7 weeks later...

Not a single post in over 7 weeks!
I can't believe it!

{ I should start by saying that this seriously started out being titled 4 weeks later.... yikes!
I might also mention that since this has taken me over 3 weeks to actually finish, it ended up getting longer than I probably "should" post... but whatever... my blog isn't about rules... it's my outlet! I now return you to your regular programming. : ) }

It is incredible how fast the time flies! I feel like I had 4 more kids instead of just one! I am often overwhelmed with the madness of it all. And I don't even mean overwhelmed in a crying heap in the corner kind of way (although I have my moments), I just mean in a holy crap, I have so many things to do in any given moment, kind of way.

I feel like things are starting, just starting to seem a little more reasonable. We made it to the park today again(sooo much fun!), and I even went and walked the reservoir last night ALL.BY.MYSELF!!! That, btw, was awesome and I am hoping to do it as often as possible.
I'd love it every day, but I'll take 3-5 days a week for now. I was only gone a half hour round trip, so I think that's pretty good. As time goes on I'll be able to leave for even longer periods of time. I look forward to that too, but for now Alora needs her a lot of Mama lovin!! : )

I wish that I was at a place that I could come on here and post more often. I miss it. But I am happy just to be able to eat right now, and occasionally get to pee by myself... but not often! : )
If I had laptop that would be nice, because then I could write the posts while nursing. But I don't have that many quiet times whiles she nurses because of the other rascals. I often make sandwiches or try to clean up while she eats out of necessity. She isn't a super crazy, every second nurser, like Sophia was, except for when she is having a growth spurt... but since that has been most of her life so far... it seems like all the time.

She is so sweet though. She is super mellow most of the time. And although she nurses often because she is still so little, she sleeps soundly at times and has the capability to completely relax, which is very cute and nice for everyone when it occurs. She smiles now and it lights up her whole face. She looks kind of grumpy when she's not smiling, just like her brother. Her birthmark, which is a lot like Sophia's, looks like an angel to me... or quite possibly a squirrel! : ) We'll see how it changes as she grows. Her sister and brother still love her beyond belief. They want to hold her and kiss her every minute of the day. For the most part Alora likes the attention, except for every once in awhile, and I guess we all want to breath our own air sometimes! : )

Let's see, what else has been going while I was away?

Since I posted about her birth A LOT of things have happened around our house... I guess that is always the case. I don't know when it happened, but somehow I turned into that annoying girl at work who ALWAYS had some kind of drama going on. You know the one I'm talking about, she always had some story and usually it wasn't her fault, but ALWAYS there was drama(even if there wasn't) to be talked about to anyone and everyone that would listen...

I honestly don't thrive on it... it just seems like there is always something going on lately. Maybe this is my karma for silently judging those girls as drama queens... I'm not sure.

So let me fill you in on our latest drama and you can judge me as you see fit! :P

A week after Alora was born, Al was putting the two middle kids to bed when he realized he had forgot to grab socks. The socks were downstairs NOT getting folded or paired or put away, because no one can fold the socks like Mama does(ahem...).
So he ran downstairs quickly to grab them. I was in my chair, nursing the baby. He had been downstairs for about 30 seconds when we heard the most horrible thunk followed by an ear piercing scream. We both ran upstairs immediately. I got there right after Al did and knew just from looking at her that Sophia was broken. I went in and tried to calm her down by hugging her(baby still at my breast) and trying to sooth her, but she was inconsolable for a few minutes. After a minute we were able to get her to stop crying and take a good look at her and I could tell by the way she held her arm that she had to go to the hospital.
It turns out that although we have rules about Roscoe not being allowed on the top bunk, Dad usually lets them get up there together right before bed, and when he ran downstairs they started to bounce on the bed(one reason for the rule). Roscoe bounced Sophia right off the bed. She fell onto her face(there was a huge bruise on her face and you could see where her entire face had just whacked the ground), she had tried to protect her face with her arm and the pressure cracked the bone. She and Dad went off to the emergency room and 4 hours later she came home with a bright orange cast on her left arm.

The worst part is that this is actually the SECOND time she broke her left arm!! I swear the neighbors think we beat her or something... The first time she and I were walking up the stairs when she slipped. I was going up behind her(5 months pregnant with Roscoe at the time), but I had my hands full of laundry and although I dropped it and tried, I wasn't able to catch her. She went right between my legs, and I actually lost my balance and almost fell right on top of her. She fell down about 4 stairs and broke her arm up by her elbow. This time the fracture is by the wrist. Poor kid! I tell her that she is going to have the strongest left arm bone of anyone she knows! : )

She, by the way, is (now) absolutely fine. She did great with the cast and it didn't seem to bother her at all. I think it bothered us more than her! The biggest problem was that she couldn't play in the mud and get completely filthy, like usual. She got the cast off on Monday and we were all excited about that! : )

The next major drama, I think, was 4 days after Sophia had broken her arm.
Alora was 2 weeks old at the time.
Al was so tired while he was driving home he fell asleep while driving home from work!! He was trying to do so much to help things run smoothly, that he forgot to take the best care of himself.
He says it felt like he closed his eyes for just a second, but that's all it takes.
He drifted over the rumple strips and into the median. The median at the point he hit was like a really tall chain link fence. He hit several before he regained control. The car was a 1999, and was determined a complete loss by the insurance company.
The truth is there was a lot of body damage(the roof, the left front end, the windshield on the left side). BUT, it was still drivable and no engine damage, so we had been hoping to get it fixed. The insurance company did give us a fair price. Blue book minus our deductible, so it worked out.

The scariest part of the whole thing, was thinking of all the "what if" situations that COULD have happened. You know like, he hit someone else.. with kids in the back... or run into the back of a truck(which there are many on his commute). That he could have been hurt badly and not been able to work.. or of course taken some one's life or lost his own life.

I feel very grateful that all that was damaged was a car. It was a reminder that everyday is precious. It was a reminder to take better care of ourselves as parents, because without us, the kids can not be ok on their own. It shook me up quite a bit, but it could have been SO much worse. We ended up going about a month with only the minivan. It cost us a bundle in gas money, and made me feel a little "stuck" in the house. Our park is close, but not close enough to walk to with three kids, one being a newborn especially! We were able to find a nice enough car for Al to use with around what we got from insurance. Bonus being, it gets great gas mileage.

We have not planted a garden this year. We just haven't been able to get it done. BUT every year for mother's day I get a hanging basket for each kid(yay me!). This year I picked up a few from the farmer's market for 1/3 of what it would have cost at Home Depot(support your local farmer's folks!!!).
Alora took a super long nap the other day and the kids and I got to plant a bunch of mixed flower pots together and had a great time! I have so many pictures I'd like to add, but it is such a pain in the butt here. I haven't even put up a single picture on flickr either.... yikes! That is probably my next miracle naptime hour.(This time the kids are ALL asleep because of our 2 hour hike/walk/feeding the ducks/playground fun today. Hopefully, the more we get out the more I get an hour of peace? Hey, I'll take it when I can get it right? : )

Alright this is already a mini-novel...
I hope that you all made it to the end! : P
I hope that you all are enjoying your own crazy lives!

Today I am grateful that my kids are all asleep right now!
I am thankful to have a family so full of life and love, without them things would be WAY too quiet! : )
I am thankful that my husband is still around to irritate the crap out of me, and be my partner in this wacky life we lead!
I am also thankful I have a few people out there who will read my mini-novels, when I actually have time to write them... if any of you did that is!!! : )

A better place and three days to go!

Well, the count down has made it down to three more days.
In reality there are more than likely more than that many days left to wait... but like I was saying I can't help but feel like there is a clock ticking somewhere.

We are not quite ready, but we are very, very close. We have one more load of laundry for the baby, to wash a new sheet and the new cloth diapers (for burping/spit ups and so forth... I would love to do cloth, but the reality is I don't have the patience for the laundry or mess of them.... or the money to buy the awesome covers they have now, those things are steep!!) and also to wash my wraps. Even with all the sling recalls in the news, I am still very confident in the wraps that I have. The slings that have been recalled seem to be the ones that were more about fashion and the trend of babywearing, and less about skin to skin contact. I have several wraps that I intend to use with this new little one just like the last two. I can't imagine not wearing my babies, especially in the first few weeks when they sleep so much and we are both in the adjustment period of not actually being connected to each other still. But never you fear, the baby will always be safe and in an upright position, right up next to my chin, heart to heart. I do have a sling as well(one that isn't all fluff and padding and has a lot of flexibilty for positioning), but I use that one once the baby is bigger and stronger and can sit by itself easily... or at least when it has good strong neck muscles!

Anyway, this wasn't supposed to be me getting on a soap box about babywearing! : P
I did want to come on and update everyone on my emotional and marital status. The other day when I wrote out all of my fears and anxiety onto the screen, it helped me to see how truly disconnected I had been feeling from my husband. Things between us had gotten into a negative rut, and we needed to change things up. So, I called him and reached out to him, without blame or guilt, and just told him that we needed to have some special time together. The truth is by the end of the day, with three kids and being so pregnant and his full time job... well by the end of the night we honestly don't have much left for each other. I am dead tired by the end of a day now, and with him picking up the domestic slack that I can no longer handle all of right now... he is too. So when we got everyone upstairs that night, instead of the usual collapse onto the couch with the TV turned on, we headed upstairs too. I went and took a shower while Al lit some candles in our room. We sat on our bed and rubbed oil on my belly. The baby moved around a lot and got the focus on the right thing!! We talked honestly and openly about our fears and our excitement about this impending change. We each lit a small candle and said a prayer for each other to have the strength and courage to try and live in the moment, and let go of our recent struggles to see eye to eye. It was a lovely way to reconnect and has done wonders for my state of mind and apparently his as well. We haven't fought over stupid nothings for the last two days, so something has changed for the better.
This is the hardest time of the pregnancy I think, the waiting is almost over but it isn't quite yet. All of our hopes and fears are on the forefront of our minds, all of the time. Everyone (the kids included) is ready to move on with this new chapter of our lives as a family and the waiting is becoming more and more difficult!

As for the technical aspects of having this baby things are looking pretty good. I got an internal exam last appointment(on Tuesday) and I am dilated to a super roomy one(the goal being 10 for the birth) but not effaced at all (which means my cervix is still very thick, we're going for 100% effacement). Since I that day though, I had an entire day where I felt a really strong pressure and had a hard time even walking around, the same day that I last posted actually, and I am pretty sure that I was either actively dilating or effacing that day because I was an emotional wreck as well. Now today, I feel pretty comfortable, both physically and emotionally, so I think it's pretty safe to say that there was some progress going on that day. The good news from my exam is that on Tuesday I will definitely be able to be swept (because they could have done it last Tuesday).

As I've said, I am a bundle of joy, excitement, anxiety, nervousness... everything that you can expect from someone about to have a baby in the next week or so. The one thing that I don't feel a lot of right now is fear. I am feeling really confident that no matter when I go into labor I am ready to work with my body to help this baby enter the world. I can't wait!!
I will keep you all updated as things continue to develop and change, as they are bound to do.
I hope you are all having a great weekend!

Today I am grateful that my husband and I took the time to try and reconnect.
I am grateful to have such supportive midwives (who I also talked with in my moments of darkness and fear).
I am grateful to have the beautiful family that I have, and can't wait to meet our new arrival! : )

Hope, Passion, and Reality

Hope
It is such a small word, but it carries a lot of weight.
I have been feeling more and more hope for myself lately. That would generally be a good, good thing, but sadly the better and better that I have been feeling about myself, the worse things in my most intimate relationship have become. My husband and I are easily struggling with the hardest part of our growth together so far. Which sadly is saying something in itself, as our lives together have been nothing if not passionate.

Passion
Passion is also a word that carries a lot of weight for me. Passion is such an important part of living life to me. If I am not feeling like I am living life to the fullest, it feels like I am lacking something. But passion is a double edged sword to be sure!
The excitement, thrill, and fulfillment can all too easily turn into anger, frustration, and even fear. The pure emotion involved with passion is what makes it so volatile at its core. I had a college professor once who personally thought that passion was something to be ashamed of, he was a philosopher and thought that a life filled with passion was a waste of time and had nothing to do with a life filled with logic and reason, which may or may not be true.
I personally think that a balanced life has a little bit of each! I've never been an all or nothing kind of girl! : ) I want a little bit of everything. A life based on passion, I have found, is one that doesn't have a solid base. A solid base is something that I could really appreciate right now. There needs to be more than just passion, there also has to be respect and a certain level of logic and reason as well.
Right now I am feeling like there is not enough of a solid base in my life. That is a very difficult way to be feeling when you are about to bring another child into the world. I long to feel the stability of a solid relationship, a solid life. My life is anything but that right now... and I am truly struggling with it. It is a very strange thing to be feeling more confident and a little less mixed up on the inside, while seemingly watching my outside life fall apart around me.

Reality
The reality of what is going on in my life right now, is not filled with hope or passion.
My husband and I are now seeing someone every week, while also seeing our own person every week. This is A LOT of therapy. It is very intense to say the least! I feel like I am really making headway... and then I go home to where everything is in flux and frustrating. The mutual sessions we have are moving very slowly because the truth is that my husband and I are not on the same page. We are not in the same places right now and I have less and less desire to wait for him to catch up. He is really stuck in the place that he is right now... which would be ok if it wasn't so hurtful to me and my children. But sadly where he is emotionally is pretty destructive and behaviors that once only effected me, have spread out to my kids as well. It is much more difficult to be patient with him when I see our children being hurt by his behavior. I can't help but feel the Mama bear in me come out and refuse to allow it to continue. I know that he is the only one that can change his behavior, but I simply can not allow him to take his time when my family is intimately involved. I am really beginning to think he might have to go somewhere else to work these issues out, where it won't be so hurtful to the rest of us.

Have I mentioned lately that I am having another baby here VERY soon?
The sense of urgency I feel revolving around all of this is IMMEDIATE!!

Just to ease any one's mind there is no physical abuse going on here. The behaviors that I am referring to are all of a verbal and emotional level, which really doesn't make it much better, but no one is in immediate harm. The anger and frustration my husband feels about himself and his life just bubbles out into more and more of his life right now... and it isn't pleasant to watch or be caught up in. He is pretty good at keeping himself in check around the kids, but it is becoming increasingly difficult for him.. and that is my biggest concern. I don't want my kids to see him lose it. I worry about how his anger issues will effect them. My personal compassion for him and his pain is feeling completely depleted. It's not a great way to feel about the man that I love more than anything else. There is not nearly as much hope about the two of us (and our family) making it through this period intact as I had two weeks ago.

There's really nothing that I can think of that could make me feel sadder than all of this right now. This is not the way that I want to welcome my newest little person into the world.. a world filled with sorrow, confusion, and frustration. This is our fourth, so I know all too well what is coming, (complete exhaustion, overwhelming degrees of changes for the entire family, major adjustments to an additional person with needs and LOTS of them for awhile...) and I have to tell you, envisioning things getting worse is not a cheering thought!

With all of that being said, at my core I know that no matter what happens, I will be ok. I will make things ok for my kids. I am nothing, if not a survivor. I have dealt with bad situations in my life over and over again and have come through them a stronger and better person. I know that I am strong enough to deal with anything that life gives me, but I would lying if I said that this was the way I wanted things to be! Right at this moment of writing, I am wishing that at some point I would have already paid my dues and I deserved a little less chaos and maybe a little less pain. I realize that I am indulging in a little bit of self pity, but regardless, I would so take an easier road if I saw one right now!
I am tired and emotionally and physically depleted.
I am in desperate need of some piece of mind.
I wouldn't turn away a fairy godmother right now either... but we all know that I won't be hearing a knock on my door anytime soon. My reality is what it is and I need to do my best to make the best of what it is...
and I'm going to get right on top of doing that...
tomorrow. Today I am giving myself the day to feel the sadness. I am allowing myself to mourn the loss of the fantasy so that tomorrow when I wake up I can deal with what my reality is.

Today I am honestly struggling to feel grateful for much.
But I AM grateful that my baby is healthy and growing well.
I am also thankful that my children are so inspiring to me, even in my darkest hours. I don't know what I would do without them, but I'm glad that is not one of the things I have to worry about!

Surprise!!

I have been absent again.

I know, you are probably used to it at this point.

There is a different reason that I have been away this time though. I am on the verge of another big life change... again. And it has so taken over my thoughts and processing that I haven't been able to focus on anything else for long enough to write a cohesive post. I've tried several times... my drafts are starting to outnumber my actual posts at this point! : )

Well, what could be so life altering that I couldn't focus on anything else?

That's right... surprise!

We are having another baby!
What!?!

This was not part of my plan on what I would be doing for the next 2 years (because you know the pregnancy really takes 10 months and we all know there is nothing outside as important as whatever is going on with a newborn baby for the first year or so).

I had a few suspicions, because when I was going on my walks I got really light headed a few times. So one afternoon when I got back from a walk (the kiddos were still napping) I found an old test and went into the bathroom to take it. I really thought that it would be negative, and was taking it just to ease my mind (if I thought I actually WAS pregnant I would have waited until the next morning). My hubby happened to be home that day and was taking a bath... when I told him what I was doing, he just rolled his eyes at me, I guess he didn't think I would be either...

I am excited and happy, now. But I must admit that when I first found out, I had an adjustment period to deal with. I have known for over a month already, and honestly I am still in a little bit of shock. I am really good at knowing my own body and what is going on as far as the womanly works go... but as my midwife so lovingly reminded me, I am getting older... and things can get a little wonky around my age. Here's hoping that after my next appointment my uterus growth is on target because twins would throw me for another loop... not to mention I couldn't continue care with my beloved midwife practice because of becoming a complicated pregnancy... but that is jumping ahead to unlikely circumstances... but then again this was surprise, so...

Anyway, my initial shock gave way to a fair number of worries and a lot of tears at first. I had an explosion of different thoughts, worries, and anxiety.

Here's a few of the things that I was worried about.

Truthfully and selfishly, I was excited to be getting to focus on myself for the first time in a long time. I was doing really well with my desire to get healthier and more fit. I had reached 3/4 of the way to my first weight loss goal and had a secondary one already in mind for when I had reached my first big 100 pound milestone. I was excited to be occasionally putting my needs before the needs of others, every single second of the day. It's felt good. I wasn't all stoked on giving that up right away.

For the first time in my life (even when I found out about Emily) I wasn't immediately thrilled. I had never felt that way before and it made me feel terrible. I cried and cried. I wasn't crying about having another baby, but about not feeling super excited from the second I found out. My poor husband was amazing. He was so supportive and listened to me rattle off all the reasons that this just wasn't the right time (there are some more complicated explanations forthcoming) and he just smiled and hugged me and looked me in my eyes and told me how happy he was and how much he loved me. He told me that I was the best Mama he has ever known and that this baby was going to be lucky to have me. And he gently reminded me that contrary to my assertion on certain days... I'm not actually controlling the universe. Oh yeah. I forgot that for a moment. I don't know what I would have done if he had reacted any other way. Reason # 239 to keep him around a little longer! ; )

I called our family therapist the next day and made an appointment with her that week. I talked with her about all of the things that were bothering me. I talked about my selfish thoughts(reasonably selfish, but selfish nonetheless). I talked about how I was worried that this wouldn't be good for me and Al's relationship. And the hardest thing of all, my GUILT. My sister's daughter just turned four and they have been trying to get pregnant since she turned one. I also have had several friends miscarry in the last 6 months. And one of them very recently, and she's not doing well. I just feel bad about how easy it is for me and Al to conceive together. My sister is going to have a really hard time with this news. I still haven't told her. I have tried to call her, but she has been busy and hasn't been returning my calls. I can't email her something like this. When our mutual friend got pregnant the first month they tried, my sister was so upset. She confided in me how unfair it was and how angry she was... and then our friend lost the baby, and of course my sister feels terribly guilty about her feelings... it just is a bit of a mess. I honestly would have talked with her before we started trying, if this had been a planned thing, and she knows that. It somehow feels a little more cruel that she will know that not only did it happen again for us, but that we weren't even trying.

meh- it kind of stinks.

The truth is that I am afraid of losing my sister for the next year or so because of this, and it makes me sad. And just for a little background, when she got pregnant with her daughter, we also got pregnant about 3 months later. My sister hardly talked to me for my entire pregnancy. I guess she thought we were trying to steal her thunder or something? I don't know, we never talked about it because I was just so happy to be on speaking terms with her again, but it did hurt me a lot, because of course that wasn't the point. We were just ready to start growing our family too. We actually had been casually trying for a few months when she got pregnant.

sigh... I wish that it didn't have to be so complicated. I wish that I knew that she would be happy for us, but the truth is, I don't think that she will be, and that does make me sad. What it boils down to though, which my therapist did her best to help me understand(I'm almost there... I am sure that once I actually am able to tell her my anxiety over the situation will lesson tremendously) is that whatever issues my sister might have to deal with really has nothing to do with me. She has her own issues and they are hers to deal with. I can't make her pregnant and I can't make her accept that she might not have another baby. I have absolutely no control over her situation. It is not mine to fix or solve. I have to let her deal with this news however she is going to deal with it. I can hope for the best, as I always do, and that is about the extent of what I can do. The same goes for my grieving friends. They will all have their own reactions, and hopefully when they have dealt with them, they will come to be happy for us and our new blessing. After all 9 months is a long time to come to acceptance!

On a much more positive note, I told my mother the other night and she was actually really happy for us! For most of you that might be a given, but she has never really been too happy before, so I was convinced she would be negative about it... but she wasn't! Yay! So there is always hope!

My oldest daughter cried, but now is doing pretty well with the information. I'm sure that with her starting high school and being a teenager the last thing she wants is more competition for time and attention, but she is great with her other siblings and I'm sure she will do well with it, after a little acceptance period of her own. It is still so early that we haven't done any explaining to the little ones yet. I have hardly told anyone yet actually, for fear of someone saying something and my sister hearing it from somewhere other than me. Also, of course, you are supposed to wait until after 12 weeks, but I feel like I might explode if I try and keep this in another month longer! Now that I am excited about it, I find myself saying things to random strangers I am talking with at the store or at the dentist's office. It is exciting news for most people and it has felt good to get to share without worrying about it somehow being hurtful! My MIL (for all of her faults, thinks I'm a good mom and adores our kids) was so excited she almost caused an accident while Al was driving, which was also a nice reaction... sort of! : )

My family doesn't read this, but now I am worried about posting it. Maybe I should make sure that she knows from my lips first just in case... well it felt good to purge it, but I really did want to share my exciting news with everyone here.

Well, if this has an addendum you will understand why now.
And for now, I wish you all happiness and peace. Good night!

***Addendum***
Ok, so I actually wrote this about a week ago now, and have tried calling my sister SO MANY TIMES!!!! I am getting frustrated with it because I want it off my chest, already!! She has not called me back, but left me notes on facebook saying she'll call soon... grrr. Anyway, I know she really has been super busy, her in laws have been here for the last month and they stay with her, much to her dismay, they make her crazy! They just left Friday, so now that they are gone, I'm sure I will be able to reach her soon! I have, in the last week, really decided that no matter what her reaction might be, it will be ok. I am doing my best to not worry quite so much about how other people might react to my news and just stopped and connected with myself and my new little person. It amazes me every time how much love you can feel for such a small thing that you have never met. But I already feel so much and know that regardless of what my own plans had been. This is what I am supposed to be doing right now. I do hope that I get ahold of my sister soon, and that she will be happy for us, but either way I am so excited about heading down this familiar path once again! : )

Today I am thankful that I have been blessed with the gift of being a vessel for another beautiful soul. I can't wait to meet you. I love you so much already!
I am thankful that I have such an amazing husband, and that he is such a great dad!
I am thankful that I am the healthiest I have been in the beginning of a pregnancy and hope that it helps me to have a healthy pregnancy!

Lately...

Life is just a tumblin' along around here!

I come by almost everyday to read the blogs I follow... but today I just realized I hadn't put up a post in TWO WEEKS!!

WOW!! Sorry, that I have been so absent.

here's a list of a few of the cool things that have happening lately....

My oldest has finished school for the summer, and had a big promotion ceremony, where she ended up getting a scholarship that we didn't know her name was put in for! It was a scholarship given to one female and one male for having exemplary citizenship, caring, compassion, and general all around good kid qualities. Yay, Emily! I was very shocked, and of course proud, and emotional, and all that good stuff. I am often amazed that I have been blessed with a daughter who people take notice of, in a positive way. I know that I am a proud Mama, but so many people see that she is special. I don't know how it is that I got so lucky. I am very proud of her, and really can't say enough good stuff about her... with out sounding annoying or like I'm gloating... so I'll just say this.

I love ya, kid! Thanks for being such a cool kid!

The day that Emily was promoted to being a HIGH SCHOOL STUDENT.... sorry I just had to put my head between my knees and breath slow calming breaths. I'm so not ready to have a high schooler! .... anywho, we went to the local amusement park. They have a "ride" that puts you in a harness pulls you up VERY VERY high and then let's you go... like a pendulum. Emily has wanted to do it since she was a little kid, but it is kinda pricey and we just never got around to doing it. So we did it! Al, Emily, and I went without the little ones to the park, so that it could be all about her... and we flew. It was so incredibly scary... but soooo awesome! Talk about an adrenaline rush! I was literally shaking for almost half an hour. My hands were quaking and I had a perma grin plastered on my face for the rest of the night! We all ended up enjoying it greatly! I don't know when we will do it again, but it was the best 45 second $50 I've ever spent, for sure! : )

ok, I'm not being dramatic here.. I was really questioning what the heck I was thinking when I came up with this plan!

All of us rigged and ready to go, and getting excited!

This was right after we got off our flight! : ) Can you see the crazy glint in all our eyes?

It was, of course, Father's Day yesterday. I made my husband a special dinner and splurged myself and ate it with him.(I took pictures throughout making it.. but then forgot to take some before we ate it all! whoops!) I made him stuffed steaks, with red potatoes and garlic, and some mixed veggies. It was the first time that I ate extravagantly since Mother's Day... so I figured I was due! Plus, it made him so happy that I made dinner strictly for his tastes... because there hasn't been much butter in my cooking for the last 2 months or so! I also made him a(n awful) Coca-Cola Cake. That is a sign of love if nothing else because this thing has nothing good in it. It is butter, lots of sugar, cola, marshmallows, and cocoa. Good, but sinful! I can't eat it... I hate to admit that I LOVE it... but I was very proud that I didn't indulge. NOT worth it to me... but super hard to resist so I hope that it is gone soon! ; ) I have been doing very well on my quest for better health! I have been exercising almost daily... some days I just can't find the time. But on the days when I do go I often do way more than I "need" to for my daily goals... so it works out fine that I miss a day here and there. I have been tracking my food daily and have gotten my portion sizes under control. I have lost 64 pounds as of yesterday. I hate putting my numbers up... BUT I am now only 2 pounds from being under 200 pounds for the first time in over 5 years. I feel better than I have in years, and I'm not stopping anytime soon! : )

Yay, motivation!

I have been walking a lot... speed walking mostly. I have also been playing badminton.

I LOVE IT!!!

I had to stop playing for a few weeks because I got so into it that I hurt my hernia repair. I played for hours, several days in a row, and then noticed that the cap over my repair was filled with fluid. Since that hadn't happened for a few weeks at that point, I knew that I had pushed a little too hard. Today I played again for the first time in a I think two weeks... and I'm pretty sure that it will be ok now. I'll keep aware of whether or not it is feeling good

I have also added walking steps into my work out routine. I am lucky enough to live in a city that has AMAZING parks and trails and is HILLY... so there are steps EVERYWHERE!!! My all time best (so far.. but stay tuned) has been 3.5 miles and 774 steps in an hour and 20 minutes. I was so proud of myself that day! It felt so good! I had made a little bet with myself about how far I could go, going up and down every set of stairs I saw on this particular walk. I really surprised myself. It was fun! I worked my way up to that last walk/stairs session, so I am hoping to push it that much further the next time! : )

My kids are loving all the time we spend outside in the garden and at parks. We have been going and going... it can get a little tiring but I think that it is good for all of us to be outside and enjoying the weather while it is here! Soon it will get a little hot to play outside, at the times we are out right now... so I don't want to waste any opportunities to get out and be active! They have noticed a happier healthier Mama, and are loving it too!

The one hard thing that has been happening is that my hubby has been having a hard time adjusting to all the changes that have going on. He is not big on change and truth be told a little self-centered, so if it is not making his experience immediately better... he's not that into it. We are going to an amazing woman to talk through things, with a moderator there to help us when we run into a roadblock in our communication, and I am seeing some progress. But sadly it is much slower than the positive things going on with me personally... so it is a little disappointing that while I am feeling better than I have for a long time... he and I are struggling more than I would like. It is hard when you and your partner don't see eye to eye... and at this point... I'm not willing to change my course at this point. I need to be doing what I am doing right now for myself... for my family and for my relationship with my hubby. Me, becoming a healthier person is not something that I am willing to compromise on right now. It's hard for my hubby to not get offended that, whether he is happier or not... doesn't matter that much to me right now. He would rather I stay fat and depressed... as long as it means Shepard's Pie and a clean house... Me, not so much... I'm just not willing to do that anymore... so as you can see... we're working on things!

I think that there is definite hope for us... there is no lack of love between us... it's just finding the middle road, that we are both happy with, that is the struggle right now. I had a psychology teacher once who would always say...

"No one has everything. You can't excel in all things at all times. You just have to choose your priorities and do the best that you can."

Well for right now, I need to get an upgrade on my own health and happiness... and in my happier visions, my hubby and I are walking this road together. On my harder days, sadly, it is possible for me to see my life without the man that I love more than anything else. I know that right now I am doing what I have to do for myself. I am being as kind and considerate as I can be at any given moment... and the rest is out of my control. I can only control the way that I choose to act. My actions, and RE-actions are the only thing within my control... the rest is up to who ever else I am interacting with. I have had a huge release of responsibility (at least in my own head) lately for the happiness of others. I can only be responsible for my own joy... coming to that realization has been very freeing. I hope that this all turns out the way that I would like... but I guess that we'll just have to let time tell the tale!

Here's to that tale matching up with the (happy) one in my head!

Today I am grateful that my journey to a healthier me is going so swimmingly!
I am thankful that I have a great therapist! ; )
I am thankful that my family is doing well and that we are all feeling the positive effects of healthful food and exercise in our lives, in one way or another!
I'm grateful that I have been given glimpses of my inner strength recently that I might have forgotten about for a little while! : )

My Sanctuary

My sanctuary is nature.

I have always felt very connected to the earth and its beauty. When I am stressed the best thing for me(and anyone in contact with me) is to go connect with nature. The smells, sights, sounds, textures, everything about it makes me feel an inner peace and calm that is difficult for me to explain. This time of year is my very favorite because you get to watch the word awaken and be reborn again. The garden that we have been working on is becoming a beautiful thing. The herbs are all looking plump. The tomatoes are growing, we have green cherry tomatoes already. The peppers are started to flower. The squash have gone from teeny little seedlings to big fat leaves going in every direction... and I am living in fear of the end of the season because I think we put to many to close together.... oops! : ) The bush beans have all sprouted and have a second or third set of leaves, and the soybeans have finally sprouted. This year I got a plant that I have never had before. It is a bush cucumber plant... very interesting! They are small 5-6 inchers. The sweat peas are taking a long time to get very far... but I keep encouraging them and hopefully they will take off soon.

We spend a good amount of time in our own backyard right now and I love it! The kids are filthy every night.. but I don't mind so much, besides Daddy gives them a bath! ; ) They are happy and sleepy at the end of the day because of our adventures! Sophia is picking up some color(although I am diligent about sunscreen being whiter than the average wall), so it seems like she'll have a bit more of her Dad's color than me... to which I say thank goodness! I think poor Roscoe might be out of luck... but he is a baby and I don't remember Sophia getting dark last year... so we'll have to see.

There's been a continuous stream of activity going on around here lately. Which has been an incredibly pleasurable thing for us all!

We LOVE the weather right now, and have been taking every possible opportunity to be outside in nature and PLAYING!!

The garden is starting to flourish.

The grass seeds that we replanted have finally started to come up.

I am simply bubbling over with gratitude and joy right now.

It is almost scary how completely full filled I have felt lately! It has been a lot of work but I can not tell you how pleased I am with deciding to truly live a healthier lifestyle. I still have grumpy days. Yesterday was one of them. I just woke up on the wrong side. I felt sensitive, hormonal, and grumpy. But I was aware of it and after my hubby got up told him, and that we should all go to the park. We did and I got to go exercise while he and the kids played, investigated all the beautiful flowers and then headed over to the amazing wooden playground that they adore! I went up to walk the reservoir and as I got started could honestly feel the stress and grump fall away from me. I did a fast mile and then started another, when I got to an area where there were stairs I went down and back up them four times without stopping... I wanted to do them five but my butt was on FIRE!! : ) So, I'll go for five next time!

I feel so incredibly lucky to be here where we live. I LOVE my city! As I was walking off the funk, getting really sweaty because it was humid as all get out, I looked across the water lightly rippling in the breeze, with a backdrop of beautiful trees in sweet-smelling, flowering bloom, against the baby blue sky casually strewn with white fluffy clouds... I took a deep breath and laughed at loud with pure happiness. Then I remembered where I was and looked around to see if anyone thought I was crazy! ;) I then picked my pace back up to the right level, but continued to be aware and grateful for the amazing surroundings that we have here.

I've been doing a lot of internal work lately, and I can't begin to describe how good it feels to uncover myself down there! I think that all the roles we have as mothers, wives, secretaries, accountants, cooks, cleaning woman, friend, lover... that we can lose touch with the true self, deep inside, but that is not good for anyone. To be strong and capable of full filling all the needs of the family you must take care of yourself, sometimes even first! ; ) I am finding that am becoming more capable of being completely present with the people I am with, because my core is much more at peace. The additional time for my own private thoughts has been an extra bonus that I hadn't thought about before hand!

I miss my bloggy buddies, but I just have to be out and about right now.. and by the end of the day I am WORN OUT!! I have been doing so much yard work, walking, playing badminton...man I LOVE to play badminton! I atually hurt myself, and can't play for a little while, and it's killing me!! But I play like I think I'm Venus or Serena or something! : ) I truly can't help myself... it's fun... Emily looks at me like I'm crazy (I have been playing with her) because I grunt when I serve or jump high, or lunge forward.... but I tell her to shut up because I'm old and kind of creaky right now... but at least she knows I'm really trying! :) ...but sadly all the said lunging and jumping and so forth has involved a little more extension than my belly was ready for. : ( I got really sore and kept playing, but then the cap over my hernia repair filled with fluid and I realized that I pushed a little too far. That hadn't happened for a few weeks now. So I will give it a week or so... maybe more... I'll have to see. I REALLY enjoyed playing so I am disappointed that I can't play right now... but I have to give my body a break. It's been two months, but it's only been eight weeks and they said 6 weeks to 6 MONTHS... so I have to back off a little. It will be ok, but I look forward to playing again. Emily said to me.."why don't you just not get so into it Mom" add necessary obnoxious teenage tone of voice. I just openly laughed at her and after a second she joined right in with me! Yeah right, I'll just wait a week or so! ; )

So I hope that everyone out there in blog land is enjoying the spring and looking toward the summer!

**oh and I just need to get my hubby to take a picture of my new tattoo and I will put it up. It's on my back so I can't just do it myself... : ) The only shot I have of it is from the second day...with a sunburn... yeah I know yikes! ...soon though!

Today I am grateful that I have a better outlook on life, without trying for now!

I am thankful that my husband and I have been achieving our shared goals together, that always feels good!

I am thankful for my garden and all the pleasure it gives me!

Where the heck I have been!

I know that I have been a bit absent around here lately, but...

We have been working up a storm here at the old Fey household!

before we started the backyard over... again...

...after all the compost was worked in and sectioned off

We have our entire garden planted now, and we also have a bunch of new stuff in the front yard.

This is a closeup of the lilies of the valley that carpet the front. They were here when we got here... but were buried underneath years of neglect and decomposing leaves. Once we started cleaning up, we were amazed by these beautiful and incredibly fragrant wildflowers! They are now some of my favorites. My hubby doesn't like them because they are only in bloom for a few weeks and then they just kind of look like weeds... but I adore how our whole yard smells and looks for that glorious month.

So they stay!

It is an amazing thing what smell can do for you. Sometimes when arriving home tired, slightly frustrated from some family adventure, I will open the van door and suddenly feel better and realize that fabulous smell has already made me relax and feel the sense of home. That's a pretty sweet thing, as far as I'm concerned!

Not to mention how good I think it is for the kids to help and watch things to grow.

Playing in the dirt was always one of my favorite things to do as a kid, too!

My new initiative to get healthy for real is going very well!

I have been working on taking off this extra weight since Roscoe was born. It has been 18 months and with the hernia there was almost no exercise in the last 6 months before my surgery. I had a much harder time losing when my hernia started to get really bad, but maintained my weight. Although my food was not too bad... it wasn't enough. I needed to be able to move to get this thing going. So, once I was able to start really moving things started going pretty fast. I guess it was time to just get to it! Now that I am healthy enough to work hard... I'm hoping that this momentum keeps going!I have just this last week crossed a milestone and officially lost 50 pounds from the day after Roscoe was born. Wow! That's a whole lot of weight!

I really didn't realize how awful this hernia was, until now that it's gone and I don't feel horrible all the time!! HOORAY!! I can not tell you how easy it is to feel positive when you are not in constant pain! ...now don't let me fool you.. I have not been all dreamy cloud nine or anything... real life here ya know... but I am just now beginning to see how much this thing effected everything in my life, without me ever acknowledging it.

So, I have been walking everyday. I walk anywhere from 2-4 miles... depending on the day and circumstances. I walk to the park near my house(a little more than a mile) and then walk the mile track there. I have been speed walking... it feels really good to push my body and actually do it without horrible pain... cool! My muscles burn... and I am tired at the end of the day now... but that's a good thing. Of course less manic late night energy means that my blog time is pretty much cut down to nothing! But if that's what it takes then sadly for my blog... it is what I must do right know.

Also, I have mentioned the love/hate relationship I have with this HUGE tree in our back yard.. well this right here is a reason to hate it... this is EVERY SINGLE DAY!!

I kid you not... I have been putting in hours everyday raking and sweeping out all the little seedlings. It is also a reason to love the tree, a free and useful workout opportunity! It is good brain numbing physical work. It has a purpose and an achievable goal... which for whatever reason right now feels really good to me! Well, almost achievable... it is also a good lesson in laughter because as I am raking they are falling in buckets, in front of me and on my head...and it is definitely a laugh or cry moment... every time!!

I am thoroughly enjoying all this extra time that I have been outside and of course my kids love it too! I have also been taking them to the park every single day to play. They are feeling great and I want very much to instill a healthy love of the outdoors with them. I have always felt grounded when walking through or looking at nature... and I want my kids to feel the same way. I love to see them lose themselves in a field of dandelions gone to seed. Exploring the jungle gym at the new play area we've discovered. Watching ants carry food... being fascinated with a spider wrapping it's prey... the list is endless and watching them discover is one of my favorite things in the world.

So I hope that you can all forgive my definite loss of focus. For right now I am throwing myself whole heartedly into this new way of doing things. I am eating well, playing hard, working harder and enjoying the whole process. I am spending much less time on the computer and because of this I haven't had time to write nearly as much as I'd like to.

I've written a hundred posts in my head... so all I need to do is work on the technology that can take the idea from my head and put it straight up here for you guys and we'll be set! : )

I hope that you all are enjoying the nicer weather(and I hope that the nice weather has visited your area!). I wish all of you new beginnings and the freshness of spirit that the season requests!
OH YEAH, I almost forgot! I am getting my new tattoo on Monday! I am getting so excited! This is one that has been in my head for awhile now. I decided since this has come at my 50 pound loss I can label it my reward for hard work, and when I finally get the other 50 pounds off I will get myself another one! I think it is a nice goal for myself because it is something that I want and now I can work for it!
I hope that everyone has a spectacular weekend! : )

Today I am grateful for so many things it's hard to narrow it down!
I am thankful that we have had the ability (physicsally and financially) to put all this energy into our beautiful surroundings.
I am thankful that the kids and I have been able to go to the park everyday, and that we have such an amazing assortment to choose from here in the Burgh!

Happy Mother's Day!

Happy Mother's Day to all of you Moms reading this.

I hope that you all feel as thankful and lucky as I do, to have the best job in the whole world!

I'm not gonna lie and say that everyday is awesome... because I live in the real world.... some days stink... but most days I wake up with a smile and go to bed with one too!

I am super lucky to get to stay home with my kids. I get to watch them grow and learn, explore and discover, experience and blossom every. single. day. I can't imagine a better way to spend the majority of my days.

I am blessed to have some spectacular kids who have given me the chance to find out some of the best (and worst) parts of myself, by making me what (in my opinion) I do better than anything else in this world... being a Mama.

Thank you guys for giving me the gift of Motherhood!

You are all amazing in such different special ways.

I never knew a deeper or more powerful love!

You all make me so proud!

and with that... my babies!

Today I am thankful that I have been able to deliver three beautiful spirits into this world, and in that discovered one of the best parts of myself.

I am grateful to have been able to have healthy, beautiful children who will make this world a better place, in their own special ways!

Emily's 14th Birthday

Hellooooooo!

yes I know.. I have been a very bad little monkey! AGAIN!!

I have had several things going on recently. The best of which was that my oldest, Emily, had her "special" birthday. She turned 14 on the 14th of March. I had built this thing up to enormous proportions in my head, and she had as well, so being the crazy person that I am, I ended up feeling a little overwhelmed and slightly wacky for a little while... which leads into one of the other things going on here... hernia BADNESS!!

It was really ok until the day of Emily's birthday, at which point my body told me in no uncertain terms...CHILL OUT WOMAN!! I'm convinced that one of the reasons I have this thing is because I sometimes need a very dramatic reminder that I need to breathe, and relax, and not try to control the entire universe! : )

I know, of course, that in reality I have no control whatsoever, but that doesn't make it any easier to stop and just let things happen sometimes!

So, I was able to push through and ignore that I was in pain for her day... and it ended up being the best day ever for her(and so also for me)! HOORAY! I would do it all over again to see the look of joy on her face throughout.the.entire.day. She is very good at not needing huge amounts of attention... with two younger siblings, but that one day was ALL about her..and honestly who doesn't want(and need) that every once in awhile? : )

So, I will say one more thing about my bad, bad hernia... it stinks! A LOT!! The day after Emily's birthday I went down hard, for two days. I just couldn't push through it for another minute it felt like. I know that stress effects me physically very hard, especially as far as GI stuff goes, so it wasn't a big shock. Annoying, yes, but shocking, no.

It is frustrating beyond my comprehension (and I don't think people get it, unless they themselves have had to deal with it) when my body refuses to do what it is told and takes matters into it's own hands. It is like when I have been put on bed rest during my pregnancies... everyone jokes and says how great it must be to NOT HAVE to do anything, but anyone who has experienced the frustration of not being ALLOWED to do anything knows... it's just not fun. Plus, I am the one who runs this household, and much to the amazement of my own husband, who just can't understand why things are so messy and out of control when I am down and out... I do a heck of a lot around here... every single day... shoot pretty much every minute, and often late into the night... It is a never ending chore to keep a house running smoothly! I know that some of you know what I am talking about! I sometimes think my hernia is the universe's way of reminding my dear hubby how good he's got it when I'm on top of my game. He is always flabbergasted(to my deep frustration as well) how much more he has to do when I am down... (to which I try NOT to respond with..um yeah, DUH!! how exactly did you think things were being done.. magic? no dear it is hard work... constant, hard, fairly unappreciated, and sometimes tedious work. sprinkled with LOTS of patience and a good amount of humor, the more self-deprecating the better! not one of my hubby's strong suits, by the way!)

Anyway, I am waiting for my surgery to be scheduled, as we speak... wouldn't you know it as soon as I decide enough is enough, I need to get it done.. well there are several emergency surgeries through out the week , and now the doctor is going on vacation. bummer. I don't begrudge the man a vacation, I'm sure he earns and deserves them... just a little funny to me how things work out generally for me in my life! : )

So with all that info out of my head... back to Emily!

Her birthday went really well, because it was mostly mellow. We had a chill day together the kids and I and then we all went out to dinner and met my sister and family there. We went to a teppan yaki place where they cook the food in front of you. We had gone there a few times before usually for her birthday. It was ok, but at one point I got pretty grumpy, because we had forgotten about the St Patrick's Day parade which here is a big stinking deal.... if one more drunk person knocked into me without saying excuse me or sorry...I was going to scream... but Emily had fun and that is all that mattered! I do NOT think that I will go to this particular place again, because I made the reservation 2 weeks in advance but we were in an awful part right near the bar and they knew that we were having high chairs...so maybe they could 've put us in the back away from the ruckus... but instead they put more drunk people there and spread the crazy all over the place. I did speak to the manager about it.. but it was too busy for him to care..which is why I was a little tense.. but all in all if the kid had fun... it's all good... I guess. Atleast there is no smoking in restaurants here.. that would have been the final straw.

After that we went home for ice cream cake and finally presents( poor girl had to wait all day!). She got a bunch of new clothes from her aunt and a few things from us. When I gave her the book, she got a little teary eyed...and just said..wow, I didn't know that many people cared about me. To which I replied with a smile...yeah I knwo that was kind of the point! : )

I ended up getting responses from all but one relative(who truth be told I didn't want to participate anyway, but was trying to be cool about it... I guess she doesn't like me either... it all worked out!) And then 15 out of 22 friends. It turned out lovely, and she loves it and that made all the late nights totally worth it! : )

Then everyone left, the babies and Al went to bed, and Emily and I designed two henna designs together, and I put it on her hands, while we watched a movie together and talked. It came out beautifully and it turned out to be a great day for everyone involved.

yay!

I have some shots of the days activities and my sweet (not so little) girl.

Happy birthday kid! : )

the fam at dinner, BIL,sister, the kid, and her cousin.

she got a sparkler in her ice cream... fun way to end the evening! : )

me and my sister

the birthday girl. mid-present opening

the little girl cousins

Uncle Tim and ROscoe, there was a lot of hugging that day!: )

the book : )

the henna, when it was still wet

the henna has to dry on your hands for at least 6 hours... so after it dried she put gloves over her hands and went to bed. we flaked it off the next morning.

this was what it looked like right after we got it all off.

the next day it was MUCH darker.

this is what she did when I said let me see your hands for a picture to show how dark it is... you wonder why she is interested in theatre! she is a natural born drama queen! : )

Today I am thankful that my daughter enjoyed her special day!

I am grateful that she felt special and joyous... HAPPY BIRTHDAY BABY!!

I LOVE YOU!!

Tea, for three!

Spring is on its way here to our house... but sometimes the weather doesn't cooperate as much as we'd like. The other day it was "supposed" to be a nice day out... it rained all day and I think we spiked at about 29 degrees that afternoon.
So it the midst of a rather dreary, and frustratingly housebound day... we decided what we needed was to have a tea party picnic!

I felt very clever about having this idea, because before I made the decision to have a fun activity, the kids and I both were kind of grumping around. The house was mess from playing all morning and I was looking at eating up a good 45 minutes of my (much needed) quiet time as clean-up time instead, after having a disappointing lunch of PB&J, and no going to the park.... : /

as I was making sandwiches.. it hit me...
Let's have a tea party picnic!

So, I changed my attitude around and got very excited as I told the kids what we were going to do. They picked up on the excitement right away, and got very into the idea.
Here's the tray of prepped food all ready to lay out for the munchkins.

Instead of me having to do all the clean-up (like I often do, just to make things easier and faster for myself) we decided that if we all put everything away really quickly, we could lay out a blanket in the middle of the floor for our party. Sophia and Roscoe both cleaned up faster than I have ever seen them do before!

While I made the lunchtime goodies, they tidied up their toys and started bringing me the plates, cups, bowls, serving dishes, and teapot. I washed them up really quickly, and Sophia was very excited about getting to dry them for the food. I love these play dishes we have because they are made in the USA, from old milk jugs... and they are fun colors that make food a little more interesting than the "adult" dishes.
Plus, to up the FUN factor I made everything into small bite sized pieces. We had good old PB&J, but they were cut into small squares, which made them MUCH more fun to pop in your mouth! We also had small squares of plum, cherry tomatoes, avocado cubes, grapes, and a grapefruit(ok not small but the pieces I pull out for them to eat are... in the end! : )...)






We had tea (water) in little teacups. Both of the kids drank a lot more water with lunch than usual... turns out if you want your kids to drink water.. you just have to play Tea Party.. who knew? : )



Although I feel I should mention that if your little people are under the age of two or maybe even three... this is most likely what will occur eventually during the meal... but of course it IS just water, so if you go into it knowing it will happen... it doesn't need to be a huge deal! The change of clothes before nap time was well worth it to me!


We all ended up having a great time of it. I hope to do it often now, as Sophia asks me if we can do it again everyday. I am thinking once a week will make it still fun and not turn it into something drone... but we'll see.

Just thought that I'd share a fun way to spend some time inside your own house..even if that's the last place you wanted to be! : )


the bear got some food too!

















Today I am grateful that we can have fun, even though our plans don't always end up going the way we thought they would! : )

Simple Family Fun with Food!

Tonight we made pizzas for dinner.
I know that this is nothing new.. but it always turns out so good, so I thought I'd share.
We only ever do this when the Boboli crust is on sale. I know it's not homemade, but yeast scares me, so we must all learn to deal. BUT Boboli crust WAS on sale, so we picked up a two pack of little crusts, one for each of the little ones, and Al, Emily, and I had a big one. Emily likes the original crust, Al gets the thin, and I get the whole wheat, which is really good.. if not a little sweet.

We all get to make our own pizza exactly the way that we want it... which in a family of five is nice, because of course we all have our favorites!

Al's is always lots of pepperoni, and maybe a few onions and hot peppers.

Emily went with a heavy cheese and pepperoni, today.

Sophia had onions, pepperoni, and sweet peppers. She made it all by herself... which made her very proud!

Roscoe had barely a smidge of cheese, lots of cherry tomatoes, and some caramelized onions. He ate more of the toppings before they got cooked than after! : )

Everyone's was different , but they all came out so pretty, and yummy! I somehow forgot to take pictures of mine and Al's, I think it was because we had to wait for the second round in the oven, and by the time we ate...we were hungry!!
but I took this one right before I ate mine.

Half white sauce(that Al put together...SOOO good!) with halved tomatoes, sweet peppers, and caramelized onions. and half cheese, a few pepperoni, and hot pickled peppers.

Man, that was SO good! it is a fun interactive way for us to make dinner and we all get it just the way we like it, plus the kids and I have a pre-made lunch for Al's first day back to work. Nice!!

Try it sometime... it's fun , and if you choose the right toppings..well it could be worse for you, anyway!

Pizza makes the kids happy, and between us all we ate a pint or more of cherry tomatoes, and about 6 mini sweet peppers(red, orange, and yellow). They were so fresh and made me feel like, yes, one day the winter will end and springtime is getting near.. HOORAY! we can't wait here that's for sure!


and yes it's dinner with Sophia in her jammies.. it was in the single digits most of the day here and they keep her warm... so she wears them all day some days! : )

Today I am thankful for fun family times, even if it is as simple as homemade(sort of) pizza nights! : )

struggle

struggle

that is the one word description of many different aspects of my everyday right now...

and it is frustrating

I hate it when I can't rearrange reality to fit into my happy perspective...

I want to see the light in everything, but when the negative things start piling up it gets a little more difficult.

I'm feeling discontent. which is unusual and disconcerting for me.

this didn't come out of nowhere, but it did become exponentially more difficult recently for no foreseeable reason.

our anniversary is coming up. since we got married on leap day we don't have the day this year... but we decided that we would try and take a night off together. we are getting a hotel room downtown and leaving the kids over night (at home with his mom and Emily) for the first time in 4 years. the babies are 3 and 16 months.... it should be fine... but I don't feel excited about that right now though...

I feel anxious about it ....

the man and I have been butting heads, rather consistently over everything and nothing...

does that ever happen to you?

it is so draining and I don't have the extra energy to expend right now.

I also have a fairly constant internal struggle going on in my head right now... I am trying to come up with proactive ways to make my situation different than it is.. but I'm not coming up with any good ones... the ones I try aren't working..

and hold on you might need to sit down for this...

but my bath DIDN'T work.

the first time ever in my recollection that it didn't help...

where do you go when your tried and true methods of relaxation stop working?

on a positive note:

my boy hugging a bear that my Grammie made

Emily and I going to a performance at CAPA last week.

after breakfast today... with Roscoe showing his new "picture" smile...hambone that one is!

my little ones (well, and one not so little one!) are incredible and help me find pleasure in my everyday.

I have been actively planning themed activities, with a good dose of "structured" learning time for my three year old, and she has been incredibly responsive... so I have been getting excited about the possibilities... I get so many ideas running around in my head, and I have been attempting to fit them into a lesson plan in my head... this is something that I did for over 8 years when Emily was a baby and growing up, so I enjoy it... but it ends up frustrating me because I want "stuff"... like supplies, construction paper, safety scissors, glue, paint... and we don't have extra money.. but we are going out for our anniversary...and we could use that $ for the "stuff" .....but man...

I think that I REALLY need this recharge of time with my hubby with no kids and no dishes and no laundry...if even just for one night...

how do you reconcile your own needs versus your kids?

I mean the truth is that 90% of my day is fulfilling other people's needs.. my kids, my husband..even the darn cats... and I not only don't mind, but I thrive on it... but at the same time, I NEED to have at least a very small portion (2%?) of the rest of my day for my partner to attentively listen and then even every once in awhile fulfill MY needs...

I feel like such a baby here...what about me... whah!!!

but seriously...I'm at a point right now where I have to ask

what about me?

why do I find myself having to negotiate ways to get my needs met?

when did I stop being a person worthy of someone else's effort...and not just a giver to everyone else?

I mean all I want is for him to adore and respect me for the Goddess that I am... that's not asking too much...right? : )

no but honestly a little appreciation would go a LONG way for me right now!

sigh...

I don't like where my head is at right now.. but I feel at a loss to do anything about it... I could(and do) take care of myself, but every now and then it would feel great to be taken care OF for a change!

Tonight I am thankful that I have a beautiful family that I GET to take care.

(but I'd love to have just one of my family to feel thankful for me, and somehow express that to me...)