Surprise!!

I have been absent again.

I know, you are probably used to it at this point.

There is a different reason that I have been away this time though. I am on the verge of another big life change... again. And it has so taken over my thoughts and processing that I haven't been able to focus on anything else for long enough to write a cohesive post. I've tried several times... my drafts are starting to outnumber my actual posts at this point! : )

Well, what could be so life altering that I couldn't focus on anything else?

That's right... surprise!

We are having another baby!
What!?!

This was not part of my plan on what I would be doing for the next 2 years (because you know the pregnancy really takes 10 months and we all know there is nothing outside as important as whatever is going on with a newborn baby for the first year or so).

I had a few suspicions, because when I was going on my walks I got really light headed a few times. So one afternoon when I got back from a walk (the kiddos were still napping) I found an old test and went into the bathroom to take it. I really thought that it would be negative, and was taking it just to ease my mind (if I thought I actually WAS pregnant I would have waited until the next morning). My hubby happened to be home that day and was taking a bath... when I told him what I was doing, he just rolled his eyes at me, I guess he didn't think I would be either...

I am excited and happy, now. But I must admit that when I first found out, I had an adjustment period to deal with. I have known for over a month already, and honestly I am still in a little bit of shock. I am really good at knowing my own body and what is going on as far as the womanly works go... but as my midwife so lovingly reminded me, I am getting older... and things can get a little wonky around my age. Here's hoping that after my next appointment my uterus growth is on target because twins would throw me for another loop... not to mention I couldn't continue care with my beloved midwife practice because of becoming a complicated pregnancy... but that is jumping ahead to unlikely circumstances... but then again this was surprise, so...

Anyway, my initial shock gave way to a fair number of worries and a lot of tears at first. I had an explosion of different thoughts, worries, and anxiety.

Here's a few of the things that I was worried about.

Truthfully and selfishly, I was excited to be getting to focus on myself for the first time in a long time. I was doing really well with my desire to get healthier and more fit. I had reached 3/4 of the way to my first weight loss goal and had a secondary one already in mind for when I had reached my first big 100 pound milestone. I was excited to be occasionally putting my needs before the needs of others, every single second of the day. It's felt good. I wasn't all stoked on giving that up right away.

For the first time in my life (even when I found out about Emily) I wasn't immediately thrilled. I had never felt that way before and it made me feel terrible. I cried and cried. I wasn't crying about having another baby, but about not feeling super excited from the second I found out. My poor husband was amazing. He was so supportive and listened to me rattle off all the reasons that this just wasn't the right time (there are some more complicated explanations forthcoming) and he just smiled and hugged me and looked me in my eyes and told me how happy he was and how much he loved me. He told me that I was the best Mama he has ever known and that this baby was going to be lucky to have me. And he gently reminded me that contrary to my assertion on certain days... I'm not actually controlling the universe. Oh yeah. I forgot that for a moment. I don't know what I would have done if he had reacted any other way. Reason # 239 to keep him around a little longer! ; )

I called our family therapist the next day and made an appointment with her that week. I talked with her about all of the things that were bothering me. I talked about my selfish thoughts(reasonably selfish, but selfish nonetheless). I talked about how I was worried that this wouldn't be good for me and Al's relationship. And the hardest thing of all, my GUILT. My sister's daughter just turned four and they have been trying to get pregnant since she turned one. I also have had several friends miscarry in the last 6 months. And one of them very recently, and she's not doing well. I just feel bad about how easy it is for me and Al to conceive together. My sister is going to have a really hard time with this news. I still haven't told her. I have tried to call her, but she has been busy and hasn't been returning my calls. I can't email her something like this. When our mutual friend got pregnant the first month they tried, my sister was so upset. She confided in me how unfair it was and how angry she was... and then our friend lost the baby, and of course my sister feels terribly guilty about her feelings... it just is a bit of a mess. I honestly would have talked with her before we started trying, if this had been a planned thing, and she knows that. It somehow feels a little more cruel that she will know that not only did it happen again for us, but that we weren't even trying.

meh- it kind of stinks.

The truth is that I am afraid of losing my sister for the next year or so because of this, and it makes me sad. And just for a little background, when she got pregnant with her daughter, we also got pregnant about 3 months later. My sister hardly talked to me for my entire pregnancy. I guess she thought we were trying to steal her thunder or something? I don't know, we never talked about it because I was just so happy to be on speaking terms with her again, but it did hurt me a lot, because of course that wasn't the point. We were just ready to start growing our family too. We actually had been casually trying for a few months when she got pregnant.

sigh... I wish that it didn't have to be so complicated. I wish that I knew that she would be happy for us, but the truth is, I don't think that she will be, and that does make me sad. What it boils down to though, which my therapist did her best to help me understand(I'm almost there... I am sure that once I actually am able to tell her my anxiety over the situation will lesson tremendously) is that whatever issues my sister might have to deal with really has nothing to do with me. She has her own issues and they are hers to deal with. I can't make her pregnant and I can't make her accept that she might not have another baby. I have absolutely no control over her situation. It is not mine to fix or solve. I have to let her deal with this news however she is going to deal with it. I can hope for the best, as I always do, and that is about the extent of what I can do. The same goes for my grieving friends. They will all have their own reactions, and hopefully when they have dealt with them, they will come to be happy for us and our new blessing. After all 9 months is a long time to come to acceptance!

On a much more positive note, I told my mother the other night and she was actually really happy for us! For most of you that might be a given, but she has never really been too happy before, so I was convinced she would be negative about it... but she wasn't! Yay! So there is always hope!

My oldest daughter cried, but now is doing pretty well with the information. I'm sure that with her starting high school and being a teenager the last thing she wants is more competition for time and attention, but she is great with her other siblings and I'm sure she will do well with it, after a little acceptance period of her own. It is still so early that we haven't done any explaining to the little ones yet. I have hardly told anyone yet actually, for fear of someone saying something and my sister hearing it from somewhere other than me. Also, of course, you are supposed to wait until after 12 weeks, but I feel like I might explode if I try and keep this in another month longer! Now that I am excited about it, I find myself saying things to random strangers I am talking with at the store or at the dentist's office. It is exciting news for most people and it has felt good to get to share without worrying about it somehow being hurtful! My MIL (for all of her faults, thinks I'm a good mom and adores our kids) was so excited she almost caused an accident while Al was driving, which was also a nice reaction... sort of! : )

My family doesn't read this, but now I am worried about posting it. Maybe I should make sure that she knows from my lips first just in case... well it felt good to purge it, but I really did want to share my exciting news with everyone here.

Well, if this has an addendum you will understand why now.
And for now, I wish you all happiness and peace. Good night!

***Addendum***
Ok, so I actually wrote this about a week ago now, and have tried calling my sister SO MANY TIMES!!!! I am getting frustrated with it because I want it off my chest, already!! She has not called me back, but left me notes on facebook saying she'll call soon... grrr. Anyway, I know she really has been super busy, her in laws have been here for the last month and they stay with her, much to her dismay, they make her crazy! They just left Friday, so now that they are gone, I'm sure I will be able to reach her soon! I have, in the last week, really decided that no matter what her reaction might be, it will be ok. I am doing my best to not worry quite so much about how other people might react to my news and just stopped and connected with myself and my new little person. It amazes me every time how much love you can feel for such a small thing that you have never met. But I already feel so much and know that regardless of what my own plans had been. This is what I am supposed to be doing right now. I do hope that I get ahold of my sister soon, and that she will be happy for us, but either way I am so excited about heading down this familiar path once again! : )

Today I am thankful that I have been blessed with the gift of being a vessel for another beautiful soul. I can't wait to meet you. I love you so much already!
I am thankful that I have such an amazing husband, and that he is such a great dad!
I am thankful that I am the healthiest I have been in the beginning of a pregnancy and hope that it helps me to have a healthy pregnancy!