass, and just because I'm not young and thin doesn't mean that I am not a rock star. I'll reach my goals eventually and I am doing it the right way by becoming physically as strong as I have always been mentally.

I'm in a better place than I have been in a very long time, and I gotta tell ya, it feels SOOOO good!! Thanks for bearing with me on my self-indulgent journey around the park! I hope that you enjoyed the beauty, and I hope that it inspires you to go out and find a little nature of your own to rock out in!! : ) I know that I am rarely here right now, but with summer starting to come to an end, I feel like I have to be out and about as much and as often as I can be because all too soon the leaves will be falling and the snow and coldy-cold weather soon to follow that. I have to take advantage of this beautiful time of year while it is here! Most days I am lucky enough to go to the park with the kids in the morning and by myself after Al gets home from work. I probably spend 4-5 hours there on those days, about 4-5 days a week! : )

I hope that all of you are doing well, in your own little worlds! I am sending out light and love and happiness to you all!

Today I am thankful to have such an abundance of beauty all around me!

I am grateful that my hubby is so supportive of me being gone for 1 1/2-2 hours a day, when he doesn't work late!

I am grateful that the city I live in thinks that the park is as important as I do. I don't know what I would do without it!! :)

Home is where the heart is!

2009-07-20T00:20:00.007-04:00

Wow!
I had a great trip!

I don't think I could have a had a better time! I had time to myself, to think. I had time to exercise whenever I wanted to.. that was awesome! I saw my grandparents... what a gift... I wish I had had more time with them! I got to see some old friends. I got to spend time with just Emily, which is rare so very much enjoyed, since we were such a team for such a long time. I had two LONG travel days so it was SOOOO short! it was only 3 days without travel and that is not alot of time when you haven't been somewhere in 5 years!! I truly enojoyed this break from my everyday life! It put a few things into perspective which I may have been feeling a little skewed in my head lately.

This last week that I have been home I have been playing catch up.

My husband did an amazing job with the kids! In fact, I was hoping he would be happy to go back to work and get away, giving me all kinds of accolades on the difficult job I do everyday... but he wishes he could be a Mr. mom I think. I was very proud and touched by how well he did while I was away. The house condition was surface lovely and kind of crazy underneath the piles, but the most important thing was that the kids were happy.... and they were.

Go Dad!! : )

I found out a number of things about myself while I was away. I found out that if left to my own devices and no time restraints or babies underfoot, I will exercise like a crazy woman... just because I can! I woke up at 6 every morning and went for the most incredible walks in the desert. I saw all kinds of desert life and even saw a lizard caught by a bird of prey about 7 yards away. It was fascinating... a little scary.. and definitely awe-inspiring! I also got to go swimming every single day, often twice, because my mom has a pool. I didn't know how much exercise AND relaxation you could get from a pool! I found out that I really love being around my kids everyday(which I already knew... but that fact was reinforced!). At first it was very hard. I cried myself to sleep the first night because I missed my babies so much. I also realized that my day to day can be a little overwhelming at times, and I need to investigate ways to proactively change that. It took me a few days to miss my man. We are having a difficult period of growth right now that is a little painful. I have faith that at the other side is a better and more fullfilling relationship for both of us... but right this second, it is a little straining. We have an amazing amount of love for each other, but we have a few bad habits that we are working on. That being said, while I was away I did nothing but talk all kinds of nice on him, I think. I met up with a ex..whatever... and the truth is I was hoping for a little innocent flirtation... instead I ended up annoying him with talking about how great my hubby is... and truthfully feeling at the time... ok, Ruth, that's one more what-if crossed of my list! I love my husband more than I can explain, but at times I fanatsize about a slightly easier life. At this point this is the longest relationship I have every maintained... and sometimes I wonder if every choice I made has been the right one... but, I guess my truth is that I wouldn't want to be anywhere else... with anyone else... doing anything else. I love my life and my family and as flawed as we are.... we love each other. We want the best for each other and work as hard as we can to make our lives what we want them to be. I don't think you could ask for anything more than that! : )

ok maybe I could ask for the winning lottery numbers, but as far as the really important things... we've got our bases covered! : )

Sadly for me, there was a slight memory card snafoo, so I don't have any pictures of my vacation, until Emily comes home and brings them to me. But, what I do have are some shots that my hubby took for me, while I was missing my kids.

...and also a few shots from the garden. Involving the same memory card issue, I don't have a lot of new shots from the garden, but hopefully tomorrow I will be able to get some... I think I've fixed the problem at this point.(ok I am not adding the photos, but promise to be on soon to update on the beautiful garden that has been developing this season!!)

For now enjoy a few happy moments in the last 2 weeks! : )

Al had never uploaded a picture, so I showed him how right before I left. This is my idea of a test shot... charming woman really I am.... : )

The kids at the Science Center while I was away.

Al and the kids in the awesome hanging castle we got last christmas that my hubby finally hung up while I was away! : )

Sophia with a new outfit my grammie made for the bear my sister made for the girls.

Roscoe flirting with himself in the mirror. He is NOT supposed to be up on that basket.. but he can't see otherwise, so I look away! : ) That is his favortie hat of the moment! I love mirror shots!

Today I am grateful for the loving family I have and the fullfillment I receive from them everyday!
I am thankful that I got to have a little get-away to relax and remind myself what my important things are!
I am grateful that I got to see how strong I have become, even if I don't always have the time to show myself here at home!!

VACATION!!

2009-07-10T01:39:00.003-04:00

Wooo Hoo!
I am headed to AZ to see my grandparents, Mom, Step Dad and some old friends.... tomorrow!
My dear friends I have been doing so many exciting things.... just to name a few
Making Kim Chi
canning my first soup, a Turkey Vegetable Soup in my steam canner
discovering (and falling in love with) a brand new vegetable from the Farmer's Market, Kohlrabi and finding fun uses for them.
I have been taking pictures of everything... and the truth is I have no time right now for leisure activities.
Sadly, I am so busy doing fun stuff I don't have as much time to tell you about it. I am hoping to adjust and come back more often..... sorry.
I know that I keep coming here and saying sorry ...whoops it's been awhile...so at this point I am going to stop apologizing and just do what I can, when I can. I hope that you all know that I still read you and think of you too!
For now I have to go finish packing because I have to leave at 5:00AM.... yikes! It is about 2:00AM and I am still packing... so short and sweet. I will take lots of pictures and do my darndest to put them up!
I have had so many crazy emotions about this trip... that I would think about sharing.. and then I would be pooped and head to bed! ; )
I am leaving my babies for the very first time... as well as my hubby. The oldest is coming too and staying for over 3 weeks! She does this every summer and gets good and spoiled... hangs out by herself... has time to create and just be... and it is great for her. I am joining her this year because I haven't seen my grandparents in 5 years... and they are getting older and I just don't want to miss the opportunity to see them in person and not just hear about them through Facebook! I wish that we lived closer.. they mean so very much to me... so I am going to get to re-connect with them. I will also go out one night with a few freinds that I still have around there. It feels very strange to not have my family with me... other than Emily that is. Although it is also an opportunity to spend time with my oldest daughter, which will be nice because it was just she and I for a lot of years. We have a different kind of relationship because we were a team for the first 8 years of her life... we are very close and it is hard to spend a lot of quiet time with anyone(husband or any one child you have) when you have a family of five in a certain amount of space! : )
So I hope that you all are doing great. I have been doing well still with exercising... I have been adding jogging to my hiking/stair/speed walking park thing I try to do every day...
I have so much more to say to you... but I need a tiny bit of sleep to function with out being an awful bitch tomorrow during our 10 hour travel day!

Today I am grateful that my Mom got me a ticket to visit this summer!
I am thankful that I have a capable husband who will make it a little easier for me to leave my kids for the first time!
I am thankful that I still have old friends to see even though it has been 5 years and I am not the super best at correspondence (ahem... nothing like my blog at all... what are you talking about!) : )

Lately...

2009-06-23T01:00:00.007-04:00

Life is just a tumblin' along around here!

I come by almost everyday to read the blogs I follow... but today I just realized I hadn't put up a post in TWO WEEKS!!

WOW!! Sorry, that I have been so absent.

here's a list of a few of the cool things that have happening lately....

My oldest has finished school for the summer, and had a big promotion ceremony, where she ended up getting a scholarship that we didn't know her name was put in for! It was a scholarship given to one female and one male for having exemplary citizenship, caring, compassion, and general all around good kid qualities. Yay, Emily! I was very shocked, and of course proud, and emotional, and all that good stuff. I am often amazed that I have been blessed with a daughter who people take notice of, in a positive way. I know that I am a proud Mama, but so many people see that she is special. I don't know how it is that I got so lucky. I am very proud of her, and really can't say enough good stuff about her... with out sounding annoying or like I'm gloating... so I'll just say this.

I love ya, kid! Thanks for being such a cool kid!

The day that Emily was promoted to being a HIGH SCHOOL STUDENT.... sorry I just had to put my head between my knees and breath slow calming breaths. I'm so not ready to have a high schooler! .... anywho, we went to the local amusement park. They have a "ride" that puts you in a harness pulls you up VERY VERY high and then let's you go... like a pendulum. Emily has wanted to do it since she was a little kid, but it is kinda pricey and we just never got around to doing it. So we did it! Al, Emily, and I went without the little ones to the park, so that it could be all about her... and we flew. It was so incredibly scary... but soooo awesome! Talk about an adrenaline rush! I was literally shaking for almost half an hour. My hands were quaking and I had a perma grin plastered on my face for the rest of the night! We all ended up enjoying it greatly! I don't know when we will do it again, but it was the best 45 second $50 I've ever spent, for sure! : )

ok, I'm not being dramatic here.. I was really questioning what the heck I was thinking when I came up with this plan!

All of us rigged and ready to go, and getting excited!

This was right after we got off our flight! : ) Can you see the crazy glint in all our eyes?

It was, of course, Father's Day yesterday. I made my husband a special dinner and splurged myself and ate it with him.(I took pictures throughout making it.. but then forgot to take some before we ate it all! whoops!) I made him stuffed steaks, with red potatoes and garlic, and some mixed veggies. It was the first time that I ate extravagantly since Mother's Day... so I figured I was due! Plus, it made him so happy that I made dinner strictly for his tastes... because there hasn't been much butter in my cooking for the last 2 months or so! I also made him a(n awful) Coca-Cola Cake. That is a sign of love if nothing else because this thing has nothing good in it. It is butter, lots of sugar, cola, marshmallows, and cocoa. Good, but sinful! I can't eat it... I hate to admit that I LOVE it... but I was very proud that I didn't indulge. NOT worth it to me... but super hard to resist so I hope that it is gone soon! ; ) I have been doing very well on my quest for better health! I have been exercising almost daily... some days I just can't find the time. But on the days when I do go I often do way more than I "need" to for my daily goals... so it works out fine that I miss a day here and there. I have been tracking my food daily and have gotten my portion sizes under control. I have lost 64 pounds as of yesterday. I hate putting my numbers up... BUT I am now only 2 pounds from being under 200 pounds for the first time in over 5 years. I feel better than I have in years, and I'm not stopping anytime soon! : )

Yay, motivation!

I have been walking a lot... speed walking mostly. I have also been playing badminton.

I LOVE IT!!!

I had to stop playing for a few weeks because I got so into it that I hurt my hernia repair. I played for hours, several days in a row, and then noticed that the cap over my repair was filled with fluid. Since that hadn't happened for a few weeks at that point, I knew that I had pushed a little too hard. Today I played again for the first time in a I think two weeks... and I'm pretty sure that it will be ok now. I'll keep aware of whether or not it is feeling good

I have also added walking steps into my work out routine. I am lucky enough to live in a city that has AMAZING parks and trails and is HILLY... so there are steps EVERYWHERE!!! My all time best (so far.. but stay tuned) has been 3.5 miles and 774 steps in an hour and 20 minutes. I was so proud of myself that day! It felt so good! I had made a little bet with myself about how far I could go, going up and down every set of stairs I saw on this particular walk. I really surprised myself. It was fun! I worked my way up to that last walk/stairs session, so I am hoping to push it that much further the next time! : )

My kids are loving all the time we spend outside in the garden and at parks. We have been going and going... it can get a little tiring but I think that it is good for all of us to be outside and enjoying the weather while it is here! Soon it will get a little hot to play outside, at the times we are out right now... so I don't want to waste any opportunities to get out and be active! They have noticed a happier healthier Mama, and are loving it too!

The one hard thing that has been happening is that my hubby has been having a hard time adjusting to all the changes that have going on. He is not big on change and truth be told a little self-centered, so if it is not making his experience immediately better... he's not that into it. We are going to an amazing woman to talk through things, with a moderator there to help us when we run into a roadblock in our communication, and I am seeing some progress. But sadly it is much slower than the positive things going on with me personally... so it is a little disappointing that while I am feeling better than I have for a long time... he and I are struggling more than I would like. It is hard when you and your partner don't see eye to eye... and at this point... I'm not willing to change my course at this point. I need to be doing what I am doing right now for myself... for my family and for my relationship with my hubby. Me, becoming a healthier person is not something that I am willing to compromise on right now. It's hard for my hubby to not get offended that, whether he is happier or not... doesn't matter that much to me right now. He would rather I stay fat and depressed... as long as it means Shepard's Pie and a clean house... Me, not so much... I'm just not willing to do that anymore... so as you can see... we're working on things!

I think that there is definite hope for us... there is no lack of love between us... it's just finding the middle road, that we are both happy with, that is the struggle right now. I had a psychology teacher once who would always say...

"No one has everything. You can't excel in all things at all times. You just have to choose your priorities and do the best that you can."

Well for right now, I need to get an upgrade on my own health and happiness... and in my happier visions, my hubby and I are walking this road together. On my harder days, sadly, it is possible for me to see my life without the man that I love more than anything else. I know that right now I am doing what I have to do for myself. I am being as kind and considerate as I can be at any given moment... and the rest is out of my control. I can only control the way that I choose to act. My actions, and RE-actions are the only thing within my control... the rest is up to who ever else I am interacting with. I have had a huge release of responsibility (at least in my own head) lately for the happiness of others. I can only be responsible for my own joy... coming to that realization has been very freeing. I hope that this all turns out the way that I would like... but I guess that we'll just have to let time tell the tale!

Here's to that tale matching up with the (happy) one in my head!

Today I am grateful that my journey to a healthier me is going so swimmingly!
I am thankful that I have a great therapist! ; )
I am thankful that my family is doing well and that we are all feeling the positive effects of healthful food and exercise in our lives, in one way or another!
I'm grateful that I have been given glimpses of my inner strength recently that I might have forgotten about for a little while! : )

Green Hummus

2009-06-09T00:41:00.007-04:00

My decision to eat better for me food, was one that was not too difficult for me. I already ate like a stinky hippie! : ) But I have been trying to really push out all the highly processed foods completely now, which means having healthy food ready at all times. When I don't have healthy food ready and waiting, it is much harder to eat well, because good food takes much longer than the convenience options. That being said, I am no where near done working on this goal, but having a lot of exciting food choices has made it much more fun than I feared it might (not) be.
Because of this I have been making up a lot of new recipes in the last few weeks.
Tonight I made up a new one because I had a lot of fresh spinach to use. It is a very easy and pretty fast recipe too! Although it does taste better if made a day ahead of time. I am very lucky and have a farmer's market on the corner every Monday night. The produce is so fresh and local, some of it is organic, but I'll take local non-organic over the grocery store any day. When you eat food that is grown in your area, I swear you can feel the difference. There is more energy or something about it, that makes me very happy!
So with that I give you:

Green Hummus

I use my food processor to make this. I can tell you from experience that, yes, you can use a blender... but I can also tell you it is WAY easier(and smoother) with the processor. If you do use a blender than make it in batches, two or three, and then add them together at the end and process again.
I have another little secret for you, too. When you drain off the garbanzo beans, you can save the liquid and use it if the hummus needs to be thinned out at the end, but I didn't use any because the spinach has so much water that I didn't need it. I also rinse the beans under running water to remove some sodium content. If you use the liquid from the can you are adding more back in, of course, just as a reminder. : )

ingredients:

2- 15 oz cans Garbanzo Beans (yes I know I was just talking about processed stuff... but I will be honest it is much easier to make hummus with canned beans. I like dried beans in soups and salads, but for hummus I will usually choose canned. You can use soaked and cooked beans if you want, I'd say about 3 cups.)

3 cups (packed) fresh spinach leaves

*** ok here is where I say that all the following will have wiggle room to your own palate.. feel free to improvise as necessary! : ) But just so you know I measured this time just to try and get it the same next time, since I sometimes have a problem with that! ; )***

2-3 cloves garlic, minced
1/2 Cup onion, red or white
2 Tsp Cumin
1 Tsp Course Sea Salt
Freshly Cracked Pepper
3 Dashes Cayenne Pepper (I like heat so if you're nervous start off with 1, because you can always add, but not take away the heat!)
1 Tbsp Olive Oil
1/2 Cup Tahini
6 Tbsp Lemon Juice (this is usually the juice of one large lemon, but if you get a stingy one you can add bottled and it's ok)

1. Add one half of the garbanzo beans to your processor along with the garlic cloves, pulse until coarsely chopped.
2. Add the onion and the rest of the beans, pulse until coarsely chopped.
3. Add the fresh cilantro, salt, pepper, cumin, and dash(es) of cayenne pepper, pulse until worked through.
4. Add fresh spinach about 1 cup at a time, pulse until it has all been worked in.
5. Add the olive oil, tahini, and lemon juice.
6. Taste and adjust seasoning if necessary.

You can eat this right away, but it is usually even better the next day(or two or three) because the flavors marry more. We eat this with carrots, celery, assorted crackers, pita, pita chips, on wraps as a condiment(like with turkey, lettuce, red onions, & tomatoes, or thinly sliced cucumber, red onions, tomatoes and arugula... yum!), on sandwiches, and even just with spoons! The sky is the limit and the more creative the better. I find that my kids will eat more different things if they seem exciting or new. Honestly my kids will eat just about anything I make for them if I do it with a smile.. oh yeah, and cut it into bite size pieces... all sandwiches are in quarters! :) I am pretty lucky that my kids love to eat my cooking... but they are used to it and have always been good eaters.
I hope that you try this, and if you do let me know how it went! : )

Today I am grateful to have my food processor. It is an amazing little machine!
I am thankful that my kids love my cooking! I wish my hubby would get on board!! : )

** I just realized that I don't have a single picture. I need to do a quick alteration for Emily's promotion dress, but I will try to take a picture tomorrow and post it. have a good night! : )***

My Sanctuary

2009-06-03T14:21:00.004-04:00

My sanctuary is nature.

I have always felt very connected to the earth and its beauty. When I am stressed the best thing for me(and anyone in contact with me) is to go connect with nature. The smells, sights, sounds, textures, everything about it makes me feel an inner peace and calm that is difficult for me to explain. This time of year is my very favorite because you get to watch the word awaken and be reborn again. The garden that we have been working on is becoming a beautiful thing. The herbs are all looking plump. The tomatoes are growing, we have green cherry tomatoes already. The peppers are started to flower. The squash have gone from teeny little seedlings to big fat leaves going in every direction... and I am living in fear of the end of the season because I think we put to many to close together.... oops! : ) The bush beans have all sprouted and have a second or third set of leaves, and the soybeans have finally sprouted. This year I got a plant that I have never had before. It is a bush cucumber plant... very interesting! They are small 5-6 inchers. The sweat peas are taking a long time to get very far... but I keep encouraging them and hopefully they will take off soon.

We spend a good amount of time in our own backyard right now and I love it! The kids are filthy every night.. but I don't mind so much, besides Daddy gives them a bath! ; ) They are happy and sleepy at the end of the day because of our adventures! Sophia is picking up some color(although I am diligent about sunscreen being whiter than the average wall), so it seems like she'll have a bit more of her Dad's color than me... to which I say thank goodness! I think poor Roscoe might be out of luck... but he is a baby and I don't remember Sophia getting dark last year... so we'll have to see.

There's been a continuous stream of activity going on around here lately. Which has been an incredibly pleasurable thing for us all!

We LOVE the weather right now, and have been taking every possible opportunity to be outside in nature and PLAYING!!

The garden is starting to flourish.

The grass seeds that we replanted have finally started to come up.

I am simply bubbling over with gratitude and joy right now.

It is almost scary how completely full filled I have felt lately! It has been a lot of work but I can not tell you how pleased I am with deciding to truly live a healthier lifestyle. I still have grumpy days. Yesterday was one of them. I just woke up on the wrong side. I felt sensitive, hormonal, and grumpy. But I was aware of it and after my hubby got up told him, and that we should all go to the park. We did and I got to go exercise while he and the kids played, investigated all the beautiful flowers and then headed over to the amazing wooden playground that they adore! I went up to walk the reservoir and as I got started could honestly feel the stress and grump fall away from me. I did a fast mile and then started another, when I got to an area where there were stairs I went down and back up them four times without stopping... I wanted to do them five but my butt was on FIRE!! : ) So, I'll go for five next time!

I feel so incredibly lucky to be here where we live. I LOVE my city! As I was walking off the funk, getting really sweaty because it was humid as all get out, I looked across the water lightly rippling in the breeze, with a backdrop of beautiful trees in sweet-smelling, flowering bloom, against the baby blue sky casually strewn with white fluffy clouds... I took a deep breath and laughed at loud with pure happiness. Then I remembered where I was and looked around to see if anyone thought I was crazy! ;) I then picked my pace back up to the right level, but continued to be aware and grateful for the amazing surroundings that we have here.

I've been doing a lot of internal work lately, and I can't begin to describe how good it feels to uncover myself down there! I think that all the roles we have as mothers, wives, secretaries, accountants, cooks, cleaning woman, friend, lover... that we can lose touch with the true self, deep inside, but that is not good for anyone. To be strong and capable of full filling all the needs of the family you must take care of yourself, sometimes even first! ; ) I am finding that am becoming more capable of being completely present with the people I am with, because my core is much more at peace. The additional time for my own private thoughts has been an extra bonus that I hadn't thought about before hand!

I miss my bloggy buddies, but I just have to be out and about right now.. and by the end of the day I am WORN OUT!! I have been doing so much yard work, walking, playing badminton...man I LOVE to play badminton! I atually hurt myself, and can't play for a little while, and it's killing me!! But I play like I think I'm Venus or Serena or something! : ) I truly can't help myself... it's fun... Emily looks at me like I'm crazy (I have been playing with her) because I grunt when I serve or jump high, or lunge forward.... but I tell her to shut up because I'm old and kind of creaky right now... but at least she knows I'm really trying! :) ...but sadly all the said lunging and jumping and so forth has involved a little more extension than my belly was ready for. : ( I got really sore and kept playing, but then the cap over my hernia repair filled with fluid and I realized that I pushed a little too far. That hadn't happened for a few weeks now. So I will give it a week or so... maybe more... I'll have to see. I REALLY enjoyed playing so I am disappointed that I can't play right now... but I have to give my body a break. It's been two months, but it's only been eight weeks and they said 6 weeks to 6 MONTHS... so I have to back off a little. It will be ok, but I look forward to playing again. Emily said to me.."why don't you just not get so into it Mom" add necessary obnoxious teenage tone of voice. I just openly laughed at her and after a second she joined right in with me! Yeah right, I'll just wait a week or so! ; )

So I hope that everyone out there in blog land is enjoying the spring and looking toward the summer!

**oh and I just need to get my hubby to take a picture of my new tattoo and I will put it up. It's on my back so I can't just do it myself... : ) The only shot I have of it is from the second day...with a sunburn... yeah I know yikes! ...soon though!

Today I am grateful that I have a better outlook on life, without trying for now!

I am thankful that my husband and I have been achieving our shared goals together, that always feels good!

I am thankful for my garden and all the pleasure it gives me!

Where the heck I have been!

2009-05-15T21:04:00.009-04:00

I know that I have been a bit absent around here lately, but...

We have been working up a storm here at the old Fey household!

before we started the backyard over... again...

...after all the compost was worked in and sectioned off

We have our entire garden planted now, and we also have a bunch of new stuff in the front yard.

This is a closeup of the lilies of the valley that carpet the front. They were here when we got here... but were buried underneath years of neglect and decomposing leaves. Once we started cleaning up, we were amazed by these beautiful and incredibly fragrant wildflowers! They are now some of my favorites. My hubby doesn't like them because they are only in bloom for a few weeks and then they just kind of look like weeds... but I adore how our whole yard smells and looks for that glorious month.

So they stay!

It is an amazing thing what smell can do for you. Sometimes when arriving home tired, slightly frustrated from some family adventure, I will open the van door and suddenly feel better and realize that fabulous smell has already made me relax and feel the sense of home. That's a pretty sweet thing, as far as I'm concerned!

Not to mention how good I think it is for the kids to help and watch things to grow.

Playing in the dirt was always one of my favorite things to do as a kid, too!

My new initiative to get healthy for real is going very well!

I have been working on taking off this extra weight since Roscoe was born. It has been 18 months and with the hernia there was almost no exercise in the last 6 months before my surgery. I had a much harder time losing when my hernia started to get really bad, but maintained my weight. Although my food was not too bad... it wasn't enough. I needed to be able to move to get this thing going. So, once I was able to start really moving things started going pretty fast. I guess it was time to just get to it! Now that I am healthy enough to work hard... I'm hoping that this momentum keeps going!I have just this last week crossed a milestone and officially lost 50 pounds from the day after Roscoe was born. Wow! That's a whole lot of weight!

I really didn't realize how awful this hernia was, until now that it's gone and I don't feel horrible all the time!! HOORAY!! I can not tell you how easy it is to feel positive when you are not in constant pain! ...now don't let me fool you.. I have not been all dreamy cloud nine or anything... real life here ya know... but I am just now beginning to see how much this thing effected everything in my life, without me ever acknowledging it.

So, I have been walking everyday. I walk anywhere from 2-4 miles... depending on the day and circumstances. I walk to the park near my house(a little more than a mile) and then walk the mile track there. I have been speed walking... it feels really good to push my body and actually do it without horrible pain... cool! My muscles burn... and I am tired at the end of the day now... but that's a good thing. Of course less manic late night energy means that my blog time is pretty much cut down to nothing! But if that's what it takes then sadly for my blog... it is what I must do right know.

Also, I have mentioned the love/hate relationship I have with this HUGE tree in our back yard.. well this right here is a reason to hate it... this is EVERY SINGLE DAY!!

I kid you not... I have been putting in hours everyday raking and sweeping out all the little seedlings. It is also a reason to love the tree, a free and useful workout opportunity! It is good brain numbing physical work. It has a purpose and an achievable goal... which for whatever reason right now feels really good to me! Well, almost achievable... it is also a good lesson in laughter because as I am raking they are falling in buckets, in front of me and on my head...and it is definitely a laugh or cry moment... every time!!

I am thoroughly enjoying all this extra time that I have been outside and of course my kids love it too! I have also been taking them to the park every single day to play. They are feeling great and I want very much to instill a healthy love of the outdoors with them. I have always felt grounded when walking through or looking at nature... and I want my kids to feel the same way. I love to see them lose themselves in a field of dandelions gone to seed. Exploring the jungle gym at the new play area we've discovered. Watching ants carry food... being fascinated with a spider wrapping it's prey... the list is endless and watching them discover is one of my favorite things in the world.

So I hope that you can all forgive my definite loss of focus. For right now I am throwing myself whole heartedly into this new way of doing things. I am eating well, playing hard, working harder and enjoying the whole process. I am spending much less time on the computer and because of this I haven't had time to write nearly as much as I'd like to.

I've written a hundred posts in my head... so all I need to do is work on the technology that can take the idea from my head and put it straight up here for you guys and we'll be set! : )

I hope that you all are enjoying the nicer weather(and I hope that the nice weather has visited your area!). I wish all of you new beginnings and the freshness of spirit that the season requests!
OH YEAH, I almost forgot! I am getting my new tattoo on Monday! I am getting so excited! This is one that has been in my head for awhile now. I decided since this has come at my 50 pound loss I can label it my reward for hard work, and when I finally get the other 50 pounds off I will get myself another one! I think it is a nice goal for myself because it is something that I want and now I can work for it!
I hope that everyone has a spectacular weekend! : )

Today I am grateful for so many things it's hard to narrow it down!
I am thankful that we have had the ability (physicsally and financially) to put all this energy into our beautiful surroundings.
I am thankful that the kids and I have been able to go to the park everyday, and that we have such an amazing assortment to choose from here in the Burgh!

Happy Mother's Day!

2009-05-10T00:47:00.003-04:00

Happy Mother's Day to all of you Moms reading this.

I hope that you all feel as thankful and lucky as I do, to have the best job in the whole world!

I'm not gonna lie and say that everyday is awesome... because I live in the real world.... some days stink... but most days I wake up with a smile and go to bed with one too!

I am super lucky to get to stay home with my kids. I get to watch them grow and learn, explore and discover, experience and blossom every. single. day. I can't imagine a better way to spend the majority of my days.

I am blessed to have some spectacular kids who have given me the chance to find out some of the best (and worst) parts of myself, by making me what (in my opinion) I do better than anything else in this world... being a Mama.

Thank you guys for giving me the gift of Motherhood!

You are all amazing in such different special ways.

I never knew a deeper or more powerful love!

You all make me so proud!

and with that... my babies!

Today I am thankful that I have been able to deliver three beautiful spirits into this world, and in that discovered one of the best parts of myself.

I am grateful to have been able to have healthy, beautiful children who will make this world a better place, in their own special ways!

selfish blogger

2009-05-04T00:48:00.005-04:00

So I hate to break the news to you, but I recently have had to come to accept that I am a selfish blogger. I wish that I could come and write something everyday... but often I just can't find the time in my day to sit here and write.
I wish that I could because I think of things constantly so at any given time I have 10-15 thoughts rolling around in my noggin.... and so when I am able to come and write I often find myself just needing to purge and not write a pretty and thoughtful post... and they are always way too long too.
sorry- but I guess that this is way more about me than you the reader... although I really like that people read it... I guess that's why I'm selfish -eh?
I do read all the blogs that I am subscribed to, but often don't comment on them... although it would only take a few more minutes... why do I do that?
I don't know either... but I'll work on it ok?

so here's some of the junk in my head:
Spring- I love it so much. I wish that it wasn't quite as rainy, but of course that is what makes it so darn pretty.... and from there we go to how much I love being able to take the kids to the park to play, and getting them some glorious sunshine and exercise. plus they have been playing outside in the backyard so much lately.. getting filthy and having a great time...

our garden- the front yard got a lot more of the garden budget this year than last... which is awesome. It looks very pretty...and I will post some pics here soon... I'm working on putting them on flickr too...
we are also moving the placement of the back garden, which is a LOT of work, and not being done by me yet (still healing, and although it's going well...it's not that good yet!), so my poor hubby has to do all the hard labor... but I am the one who gets to plan out the whole thing.. what we'll grow and where everything will go. We have a bunch of plants ready to go into the ground as soon as we get the actual ground ready... it's getting there and the new position will really help with the whole big ol tree covering the whole darn yard thing.. that we dealt with last year. of course that means we have to move grass(that finally was getting a good hold this year) and a lot of the actual dirt because we put a lot of good stuff into it... not to mention taking out some of the stuff that we don't want in it.. at any rate.. there's a lot of work in progress right now...

my health- I have been doing a great job with adding more movement and exercise into my daily activities... and also tracking my food... I am losing weight already (mostly water for now.. but encouraging nonetheless) and hope very much to keep going in this positive direction.

my tattoo- I am really ready to get the darn thing... but had to go into my savings for it... so will have to save a little longer... I don't think that I could actually sit for hours just yet either... so it's ok... but man do I have the itch... it's killing me over here! : )
there's other stuff but that was what flew out for now... so I guess that' it.
Oh yeah!!
I also received two blog awards in the last few days too... but I feel like they should get a post of their own. Thank you ladies for the honors... and I will write that post soon... hopefully tomorrow... but for now I have a terrible headache so I think I need to get some sleep!

Today I am grateful that it is Spring, and all I have to do is look out the window to feel inspired and optimistic.

I am thankful that my hubby has tomorrow off so we can work on the garden... I can't wait to get dirty and get to watch life bursting up from the ground! good stuff!

A Quickie!

2009-04-24T01:18:00.005-04:00

I am feeling much better!
I went to the doctor and got drained... literally, with a comically large needle... well, not the actual needle just the plunger part... it was gross... BUT I feel tons better and now I shouldn't ever have to see my stinky doc again. I wanted to write a big long thing about it... and still might at some point, but right now it is too negative of a thought... and now that it is over (we hope)...
I am moving right along. quickly.

I have mentioned my plummeting body image with this whole situation and I have started actively doing something about it.
I have a plan.
It involves paying very close attention to what I am putting in my body(at least until I break a few bad habits, like eating late at night)... I had stopped being as diligent over the past year or so.... and I no longer have that excuse. I didn't realize that I was using it... until the reason was gone. I also didn't realize how much I had given up on myself in this last period of time. The fact is that even the simplest things would hurt me... so I just stopped movin and groovin...
well, I'm ready to dance, again!

I am using an online source, SparkPeople, to track my food and be realistic about my caloric intakeand calories burned. It has a lot of good resources and message boards for support and so forth. I am still nursing, but he is 18 months old and it is not his only nutrition. I am in the process of don't ask/don't refuse.... meh... we'll see how it goes...
anyway... I want to get outside again and go to the park now that it is getting nice here finally. I maintained my weight throughout the last year, even lost some, but my body got so soft(and aged a lot!) from the lack of exercise. I was so much healthier last spring/summer because we went to the park everyday...and I wore Roscoe and ran around with Sophia.
I'm ready to go and play again.

Of course I'm not ready for that yet physically... but I will be soon. I am doing super light weights and slow and easy stretches. I know my body well enough to know when to stop. I forced info from my fabulous doc and now know that I can push the fluid back inside and not hurt myself...
{short story, I have a cap where the hernia used to go, it fills with fluid when I over do it... but if I relax I can get the fluid back in, like I used to with the actual hernia...as long as I'm gentle and calm. This cap will take anywhere from 6 weeks to 6 months to heal... depending.. but at least now I know what it is and how to deal with it!}

I know that some of you are also stay at home moms... how do you find time to exercise? I want to be able to walk at first, to warm my body up (it's been fairly dormant!)...and work up to walking with some actual speed... and the only alone time I get is at 1 and 2 in the morning... not exactly a good time for walking the ghetto! : )
Any suggestions are welcome.. although I can say now that a gym is not financially possible (not to mention when I would go...).. I just need some good ideas of how to carve out some time for myself. It sounds good ( and is necessary), but I'm not sure how I can actually pull it off.

ok, just wanted to pop in and say hi! I'm here... I have a few different posts partially done.. a few recipes, and a project for my other blog. I'll get them up soon, but my Dad is coming to town this weekend so it might be a week or so still. Thanks for coming around when I can get here! : )

Today I am thankful that I have somehow flipped my positive switch back on....and it seems fairly stable in the happy position... ya! : )

I am grateful that my Dad will be here this weekend. His visits can sometimes stress me out.. but more in a good way than bad! I wish he could come more often!

My First(and third) Tattoo

2009-04-19T18:30:00.007-04:00

A bloggy friend of mine over at Tattoos and Teething Rings just recently had a post about tattoos... imagine that with the name of her blog right? : )... and seeing that I have been wanting to post some of mine and their stories, AND seeing that I am planning on getting one as soon as I can stand to sit the way I would need to, to get it... and I guess after my body has healed from its most recent trauma... not to mention I have been cloistered to protect an unfortunate tweak in the belly the other night.... well, I guess now is as good a time as any, to tell the story.

I got my first tattoo was when I was just a kid really, 16. I think that we were supposed to be in school... but we were hanging out at a friends trailer.(Have I mentioned that I was pretty naughty? I hope my daughter doesn't try even half the crap, I managed to pull off.) This friend happened to be a boy who had just made himself a tattoo gun. It was like a jail gun, I would guess. It was made with the plastic outside of a Bic pen, a guitar string, and a motor that was attached with electrical tape. Just thinking about that day makes me smile. Those were the days(sort of)... no responsibilities to speak of, convinced of my own greatness or at least the ability to see through all the bullshit that everyone else filled their lives with... and shunning most of it, dramatically, but of course. At the time, I thought I knew EVERYTHING. Now, of course, I can easily see how I knew nothing at all... and I can't believe my mom was able to deal with my cynical, smart ass self.... although, I guess the truth is, she didn't deal with me well at all... but maybe now I can see why it is that she didn't.

It's not that I didn't know anything... actually most of the things I thought back then, I still have as some sort of base of my beliefs today.... it's just the arrogance of the age. I see it now in my own daughter... and sometimes catch myself smiling in spite of myself, when I am supposed to be reacting... quite shocked, or dismayed...or angry.... but really what I'm thinking is how much she sounds like me at that age and hoping that she makes it through this period with a little less drama than I did. She is my daughter, so it doesn't bode well for her. Although having someone around to openly mock your self important indignation might make all the difference... I guess we'll have to wait and see on that one. ; )

But I digress. Back to the tat.
Pat(the young man with the gun) had been using himself as a drawing board and was itching to get to some fresh meat. Most of the people that I hung out with were guys. Less drama (ha ha, not really just different kinds) and I think that most of them had gotten at least a small one already.... soooo

Pat: Hey Ruth, want to get a tattoo?
Me: sure
Pat - BIG SMILE(so cute...honestly still probably one of the coolest guys I know!): really?!?
Me: ok
Pat: well what do you want?
Me: I don't know... how about a lizard... here on my chest. I wore a lot of v neck t-shirts... it seemed logical.... and easy. That was the extent of my thought processing at the time.

Forgive the quality of the following picture this was from pre-digital days... remember this days?

...no 300 shots til you got it right.. just one and you hoped for the best, back then! : )

I lived to regret that tat for years. It was just so choppy(not his fault,he actually went over it a few times trying to make it look a little better, just the equipment, ya know?) and it wasn't in a great place for my body... just where it had been convenient to pull down my shirt a little and not get nakey in front of all the guys. Well, not regret... I guess... I didn't spend all my time fretting over it... honestly, I didn't think about it too much at all, but I didn't show it off either. I was not really confident in my own skin, so I didn't show much of it... and most people didn't see it often, including myself.
Fast Forward about 5 years. During that time I have graduated from high school, moved out on my own, gone to/graduated from beauty school, had a complete nervous breakdown, run away, come back pregnant, and settled down into the life of a young single working mom.

After Emily was born and my savings were gone(about 3 months) I got a job at a daycare. It was a YMCA in downtown. It just so happened that this daycare employed several people from my previous life. I didn't know it when I started there... but once I was there, I was re-introduced to my old lifestyle (strong local music scene) and a number of old acquaintances, who became great friends. I slowly got in contact with folks that hadn't been intimately involved in my freak out... and so weren't angry with me... just curious what had happened. Through all of this, I ended up reconnecting with my old friend, Pat. Only now Pat was working at a real shop, with good equipment... and long story short (sort of right?)... he offered to fix my tattoo for free. Which was amazing because he later told me that if he had been charging it would have been about $300, which at that time (heck still now, but much more so then) was an incredible amount of money!

What I ended up with was the most beautiful tattoo that I could imagine. This shot shows how happy I was at the end... not only because it was pretty, but because I was glad it was done... it took over three hours and I was ready for it to be finished by that time! : ) He redefined the old lizard, and added on another bigger and nicer one... added color to the old one and a lot of distracting and pretty lines, curves, and bubbles. I let him have complete artistic license and he did an amazing job! Pat still tattoos for a living and now owns his own shop, Burly Fish Tattoo, and from what I gather is doing VERY well. He has gone all over Europe through tattoo conventions and has great adventures doing the thing that he loves. How cool is that right? I haven't actually seen Pat since we both attended a mutual friend's wedding in Vegas back in 2001/2?(I can't believe I don't remember! Bad Mama... it's the children... they have filled my brain with so many other important things...like when they last pooped and whether the texture was right... eek!) But I am sure that if were to run into each other it would be a very pleasant reunion. : )

So, that is the story of my first and third tattoo. Kind of fun remembering the details. When you have tattoos you end up not thinking about them that much... because you see them every day. They just end up fading into the background. Well, at least for me anyway.
Hope you enjoyed that little jaunt down my memory lane. I will do another post on the others soon... or hopefully before the post about the newest edition! : )

Today I am grateful that I have met so many fascinating and talented people on this journey of mine.

I am thankful that my ink still looks good after all these years. I still get compliments on that piece! THANKS, Pat!! : )

riding the belly roller coaster

2009-04-19T06:15:00.003-04:00

Welcome to my crazy. I am on a roller coaster ride of ups and downs with this stinking belly of mine. Wanna ride with me for a few minutes?

the last time I came on I was feeling SOOO much better. It was a great day, and I felt like I was back...really back... I even foolishly told my husband...yes, the Mama is back!

Sadly that same night, I fell asleep after reading to Sophia on the floor next to her bed and at some point in sleep twisted my legs around in a normal for me way... but when my hubby fetched me... at 2:30 in the morning(he fell asleep putting the boy child down!)... I was hurting again. I felt better than my insides were quite yet, I guess.
So, I have been trying to take it easier again, but I am feeling pretty down on myself. I know that this whole process wouldn't have been half as bad without all this extra weight I am carrying around.

I realized last night that I have been in denial about it for the last year and now it has really hit me... like a ton of bricks. no pun intended...

The only thing that I can do is accept that this is where I am right now, and move on from here... but I am finding it hard to do so. The thing is that I eat pretty well most of the time... I just haven't gotten enough exercise... for over year! Every time that I would do anything I ended up having to put my hernia back in (seriously it was up to 20 or more times a day towards the end) and if I ignored it and overdid it, I would have trouble getting it to stay in for days. So this darn thing has put me into a lazy pattern... and I am afraid that it is going to be hard to change.

I have always had issues with my weight. The only time that I have been really happy with it, (I was still overweight according to charts, but as far as I thought I looked really good... and more importantly felt good too!) I was walking 4-5 miles every single day. I would get off the bus in a different neighborhood than I lived and walk (at a pretty good pace), with Emily, through the woods to my house, plus working as a daycare teacher during the day and a waitress at night(you know how hard you work running for people!)... plus going to school nights and days in between everything else... the point is that I have to REALLY work HARD at not being a fattie.
I am in a place right now where I am ready and inspired to get moving... but I can't even pick my kids toys up off the floor without a good amount of discomfort...

which brings up a much lighter topic of my amazing Mama TOES. I have the ability to pick up the most amazing amount of stuff with my toes... can you all do that? Does it just happen when you become a Mama? Sophia always tries to do it.. but can't yet because her feet are so tiny.. but right now the only way for me to clean up the inordinate amount of mess that my kids make is to use my super mama toes to pick stuff up... hee hee it's kind of funny to watch I think! : )

anyhow...
my goodness, the ups and downs of this thing has had way more ramifications than I ever realized it would. I just wasn't prepared for it to rock my sense of self like it has.
I had to stop doing pretty much everything again for the last few days because whatever the heck I did to my belly that night twisting my legs has really mucked things up, again.
sigh.

I also have a bit of worry about this possible hematoma(sp?) too. When I first discovered it and spoke to my doctor (not the surgeon) and then the surgeon's nurse, I had felt relieved that it was probably "normal". Since that day I have been able to investigate a little more... part of the problem with this thing is that it had been so sore that I haven't really felt around much.. it was just too painful... but as things settle into where they will stay(maybe) I have been able to touch the belly more. Well, this thing has not even come close to going down in size but is now a good 2 1/2 or 3 inches long now. It isn't a rubber bouncy ball size, but more like a long protrusion, incredibly similar to what my hernia felt like, but harder. It doesn't hurt like it did when I had to go to the ER, but it is almost as big...not quite... but a good few inches. Yet another reason to feel awesome about my weight... if I didn't have so much belly yuck, it would be a heck of a lot easier to "see" what was going on...
man, my frustration level is so high...

yesterday I went from feeling amazing { I took my first bath because from the outside things are looking pretty healed up now, and I could soak like I've been wanting to do. It was a great bath, we all know how I LOVE me some bath time! I toned, did some amazing visualization, and FINALLY got off some particularly stubborn tape yuck that was in an area that had been way too sore to scrub, but after soaking it came off...} to feeling frustrated with not really knowing what this thing in my belly is...and frustrated with my backwards movement as far as comfort and activity level goes.

I'm sick of this ride at this point. I want to get off now. My family(especially my hubby) is ready for me to be back... not only to get to work (let's just admit cleaning is no fun for anyone and he's ready to go back to his usual responsibilities as far as home care.... pretty much nothing) but also for me to be light and joyous...laughing instead of crying.... and enjoying taking care of the kids and not just biting my lip to get to bedtime.

I thrive on the joy I usually feel from taking care of others, but right now I don't care and I don't want to do anything. I know that it hasn't been that long yet... but it doesn't help that the bruises are all but gone and incisions are looking (from the outside) healed up... but the insides feel awful still. I feel like my family thinks that I am being a baby and that I am exaggerating the pain that I am feeling. It could just be paranoia, my head IS all over the place.. but it feels real to me.
I'm sick of feeling this way myself, I can't imagine it is any easier for my loved ones to deal with when they don't feel or even see what the heck I'm complaining about. I'm sick of my crappy attitude about everything... and I just can't seem to shake this funk.
I know what I need to do... I just can't seem to do it.

On a completely non-pathetic, whiny note... yesterday while I was sequestered in my room, while the kids and Dad worked in the yard, getting ready for spring planting (probably another reason I'm sour... I can't do any prep work for my garden...something that brings me unbelievable amounts of stress relief, joy, and grounding....) I wrote a fun post about getting my first tattoo. I will be posting it as soon as my eldest kid let's me borrow her flash drive(I wrote it on the laptop in bed). It is a fun story and did it's job of distracting me from myself yesterday.

So, I guess that's the end of my pity party post today.... I promise that soon I will be fun again... I am fun right? ...most of the time? I will stop being so incredibly self-absorbed, complainy(is that a real word?), and boring... soon... I promise
hopefully much sooner than later.
and no one looks forward to that more than me!
until then:

Today I am grateful that I have super Mama toes, so that I can go clean up after my slovenly children.
I am thankful, that no matter how it feels right this second... this WILL NOT last forever... say it with me... everything is temporary... everything is temporary...
I am thankful that it looks to be a beautiful day outside and all my tulips are in bloom, as of today! : )

A brand new day!

2009-04-16T09:30:00.003-04:00

So an amazing thing happened last night, after the whirlwind in my manic 2 in the morning head finally made it out onto the screen...
RELEASE!!
I woke up this morning feeling SO. MUCH.BETTER!!!
I can't even tell you how much better I feel.
Maybe it is because, physically I feel better than I yet have.
Most certainly it feels good to know that my bump is something pretty common, and not that something went wrong.
Maybe it's because I finally actually like my haircut(thank goodness or I was going to be a cue ball!)
Maybe it is because everyone else is out of my house(except for the little ones) and today is the first day that I get to get things started back to "normal" around here.
Maybe it is because I went grocery shopping yesterday by myself and although it was uncomfortable.. it was totally do-able.
Maybe it is the 247 smiles and hugs I have gotten from the sweetest cutest little boy I know(I know I'm biased)... he's missed his mama!!
A few fun and positive things that I neglected to mention in my vomit post yesterday.
The hospital that I stayed was awesome.
The nurses were competent AND kind. I felt very well cared for there.
I made my husband and my eldest awards about a week in(actually the same day that me & the hubby fought- before we fought..but he hadn't noticed yet...) thanking them for doing such a great job taking on extra responsibility... and they are pretty darn cute! and well appreciated(once noticed : P )
We had a great time dying eggs this year, while we attained a few new stains on our beat up coffee table(the stuff soaked through 5 layers of newspaper...) and on the hands of the little ones for days... but we laughed a lot... and that of course is the best medicine!
My post last night was necessary.. I had a lot of frustration built up over a two week period.. but releasing last night helped me feel like I turned a corner in this thing.
I LOVE MY BLOG!!!
I am feeling stronger and looking forward to getting stronger and stronger as the days pass.
I did a lot of visualizing while stuck in bed. I toned and visualized beautiful white light emanating from all the incisions until the room was filled with twisting beautiful rays of healing energy. I think it helped A LOT!! It probably didn't hurt that I was off my rocker on pain meds.. because if I could have taken a picture of what I could see it was amazing and one of the most beautiful visualizations I have done in a good amount of time.
The time that I spent alone(which was a lot) to try and rest and heal was a good time to think about where I am and where I want to be.
I have some new ideas of how to proactively better my life, and therefor the lives of my family... and all of these are great things!
I read 4 books. I honestly haven't read that many books in the last year... I usually don't feel like I have the time.. but one of the many lessons I am taking from this experience is that I need to carve out a little more time for myself. it will surely benefit everyone.
A happier mama will trickle down to a happier family.
I am looking into getting into a yoga class for myself. I won't be able to do it for a little while, but as of yesterday I am doing a short mellow(oh so mellow) practice every morning and every night. if I can keep this up..I KNOW that I will be more content on so many levels. I have already asked the MIL is she could come over once a week and hang with the munchkins so I can have a few hours to go to a class. All I had to do was ask...I should do it more often! (another lesson learned through this process... no one is an island. not even a control freak Mama!!) : )
Things are looking up for sure!
so thanks for letting me vent... and here's hoping that this optimism sticks around!

If I had been blogging over the last two weeks you would have been able to chart how up and down I have been.. but today is the first day I woke up feeling like... ok, here we go..let's make it a great day. that is much more my normal mental state... and I've missed it!
I'm ready for it to be easier to maintain... and if this morning is any indication... WooHoo!
ok .
make it a great day everyone!

Today I am thankful that I feel more content today.
I am thankful for my body's ability to heal(albeit slower than I'd like..it's still working pretty darn hard for me!!)
I am grateful that I feel such a sense of release from letting out all the hard things I didn't want to be feeling.... yay for letting go!

2 weeks ago

2009-04-15T22:02:00.004-04:00

2 weeks ago I went in for surgery.

I haven't been on since then, and I find myself overwhelmed with where to start.
This thing has rocked my world and sent it spinning and I don't like where it's ended up so far. I think that my head has far too many thoughts to write a cognizant post. I guess that it will have to be a bit of a random vomit session.

You have been warned.
***EDITED - ok after reading this wow... truly prepare yourself emotionally for a long winded post! I shouldn't have been gone so long!!***

This entire process has taken me into a whole new place, and quite frankly I have been really struggling with the repercussions.
It has put me in my head(with days and days of medicated fog), it has racked me with the most intense pain I have ever known(and I had my last two babies completely naturally). I like to think of myself as someone who can handle physical discomfort in general. I know lots of people say this and are wrong, but I think that I have a pretty high pain thresh hold. I have had an abdominal surgery before... and although it was 10 years ago, I was back to work in a week.
I'm still in pain... I was reminded today that it has only been two weeks.... take it easy.

well, it turns out that I don't take it easy well... I am a BAD patient. I don't like not being able to do things for myself. This is not the first time that I have had to sit back and watch my family struggle to keep things going (pregnancy issues)... we are a pretty well oiled machine as far as the daily chore type things... we all have our roles, and jobs that help to keep the family running smoothly.... small kids, means schedules make our lives functional.... well I do my share of things around here as does everyone else. Our lives are full... so me being out of the picture puts a little more onto everyone else in the house. That is hard for me to watch.
I have control issues, I guess. My house is my realm... I know where everything is... I am for sure the organizer of the house... so you can imagine how fun I was for the other folks in my house. I was so happy today when I could fix the pantry because people had stuff all over the place... clutter like that kills me... you couldn't tell by the rest of my house, but I am totally "sleeping with the enemy" about my cupboards(did I just date myself there?)
I tried to be nice to people but I'm sure I was a stinky wench on at least a few occasions. I took crazy amounts of pain killers for FIVE days.. I had thought it would be 3... I slowed down considerably but had to take a few for the next couple of days. I am still nursing my son... so I had to have a complicated medicine"plan" and skip a few at night so he could nurse... and the first few days by the time he was done nursing in the morning, I would be shivering from the pain ... truth be told I was hoping he might not be that interested in still nursing.. but he has come back with a furry. It's ok... just another layer onto my crazy sandwich right now. Hormones can suck. The up and downs of weaning are fun, fun stuff!

The first time I stood up in the hospital to try and pee... I fell to the ground. It felt like my whole front side was going to fall off. I have 11 entry spots... like a clock around my belly button.
my personal self satisfaction with the way that I look couldn't be more difficult right now.
I can't look in the mirror.
I have never felt this way about my body, and it is awful. I guess the truth is that I have been struggling for awhile, but this threw me way out of whack. I have been steadily trying to eat healthy...and have lost about 20 pounds(pre-pregnancy) since my son was born, but my hernia made things really hard... I am trying to use this time to really get my abs back under control... I am way out of shape..and I hate it. I just today did some very mellow stetches.. it felt really good. I am so focused on my abdominals right now (whether I want to be or not) that I figure I can just do isometric exercises all the time. while I lay and read I try and hold in from deep inside... it's something I coouldn't do for the last year and 4 months... any kind of stretching or exercising made my darn hernia pop..so my muscles are SOO weak! baby steps, right?

who knew that laying on my side was so important to me... your core is so instrumental in everything that you do.

I have only been able to stand/walk or lay down flat on my back because sitting is (still) fairly uncomfortable. I do have a yoga ball and that is what I sit at my desk with anyway...so that helps..it is much more gentle than chair.

My husband has been amazing throughout this time. He had one major meltdown... and it had been a week... and I'm sure I would have melted down at some point too. He works hard and then he had to take on my share...which is not so teensy... it's a lot all along with doing ALL the childcare(not used to it) and being "stuck" in the house all day(not very agreeable with that either), plus taking care of me(he tried but it takes a lot to take care of the kids..and they missed their Mama!). His meltdown came from me saying that instead of complaining about how much he was doing, he could say, wow, honey you do a lot around here for us when you're not broken, thank you... but I was a little self absorbed at the time... and truth betold it did sound a little ungrateful, but I still think it could've been nicer said in my way...

My doctor made a fat joke about me the day he came in to let me go home from the hospital.
me: I had just taken my first shower without my binding on..and it hurt and scared me for going home and not having rails to help me, or as much pain relief, and stuff like that.... well you know how in the hospital people knock, but then they just come in... well my surgeon did that ....when my nurse had just helped me put my binding back on and I was using the bed handles to pull myself up to a sitting position...
DR: hyuck hyuck hyuck, how ya doing there, as you pull that big thing up there... hyuck hyuck hyuck
ME: stony silence, thinking, really? did you just say that to me? ...as tears of anger, frustration, and humiliation start to run down my cheeks... I am an incredibly sensitive and emotional person... when I am in control of my stuff..... most people don't see it as much... but when in physical pain, and a drugged, foggy brain (have I ranted on how much I dislike those darn things? but wow, they do work and thank god for them...seriously), well the floodgates opened. albeit silent and bitter..tears nontheless... bastard
DR: so it was harder then you thought it would be huh?
ME: well yeah, I thought I'd be able to go home... and I didn't realize I would have so many holes in me
DR: hyuck hyuck hyuck ....patting my hand condescendingly... everyone says that. ok so I'm writing you a prescription for Vicoden, I'll see you on the 13th.
he walks out the door.
ME: flabbergasted... angry... hurting... scared...

I called my doctor's office on friday morning as soon as they opened ( I had fretted all day thursday about whether or not to call) because I had a few questions about my hernia and a few of my incisions. I get a return call from the receptionist 5 minutes before closing... oh the doctor's on vacation today(oh did you forget that when I talked to you this morning?) and the nurse is off today too(oh you neglected to mention that as well >:/). You DO realize you have an appointment on Tuesday(are you serious...I have to wait for 5 days for someone to answer a question that I feel is really important?)
yes, I know I have an appointment TUESDAY, you know what, never mind. thanks. bye. (this is where I screwed up. I should have been a bitch and said I needed to talk to someone right then.. then I wouldn't have worried for FIVE days. I didn't want to call the doctor on call at my doctor's office, because it was Good Friday, and it took me awhile to stop being really angry and able to think of solutions, Al was working his first long day and I was trying, but having a hard time keeping up with what I needed to be doing. If the stinking receptionist had told me in the morning that the doctor was out(and I had known this too, but forgot...I was doped up for days, I tell you...confused...sleepy) I would have been able to problem solve and call my doctor... I get weird about calling, because my sister is a doctor and I know it is hard on them... and I don't have insurance so I feel worse then if an insurance company paid them..anyway....
I wait til Tuesday and the doctor's appointment is cancelled because of an emergency surgery... which I get, but I already waited 5 days. Why couldn't a nurse called me Monday... why was that too much to ask?
So I ended up seeing a very nice doctor today, I have a rubber bouncy ball sized bump below where my hernia was repaired... it felt to me like a piece that I used to put back in before... I had been so swollen and dopey that I didn't notice it until last Thursday...and it felt like it was getting bigger(or maybe my swelling was gong down?) the thought that he had missed something or messed something up, threw me into a panic. the thought of going back under right now makes me want to cry.... and for 5 days I thought that because my doctor and his whole staff, was too busy to call me back. butt heads.
It turns out it is probably just a hematoma(?)(a bubble of blood/fluid) from the suture site which will most likely get re-absorbed into my body(Mmm). I'll find out when I go back in next Tuesday, if he doesn't get called into surgery, that is.
The thought of literally sticking needles into my eyes, sounds more appealing to me than going to see my doctor. rock on.

I am an ungrateful wench.... my uncle went into surgery a few days after me... he was not as lucky as I and went back again today... we are praying he will pull through.. its up and down for him.
I am fine. and ungrateful. rock on.

I really am feeling much, much better after talking with my doctor today. I am writing a letter to the hospital. It will be very polite but realistic about my frustrations with my doctor. They are real and valid.
I am so very thankful that soon, I will be feeling much better...everyday since Saturday has been a little bit more like me again...
oh and did I mention that I freaked out and cut off all of my hair? 5 days ago? and have cut it everyday since?
oh yeah... CARAZY!!
that's me.. my daughter threatened to take the scissors.. I told her don't bother there is nothing left! : ) it's just hair.. but I am still sad. I just wanted to trim it, but it just didn't look good any of the ways I cut it... it is literally a few inches all over now...I probably cut 8 inches in the back ... CARAZY!!
I think I was hormonal... and also my lovely eldest told me my hair made me look like a senior citizen before I cut it...
was that a compliment? really?
thanks kid...I'm in my frickin thirties for the love of Pete! thanks kid. way to boost my moral! <:/
anyway my belly is killing me at this point and I am drained. so sorry to have this be so convoluted... I have had a lot on my mind. oh and we dyed eggs and had a lovely day on Easter. mellow but lovely. I've missed being here. I promise the next post will make more sense! : ) good night!

Today I am thankful that the worst is over and only better time are coming!
Today I am thankful for the amazing, kind,and gentle nurses that I came in contact with during my stay in the hospital.
{by the way, I've been thinking of making cookies for the nurses station where I stayed... weird or nice? what do you think? and how many would I need..it seems like a lot! any ideas?)
I am grateful for my family for putting up with my cranky medicated BIG BUTT!!

a quickie

2009-04-03T09:03:00.003-04:00

WARNING: everything here has been written by a girl on numerous painkillers.

Hi all!
I made it through the surgery!
I ended up getting ELEVEN holes in my body, staying overnight at the hospital(which was not expected... but neither were 11 holes!!)
I am home and on a good amount of pain medicine.
I am doing alright. but it is a bit of a struggle...
my next post will be one about humility and how I think that is one lesson that I need to learn from this experience.
one of the hardest things ion the world for me is to have to depend on other people to take care OF me...I'm a much better caretaker than a care receiver... it makes me feel guilty and is very uncomfortable for me...
all of this being said...
I am healthy(enough) and headed to bed.
Just wanted to thank you all for your thoughts and prayers and let you know that I am among the living... the drug induced and overwhelmed perhaps but here and kicking nontheless.

Today I am grateful to have a family who will take care of me.
I am thankful that my surgery was successful.
I am thankful that in a month this will all be a memory and I will be feeling MUCH better!

blog post attempt # 347

2009-03-27T21:17:00.002-04:00

ok, maybe I haven't tried to do 346 previous blog posts... but it feels like it.
things have been decidedly hectic at the Fey household this week!
again..
yes, I know you are probably getting bored with posts about how my life overwhelms me... but imagine being the overwhelmed one all the time!! : P

list of top however many things spinning through my brain at a torrential rate...

I am getting my surgery in just a few days.
This makes me simultaneously happy and scared.
I know logically that I will be fine.
Nothing will go wrong and I will be going home a few short hours from the time that they put me under....
BUT... I have only been put under two other times in my life, first during a routine removal of my wisdom teeth, where I woke up in the middle, with the first sound being one of my teeth being shattered.. hence throwing me into a panic(from the confusion of waking up that way) and having to be gassed... waking up with bruises all over my arms, apparently from trying to pull out the tubes when I was originally waking in the middle of surgery... and confusing memories of the whole thing.. not exactly the most pleasant experience of my life. Of course the other time went just fine. I had to have an emergency appendectomy. Unfortunately, when I woke up the next day I puked and puked.. still not sure if it was from the anesthesia or what... either way the whole thing leaves me a little uneasy.

ok that's one of the things taking turns on my inner merry-go-round.
another is that my boy has been acting wacky for about a week and a half. Is it that he is picking up on my own anxiety? Does he know something that I don't know? Is he teething like a crazy man? Is he going through his own completely unrelated issues, tripping out because he is getting so much more independent that it scares him at times?
no clue... but I do know that I am having a harder time being patient with him, since it is going on over a week of him being velcro boy, who cries every time I put him down... do you remember that sharpie commercial (I think) where the baby cries the second his toe touches the floor, but is fine when he is being held by his mom? Well, that is my boy..and his almost 30 pound butt is hard to carry around right now.. because of this darn hernia...

another thing going on is that my amazing daughter, Emily, has decided that now would be an interesting time to have a few completely age appropriate, yet no less frustrating, teenage growing pains of her own right now... for those of you with little ones... it doesn't get any easier when they need to test their boundaries when they get older...trust me!

and a deep dark secret from a part of my head where I don't go often, has been thrown in every once in awhile, too... if something were to go horribly wrong... my babies wouldn't even remember me, Emily would but the babies are too little to have much more than people tell them later. I know that nothing tragic is going to happen. It is much more likely that if something went wrong, I would poo in a bag for the rest of my life(oh yeah, that's another unpleasant thought making a cameo in my head...because let's face it... that would suck!), and not that I wouldn't make it through... it is a very standard non-complicated procedure... but honestly, I haven't even had my last two babies in a hospital(I had them both in the same bed, with amazing midwives, and the same nurse at a free standing birth center... I'll tell you about it sometime... they are both good stories! : ) I know that even giving these thoughts a second glance gives them more energy, but it's hard to keep them from making an appearance every once in awhile anyway...

Well, there's a glimpse into my crazy right now.. I really am ok.. and I KNOW that everything will be fine. I just have to try and slow down the race going around in my head.
Oh I forgot to mention that a frantic woman called me YESTERDAY about the fact that I need to have a two hour pre-op appointment on Monday.. no other day... well my hubby has to take 4 days off for me to do this and that is a kind of big deal around here... we need him to work every day that he can.... so... blah blah blah.. it's worked out... but I do wish they had told me about that when I called and asked them about it almost a month ago...sigh.. whatever... it will be ok. I am just ready for it to be over soon!

On a completely different front... we tried to go to the zoo today, but ended up taking an amazing adventure on the search for proof of spring at the park today. We found all different sorts of seeds, and have officially adopted two trees. We are going to watch them through the season to see what happens. We played in a big puddle for almost 30 minutes... and they still didn't want to leave.
I LOVE SPRING!!!!
Thank you bringing new life and beauty into the world. What a glorious time of year!! : )

Today I am thankful that I am able to get this surgery done very soon and start a new healthier life.

I am glad that we were able to salvage a pretty rough morning with some sunshine and dirt! : )

Blogs, blogs, everywhere!

2009-03-22T23:26:00.004-04:00

One of my bloggy friends at This Stop Willoughby put out a challenge last week I think (ok, I had to look it up to link you to the post and it was 2 weeks ago...so what...I'm slow... I've been busy!), asking her readers for new blogs that we might read, that fall outside of the small circle of us who migrated from Allrecipes, which if you don't know is a pretty great place to find a recipe and possibly some good advice or help on a cooking query through their recipe exchange.
Anyway:
I wanted to share three blogs that I follow.
Two, I found when I first started blogging myself, and one I found tonight.

The first one, Jen, at Buried with Children is a mom of four, triplets and an older boy.
She is funny, and witty, and real.

The second one, BlueViolet, at A Nut in a Nutshell is a mom with two older kids.
She is funny, and quirky, and fun to read.

The third one, Keri, at Forever Folding Laundry, I don't know much about yet.
I just found it tonight, but something about the way she writes made me feel like I would want to read more!

I hope that some of you check out these blogs and find some new interesting reading!

On another note, I am going to be starting a new blog as well. Something that has been taking up quite a bit of my blogging time lately (perish the thought) is my new desire to have a more focused learning environment for my kids... sooo I am going to have a new blog about my preschool curriculum, showing fun ideas for themed activities, songs, crafts and anything else I can think of. I think it will also be a good way to keep myself organized and not repeat myself too much. Plus, I think that it would be great to bounce creative ideas around with all my bloggy friends out there! : )
I don't think that all of you will be interested in it, since some of you have much older kids, and I also don't want to have this gratitude blog get taken over... because it has become such a helpful tool in keeping a better perspective on things.

I'm working on getting things together for that one and will certainly let you all know when I get the first blog up and running! I already have my first post taped(entitled story time, which will be an at least weekly feature) and ready once I write an intro post! ; )

{alright the intro post is now up! my new blog is The Fey FamilyABCs and 123s . It is getting stupid late, so more new posts will go up on the new blog tomorrow!}

Tonight I am grateful to have some peace and quiet to write this out tonight!
(it's been busy around here lately! I had 8 teenage girls in the house overnight, and the hubby works weekends so that was 11 kids for breakfast! I felt like a short order cook!)
I am thankful that I found blogging, it has so many benefits for me.
( I know I say it all the time, but it's so so so true!)

Surgery Scheduled!!

2009-03-20T21:56:00.003-04:00

So, as most of you know, I have an umbilical hernia that has been becoming more and more of an issue for me. I have been waiting for the doctor to have a space for my surgery, and I got a call yesterday.
The woman who I've been speaking with, a very nice lady btw, called me yesterday and said...
"You know Ruth, I know that you were hoping to get this done before the Dr goes on vacation, and we have an opening, but I don't know if you will want it."
me: "ok, when is it?"
"well, it's soon... it's April 1rst"
me:" oh, ok sure, I'm all in...set it up!"
"are you sure?"
me:"yup, it's soon, but I'm ready"
blah blah blah, I have my appointment.
So, of course, I call my husband to tell him, we need to request time off for him to be home with the babies that day and also for a few days after, to make sure that I am ok, and that the kids are taken care of ...
Well, he freaked out!
How about I am so un-superstitious that I didn't even think about it once until he pointed it out to me. Whoops! : )
I am still getting it done, I don't give any energy to that kind of silly negative thinking. I am ready and it is just another day really..I mean what's gonna happen?
Do you think I'll wake up from surgery and the Dr will say -hey Ruth you're bleeding out and everything's going down the toilet... (dramatic pause)JUST KIDDING... everything went great, you'll be headed home in a few hours... no ... the operation room is no place for practical jokes, so I don't think I have too much to worry about! : )
I am a little nervous because I don't like hospitals, but I am surprised at the amount of relief that I feel. I have been worried about the surgery for months and months now, and NOW that I actually have definite date ... well I feel good about it!
I am so ready to be healthy and strong again. Do you know how much it sucks to have to have someone else...carry the vacuum up and down the stairs.. not be able to get the laundry up from the basement.. the list goes on and on...
For years I did yoga everyday. I haven't been able to practice, or even stretch for months because even something as simple and seemingly "easy" as a child's pose would pop this thing out and start a whole domino effect of badness.
So, I will be getting back on track with this surgery and I CAN NOT wait!
I know that abdominal surgery is no picnic.. but at least that pain will have a foreseeable end.... and at the end of that tunnel is the opening to a much healthier & happier me.
score!

Today I am thankful for my new perspective on this surgery.
I am grateful to have a husband who will be able to take a few days off to help me, and the kids.

Emily's 14th Birthday

2009-03-15T14:55:00.010-04:00

Hellooooooo!

yes I know.. I have been a very bad little monkey! AGAIN!!

I have had several things going on recently. The best of which was that my oldest, Emily, had her "special" birthday. She turned 14 on the 14th of March. I had built this thing up to enormous proportions in my head, and she had as well, so being the crazy person that I am, I ended up feeling a little overwhelmed and slightly wacky for a little while... which leads into one of the other things going on here... hernia BADNESS!!

It was really ok until the day of Emily's birthday, at which point my body told me in no uncertain terms...CHILL OUT WOMAN!! I'm convinced that one of the reasons I have this thing is because I sometimes need a very dramatic reminder that I need to breathe, and relax, and not try to control the entire universe! : )

I know, of course, that in reality I have no control whatsoever, but that doesn't make it any easier to stop and just let things happen sometimes!

So, I was able to push through and ignore that I was in pain for her day... and it ended up being the best day ever for her(and so also for me)! HOORAY! I would do it all over again to see the look of joy on her face throughout.the.entire.day. She is very good at not needing huge amounts of attention... with two younger siblings, but that one day was ALL about her..and honestly who doesn't want(and need) that every once in awhile? : )

So, I will say one more thing about my bad, bad hernia... it stinks! A LOT!! The day after Emily's birthday I went down hard, for two days. I just couldn't push through it for another minute it felt like. I know that stress effects me physically very hard, especially as far as GI stuff goes, so it wasn't a big shock. Annoying, yes, but shocking, no.

It is frustrating beyond my comprehension (and I don't think people get it, unless they themselves have had to deal with it) when my body refuses to do what it is told and takes matters into it's own hands. It is like when I have been put on bed rest during my pregnancies... everyone jokes and says how great it must be to NOT HAVE to do anything, but anyone who has experienced the frustration of not being ALLOWED to do anything knows... it's just not fun. Plus, I am the one who runs this household, and much to the amazement of my own husband, who just can't understand why things are so messy and out of control when I am down and out... I do a heck of a lot around here... every single day... shoot pretty much every minute, and often late into the night... It is a never ending chore to keep a house running smoothly! I know that some of you know what I am talking about! I sometimes think my hernia is the universe's way of reminding my dear hubby how good he's got it when I'm on top of my game. He is always flabbergasted(to my deep frustration as well) how much more he has to do when I am down... (to which I try NOT to respond with..um yeah, DUH!! how exactly did you think things were being done.. magic? no dear it is hard work... constant, hard, fairly unappreciated, and sometimes tedious work. sprinkled with LOTS of patience and a good amount of humor, the more self-deprecating the better! not one of my hubby's strong suits, by the way!)

Anyway, I am waiting for my surgery to be scheduled, as we speak... wouldn't you know it as soon as I decide enough is enough, I need to get it done.. well there are several emergency surgeries through out the week , and now the doctor is going on vacation. bummer. I don't begrudge the man a vacation, I'm sure he earns and deserves them... just a little funny to me how things work out generally for me in my life! : )

So with all that info out of my head... back to Emily!

Her birthday went really well, because it was mostly mellow. We had a chill day together the kids and I and then we all went out to dinner and met my sister and family there. We went to a teppan yaki place where they cook the food in front of you. We had gone there a few times before usually for her birthday. It was ok, but at one point I got pretty grumpy, because we had forgotten about the St Patrick's Day parade which here is a big stinking deal.... if one more drunk person knocked into me without saying excuse me or sorry...I was going to scream... but Emily had fun and that is all that mattered! I do NOT think that I will go to this particular place again, because I made the reservation 2 weeks in advance but we were in an awful part right near the bar and they knew that we were having high chairs...so maybe they could 've put us in the back away from the ruckus... but instead they put more drunk people there and spread the crazy all over the place. I did speak to the manager about it.. but it was too busy for him to care..which is why I was a little tense.. but all in all if the kid had fun... it's all good... I guess. Atleast there is no smoking in restaurants here.. that would have been the final straw.

After that we went home for ice cream cake and finally presents( poor girl had to wait all day!). She got a bunch of new clothes from her aunt and a few things from us. When I gave her the book, she got a little teary eyed...and just said..wow, I didn't know that many people cared about me. To which I replied with a smile...yeah I knwo that was kind of the point! : )

I ended up getting responses from all but one relative(who truth be told I didn't want to participate anyway, but was trying to be cool about it... I guess she doesn't like me either... it all worked out!) And then 15 out of 22 friends. It turned out lovely, and she loves it and that made all the late nights totally worth it! : )

Then everyone left, the babies and Al went to bed, and Emily and I designed two henna designs together, and I put it on her hands, while we watched a movie together and talked. It came out beautifully and it turned out to be a great day for everyone involved.

yay!

I have some shots of the days activities and my sweet (not so little) girl.

Happy birthday kid! : )

the fam at dinner, BIL,sister, the kid, and her cousin.

she got a sparkler in her ice cream... fun way to end the evening! : )

me and my sister

the birthday girl. mid-present opening

the little girl cousins

Uncle Tim and ROscoe, there was a lot of hugging that day!: )

the book : )

the henna, when it was still wet

the henna has to dry on your hands for at least 6 hours... so after it dried she put gloves over her hands and went to bed. we flaked it off the next morning.

this was what it looked like right after we got it all off.

the next day it was MUCH darker.

this is what she did when I said let me see your hands for a picture to show how dark it is... you wonder why she is interested in theatre! she is a natural born drama queen! : )

Today I am thankful that my daughter enjoyed her special day!

I am grateful that she felt special and joyous... HAPPY BIRTHDAY BABY!!

I LOVE YOU!!

The Zoo

2009-03-12T12:47:00.009-04:00

The weather has broken a little bit... and we are feeling the spring fever around these parts like CRAZY!!!

So as soon as it hits the 50's we get outside!

One of the best investments that we make every year is getting memberships to the zoo and the amazing museums that we are lucky enough to have here in the Burgh. The initial cost is SO worth feeling like you can go to the zoo for an hour and a half, instead of feeling like we need to get a full $30 of fun out of every single visit. During the nice parts of the year we go to the zoo at least once a week. The kids LOVE the animals..and even though it may seem silly, they love the little play area too. So yesterday when I saw that the rest of the week was going to be kind of chilly still... highs in the 30's AGAIN.. well we packed up our tea party and hit the road!

This is the second time we visited the zoo in less than a week so I am throwing up some pictures from both visits. : )

these little blooms where starting to pop up everywhere... like little gifts of sunshine, reminding me that spring is right around the corner! : )

We LOVE the sea lions.. they were ready for spring too, if you know what I mean... and were very "frisky" while we were there. They are so active and fun and I swear they like the interaction with people because it seems like they play with us in the window. We spent a lot of time hanging out with them. fun stuff!

my cheater version of taking a picture of myself (and Roscoe in the wagon!) when I'm out in the world! : )

Roscoe LOVES the fishes... a lot... I won't tell him that they would probably love to eat him...

look at those things...BIG!!

Roscoe looking at a polar bear up top, while Sophia checked out the guy in the water.

tea party at the zoo...super fun climbing tubes in the background.

Roscoe had fun climbing on a big alligator type thing... this is his stinker puss! : )

...the static cling hair is cracking me up here!

Sophia wanted to kiss the sheep.

the sheep wanted to eat her little plummy, peanut buttery fingers.

Mama said "no" to both parties!

It was a good time and I am SO excited to be able to get outside and run around!!

I have been working on lesson plans to help me get a little more organized in teaching Sophia. She is only 3 so it is just pre-school stuff, but she is very receptive to it.. so I am looking forward to this new part of our relationship. I am looking forward to using a lot of experiences in the zoo to "learn" from. It will have a wealth of inspiration!

I am off to finish up Emily's book. Her birthday is in two days... TIME.IS.RUNNING.OUT!!!

Tonight I am thankful to live in a city with an excellent zoo, as well as a fantastic park system. It is a big reason why I LOVE my city. My very favorite time of year is almost here... giddyup!!

Tea, for three!

2009-03-07T13:40:00.005-05:00

Spring is on its way here to our house... but sometimes the weather doesn't cooperate as much as we'd like. The other day it was "supposed" to be a nice day out... it rained all day and I think we spiked at about 29 degrees that afternoon.
So it the midst of a rather dreary, and frustratingly housebound day... we decided what we needed was to have a tea party picnic!

I felt very clever about having this idea, because before I made the decision to have a fun activity, the kids and I both were kind of grumping around. The house was mess from playing all morning and I was looking at eating up a good 45 minutes of my (much needed) quiet time as clean-up time instead, after having a disappointing lunch of PB&J, and no going to the park.... : /

as I was making sandwiches.. it hit me...
Let's have a tea party picnic!

So, I changed my attitude around and got very excited as I told the kids what we were going to do. They picked up on the excitement right away, and got very into the idea.
Here's the tray of prepped food all ready to lay out for the munchkins.

Instead of me having to do all the clean-up (like I often do, just to make things easier and faster for myself) we decided that if we all put everything away really quickly, we could lay out a blanket in the middle of the floor for our party. Sophia and Roscoe both cleaned up faster than I have ever seen them do before!

While I made the lunchtime goodies, they tidied up their toys and started bringing me the plates, cups, bowls, serving dishes, and teapot. I washed them up really quickly, and Sophia was very excited about getting to dry them for the food. I love these play dishes we have because they are made in the USA, from old milk jugs... and they are fun colors that make food a little more interesting than the "adult" dishes.
Plus, to up the FUN factor I made everything into small bite sized pieces. We had good old PB&J, but they were cut into small squares, which made them MUCH more fun to pop in your mouth! We also had small squares of plum, cherry tomatoes, avocado cubes, grapes, and a grapefruit(ok not small but the pieces I pull out for them to eat are... in the end! : )...)

We had tea (water) in little teacups. Both of the kids drank a lot more water with lunch than usual... turns out if you want your kids to drink water.. you just have to play Tea Party.. who knew? : )

Although I feel I should mention that if your little people are under the age of two or maybe even three... this is most likely what will occur eventually during the meal... but of course it IS just water, so if you go into it knowing it will happen... it doesn't need to be a huge deal! The change of clothes before nap time was well worth it to me!

We all ended up having a great time of it. I hope to do it often now, as Sophia asks me if we can do it again everyday. I am thinking once a week will make it still fun and not turn it into something drone... but we'll see.

Just thought that I'd share a fun way to spend some time inside your own house..even if that's the last place you wanted to be! : )

the bear got some food too!

Today I am grateful that we can have fun, even though our plans don't always end up going the way we thought they would! : )

Simple Family Fun with Food!

2009-03-03T23:08:00.005-05:00

Tonight we made pizzas for dinner.
I know that this is nothing new.. but it always turns out so good, so I thought I'd share.
We only ever do this when the Boboli crust is on sale. I know it's not homemade, but yeast scares me, so we must all learn to deal. BUT Boboli crust WAS on sale, so we picked up a two pack of little crusts, one for each of the little ones, and Al, Emily, and I had a big one. Emily likes the original crust, Al gets the thin, and I get the whole wheat, which is really good.. if not a little sweet.

We all get to make our own pizza exactly the way that we want it... which in a family of five is nice, because of course we all have our favorites!

Al's is always lots of pepperoni, and maybe a few onions and hot peppers.

Emily went with a heavy cheese and pepperoni, today.

Sophia had onions, pepperoni, and sweet peppers. She made it all by herself... which made her very proud!

Roscoe had barely a smidge of cheese, lots of cherry tomatoes, and some caramelized onions. He ate more of the toppings before they got cooked than after! : )

Everyone's was different , but they all came out so pretty, and yummy! I somehow forgot to take pictures of mine and Al's, I think it was because we had to wait for the second round in the oven, and by the time we ate...we were hungry!!
but I took this one right before I ate mine.

Half white sauce(that Al put together...SOOO good!) with halved tomatoes, sweet peppers, and caramelized onions. and half cheese, a few pepperoni, and hot pickled peppers.

Man, that was SO good! it is a fun interactive way for us to make dinner and we all get it just the way we like it, plus the kids and I have a pre-made lunch for Al's first day back to work. Nice!!

Try it sometime... it's fun , and if you choose the right toppings..well it could be worse for you, anyway!

Pizza makes the kids happy, and between us all we ate a pint or more of cherry tomatoes, and about 6 mini sweet peppers(red, orange, and yellow). They were so fresh and made me feel like, yes, one day the winter will end and springtime is getting near.. HOORAY! we can't wait here that's for sure!

and yes it's dinner with Sophia in her jammies.. it was in the single digits most of the day here and they keep her warm... so she wears them all day some days! : )

Today I am thankful for fun family times, even if it is as simple as homemade(sort of) pizza nights! : )

ahhhh...

2009-03-03T00:45:00.004-05:00

Just a qickie post for now because it is late, and I have been working on Emily's book.

I am so anal retentive that everything that I make takes at least three times as long as I need it too..

sigh..

I had the BEST.TIME.EVER!! with my husband last night.

I wanted very much to write a big long post... but I can't right now.. just throwing out there that this is something we need to do more often... it was exactly what we needed!

We walked down to a nice restaurant, which turned out to be the nicest place I've ever been. I give it five out of five stars. SOOO good! They took our picture and gave it to us in a frame with some free dessert because it was our anniversary. A gimmick maybe, but it was awesome. We had fun, and that was entirely the point! The dessert was a lemon basil sorbet (so very refreshing and tasty!) and vanilla ice cream over strawberries with a Grand Marnier sauce... yum!

We spent the night at the nicest place I have ever stayed.. the bed was so comfy... like sleeping in a cloud. The hotel that we ended up getting was actually one where I worked for 6 years. I worked in the daycare inside the hotel..and I had always wanted to stay there.. because all kinds of famous people stayed there, and it was so fancy...anyway... it was as nice as I thought it would be and so much more!

This is me at about 7:00 in the morning, after we had checked on everything at home and knew we didn't need to hurry too much. I really enjoyed this time with my husband! This was the first time we ever spent the night away from the kids since we got married (don't forget we had an instant "family" because I already had my beautiful Emily), so I think that it was a long overdue treat!

I can't tell you how nice it was to re-connect with the man that I adore. We work hard in our lives and we MUST remember to make each other a higher priority!

We are coming away from this with a greater appreciation for each other and a commitment to do this again ( maybe even every 6 months or so!... as long as there are no new babies added to the mix!)

So thanks to all who wished me well. I really do appreciate it!

Today I am thankful for a little break from reality, which helped me remember why it is that I love my everyday reality as much as I do!! : )

A short post with many thank yous!

2009-02-28T22:06:00.002-05:00

Thank you to everyone who gave me an award!
It was very nice and actually made my day that much nicer!
The kids and I had a very nice mellow day yesterday with the addition of some really good food, we all know good food makes life better always! : ), which was nice because there has been a lot of busy, busy days around here lately.
It is always something and right now it's several at once!
but we are doing pretty well in general...
and I am feeling a little better than I was... from my last post.
right now my 13 year old is at a school dance, and then isn't even coming home tonight because she staying over with friends.... so that is strange for me. She is gorgeous and I feel so proud when I send her off... but I also worry a lot because she is gorgeous, and 13.... boys have crazy hormones...and so does she!
yikes! .... get that awful image out of my head!
she is still a very sweet and innocent girl, but it doesn't stay that way forever. I have to admit that even her giving a boy an innocent kiss makes me feel woozy(and not in a good way!)... I just can't imagine her being old enough yet or for a long time... maybe it's a mom thing...
anyway that is happening tonight and it is also me and Al's 5th anniversary.
We got married on Leap Day so we don't really get one this year, but we are going to celebrate tomorrow night.
We are headed out to a nice steak house & we got a bottle of wine from the year we got married(2004) It is the nicest wine I've ever bought...it was a special at $40, supposed to be $90... and you know you would spend that much on a $15 bottle at the restaurant so we are going to drink water(or pop for my man) when we go out to eat, so that we could splurge on this wine. I'm truly curious to see if it tastes THAT much better than the average bottles we buy. I generally try wines that are on sale for $10-$15, and I am generally pretty happy with them (of course some are better than others...). Anyway, we will be drinking our nice wine, at our fancy (but cheap..gotta LOVE hotwire!) hotel room, while we try and reconnect with each other in a grown up way! and not just sex... but having the time to be playful and more relaxed than usual..
I miss my husband.
Right now it is sad because last year at this time I felt very happy and content in the way that things were with each other... and really until very recently I was doing well, but we need some time when we aren't parents and it is hard to get that sometimes...
hence the room...
when you parent in an all inclusive way you get awesome kids(well, so far anyway!) but you lose some of the intimacy of your marriage..and that can be difficult. at least is is for me.
the last few nights Al and I have been talking a lot and snuggling more... and it is absolutely necessary for me.
I am hoping that we have a nice time together and just relax a little....
so thank you again for the blog awards.... I promise I will do a better response soon!
and wish me and the hubby luck enjoying each other, our anniversary, and our time alone together!

Tonight I am thankful that I am & have been married to the man that I truly believe that I was meant to be with for the rest of my life for five fabulous funky years.