Thank you, Emily!

15 years ago (tomorrow) I became a mother.

My amazing daughter Emily joined the world and helped me to become a better person on March 14, 1995 at about 11:30 PM.

Before I had my daughter I was incredibly self-absorbed. I was a teenager (late teens, 20 by the time she was born, but still a teenager)... a teenager with issues even, so of course it was natural to be that way. I don't spend a lot of time in my life feeling regret. I generally do pretty well, making conscious decisions and knowing that once I have there's rarely an opportunity to turn back, so no since in feeling regret, right? But sometimes I do falter. Every once in awhile I will think back and wonder... what if...

...what if I had decided NOT to have baby at the age of 19, when I didn't have anything at all? Not a place to live, a supportive family, or even any friends at the time (the fact that I had pushed everyone away didn't really matter... HOW I got where I was, was much less significant than the fact that I was there...) and the simple answer for myself is that I truly don't think that I would be alive today. If I had gone through with the abortion as planned, I am completely convinced I would have spiraled into a suicidal behavior pattern that would have led to my death probably sooner rather than later.

The simple, singular decision to carry this little life to term, changed my life forever. For the better, and there is not a single day that goes by that I think I made the wrong choice. My daughter is the best thing that ever happened to me. I have been blessed with the opportunity to guide the most beautiful and amazing soul I have ever met. What an honor it is. I have never met anyone like her and I doubt that I ever will. She was a gift to me. She has given me the ability to look outside of myself. She has helped me to keep going in times that have been fraught with pain, loneliness, and struggle. She has given me the strength to look back in my life and try to heal my damaged heart and soul. She has given me more than I ever knew that she would on that day that I decided that I couldn't end her life before it had even started. And for that I want to thank her.

Thank Emily.

Thank you for being my daughter.

Thank you for teaching me how to love.

Thank you for making it so easy to love and open my heart in a way that I never knew was possible.

Thank you for teaching me how to be more patient, with myself and others.

Thank you for being you, and all the wonderful things that you are.

Thank you for loving me back.

I love you more than I could ever explain or express and nothing makes me happier than being your mother.

I love you kid!!!

{Sadly, I guess part of being almost 15 is that she is much harder to capture on film right now! I have so many more of the little ones who spend all day long with me everyday. This is the most recent picture I could find (where she wasn't in pj's and would NOT be ok with me posting them) of her and it was a picture I took over my head when she came up and gave me a hug from behind! Pretty good for an ambush photo, I think ! : )

I'm sure that I will get some good ones tomorrow on her birthday, but I'm glad I saw how few pictures I have of her recently... I will start to remedy that issue today!! }

Today I am grateful that I have a wonderful daughter who gives me such joy!

I am thankful that through all the changes in my life over the last 15 years, the one constant thing has been the love we share with each other.

I am thankful that as our relationship continues to grow and change, we have such a solid base of love and respect for each other. I hope that never falters!

October used to be my favorite month...

Fall.
I LOVE Fall!
I love the cooler weather, the harvesting of all the work we've done over the summer in our garden, the fall treats... like everything pumpkin(pie, muffins, breads, butter, the list goes on and on...) and warm comforting drinks...
I can not tell you how much I enjoy watching the leaves change. It is, to me, the world reminding us that everything continually changes, and although we might have been enjoying the the phase we were in, we shouldn't mourn it's passing too much, because the next one has endless possibilities full of wonder, beauty, and joy as well!

When my husband and I got engaged, I knew right away that the wedding should be in October. October 16th was the date to be exact, the perfect time for a beautiful Fall wedding. The leaves are usually in their peak of brightness and variety of colors. The weather is cool, but often nice enough to have an outdoor ceremony. We booked a location within a local park with lots of trees, a good open area for the ceremony, and a farmhouse with a kitchen in the basement and a huge dance floor on the main floor. We never made it to our wedding, although we(my daughter, Al, and I) did go there that day and have our own little party to celebrate, because we eloped instead. We ran off to Las Vegas and got married on Leap Day 2004. I will never regret that decision for many reasons, but mostly because I am married to the love of my life and we have proven to ourselves that our life will be full of passion and sometimes somewhat rash but usually good decisions... but I do think about it still around this time of year. I will also never regret that we didn't get married in October because now it is the BUSIEST month in our whole year!
When we were pregnant with our first child her due date was actually October 14th the next year. She is a stubborn little thing (since birth) and waited until the 29th to join our family, just three days shy of her father's birthday on the first of November. Yes, she was actually 15 days late! She arrived on the very last day she could without having to be born in a hospital (you usually can't deliver at the birth center after 14 days postdates, but they gave me over the weekend because they knew how badly I didn't want to be in the hospital... and she came late that Saturday night). Our second child together had a due date of October 2nd or 3rd(how terrible that I don't actually remember!). He is much easier going by nature (since birth as well) and only decided to make us wait until the 12th. Apparently, January is a good(or bad depending on your perspective) month for fertility! I say this not only because we have two children in October, but because we also have my Aunt's birthday on the 8th, my grandmother on the 17th, my sister on the 22nd, a good friend on the 25th, and my husband on the first of November... ok not technically October by REALLY close... close enough to make this the absolute busiest birthday month of the year!!
So, when I stop and think about it, I realize that it is true that everything happens for a reason although you might not understand it at the time... if we had our anniversary in October it would get completely lost in the holiday madness that is my October now (because let's not forget Halloween right in between Sophia and Al, which requires ridiculous amounts of work and planning, if I am ever going to manage costume making into this incredibly hectic month!)!!

So, I still enjoy October, Fall, and all the things that are brought to mind during this time of year.. but now I enjoy them a little more in November... after Al's birthday and before Thanksgiving, when I have a little more time to actually relax and ponder them!

And on a personal note, I am doing much better than the last time that I posted. I am feeling much less morning sickness, thank goodness! I am also feeling as though I can enjoy my pregnancy a bit more and not feel quite as much worry, now that I am solidly into my second trimester. I still have days when I think about what may have been, but truthfully, I am so busy that I don't have much time to dwell right now. I am feeling pretty much at peace with what has happened and just feel grateful to be where I am now.

Today was my son's second birthday. It was hectic and crazy, but in a good way. We had a great day and he felt like a king for the day. Everywhere we went, he told everyone he could, that it was his birthday and being the handsome and fairly charming little man that he is, people were pretty kind and gracious with him and his somewhat overly enthusiastic announcements that "IT'S MY BIRTHDAY.... I TWO.... I TWO ON MY BIRTHDAY!!"
We all went to see the Toy Story double feature in 3D... fun, but a SERIOUS commitment to watching movies! I don't feel the need to be in a theater for a long time at this point! He slept on me for the last 45 minutes or so of the second film (which I loved because he is still my baby!)
He got the dinner of his choice: Hamburgers, Tater tots, and Homemade Mac and Cheese, with Pumpkin Pie for dessert. He got to blow out his birthday wish candle and did it all by himself this year. He got to open presents and only got a little help from his bigger sister! ; ) I think he went to bed a very tired, but completely satisfied little boy! And of course that is all I want for him on any given day, so I say Mission Complete! : )

I have received two awards since my last post and as always appreciate them ... so thank you! I have good intentions of responding to them appropriately, but have been a little overwhelmed with present making, in combination with a spider costume I am trying to pull out of my brain consisting of coat hangers, fluff, black fabric, and a turtleneck... I might have more on that later if I can pull it off. I am making it up as I go.. so I'm hoping I can, since I have a very determined (almost) 4 year old expecting her mama to pull through for her... wish me luck on that! We also have a party for the both of the kids this Saturday, which is also spider themed and we have been making all different kinds of decorations and such.. also hoping to post about them... before they are obsolete... but I am only posting tonight because I am having a hard time coming down from a busy day and am up much later than is probably wise for my sanity tomorrow!! : )

and on that note....my dear good friends... thank you for your patience in my posting. I hope to have more in the near future... but I guess we'll see just how manic I get! ; )

Today I am thankful that I have been blessed with the sweetest, most beautiful boy I know. HAPPY BIRTHDAY BABY!!
I am grateful for the fall weather and changes it is bringing.
I am grateful that I have a house so full of love that it can sometimes overwhelm me... but usually in a good way! ; )

Emily's 14th Birthday

Hellooooooo!

yes I know.. I have been a very bad little monkey! AGAIN!!

I have had several things going on recently. The best of which was that my oldest, Emily, had her "special" birthday. She turned 14 on the 14th of March. I had built this thing up to enormous proportions in my head, and she had as well, so being the crazy person that I am, I ended up feeling a little overwhelmed and slightly wacky for a little while... which leads into one of the other things going on here... hernia BADNESS!!

It was really ok until the day of Emily's birthday, at which point my body told me in no uncertain terms...CHILL OUT WOMAN!! I'm convinced that one of the reasons I have this thing is because I sometimes need a very dramatic reminder that I need to breathe, and relax, and not try to control the entire universe! : )

I know, of course, that in reality I have no control whatsoever, but that doesn't make it any easier to stop and just let things happen sometimes!

So, I was able to push through and ignore that I was in pain for her day... and it ended up being the best day ever for her(and so also for me)! HOORAY! I would do it all over again to see the look of joy on her face throughout.the.entire.day. She is very good at not needing huge amounts of attention... with two younger siblings, but that one day was ALL about her..and honestly who doesn't want(and need) that every once in awhile? : )

So, I will say one more thing about my bad, bad hernia... it stinks! A LOT!! The day after Emily's birthday I went down hard, for two days. I just couldn't push through it for another minute it felt like. I know that stress effects me physically very hard, especially as far as GI stuff goes, so it wasn't a big shock. Annoying, yes, but shocking, no.

It is frustrating beyond my comprehension (and I don't think people get it, unless they themselves have had to deal with it) when my body refuses to do what it is told and takes matters into it's own hands. It is like when I have been put on bed rest during my pregnancies... everyone jokes and says how great it must be to NOT HAVE to do anything, but anyone who has experienced the frustration of not being ALLOWED to do anything knows... it's just not fun. Plus, I am the one who runs this household, and much to the amazement of my own husband, who just can't understand why things are so messy and out of control when I am down and out... I do a heck of a lot around here... every single day... shoot pretty much every minute, and often late into the night... It is a never ending chore to keep a house running smoothly! I know that some of you know what I am talking about! I sometimes think my hernia is the universe's way of reminding my dear hubby how good he's got it when I'm on top of my game. He is always flabbergasted(to my deep frustration as well) how much more he has to do when I am down... (to which I try NOT to respond with..um yeah, DUH!! how exactly did you think things were being done.. magic? no dear it is hard work... constant, hard, fairly unappreciated, and sometimes tedious work. sprinkled with LOTS of patience and a good amount of humor, the more self-deprecating the better! not one of my hubby's strong suits, by the way!)

Anyway, I am waiting for my surgery to be scheduled, as we speak... wouldn't you know it as soon as I decide enough is enough, I need to get it done.. well there are several emergency surgeries through out the week , and now the doctor is going on vacation. bummer. I don't begrudge the man a vacation, I'm sure he earns and deserves them... just a little funny to me how things work out generally for me in my life! : )

So with all that info out of my head... back to Emily!

Her birthday went really well, because it was mostly mellow. We had a chill day together the kids and I and then we all went out to dinner and met my sister and family there. We went to a teppan yaki place where they cook the food in front of you. We had gone there a few times before usually for her birthday. It was ok, but at one point I got pretty grumpy, because we had forgotten about the St Patrick's Day parade which here is a big stinking deal.... if one more drunk person knocked into me without saying excuse me or sorry...I was going to scream... but Emily had fun and that is all that mattered! I do NOT think that I will go to this particular place again, because I made the reservation 2 weeks in advance but we were in an awful part right near the bar and they knew that we were having high chairs...so maybe they could 've put us in the back away from the ruckus... but instead they put more drunk people there and spread the crazy all over the place. I did speak to the manager about it.. but it was too busy for him to care..which is why I was a little tense.. but all in all if the kid had fun... it's all good... I guess. Atleast there is no smoking in restaurants here.. that would have been the final straw.

After that we went home for ice cream cake and finally presents( poor girl had to wait all day!). She got a bunch of new clothes from her aunt and a few things from us. When I gave her the book, she got a little teary eyed...and just said..wow, I didn't know that many people cared about me. To which I replied with a smile...yeah I knwo that was kind of the point! : )

I ended up getting responses from all but one relative(who truth be told I didn't want to participate anyway, but was trying to be cool about it... I guess she doesn't like me either... it all worked out!) And then 15 out of 22 friends. It turned out lovely, and she loves it and that made all the late nights totally worth it! : )

Then everyone left, the babies and Al went to bed, and Emily and I designed two henna designs together, and I put it on her hands, while we watched a movie together and talked. It came out beautifully and it turned out to be a great day for everyone involved.

yay!

I have some shots of the days activities and my sweet (not so little) girl.

Happy birthday kid! : )

the fam at dinner, BIL,sister, the kid, and her cousin.

she got a sparkler in her ice cream... fun way to end the evening! : )

me and my sister

the birthday girl. mid-present opening

the little girl cousins

Uncle Tim and ROscoe, there was a lot of hugging that day!: )

the book : )

the henna, when it was still wet

the henna has to dry on your hands for at least 6 hours... so after it dried she put gloves over her hands and went to bed. we flaked it off the next morning.

this was what it looked like right after we got it all off.

the next day it was MUCH darker.

this is what she did when I said let me see your hands for a picture to show how dark it is... you wonder why she is interested in theatre! she is a natural born drama queen! : )

Today I am thankful that my daughter enjoyed her special day!

I am grateful that she felt special and joyous... HAPPY BIRTHDAY BABY!!

I LOVE YOU!!

My big project for Emily

So I have been working on this idea for Emily, for awhile now...
The idea was small at first, and then it grew... I would pick up a pack of stationary here and there.. you know if I get things little by little it doesn't seem as pricey, right? : )
Anyway, I sent out a letter to many women in my life who have meant something to me... who I've learned from...
I got these beautiful cards (for cheap) not realizing that the square shape would personally irritate the post office... did you even know there was such thing as a 62c stamp? I didn't... but apparently they save it for naughty people whose envelopes don't conform to the sorter or something...
I'm a bad, bad girl.
anyway, what I sent to everyone was a pretty note card, areturn envelope, and a letter explaining and asking them to remember being 14... and to write a note to Emily ..some kind of advice...or something funny...
I want to hand Emily a book of knowledge.
A book of information from women, to welcome her into womanhood. So far I have gotten 8 back. I think that I sent out 37 in all. I sent out a pre-stamped address and a beautiful little card that I picked up... so that they have something to write it on.
Every one's note has been different so far... and that is why I think it will be so cool.
I wrote to a lot of the aunts and grandmas and great grandma.... so there will be a family section. and then a bunch of women friends.
I hope that most people will return the envelopes.
I am going to attach all these notes into a journal, and give it to her. I haven't found it yet, but in my head it has fairly heavy paper, like sketch paper...and I'm hoping to find a cover made with pressed flowers.. or something... like I said in my head, that is how I saw it from the beginning... and I haven't found it just yet... but I will.
I'm hoping to go shopping tomorrow.. but we'll see...
I hope that this will be something that she will treasure for a long time.. even if she doesn't appreciate it as much right now. I'm not sure if she will get it or not... but I'm hoping she will.
So that is my big project... it sounds not as big written down, but I guess it turned big because when I envisioned it... I didn't realize how much work it would be.. but now I am idle waiting for the returns to come in.. I should have sent them out way before I did.. but with birthday mania and all the holidays.. things got busy!
ok short tonight because I need some sleep!

Tonight I am thankful that I thought of this project.
and hopeful that it will turn out like the one in my head!! : )

Wow- How about some holidays!?!

Well, when I started this blog I had great plans... and some of them have worked.. just not actually ON the blog!! : )

The main purpose was to help myself be aware of the good stuff... and there has been so much of it lately, I have really just not had time to come on here and talk about it!

I have done so many fun projects and had so much joy that I couldn't even write about it...

I wanted to tell people about all the cool crafts and have nice pictures... but instead I just enjoyed them myself...so sorry for going away, but I'm trying to come back...and I did take pictures...so maybe I'll put some of them up at a later date.. time will tell!! : )

Our Christmas was great! We had a good holiday around here... we just took down our tree tonight. We had it for over a month. I loved that tree and I was a little sentimental about taking it outside... but tomorrow is recycle day and our tree is getting recycled..so it's all good!

The best part about not having the tree is having a lot more space to play... which around our casa es muy importante!

The holidays are always busy...

We have Al's mom, Donna, over Christmas Eve for dinner, which this year was an apple,/cranberry/cornbread stuffed pork loin(which the hubby made by himself while I was finishing gifts!!... way to go AL, it was awesome!!), veggies and mashed potatoes and gift exchange.



Then we have our own christmas morning here at the house.




and THEN we go to my sister's for the afternoon and dinner.


this is a picture of the girls before we left for Auntie Suzie's house... looking sweet... of course!









a picture of the hubby and Yazzle Dazzle... ok his name is Yaz... I just like to add name flair! ; )


Sophia opening some jammies!









Roscoe playing peek-a-boo .. his very favorite game!

This is a picture of the kids just hanging out and coloring.... and the baskets that my sister got from us with all my handmade jellies, plus another one with cookies, crackers, cream cheese, pumpkin bread, and a pomander! : )


PLUS this year my mom who lives out in the desert across the country, decided to visit the day after Christmas!



My mom and my sister, and her daughter Josie at dinner.




I caught Chet smiling... he hates picture taking.. but I got him!! : )















We had them over to dinner at our house... luckily, Emily was staying out with my sister because as you can see we have a very weeny table! I like to think of it as cozy... : )
oh, Al made Chicken Broccoli Alfredo..YUM!!!

















some loving before we headed home, from my sister's...

It was so very nice to see them(my mom and step-dad)... it added to the stress, but it was totally worth it! She had never met our son.. it had been 3 years since we had physically seen each other. We see each other in pictures and email and phone conversations... but, of course, it isn't the same. Now, truth be told, when I moved away it took a little while to really wish we were closer... but as we get older I think we relate to our parents more and more.... at least that has been my experience. I can see how some of the things she needed to do for herself, were just that, not malicious things against me, but selfish(even neccesary selfish acts) , and we are afterall just human! Now, I think that my mom is pretty cool... and wouldn't mind seeing her a lot more often. It did take over 2000 miles and about 8 years to feel it this much though!! : )

Two incredibly cool things happened during my mom's visit.
1) My mom told me I turned out alright.
2) I had an epiphany about love.

Now some of you might not get how big of a deal it was for my mom to tell me I was cool... but the short story is... we struggled a lot to come to terms with each other's personalities for a long time. We had rough teenage years, which turned into an interesting relationship when I became a mother at 20.... and which now after time, talking, and growth (on both of our parts) has become a mutual respect for each other. I have always loved my mom... but I actually like her a lot now...and that's a great feeling! It was especially nice to hear her say the same to me... in a crowded room with everyone around and no one, maybe not even my mom, realized what a big deal it was when she looked me in the eye and said "I don't know, kid... I think you turned out ok... you turned out pretty damn good if you ask me.." i actually got misty over it. Ok I had had a beer, but honestly that's pretty flipping nice coming from my mom! : ) It's funny it actually reminds me of when the farmer says to Babe..."that'll do pig... that'll do..." there's just more meaning when people don't say as much sometimes...(did I totally date myself with that movie?)

and on to the second thing... not the first time I have thought this, but it hit me incredibly hard during her visit.
LOVE- the down low on love is simply this...it makes people better when it is right. My love for my husband has, at times been hard, at times been euphoric, and has by far changed me more than any other love in my life. That's saying a lot because I have been a mother for almost 14 years now...and the love that I feel for my children is unexplainable(except to other parents)... but the love for my kids is an extension of myself... the love that I have for my husband intertwines me with him... in a completely different way. I can't explain really what I mean, but as much as sometimes I want to throttle him ( oh yeah, there are definitely days) I honestly can't imagine my life with out him. I could do it... but I wouldn't want to.

I think that my stepdad and mom have the same thing. He has mellowed her in a way that I never thought possible. He is to her what my man is to me... and it's a beautiful thing. I never got to know him well. I wasn't around when they met, already on own, but I always thought he was good for her. Seeing them together was just nice because they compliment each other so well.

I guess I just realized that I love him too... for loving my mom the way he does... she's a bit of a handful that woman!

man... I think things got away from me!
I meant to just come on and say a few words, but now three days and nights and many pictures later... here we are!
...the point was just to get back started on blogging again...
I guess that's why I do this.. I have a big mouth!! :)

I have A LOT of craft-tasticness to share with you all. I'm not sure when I will have time to put them all up, but I will be on again soon. Now that the holidays are settling down, I will have more time again! (I hope!)

Did I mention that it was also my birthday?..... on New Year's Eve?
oh yeah, and that I actually won Pam's Give-Away!
...beautiful scarf, right?




















For my birthday I went out with my hubby... and we had a blast!





I actually BEAT him at darts(that HAS NEVER HAPPENED!!) We went out the night before to avoid the crowds, because I am getting old : ), and also because I am selfish and like my birthday to be about me and not the entire world starting a brand new year!(I know I'm needy like that!!)




The second picture is at the site of our very first kiss...long story, I'm sure I'll tell someday, but we were not dating, and didn't date for another 6 months, but I for one walked away from it thinking about him in a special way from there on out... and I get a little sentimental about that first kiss. I was dating someone else(that I actually really cared for) at the time...and had never done anything like that before (kissing someone when dating someone else)... I cried the rest of the night, because I felt so bad...AND because I felt that kiss from the top of my head to the bottom of my toes...and wasn't sure what to do with the situation...
well, it turned out ok in the end, we'll be having our 5th anniversary next month... it just took a little while for the right things to happen. But I still maintain that I knew from that first kiss. The hairs on my neck still stand up when I think about it! : )
Ah, love...and the things we'l do for it!!

My birthday being on New Year's Eve has always put a lot of pressure on the day for me... it's just a little heavy to have two significant times be on the same day. The new year is my new year, no second chances... this is it.
Sometimes, I get sad about my birthday, and getting older, but for some reason this year I can say...
I'M THIRY-FOUR AND OWNING IT!!!!
as you can tell by this late night photo...yeah, that's right I AM a delicate flower... what?!?



I hope that everyone had a fabulous holiday season, and has the same feeling of good things acomin' in the new year!!


Tonight I am thankful for family.
I am thankful for the opportunity to get a little closer to my parents.
I am thankful that I kicked Al's butt in darts!! : )
I am thankful that we truly enjoyed the holidays this year!
I am thankful that I turned 34 and not only wasn't sad about it, but ROCKED IT OUT!!
I am thankful that I finally got this post done!
(so what if it's three days later, right?)