It is such a small word, but it carries a lot of weight.
I have been feeling more and more hope for myself lately. That would generally be a good, good thing, but sadly the better and better that I have been feeling about myself, the worse things in my most intimate relationship have become. My husband and I are easily struggling with the hardest part of our growth together so far. Which sadly is saying something in itself, as our lives together have been nothing if not passionate.
Passion is also a word that carries a lot of weight for me. Passion is such an important part of living life to me. If I am not feeling like I am living life to the fullest, it feels like I am lacking something. But passion is a double edged sword to be sure!
The excitement, thrill, and fulfillment can all too easily turn into anger, frustration, and even fear. The pure emotion involved with passion is what makes it so volatile at its core. I had a college professor once who personally thought that passion was something to be ashamed of, he was a philosopher and thought that a life filled with passion was a waste of time and had nothing to do with a life filled with logic and reason, which may or may not be true.
I personally think that a balanced life has a little bit of each! I've never been an all or nothing kind of girl! : ) I want a little bit of everything. A life based on passion, I have found, is one that doesn't have a solid base. A solid base is something that I could really appreciate right now. There needs to be more than just passion, there also has to be respect and a certain level of logic and reason as well.
Right now I am feeling like there is not enough of a solid base in my life. That is a very difficult way to be feeling when you are about to bring another child into the world. I long to feel the stability of a solid relationship, a solid life. My life is anything but that right now... and I am truly struggling with it. It is a very strange thing to be feeling more confident and a little less mixed up on the inside, while seemingly watching my outside life fall apart around me.
The reality of what is going on in my life right now, is not filled with hope or passion.
My husband and I are now seeing someone every week, while also seeing our own person every week. This is A LOT of therapy. It is very intense to say the least! I feel like I am really making headway... and then I go home to where everything is in flux and frustrating. The mutual sessions we have are moving very slowly because the truth is that my husband and I are not on the same page. We are not in the same places right now and I have less and less desire to wait for him to catch up. He is really stuck in the place that he is right now... which would be ok if it wasn't so hurtful to me and my children. But sadly where he is emotionally is pretty destructive and behaviors that once only effected me, have spread out to my kids as well. It is much more difficult to be patient with him when I see our children being hurt by his behavior. I can't help but feel the Mama bear in me come out and refuse to allow it to continue. I know that he is the only one that can change his behavior, but I simply can not allow him to take his time when my family is intimately involved. I am really beginning to think he might have to go somewhere else to work these issues out, where it won't be so hurtful to the rest of us.
Have I mentioned lately that I am having another baby here VERY soon?
The sense of urgency I feel revolving around all of this is IMMEDIATE!!
Just to ease any one's mind there is no physical abuse going on here. The behaviors that I am referring to are all of a verbal and emotional level, which really doesn't make it much better, but no one is in immediate harm. The anger and frustration my husband feels about himself and his life just bubbles out into more and more of his life right now... and it isn't pleasant to watch or be caught up in. He is pretty good at keeping himself in check around the kids, but it is becoming increasingly difficult for him.. and that is my biggest concern. I don't want my kids to see him lose it. I worry about how his anger issues will effect them. My personal compassion for him and his pain is feeling completely depleted. It's not a great way to feel about the man that I love more than anything else. There is not nearly as much hope about the two of us (and our family) making it through this period intact as I had two weeks ago.
There's really nothing that I can think of that could make me feel sadder than all of this right now. This is not the way that I want to welcome my newest little person into the world.. a world filled with sorrow, confusion, and frustration. This is our fourth, so I know all too well what is coming, (complete exhaustion, overwhelming degrees of changes for the entire family, major adjustments to an additional person with needs and LOTS of them for awhile...) and I have to tell you, envisioning things getting worse is not a cheering thought!
With all of that being said, at my core I know that no matter what happens, I will be ok. I will make things ok for my kids. I am nothing, if not a survivor. I have dealt with bad situations in my life over and over again and have come through them a stronger and better person. I know that I am strong enough to deal with anything that life gives me, but I would lying if I said that this was the way I wanted things to be! Right at this moment of writing, I am wishing that at some point I would have already paid my dues and I deserved a little less chaos and maybe a little less pain. I realize that I am indulging in a little bit of self pity, but regardless, I would so take an easier road if I saw one right now!
I am tired and emotionally and physically depleted.
I am in desperate need of some piece of mind.
I wouldn't turn away a fairy godmother right now either... but we all know that I won't be hearing a knock on my door anytime soon. My reality is what it is and I need to do my best to make the best of what it is...
and I'm going to get right on top of doing that...
tomorrow. Today I am giving myself the day to feel the sadness. I am allowing myself to mourn the loss of the fantasy so that tomorrow when I wake up I can deal with what my reality is.
Today I am honestly struggling to feel grateful for much.
But I AM grateful that my baby is healthy and growing well.
I am also thankful that my children are so inspiring to me, even in my darkest hours. I don't know what I would do without them, but I'm glad that is not one of the things I have to worry about!
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