Well, I'd like to tell you all that I had an amazing birthday!
Ever since the very worst birthday ever (well- of my own, I might have recently been dethroned by a blogger friend, Tatts, who sadly wins the title now, that lucky girl!) the hubby actually makes great effort to try and give me a special day. Someday, I'll tell you my bad birthday story, but it's too depressing right now, so maybe next year!
This year my happy, happy involved sleeping in (or at least getting to go back to bed after I had to get up to pee in the early morning, this baby's getting heavy on the old bladder!), eating a leisurely breakfast that I got to make for myself (which is actually a very nice thing because there were no kiddos trying to eat it all or hanging on my legs, because Daddy had already fed them) then I got to walk on my treadmill for a mile and then take a relaxing bath, while the smell of my birthday cake wafted upstairs to the bathroom(and I didn't have to make it!!).
As far as I can tell that morning was just about perfect. The day continued fairly lazily at home, just kind of relaxing. Then I got a nice dinner, made by the man, this year it was Chicken Marsala with Baked Potatoes and Broccoli, followed by cake, ice cream AND a few gifts! Doesn't get much better than that!! None of them big or expensive, but they were all thoughtful, like a set of good measuring cups for baking(which I have been wanting for years), a lemon zester(so I don't have to use the big cheese grater anymore) and a Dymo labeler (which gave me a fun (for me) day project of relabeling all my whole grain jars one day... peeling off the old masking tape ones and having a unified system is something that most people wouldn't care about probably... but my crazy OCD brain was doing back flips of joy over it... really!!). It felt nice that the Mister had gone out of his way to get me a few things that would make me happy... and proved that even though it doesn't seem like it, a lot of the time... he really is listening when I am babbling on about my day. It felt really good to see how well he knows me, because lately it seems like our connection has had some serious glitches in it.
We got the kids to bed at a reasonable time and stayed up to clink wine glasses of Squirt at the stroke of midnight and welcomed in the New Year with some lovely birthday/new years loving which, as pregnant as I am, is not the norm for us right now, that's for sure!
So, I'd say it was a good memory for us... one to hold on to when things are not as calm and peaceful.... like practically every other day since then!!
I am really struggling right now to find my happy place. In my life, I have had some pretty serious struggles, with what I call my darkness. My darkness is full of ugliness and pain, loneliness and abuse of different levels throughout different parts of my past. It is my constant companion. It is not always on the forefront of my mind. Throughout the years I have even managed to forget about it on a conscious level at times, but it has ways of reminding me that it is there. It pops it's ugly head up every once in awhile, just so that I don't forget about its presence. It effects my daily behavior in ways that I don't always recognize and which often aren't on a super healthy level.
I have had A LOT of therapy in my life. I have read A LOT of books about any number of psychological issues, self help books, self esteem building, and so forth. My darkness is WELL COVERED TERRITORY!! But no amount of counseling or self help or even self awareness really stops the darkness. I'm not sure how much of the darkness I am ready to bring to light here on my blog right now, but at the moment it has gotten a pretty good hold on me. I am seeing a therapist every week. And it is helping.... sort of. I go in and I talk about my darkness and I cry. I talk about things going on in my life right now and things that happened a long time ago. I talk about how the things from long ago still effect me and my choices now and I talk about how to make better choices. I talk about what things are and are not in my control. I talk about my fears and pain and worries. I talk about feeling alone and misunderstood and frustrated. I talk about my kids, my husband, and myself.
I talk and talk and talk.
I get tired of talking sometimes.
I talk to my husband... not about my darkness much actually.... although he knows most of the basic facts, I haven't really shared deeply with him about any particular situation or the feelings they bring up or how some of them can haunt me. The truth is that I would love to talk with him about these things, but the man gets overwhelmed when I want to talk about what is happening with us at any given moment and he isn't capable of hearing me... so I don't bother. As it is I talk to him too much.... at least that it how it seems to me, most of the time.
My husband is kind of the quiet brooding type. I used to think that it was intriguing and mysterious... now I find it extremely frustrating. He has such a difficult time connecting to his own emotions and his own darkness, that he couldn't possibly relay it to me. This bothers me to no end. I get tired of trying to figure out what is in his head. I used to joke with him that I wished he had a button on his forehead that I could push to get at the information floating around in there.... now I wonder if there is any at all. I'm not saying that he is dumb.... just that we don't have the same way of thinking about things. I don't think that he has the constant flow of thoughts that I do.
I think A LOT!
I think way too much... about way too many things... generally all at the same time. I am thinking about many different things at any given moment... not just about my darkness past and present but also including all the things that I am trying to keep straight in respect to my daily duties as a Mama.
What's for breakfast, snack, lunch, snack.... ?
when did the kids eat last?
do they really need another snack?
when did Sophia pee last?
has Roscoe sat on the potty recently?
when was his last poop?
are the dishes done?
what's for dinner?
is it defrosting, or should I be prepping something?
are we learning enough today?
what is that awful smell?
why are they crying.... ?
add into that the constant stream of 4 year old conversation... because well the poor thing is my offspring so she literally doesn't stop talking from the moment she wakes up to the moment she goes to bed....
add to that the constant stream of two year old conversation because he also is my offspring and chats merrily away from sunup to sundown as well... but of course with him I don't understand about half of what he says and have to stop everything for a minute... oh about every 5 minutes or so and look at him while he speaks because I have this fantasy that it somehow helps me understand what the heck he's talking about... honestly sometimes I just have to say uh-huh, because I still don't get it.
All of that is probably from about five minutes in my head.
Is it any wonder I am exhausted?
Then add to that the fact that I have constant inner dialogue about what is going on with me and the baby... who is at the stage where she is really pretty interactive now. She moves all the time and is responsive to my touch and voice now. She loves orange juice, clementines, and grapefruit. She obviously gets quite a sugar rush from the citrus because she rocks out in there after I eat them! She is starting to play the poke the belly game, where she kicks and I rub and then I push (gently of course) or rub and she kicks me where she felt the pressure. She gets really active when I get angry(which I must admit is WAY to often lately). I'm not sure if it my adrenaline or the raised voice that make her move.
I am officially in my third trimester now. I think that this is my favorite time, because although I am starting to lose the glorious second trimester energy level, I get much more interaction with my little one now, which is awesome!
I feel completely unprepared right now to have another baby. I am starting to feel a little panicked about how little we have actually done. We had the holidays for most of my second trimester and now that they are over, I keep thinking about how soon we will be welcoming another whole little person into our lives. We have most of what we will need because we have had two babies in the last 4 years... so most of what we need is in the attic... but it is not organized or washed or anything yet. I think it is officially time to get it all together. The problem with that right now is that I need my husband's help to get to all the stuff because it's buried under a bunch of other crap up there. He just doesn't feel the same urgency that I do about it... which stinks. I try to explain to him that a lot of this is my crazy hormones and it would just be easier to give me one good afternoon of moving stuff around and getting it to where I could do it myself.... but he has yet to see the light.
Man, sometimes I wish he could be the one having the baby. I wish he could feel all the crazy ups and downs and sense of immediacy that is pretty much out of his own control. Just for a week... or maybe even a month... and then I think he'd be a little more compassionate... or at the very least just help me do what I feel like I need to do so that I would get off his back about it. The thing is, if I go up there and start moving all that stuff around on my own I would most likely hurt myself and he would get terribly upset that I was so impatient and irresponsible... but I don't think he understands how hard it is to wait right now. I am not the best example of patience right now.
Wow! This post let's you all into the crazy that is my brain right now. I bounced all over the place with this one. I am feeling rather scattered right now in general, so I guess that makes sense.
Even reading through this post makes me feel like ... geez Ruth take a breath and relax!
I'm not crazy every second of every day... but probably more days than I'd like to be right now! I am actually enjoying my pregnancy much more now than I was earlier on when I was feeling sick and more worried. Now that I have reached a good point of viability I feel relieved. And although I don't feel ready to give birth tomorrow.... I probably won't. I still have a good amount of time until this little one will be ready to join us here, but knowing that if something unexpected did occur, the baby would have a good shot at making it helps. Plus, I no longer have a blood clot or any active internal bleeding and knowing that gives me much more peace of mind! I will have another sonogram in about three weeks to check back in with our little one and I am feeling pretty good about what we will see. The strength and length of this new little person are demonstrated to me on a daily basis now... so even if it's not a 10 pounder... I think we've got a good strong healthy one in here!
I hope that you all are having a wonderful new year so far!
Today am grateful that I have set up a support system for myself for after the baby is born... just in case I need a little extra help.
I am thankful that even when I struggle with my own dark thoughts, I am still able to smile and laugh everyday with my kids.
I am thankful that I get to sleep in again tomorrow because I have stayed up way too late writing this post tonight!! : )