Mi Familia!!

Mi Familia!!
Roscoe, Sophia, & Emily(across top) and then I think you can figure out the rest!

Thursday, January 28, 2010

Hope, Passion, and Reality

It is such a small word, but it carries a lot of weight.
I have been feeling more and more hope for myself lately. That would generally be a good, good thing, but sadly the better and better that I have been feeling about myself, the worse things in my most intimate relationship have become. My husband and I are easily struggling with the hardest part of our growth together so far. Which sadly is saying something in itself, as our lives together have been nothing if not passionate.

Passion is also a word that carries a lot of weight for me. Passion is such an important part of living life to me. If I am not feeling like I am living life to the fullest, it feels like I am lacking something. But passion is a double edged sword to be sure!
The excitement, thrill, and fulfillment can all too easily turn into anger, frustration, and even fear. The pure emotion involved with passion is what makes it so volatile at its core. I had a college professor once who personally thought that passion was something to be ashamed of, he was a philosopher and thought that a life filled with passion was a waste of time and had nothing to do with a life filled with logic and reason, which may or may not be true.
I personally think that a balanced life has a little bit of each! I've never been an all or nothing kind of girl! : ) I want a little bit of everything. A life based on passion, I have found, is one that doesn't have a solid base. A solid base is something that I could really appreciate right now. There needs to be more than just passion, there also has to be respect and a certain level of logic and reason as well.
Right now I am feeling like there is not enough of a solid base in my life. That is a very difficult way to be feeling when you are about to bring another child into the world. I long to feel the stability of a solid relationship, a solid life. My life is anything but that right now... and I am truly struggling with it. It is a very strange thing to be feeling more confident and a little less mixed up on the inside, while seemingly watching my outside life fall apart around me.

The reality of what is going on in my life right now, is not filled with hope or passion.
My husband and I are now seeing someone every week, while also seeing our own person every week. This is A LOT of therapy. It is very intense to say the least! I feel like I am really making headway... and then I go home to where everything is in flux and frustrating. The mutual sessions we have are moving very slowly because the truth is that my husband and I are not on the same page. We are not in the same places right now and I have less and less desire to wait for him to catch up. He is really stuck in the place that he is right now... which would be ok if it wasn't so hurtful to me and my children. But sadly where he is emotionally is pretty destructive and behaviors that once only effected me, have spread out to my kids as well. It is much more difficult to be patient with him when I see our children being hurt by his behavior. I can't help but feel the Mama bear in me come out and refuse to allow it to continue. I know that he is the only one that can change his behavior, but I simply can not allow him to take his time when my family is intimately involved. I am really beginning to think he might have to go somewhere else to work these issues out, where it won't be so hurtful to the rest of us.

Have I mentioned lately that I am having another baby here VERY soon?
The sense of urgency I feel revolving around all of this is IMMEDIATE!!

Just to ease any one's mind there is no physical abuse going on here. The behaviors that I am referring to are all of a verbal and emotional level, which really doesn't make it much better, but no one is in immediate harm. The anger and frustration my husband feels about himself and his life just bubbles out into more and more of his life right now... and it isn't pleasant to watch or be caught up in. He is pretty good at keeping himself in check around the kids, but it is becoming increasingly difficult for him.. and that is my biggest concern. I don't want my kids to see him lose it. I worry about how his anger issues will effect them. My personal compassion for him and his pain is feeling completely depleted. It's not a great way to feel about the man that I love more than anything else. There is not nearly as much hope about the two of us (and our family) making it through this period intact as I had two weeks ago.

There's really nothing that I can think of that could make me feel sadder than all of this right now. This is not the way that I want to welcome my newest little person into the world.. a world filled with sorrow, confusion, and frustration. This is our fourth, so I know all too well what is coming, (complete exhaustion, overwhelming degrees of changes for the entire family, major adjustments to an additional person with needs and LOTS of them for awhile...) and I have to tell you, envisioning things getting worse is not a cheering thought!

With all of that being said, at my core I know that no matter what happens, I will be ok. I will make things ok for my kids. I am nothing, if not a survivor. I have dealt with bad situations in my life over and over again and have come through them a stronger and better person. I know that I am strong enough to deal with anything that life gives me, but I would lying if I said that this was the way I wanted things to be! Right at this moment of writing, I am wishing that at some point I would have already paid my dues and I deserved a little less chaos and maybe a little less pain. I realize that I am indulging in a little bit of self pity, but regardless, I would so take an easier road if I saw one right now!
I am tired and emotionally and physically depleted.
I am in desperate need of some piece of mind.
I wouldn't turn away a fairy godmother right now either... but we all know that I won't be hearing a knock on my door anytime soon. My reality is what it is and I need to do my best to make the best of what it is...
and I'm going to get right on top of doing that...
tomorrow. Today I am giving myself the day to feel the sadness. I am allowing myself to mourn the loss of the fantasy so that tomorrow when I wake up I can deal with what my reality is.

Today I am honestly struggling to feel grateful for much.
But I AM grateful that my baby is healthy and growing well.
I am also thankful that my children are so inspiring to me, even in my darkest hours. I don't know what I would do without them, but I'm glad that is not one of the things I have to worry about!

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Wading through Muck... to find a little happiness?

Pregnancy is a crazy thing.

It has the capacity to completely take over your entire existence.... even if you already have a lot of other stuff going on. For me there is an undeniable connection to not only myself but also to everything and everyone around me. I feel super sensitive in not only the cliched emotional ways, but also to the working of our universe.

We are all interconnected, and I feel much more aware of these connections while I am carrying a child. The most interesting thing about doing this for the fourth time around has been the ability to separate what is my stuff from what is pregnancy stuff. What I mean by that is that is that some of the inevitable hormonal crazy is easier for me to see IS hormonal crazy... as opposed to me losing my mind or being a horrible person. I am a different person when I am pregnant and although I like my non-pregnant person a little better I am trying to appreciate some of my pregnant person attributes as well.

My goal this time around has been to try and fully take advantage of this connection that I feel that is so different than my "normal" way of interacting and reacting to things, situations, and other people. I am hoping that I can come out of this with not only an amazing little human to watch and love and learn from, but a better sense of who I am and where I am headed.

My husband and I are both very much in love with each other but we have our struggles and frustrations with each other as well. I think that my husband's best quality is what an amazing father he is. I wish he was as committed to being as good of a husband. I happen to think that I am a pretty good mother as well, and I try to be a good wife, but the inequality of our marriage has reached a point that I am not as doting as I used to be. I sometimes worry about the ultimate future of our lives together and nothing makes me sadder than these thoughts.

We have been in counseling for a little while together but with all the holiday madness we had to take a small hiatus. During this time I went and sought out a counselor for myself to try and work on some of my own issues that have nothing (or little) to do with my husband, but are buried in my somewhat dark and mucky past. I shared in my last post that he is now going to start seeing our marriage counselor on his own. We will still go together occasionally, but I am hoping that without the distraction of "our stuff" he can work on some of his own. It gives me hope anyway, which is never a bad thing! I only hope he will be able to reach down deep to do the work he needs to, he had never been in therapy before me and I'm not sure he really knows what he is getting into. All I can do is hope that he will do the best he can, and him agreeing to go in the first place is a pretty big step for him!

I am so glad that I took that step for myself and I am working really hard. It amazes me how much things from my past can effect the way that I interact with people and situations today. It's not as though I haven't dug through all of these things before. I have been through a few incredibly dark periods of time. I have told the story of how I eventually became pregnant with my oldest daughter, Emily in previous posts (part I & II). I have also alluded to some some fairly heavy darkness in my high school days, which I might touch on more at some point but for now I can sum up by saying that during my four years of high school I missed about half of my first two and a half years, by being institutionalized. The first time I tried to kill myself I was only 12 years old. It obviously could be a long story, but it wasn't for attention or because I was trying to call out for help, it was honestly that I didn't think that my life was worth the pain of living every day anymore and I just wanted to give up. I was in rehab for several months the first time. In the next couple of years I was sent back twice. My second time I woke up in rehab after having fallen into an alcohol induced coma from drinking too much after about a week of binging on Crystal Meth. Everyone thought I was trying to kill myself, but I was just too messed up to know how bad off I was. I talked myself out of that jaunt within only a few weeks. I had learned what needed to be said and when, but it didn't really help me at all. I was back to drinking and doing drugs, literally the day I got home. I don't remember how long it took before I was sent back but but it wasn't long. And this time my mom sent me to a bigger city with different people and no one bought my bullshit there. I spent several months there again this time. I spent A LOT of time in therapy. Personal therapy, group therapy, family therapy, group family therapy(that was a super weird one!!) you name it I did it...

The point of putting all of that out there is that I have had a lot of time to air my dark places. They have had a lot of light shined on them and yet they are still there. The interesting thing that I am finding now... readdressing some of that same stuff is how much it STILL messes with me. I have to admit that it annoys the hell out of me. In some ways I feel like there is only so many times you can go over the same crap before you have to put on your big girl panties and fricking deal with it, but at the same time I am desperately trying to be kind to myself and let myself feel the sadness and pain of these things... let myself acknowledge their power over me, because only then can I truly GET OVER IT.

I am working with an amazing woman who I have developed a growing respect for. She has helped me to connect with things that I really thought I was over... but I am obviously not. She has been kind and patient and with her guidance I have made connections that I have never made before. It has been a long time since I dug this deep into a lot of this crap and I am A LOT older now and have a lot more life experience behind the eyes that are looking back. I really think that I am making progress with this stuff and that makes me feel truly hopeful that even if these things are not vanished forever.... at least for right now I am beginning to feel my heart and soul have a little less weight on them.

One of the hardest things for me to do is to sit with my own sorrow or pain. I always want to push it away. Even if the way that I usually push it away is generally a good thing, by looking at the lessons I have learned or see how I am a better person for having gone through these experiences... sometimes I just have to stop and sit with the pain. Allow myself to grieve for the loss of innocence or the pain of loneliness and neglect. I struggle doing this because it feels like self pity to me, which I can't stand, but one of the things that I am discovering is how not giving myself permission to feel the things that I DO feel is a large part of what is hurting me the most.
I think it is funny that I am so harsh, judgemental, and uncompassionate (and yes according to dictionary.com that really is a word, I wasn't sure so I went ahead and looked... OCD anyone? : P ) with myself because I think that if you asked most people who know me, and know me well, those words would probably come up as the complete opposite of some of my most positive attributes. Isn't it funny how easy it is for me to give to others what I find it nearly impossible to give to myself? That is another way I hide from my pain btw, which I honestly didn't see the depth of until recently. I laugh when I want to cry. I have been doing it for so long that I truly didn't even notice how often I do it. Now that I see it a little more clearly, I have been amazed at how often I laugh at things that really aren't funny at all. And again I don't do it with other people's pain, just my own. It is astounding to me how easy it can be to just not see these things about yourself when you do them everyday, for years, maybe a lifetime even. Yet another reason that I am so glad that I made that call and found this woman to help me. My days after a session can be hard because it is so very draining, but I am finding that the next few days are beginning to feel better and better. I hadn't realized how heavy my heart had slowly become over the last good amount of years, it feels nice to air things out and let a little more sunshine in!

Sadly, it's not helping things with the hubby because some of what is happening is that I want to change some of my more destructive behavior patterns... which of course he has become quite accustomed to, but if we are meant to be together forever like we both hope that we are, then we will be able to let each other grow in the ways that will make us happier, healthier people on our own AND together as a unit. I don't for a second think that things are going to be easy for us. They never have been for us. We have always had a relationship full of extremes both good and bad, but I have faith and hope (I know that word has been a little overused this post) that we will make through this together. Together as partners, lovers, and friends building our relationship and our family in the healthiest, happiest way that we can.

Today I am grateful that I becoming more comfortable letting myself feel what I need to feel, with a little less judgement.
I am grateful that my husband has taken a step to be a healthier person.
I am thankful to have more hope than I have felt for awhile. I have missed my natural optimism greatly! : ) I plan to enjoy it while it lasts... even if it only visits, I think it will be visiting more often!

Friday, January 8, 2010

Copy Cat Oats and a little less of the Crazy

This morning we woke up to the 8th straight day of snow and COLD weather. It hasn't laid buckets of snow down on us, but it has snowed some every day since New Year's Eve here in the Burgh.

It is also really COLD! Right now we are resting at around 11 degrees outside... brr! We live in an old drafty house and actually don't have any kind of heating vents in almost half of our house. The kitchen, the kids' room, and the bathroom (which are above the kitchen on the second floor) are all devoid of any kind of heat other than being attached to the rest of the house. It makes for a chilly house! I'm not sure why there aren't vents in those rooms, I guess it has something to do with the age of the home. We use space heaters to supplement, but it gets expensive and a little squirrelly with little people running around the house.
Sooo, this morning was the perfect opportunity for a new kind of warm, yummy breakfast that I have been wanting to try. A bloggy friend of mine Christine from Marvelously Mundane posted a variety of oatmeal that intrigued me recently, so I thought I would try it with my own spin. I didn't change much about the recipe, but I used steel cut oats instead of rolled, and fresh cranberries instead of dried, plus a wiggle here and there for spices and sweetness. I made a large amount because there are 3 of us, AND I'm a hungry, pregnant Mama! It reheats well and I make it knowing I get two breakfasts out of it pretty easily! Now we have breakfast for tomorrow and none of us have to wait that long.

In fact, if you are more organized making it in advance works well, because the Steel Cut Oats do take awhile to cook, and I don't know about you, but the kids and I come downstairs ready to eat the second we hit the kitchen! : ) All you have to do to reheat is add a little Almond Milk, Water, or Orange Juice(in the case of this recipe) to loosen it up a bit and heat it on low for a few minutes and you have a tasty, healthy breakfast!

Here's what I came up with.

Cranberry Orange Steel Cut Oats

3 Cups Water
1 1/2 Cups Orange Juice
1 Cup Fresh Cranberries

1 Cup Applesauce
1 1/2 Cups Steel Cut Oats
1 Tsp Pumpkin Pie Spice
1/2 Tsp Tumeric (don't be scared of this... it adds a great complexity and was one of the things that intrigued me so much about the original recipe... you can add less if you want to though! )
1/2 Tsp Sea Salt

1 Tsp Vanilla (optional)
3 Tbsp Maple Syrup
2 Tbsp Brown Sugar (if needed, I tried to just use Maple Syrup, but found I needed a little more sweetness for me and the kiddos, especially with those tart cranberries in the mix!)
Almond Milk (optional, we like it to cool it down and make it a little creamy)

1. Using a good thick bottomed pan put 3 cups of water, 1 1/2 cups of orange juice, and a cup or so of fresh cranberries to boil. Steel cut oats take awhile to soften and cook, so using a good pan will help avoid too much sticking!

2. While waiting for your pot to come up to boil add your spices to the oats and stir them around, this helps avoid spice clumps when you add them in later.

3. When your water starts to bubble, add the applesauce and the spiced oats. Stir for a little while to make sure that everything is combined well. The cranberries will start to pop and open up a bit during this time, my kids love listening to them pop... it's the little things in life right? : )

4. When the liquids begin to bubble again, turn the heat down to a simmer. Add your necessary sweeteners and vanilla at this point as well. I tried to just use just Maple Syrup, but needed the extra hit of brown sugar for our tastes. The oats have a tendency to stick to the bottom of the pan, but I don't stand there stirring like crazy. My trick is to turn them down to a low simmer and set the timer for 10 minutes. When I go back to check them they will be stuck but I have a good pan so they don't burn. If I am having a hard time getting them off the bottom I just turn off the heat for a minute or two and cover them with the lid. After a minute or two when I lift the lid they will lift right off the bottom from the steam. I don't usually have to do that but sometimes I will lose my focus without a timer and leave them longer... that's when my little trick comes in handy! : )

How long the oats need to cook is very subjective. I cook mine for anywhere between 30-40 minutes depending on the day. When you go to check on them you might want to add more liquid if they are getting too dry, that is also subjective. I start checking them after 20 minutes or so... they are never done, but I am always ready to EAT them!! : ) I also adjust the seasoning throughout the process(that's why I added the brown sugar).
When they are all finished, I serve them with a little bit of unsweetened Almond Milk on top, you could also add a touch of honey as well, because I bet that would be tasty too!

Mmmm... so good I want some more!! : )

As for the second part of the title of this post... I am feeling better. There are quite a few reasons for this. I think the most important one is that I have been forcing myself to use my treadmill every single day. With the holiday craziness I had fallen off of my exercise routine. I just felt too overwhelmed to fit everything into my days. And as usual for me the first thing to go was taking the best care of myself. I am tired and clumsy, but I do a slow walk and feel better for it every time!

Roscoe has officially moved out of our room and into his sister's. We are in the process of turning into "their" room, which has been a long time coming! Roscoe is getting used to sleeping without walls on his mattress on the floor and that gives us the crib for when the baby gets here. I do cosleep with my little ones, so we had time, but I am glad that he did it on his own and not because he felt forced out by the baby. I'm sure that it feels much different to him that he asked and we didn't MAKE him do it. It is nice to have our room just for the two of us again. Not that much other than sleeping goes on in there at this point... but it is still nice to not have to whisper when we go to bed at night and feel like we have our own small bit of space again... for a few months anyway! : )

I also finally got my husband to sit down with me and look at my THREE page crazy nesting list. He added a few things to the list and then helped me to achieve several things that were the most important to me. He has started on a few of the things that are important to him as well. I cannot describe to you the relief that I feel from feeling like we are more on the same page than we were before. Plus, one of the big things I needed his help with was getting me all the old clothes from the attic. We had given away several boxes of things when we thought that we were done... but I found a box that I thought I had given away (even was labeled "to be given away") was still up there. I was happy to see it because it had all the long sleeved undershirts that I thought we were going to need to replace. In fact after looking through most of the boxes I now feel like I am WAY more prepared than I was. I have taken out all the gender neutral clothes to be washed and relabeled the other boxes with sizes and whether it is girl or boy stuff. It feels good just knowing what we do and don't have on our small baby needs list.

Another thing that has made me feel more hopeful is that my husband has agreed to go see our therapist on his own. I will still see my new one, and we will go every once in awhile together still, but for now he will go and try to work through some of his own stuff... and that feels really good. It shows me that he is willing to put forth some effort to help be the best that he can be... and that is all anyone can ask for really!

So all in all, I got back to remembering that it really is better for me AND the rest of my family when I make time for myself. The first thing to go for me is anything that I do for myself... when I start to feel overwhelmed it feels selfish, but the truth is that when I put my needs on the important "To Do" list everyone benefits. It's one of the many things I am working on. I am a work in progress, as we all are!

Today I am thankful that I am feeling a little less of the CRAZY!

I am grateful that my husband and I were able to sit down and re-connect.

I am also thankful that I have a yummy breakfast ready for tomorrow morning!!

Monday, January 4, 2010

My birthday and a sneak peek into the crazy

Well, I'd like to tell you all that I had an amazing birthday!


Ever since the very worst birthday ever (well- of my own, I might have recently been dethroned by a blogger friend, Tatts, who sadly wins the title now, that lucky girl!) the hubby actually makes great effort to try and give me a special day. Someday, I'll tell you my bad birthday story, but it's too depressing right now, so maybe next year!

This year my happy, happy involved sleeping in (or at least getting to go back to bed after I had to get up to pee in the early morning, this baby's getting heavy on the old bladder!), eating a leisurely breakfast that I got to make for myself (which is actually a very nice thing because there were no kiddos trying to eat it all or hanging on my legs, because Daddy had already fed them) then I got to walk on my treadmill for a mile and then take a relaxing bath, while the smell of my birthday cake wafted upstairs to the bathroom(and I didn't have to make it!!).

As far as I can tell that morning was just about perfect. The day continued fairly lazily at home, just kind of relaxing. Then I got a nice dinner, made by the man, this year it was Chicken Marsala with Baked Potatoes and Broccoli, followed by cake, ice cream AND a few gifts! Doesn't get much better than that!! None of them big or expensive, but they were all thoughtful, like a set of good measuring cups for baking(which I have been wanting for years), a lemon zester(so I don't have to use the big cheese grater anymore) and a Dymo labeler (which gave me a fun (for me) day project of relabeling all my whole grain jars one day... peeling off the old masking tape ones and having a unified system is something that most people wouldn't care about probably... but my crazy OCD brain was doing back flips of joy over it... really!!). It felt nice that the Mister had gone out of his way to get me a few things that would make me happy... and proved that even though it doesn't seem like it, a lot of the time... he really is listening when I am babbling on about my day. It felt really good to see how well he knows me, because lately it seems like our connection has had some serious glitches in it.

We got the kids to bed at a reasonable time and stayed up to clink wine glasses of Squirt at the stroke of midnight and welcomed in the New Year with some lovely birthday/new years loving which, as pregnant as I am, is not the norm for us right now, that's for sure!

So, I'd say it was a good memory for us... one to hold on to when things are not as calm and peaceful.... like practically every other day since then!!

I am really struggling right now to find my happy place. In my life, I have had some pretty serious struggles, with what I call my darkness. My darkness is full of ugliness and pain, loneliness and abuse of different levels throughout different parts of my past. It is my constant companion. It is not always on the forefront of my mind. Throughout the years I have even managed to forget about it on a conscious level at times, but it has ways of reminding me that it is there. It pops it's ugly head up every once in awhile, just so that I don't forget about its presence. It effects my daily behavior in ways that I don't always recognize and which often aren't on a super healthy level.

I have had A LOT of therapy in my life. I have read A LOT of books about any number of psychological issues, self help books, self esteem building, and so forth. My darkness is WELL COVERED TERRITORY!! But no amount of counseling or self help or even self awareness really stops the darkness. I'm not sure how much of the darkness I am ready to bring to light here on my blog right now, but at the moment it has gotten a pretty good hold on me. I am seeing a therapist every week. And it is helping.... sort of. I go in and I talk about my darkness and I cry. I talk about things going on in my life right now and things that happened a long time ago. I talk about how the things from long ago still effect me and my choices now and I talk about how to make better choices. I talk about what things are and are not in my control. I talk about my fears and pain and worries. I talk about feeling alone and misunderstood and frustrated. I talk about my kids, my husband, and myself.
I talk and talk and talk.
I get tired of talking sometimes.

I talk to my husband... not about my darkness much actually.... although he knows most of the basic facts, I haven't really shared deeply with him about any particular situation or the feelings they bring up or how some of them can haunt me. The truth is that I would love to talk with him about these things, but the man gets overwhelmed when I want to talk about what is happening with us at any given moment and he isn't capable of hearing me... so I don't bother. As it is I talk to him too much.... at least that it how it seems to me, most of the time.

My husband is kind of the quiet brooding type. I used to think that it was intriguing and mysterious... now I find it extremely frustrating. He has such a difficult time connecting to his own emotions and his own darkness, that he couldn't possibly relay it to me. This bothers me to no end. I get tired of trying to figure out what is in his head. I used to joke with him that I wished he had a button on his forehead that I could push to get at the information floating around in there.... now I wonder if there is any at all. I'm not saying that he is dumb.... just that we don't have the same way of thinking about things. I don't think that he has the constant flow of thoughts that I do.

I think A LOT!
I think way too much... about way too many things... generally all at the same time. I am thinking about many different things at any given moment... not just about my darkness past and present but also including all the things that I am trying to keep straight in respect to my daily duties as a Mama.
What's for breakfast, snack, lunch, snack.... ?
when did the kids eat last?
do they really need another snack?
when did Sophia pee last?
has Roscoe sat on the potty recently?
when was his last poop?
are the dishes done?
what's for dinner?
is it defrosting, or should I be prepping something?
are we learning enough today?
what is that awful smell?
who's crying?
why are they crying.... ?
add into that the constant stream of 4 year old conversation... because well the poor thing is my offspring so she literally doesn't stop talking from the moment she wakes up to the moment she goes to bed....
add to that the constant stream of two year old conversation because he also is my offspring and chats merrily away from sunup to sundown as well... but of course with him I don't understand about half of what he says and have to stop everything for a minute... oh about every 5 minutes or so and look at him while he speaks because I have this fantasy that it somehow helps me understand what the heck he's talking about... honestly sometimes I just have to say uh-huh, because I still don't get it.
All of that is probably from about five minutes in my head.

Is it any wonder I am exhausted?

Then add to that the fact that I have constant inner dialogue about what is going on with me and the baby... who is at the stage where she is really pretty interactive now. She moves all the time and is responsive to my touch and voice now. She loves orange juice, clementines, and grapefruit. She obviously gets quite a sugar rush from the citrus because she rocks out in there after I eat them! She is starting to play the poke the belly game, where she kicks and I rub and then I push (gently of course) or rub and she kicks me where she felt the pressure. She gets really active when I get angry(which I must admit is WAY to often lately). I'm not sure if it my adrenaline or the raised voice that make her move.

I am officially in my third trimester now. I think that this is my favorite time, because although I am starting to lose the glorious second trimester energy level, I get much more interaction with my little one now, which is awesome!

I feel completely unprepared right now to have another baby. I am starting to feel a little panicked about how little we have actually done. We had the holidays for most of my second trimester and now that they are over, I keep thinking about how soon we will be welcoming another whole little person into our lives. We have most of what we will need because we have had two babies in the last 4 years... so most of what we need is in the attic... but it is not organized or washed or anything yet. I think it is officially time to get it all together. The problem with that right now is that I need my husband's help to get to all the stuff because it's buried under a bunch of other crap up there. He just doesn't feel the same urgency that I do about it... which stinks. I try to explain to him that a lot of this is my crazy hormones and it would just be easier to give me one good afternoon of moving stuff around and getting it to where I could do it myself.... but he has yet to see the light.

Man, sometimes I wish he could be the one having the baby. I wish he could feel all the crazy ups and downs and sense of immediacy that is pretty much out of his own control. Just for a week... or maybe even a month... and then I think he'd be a little more compassionate... or at the very least just help me do what I feel like I need to do so that I would get off his back about it. The thing is, if I go up there and start moving all that stuff around on my own I would most likely hurt myself and he would get terribly upset that I was so impatient and irresponsible... but I don't think he understands how hard it is to wait right now. I am not the best example of patience right now.

Wow! This post let's you all into the crazy that is my brain right now. I bounced all over the place with this one. I am feeling rather scattered right now in general, so I guess that makes sense.
Even reading through this post makes me feel like ... geez Ruth take a breath and relax!
I'm not crazy every second of every day... but probably more days than I'd like to be right now! I am actually enjoying my pregnancy much more now than I was earlier on when I was feeling sick and more worried. Now that I have reached a good point of viability I feel relieved. And although I don't feel ready to give birth tomorrow.... I probably won't. I still have a good amount of time until this little one will be ready to join us here, but knowing that if something unexpected did occur, the baby would have a good shot at making it helps. Plus, I no longer have a blood clot or any active internal bleeding and knowing that gives me much more peace of mind! I will have another sonogram in about three weeks to check back in with our little one and I am feeling pretty good about what we will see. The strength and length of this new little person are demonstrated to me on a daily basis now... so even if it's not a 10 pounder... I think we've got a good strong healthy one in here!
I hope that you all are having a wonderful new year so far!

Today am grateful that I have set up a support system for myself for after the baby is born... just in case I need a little extra help.
I am thankful that even when I struggle with my own dark thoughts, I am still able to smile and laugh everyday with my kids.
I am thankful that I get to sleep in again tomorrow because I have stayed up way too late writing this post tonight!! : )