3.) Write about one of the most difficult decisions you have made in your life.
4.) Share the best picture you took last month and explain why it's your favorite.
So, my first reaction to these prompts was to have this picture pop into my head...One of our favorite things to do in this house is to snuggle up on the couch together. We don't do it nearly as much as we should... because life gets busy... but right here... this is the good stuff!
I think that it is pretty obvious why this would be my favorite. I love my kids more than anything... and this picture has all three of them, displaying their very unique personalities!!
1)Emily- just lovely, the glowing smile, she and her brother are holding hands... and there is something about that face that just makes me happy! : )
2) Roscoe- those big beautiful blues (ignore the seemingly constant shiner healing under one of them! he's a bruiser!)... those crazy sticky-outy Putnam ears... he is named after my grandfather, and his son(my uncle, who passed away right after my sweet boy was born) and little did I know that giving him that name, bestowed upon him the FAMILY ears!! They are one of my favorite of his features, because they give him character, and I think they are adorable...of course I'll give you that I am fairly biased!! ; ) Plus, you might have to know him to see it, but in this shot you can just see that he is plotting something naughty!
3)Sophia- that is Sophia to the T. BIG and LOUD! She is a child who lives life hard. Whether it's the good times or the bad... she feels everything very deeply. It's just her nature. Now that I am seeing how trying Emily's puberty has already been(Emily the essence of calm and balance)... I live in fear... really... serious FEAR, of Sophia in 10 years!! I think that my mother might get her not so secret desire, that I have a child like me, with that girl!
3) Write about one of the most difficult decisions you made in your life.
This is the other one stands out to me more than the rest.
The decision that I will choose was both the hardest AND (once I listened to my heart) the easiest decision I have ever made. It changed my life forever. It is probably the single most important decision that I ever made as well.... because it started a long (and somewhat painful) process of healing myself, from the inside out.
I'm talking about the decision to birth and keep my daughter, Emily. Without getting too deep into the badness that was me at the time of her conception, I can say that I was at my lowest point, which is saying something, for me! ; )
I, like my Sophia, lived life hard. I felt things deeply, from the times of my earliest memories. I struggled with my body, being in my own skin, and inside my own head. By the time I was 16, I had been in rehab 3times(suicide,12, alcoholic coma 14, crystal meth 14- had my 15th birthday in rehab...oh yeah it was a partay!)... I actually started to settle down with my bad self for awhile... got into an"alternative" high school, and even technically graduated a semester early. Even though I had just turned 17, by this time both my mom and I knew it was just better for me to move out. She payed my rent with my Dad's child support and I lived in a little apartment, 90 miles away, and went to Beauty school because my mom wanted me to have a "skill". Things went well for awhile... but after a year or so... I started back up with my old bad habits and wasn't treating myself or body very well. I started a downward spiral... that quickly and very, very quietly spun completely out of control. Looking back now, I seriously wonder if I had some kind of chemical imbalance... it makes sense, I ate Chef Boyardee or something like it, if at all...and partied for the rest of my diet. The closer I was to people around me, the less I felt like I could talk to them... I remember thinking... I am totally going crazy.... I'm crazy, what is happening to me?
So, I ran away.
from my friends, my family, my life, my pain (or so I hoped) my sweet dear little kitty who had just had babies... just bolted. mature? no! but I do think that it saved my life. I was suicidal and really messed up enough to do it.. and it wasn't for attention.. it was because I didn't see any reason to continue the struggle of life.(yeah, and I wonder, where oh where, my kids get their inner drama queen from, right?) So I go on what I think in my head is my last trip to see a dear friend in Seattle.
I get there on his doorstep.. never calling or anything and he is so sweet and happy to see me... and for a week I pretend that I'm visiting... and I remember what it is like to laugh again... have fun... feel...
but then it's the end of the week and I make sure to leave for the "aiport" when he's working so he won't see me off (pre-9/11, so you could still go back with folks)... and just start to wander... I go to a seedy hotel with my last cash to"end it all"... and just can't do it... start... have some very faint scars still... but just can't do it... feel like a failure...
I can't even kill myself right...
so I'm on the streets.....scared, hungry, cold, alone, confused...NOT having sex for money(not that people didn't assume and try) so really broke...
hitchhiking, to go anywhere... I had to leave the city because I felt like I would bump into my friend and I didn't want to have to explain that I was a dumbass...
fast forward a couple of weeks...
I'm picking flowers on an off-ramp because as I am hitching, I get let off on a highway... this cop drives by and tells me I can't do that... I have to be on the off ramp... and then circles to make sure I stay there... I wasn't doing anything illegal... so he couldn't do anything about it... but he didn't want me on the highway...
so I get picked up, by a very attractive older man, who asks if I'm hungry and offers to buy me something to eat...of course I'm a dumbass, and so I say no thanks, but how about a pack of cigarettes.... he stops and buys me a pack... and some food. He was nice.. he wasn't lecherous. He was actually nice. He didn't try to get me drunk and offer lewd things... just nice.
So we talked, and hung out...and we connected somehow..it was easy to talk with him. He called some friends, a hippie couple with a little girl... and they let me stay the night... and the next day he helped me get into a shelter for women. He took care of me, in a kind way. We spent time together and ended up being somewhat of a couple.
Now let me tell you NOW when I think about it and he was sort of lecherous, right? I mean he was much older than me... but really, at the time it didn't seem creepy... at first... whatever he came into my life at a time when I was totally lost...I had nothing or no one... and he helped me... sort of... we would go out and play cribbage with his friends... go to BBQ's... he bought me cigarettes... at this point in my life two months and social gatherings together made this a VERY serious relationship! Then things started to get weird for me... I met a very nice woman at the shelter who was trying to get into my brain.. where had I come from?... didn't anyone miss me?... wasn't there anyone who I should tell that I was ok?
fast forward two months... time in the shelter was almost up... these are temporary homes... and with out a time limit people get comfortable and won't leave on there own (trust me...on that one)... I was terrified of contacting anyone that I knew... because I was embarrassed that I had lost my shit. This woman came in every weekend... she was a volunteer from some church... doing charitable work, by going to the shelter and helping out doing whatever needed done.... but she had taken an interest in me...and worked on me until finally I said that I would write me friend in Seattle a letter. I did. He called me at the shelter the day he got the letter.... saying please come back... I've been so worried... everyone is looking for you... why didn't you tell me? I guess that my letter had explained to him enough that he (being the amazing guy he is) wasn't mad at me at all... just really worried. So, I left the shelter... went back to Seattle. No good bye... just left... I didn't think that it would matter.
fast forward two more weeks... no period... go to a clinic..and my suspicions were right... I was PREGNANT!! I hadn't even contacted my family yet...
****cue the entry of the SPECTACULAR PURPLE VOMIT******
ok not in this story but in my life right now... as I was writing this last night I all of a sudden hear MAMA...MAMamamamamaaaaa..... I run upstairs to find my Sophia in bed crying, her bed and face and hands, covered in the brightest, most frightening purple colored vomit I have ever seen... we had berries for dessert last night... and I just don't have the leisure time to finish the post... I want to give it my all and I just can't right now... so I will finish it as soon as I can.. I'm thinking tonight? I'm hoping that the pukefest will have ended by then...and I will be able to come and focus on my story.
sorry guys..and thanks for reading until now! : )
Today I am thankful that Sophia can aim into a bucket when she is ISN'T sleeping! (I'll try to be thankful for something deeper next post ... right now I'll take what I can get! ew....)