No baby yet....

Ok folks here's the dealio.

It's HARD to be a vessel!!
The hardest thing for me during pregnancy is the fact that although everything depends upon me... I have no real control over anything that is happening in my body. I can eat well, and exercise(which I do). I can try not to get too stressed and get enough rest(which I also do to the best of my ability)... but really there's nothing that I can do about most of the things that my body just does as part of nature. I am a vessel. It can be a beautiful thing, I got to feel all those first little flutters. I have an intimate relationship with this new little person that no one else has had the opportunity to experience yet. And although I know that the things that I do and don't put in my body make a difference in how this new little life developed and grew, when push comes to shove, I can't really control what is going on in there.

I had no power over whether or not my placenta would attach properly in the very beginning of this journey. I could not save the little embryo that wasn't meant to become a fully formed little person, in my early months. I can not force this baby to be born any sooner than it is supposed to be born. I am but a vessel. I have a huge part in this miracle of bringing new life into the world, but no control over how it goes about happening. That is a very humbling thing to accept. I must admit that it is very difficult for me. I feel such responsibility, but have no control at all to change the way that things are going... and it is a struggle for me.

I went in for my weekly checkup yesterday. I had been planning on starting a serial sweeping of my membranes. Last week things were perfectly aligned for me to be swept, but it was too early. My cervix was not effaced(thinned out) yet, but I was dilated to a good roomy 1 and we figured with my daily contractions that I would have more progress by yesterday. Also although the baby's head wasn't engaged(that never happened with my last until I was actually pushing him out) the baby was easily moved into my pelvis to put the right pressure onto my cervix to do the sweep.... last week that is.

Yesterday when I went in I was feeling a good amount of anxiety. I feel pretty torn about messing with nature and trying to push my will upon it. I have been going back and forth about doing the sweep and how comfortable I am with it. Although it isn't a chemical induction it is a "medical procedure" that can have consequences. Things like accidentally breaking the amniotic sac, which could be a big problem if labor wasn't spontaneous after that... causing a hospital birth and possible chemical intervention to help get things started.... all of which is about as far from what I would "like" my experience to be as it could be! And honestly it's not just about what I want my birth experience to be like.... it also has a lot to do with the way that I feel about birth in general. I really do believe that the least amount of tinkering with this natural process is the best. BUT, I also have this hernia repair... which tweaks and stretches in a painful way everyday at this point... so I let my fear of rupture get the best of me and "planned" this procedure. The amount of internal struggle that I was feeling over getting it done was obvious. It was obvious enough to my midwife that she wasn't sure if she should even go through with it. We talked for a bit and she left it up to me, but said it would be fine for me to NOT get it done. I waffled and discussed it some more with her and my husband but in the end, I decided yes..... let's just do it.

So I bared my bits for her to examine, not the most comfortable thing in the world. My husband was there holding my hand( the sweeping is down right painful and I wanted his support)... and then nothing! Well, not really that quickly, but I could tell something was wrong from the beginning of the exam. The midwife was able to fit only one finger inside my cervix still, so I had no more dilation over the week, and my cervix didn't efface at all yet, still. The baby's position also made it impossible to move into the pelvis, so there wasn't the right pressure and she simply couldn't do the procedure.

ACK!!!

I can not describe the amount of disappointment that I felt. I have been thinking about and anticipating this for two weeks. I have been having daily contractions for months. The night before I had gone to bed early, because I am getting so tired... only to be waken up with contractions, that although I knew were not "real" labor were strong enough that I couldn't sit still(or sleep) through them. I had to rock and walk and tone just a little to get through them. They lasted for 3 and a half hours, about every 5 minutes, sometimes every 2.
For nothing.
I know that this is the way that my body works. Every baby has come later than my due date, which is not until Friday. And all of my pregnancies have had weeks of contractions that even last time with my THIRD baby, I still convinced midwives and myself were"real"... went down to the center and had all my people ready and everything... to end up with them stopping after a few hours and not being "the real thing". It is immensely frustrating!

Yesterday after I left the office I was pretty grumpy. I was feeling disappointed... I want to hold and kiss this baby!! Plus, there is a part of me that was happy to have some kind of "time" that I would be having this baby. I knew the possibilities that I still wouldn't have the baby after the sweeping but I had honestly not considered not even getting it done. I cancelled my appointment for today because there is no point unless my cervix effaces a little bit more, and I wanted a day off of the stress. I DID NOT cancel my appointment with the midwife tomorrow, because I want to leave my options open, and that is my internal struggle right now. I have decide if I should set myself up for probable disappointment again by going in and not being able to get the sweep done. I also have to decide if it wasn't the universe helping me to see that I was going against my gut by scheduling this thing in the first place. I honestly don't know what I am going to do yet.

I am headed out to the zoo with the kids today. I will walk 2-3 miles today and I'm sure that I will have oodles of contractions because of it. It is possible that I will have effaced more by tomorrow and that even if I don't, the baby's position could be better for the sweep tomorrow... but is that what I really want to do?
I just don't know.

Blah! I will do my best not to be a ball of stress today. My goal is to not think about it at all today(ha ha) while I am out with the kids. I want to take advantage of this time with them before everything changes, but that will be a hard task for me! Not enjoying my kids... I love spending time with them... just the not being distracted part... BUT I am going to do my best. I have been spending a lot of time praying and meditating over the last amount of time, and will spend some time doing the same this evening, and hopefully I will be comfortable with my decision by tomorrow morning, which ever way I decide to go with this.

I just wanted to let everyone know what was happening in our crazy little world right now. I hope that everyone is doing well. I will let you all know if anything happens. If I have the baby I will at least put up a quick announcement... if I don't you can bet that I will back on here venting my frustration and impatience! :P

Today I am grateful that my baby is happy and healthy inside my womb.
I am grateful that I am worrying about when I will get to hold this new little person and not why this life was taken away. (I just found out that a friend who was pregnant in the beginning of my pregnancy and lost her baby, finally got pregnant again and just lost this one as well, and I DO realize how incredibly lucky and blessed we are!)
I am grateful that one way or the other I will be holding my baby very soon... no one stays pregnant forever!! : )

Hope, Passion, and Reality

Hope
It is such a small word, but it carries a lot of weight.
I have been feeling more and more hope for myself lately. That would generally be a good, good thing, but sadly the better and better that I have been feeling about myself, the worse things in my most intimate relationship have become. My husband and I are easily struggling with the hardest part of our growth together so far. Which sadly is saying something in itself, as our lives together have been nothing if not passionate.

Passion
Passion is also a word that carries a lot of weight for me. Passion is such an important part of living life to me. If I am not feeling like I am living life to the fullest, it feels like I am lacking something. But passion is a double edged sword to be sure!
The excitement, thrill, and fulfillment can all too easily turn into anger, frustration, and even fear. The pure emotion involved with passion is what makes it so volatile at its core. I had a college professor once who personally thought that passion was something to be ashamed of, he was a philosopher and thought that a life filled with passion was a waste of time and had nothing to do with a life filled with logic and reason, which may or may not be true.
I personally think that a balanced life has a little bit of each! I've never been an all or nothing kind of girl! : ) I want a little bit of everything. A life based on passion, I have found, is one that doesn't have a solid base. A solid base is something that I could really appreciate right now. There needs to be more than just passion, there also has to be respect and a certain level of logic and reason as well.
Right now I am feeling like there is not enough of a solid base in my life. That is a very difficult way to be feeling when you are about to bring another child into the world. I long to feel the stability of a solid relationship, a solid life. My life is anything but that right now... and I am truly struggling with it. It is a very strange thing to be feeling more confident and a little less mixed up on the inside, while seemingly watching my outside life fall apart around me.

Reality
The reality of what is going on in my life right now, is not filled with hope or passion.
My husband and I are now seeing someone every week, while also seeing our own person every week. This is A LOT of therapy. It is very intense to say the least! I feel like I am really making headway... and then I go home to where everything is in flux and frustrating. The mutual sessions we have are moving very slowly because the truth is that my husband and I are not on the same page. We are not in the same places right now and I have less and less desire to wait for him to catch up. He is really stuck in the place that he is right now... which would be ok if it wasn't so hurtful to me and my children. But sadly where he is emotionally is pretty destructive and behaviors that once only effected me, have spread out to my kids as well. It is much more difficult to be patient with him when I see our children being hurt by his behavior. I can't help but feel the Mama bear in me come out and refuse to allow it to continue. I know that he is the only one that can change his behavior, but I simply can not allow him to take his time when my family is intimately involved. I am really beginning to think he might have to go somewhere else to work these issues out, where it won't be so hurtful to the rest of us.

Have I mentioned lately that I am having another baby here VERY soon?
The sense of urgency I feel revolving around all of this is IMMEDIATE!!

Just to ease any one's mind there is no physical abuse going on here. The behaviors that I am referring to are all of a verbal and emotional level, which really doesn't make it much better, but no one is in immediate harm. The anger and frustration my husband feels about himself and his life just bubbles out into more and more of his life right now... and it isn't pleasant to watch or be caught up in. He is pretty good at keeping himself in check around the kids, but it is becoming increasingly difficult for him.. and that is my biggest concern. I don't want my kids to see him lose it. I worry about how his anger issues will effect them. My personal compassion for him and his pain is feeling completely depleted. It's not a great way to feel about the man that I love more than anything else. There is not nearly as much hope about the two of us (and our family) making it through this period intact as I had two weeks ago.

There's really nothing that I can think of that could make me feel sadder than all of this right now. This is not the way that I want to welcome my newest little person into the world.. a world filled with sorrow, confusion, and frustration. This is our fourth, so I know all too well what is coming, (complete exhaustion, overwhelming degrees of changes for the entire family, major adjustments to an additional person with needs and LOTS of them for awhile...) and I have to tell you, envisioning things getting worse is not a cheering thought!

With all of that being said, at my core I know that no matter what happens, I will be ok. I will make things ok for my kids. I am nothing, if not a survivor. I have dealt with bad situations in my life over and over again and have come through them a stronger and better person. I know that I am strong enough to deal with anything that life gives me, but I would lying if I said that this was the way I wanted things to be! Right at this moment of writing, I am wishing that at some point I would have already paid my dues and I deserved a little less chaos and maybe a little less pain. I realize that I am indulging in a little bit of self pity, but regardless, I would so take an easier road if I saw one right now!
I am tired and emotionally and physically depleted.
I am in desperate need of some piece of mind.
I wouldn't turn away a fairy godmother right now either... but we all know that I won't be hearing a knock on my door anytime soon. My reality is what it is and I need to do my best to make the best of what it is...
and I'm going to get right on top of doing that...
tomorrow. Today I am giving myself the day to feel the sadness. I am allowing myself to mourn the loss of the fantasy so that tomorrow when I wake up I can deal with what my reality is.

Today I am honestly struggling to feel grateful for much.
But I AM grateful that my baby is healthy and growing well.
I am also thankful that my children are so inspiring to me, even in my darkest hours. I don't know what I would do without them, but I'm glad that is not one of the things I have to worry about!

2 weeks ago

2 weeks ago I went in for surgery.

I haven't been on since then, and I find myself overwhelmed with where to start.
This thing has rocked my world and sent it spinning and I don't like where it's ended up so far. I think that my head has far too many thoughts to write a cognizant post. I guess that it will have to be a bit of a random vomit session.

You have been warned.
***EDITED - ok after reading this wow... truly prepare yourself emotionally for a long winded post! I shouldn't have been gone so long!!***

This entire process has taken me into a whole new place, and quite frankly I have been really struggling with the repercussions.
It has put me in my head(with days and days of medicated fog), it has racked me with the most intense pain I have ever known(and I had my last two babies completely naturally). I like to think of myself as someone who can handle physical discomfort in general. I know lots of people say this and are wrong, but I think that I have a pretty high pain thresh hold. I have had an abdominal surgery before... and although it was 10 years ago, I was back to work in a week.
I'm still in pain... I was reminded today that it has only been two weeks.... take it easy.

well, it turns out that I don't take it easy well... I am a BAD patient. I don't like not being able to do things for myself. This is not the first time that I have had to sit back and watch my family struggle to keep things going (pregnancy issues)... we are a pretty well oiled machine as far as the daily chore type things... we all have our roles, and jobs that help to keep the family running smoothly.... small kids, means schedules make our lives functional.... well I do my share of things around here as does everyone else. Our lives are full... so me being out of the picture puts a little more onto everyone else in the house. That is hard for me to watch.
I have control issues, I guess. My house is my realm... I know where everything is... I am for sure the organizer of the house... so you can imagine how fun I was for the other folks in my house. I was so happy today when I could fix the pantry because people had stuff all over the place... clutter like that kills me... you couldn't tell by the rest of my house, but I am totally "sleeping with the enemy" about my cupboards(did I just date myself there?)
I tried to be nice to people but I'm sure I was a stinky wench on at least a few occasions. I took crazy amounts of pain killers for FIVE days.. I had thought it would be 3... I slowed down considerably but had to take a few for the next couple of days. I am still nursing my son... so I had to have a complicated medicine"plan" and skip a few at night so he could nurse... and the first few days by the time he was done nursing in the morning, I would be shivering from the pain ... truth be told I was hoping he might not be that interested in still nursing.. but he has come back with a furry. It's ok... just another layer onto my crazy sandwich right now. Hormones can suck. The up and downs of weaning are fun, fun stuff!

The first time I stood up in the hospital to try and pee... I fell to the ground. It felt like my whole front side was going to fall off. I have 11 entry spots... like a clock around my belly button.
my personal self satisfaction with the way that I look couldn't be more difficult right now.
I can't look in the mirror.
I have never felt this way about my body, and it is awful. I guess the truth is that I have been struggling for awhile, but this threw me way out of whack. I have been steadily trying to eat healthy...and have lost about 20 pounds(pre-pregnancy) since my son was born, but my hernia made things really hard... I am trying to use this time to really get my abs back under control... I am way out of shape..and I hate it. I just today did some very mellow stetches.. it felt really good. I am so focused on my abdominals right now (whether I want to be or not) that I figure I can just do isometric exercises all the time. while I lay and read I try and hold in from deep inside... it's something I coouldn't do for the last year and 4 months... any kind of stretching or exercising made my darn hernia pop..so my muscles are SOO weak! baby steps, right?

who knew that laying on my side was so important to me... your core is so instrumental in everything that you do.

I have only been able to stand/walk or lay down flat on my back because sitting is (still) fairly uncomfortable. I do have a yoga ball and that is what I sit at my desk with anyway...so that helps..it is much more gentle than chair.

My husband has been amazing throughout this time. He had one major meltdown... and it had been a week... and I'm sure I would have melted down at some point too. He works hard and then he had to take on my share...which is not so teensy... it's a lot all along with doing ALL the childcare(not used to it) and being "stuck" in the house all day(not very agreeable with that either), plus taking care of me(he tried but it takes a lot to take care of the kids..and they missed their Mama!). His meltdown came from me saying that instead of complaining about how much he was doing, he could say, wow, honey you do a lot around here for us when you're not broken, thank you... but I was a little self absorbed at the time... and truth betold it did sound a little ungrateful, but I still think it could've been nicer said in my way...

My doctor made a fat joke about me the day he came in to let me go home from the hospital.
me: I had just taken my first shower without my binding on..and it hurt and scared me for going home and not having rails to help me, or as much pain relief, and stuff like that.... well you know how in the hospital people knock, but then they just come in... well my surgeon did that ....when my nurse had just helped me put my binding back on and I was using the bed handles to pull myself up to a sitting position...
DR: hyuck hyuck hyuck, how ya doing there, as you pull that big thing up there... hyuck hyuck hyuck
ME: stony silence, thinking, really? did you just say that to me? ...as tears of anger, frustration, and humiliation start to run down my cheeks... I am an incredibly sensitive and emotional person... when I am in control of my stuff..... most people don't see it as much... but when in physical pain, and a drugged, foggy brain (have I ranted on how much I dislike those darn things? but wow, they do work and thank god for them...seriously), well the floodgates opened. albeit silent and bitter..tears nontheless... bastard
DR: so it was harder then you thought it would be huh?
ME: well yeah, I thought I'd be able to go home... and I didn't realize I would have so many holes in me
DR: hyuck hyuck hyuck ....patting my hand condescendingly... everyone says that. ok so I'm writing you a prescription for Vicoden, I'll see you on the 13th.
he walks out the door.
ME: flabbergasted... angry... hurting... scared...

I called my doctor's office on friday morning as soon as they opened ( I had fretted all day thursday about whether or not to call) because I had a few questions about my hernia and a few of my incisions. I get a return call from the receptionist 5 minutes before closing... oh the doctor's on vacation today(oh did you forget that when I talked to you this morning?) and the nurse is off today too(oh you neglected to mention that as well >:/). You DO realize you have an appointment on Tuesday(are you serious...I have to wait for 5 days for someone to answer a question that I feel is really important?)
yes, I know I have an appointment TUESDAY, you know what, never mind. thanks. bye. (this is where I screwed up. I should have been a bitch and said I needed to talk to someone right then.. then I wouldn't have worried for FIVE days. I didn't want to call the doctor on call at my doctor's office, because it was Good Friday, and it took me awhile to stop being really angry and able to think of solutions, Al was working his first long day and I was trying, but having a hard time keeping up with what I needed to be doing. If the stinking receptionist had told me in the morning that the doctor was out(and I had known this too, but forgot...I was doped up for days, I tell you...confused...sleepy) I would have been able to problem solve and call my doctor... I get weird about calling, because my sister is a doctor and I know it is hard on them... and I don't have insurance so I feel worse then if an insurance company paid them..anyway....
I wait til Tuesday and the doctor's appointment is cancelled because of an emergency surgery... which I get, but I already waited 5 days. Why couldn't a nurse called me Monday... why was that too much to ask?
So I ended up seeing a very nice doctor today, I have a rubber bouncy ball sized bump below where my hernia was repaired... it felt to me like a piece that I used to put back in before... I had been so swollen and dopey that I didn't notice it until last Thursday...and it felt like it was getting bigger(or maybe my swelling was gong down?) the thought that he had missed something or messed something up, threw me into a panic. the thought of going back under right now makes me want to cry.... and for 5 days I thought that because my doctor and his whole staff, was too busy to call me back. butt heads.
It turns out it is probably just a hematoma(?)(a bubble of blood/fluid) from the suture site which will most likely get re-absorbed into my body(Mmm). I'll find out when I go back in next Tuesday, if he doesn't get called into surgery, that is.
The thought of literally sticking needles into my eyes, sounds more appealing to me than going to see my doctor. rock on.

I am an ungrateful wench.... my uncle went into surgery a few days after me... he was not as lucky as I and went back again today... we are praying he will pull through.. its up and down for him.
I am fine. and ungrateful. rock on.

I really am feeling much, much better after talking with my doctor today. I am writing a letter to the hospital. It will be very polite but realistic about my frustrations with my doctor. They are real and valid.
I am so very thankful that soon, I will be feeling much better...everyday since Saturday has been a little bit more like me again...
oh and did I mention that I freaked out and cut off all of my hair? 5 days ago? and have cut it everyday since?
oh yeah... CARAZY!!
that's me.. my daughter threatened to take the scissors.. I told her don't bother there is nothing left! : ) it's just hair.. but I am still sad. I just wanted to trim it, but it just didn't look good any of the ways I cut it... it is literally a few inches all over now...I probably cut 8 inches in the back ... CARAZY!!
I think I was hormonal... and also my lovely eldest told me my hair made me look like a senior citizen before I cut it...
was that a compliment? really?
thanks kid...I'm in my frickin thirties for the love of Pete! thanks kid. way to boost my moral! <:/
anyway my belly is killing me at this point and I am drained. so sorry to have this be so convoluted... I have had a lot on my mind. oh and we dyed eggs and had a lovely day on Easter. mellow but lovely. I've missed being here. I promise the next post will make more sense! : ) good night!

Today I am thankful that the worst is over and only better time are coming!
Today I am thankful for the amazing, kind,and gentle nurses that I came in contact with during my stay in the hospital.
{by the way, I've been thinking of making cookies for the nurses station where I stayed... weird or nice? what do you think? and how many would I need..it seems like a lot! any ideas?)
I am grateful for my family for putting up with my cranky medicated BIG BUTT!!

struggle

struggle

that is the one word description of many different aspects of my everyday right now...

and it is frustrating

I hate it when I can't rearrange reality to fit into my happy perspective...

I want to see the light in everything, but when the negative things start piling up it gets a little more difficult.

I'm feeling discontent. which is unusual and disconcerting for me.

this didn't come out of nowhere, but it did become exponentially more difficult recently for no foreseeable reason.

our anniversary is coming up. since we got married on leap day we don't have the day this year... but we decided that we would try and take a night off together. we are getting a hotel room downtown and leaving the kids over night (at home with his mom and Emily) for the first time in 4 years. the babies are 3 and 16 months.... it should be fine... but I don't feel excited about that right now though...

I feel anxious about it ....

the man and I have been butting heads, rather consistently over everything and nothing...

does that ever happen to you?

it is so draining and I don't have the extra energy to expend right now.

I also have a fairly constant internal struggle going on in my head right now... I am trying to come up with proactive ways to make my situation different than it is.. but I'm not coming up with any good ones... the ones I try aren't working..

and hold on you might need to sit down for this...

but my bath DIDN'T work.

the first time ever in my recollection that it didn't help...

where do you go when your tried and true methods of relaxation stop working?

on a positive note:

my boy hugging a bear that my Grammie made

Emily and I going to a performance at CAPA last week.

after breakfast today... with Roscoe showing his new "picture" smile...hambone that one is!

my little ones (well, and one not so little one!) are incredible and help me find pleasure in my everyday.

I have been actively planning themed activities, with a good dose of "structured" learning time for my three year old, and she has been incredibly responsive... so I have been getting excited about the possibilities... I get so many ideas running around in my head, and I have been attempting to fit them into a lesson plan in my head... this is something that I did for over 8 years when Emily was a baby and growing up, so I enjoy it... but it ends up frustrating me because I want "stuff"... like supplies, construction paper, safety scissors, glue, paint... and we don't have extra money.. but we are going out for our anniversary...and we could use that $ for the "stuff" .....but man...

I think that I REALLY need this recharge of time with my hubby with no kids and no dishes and no laundry...if even just for one night...

how do you reconcile your own needs versus your kids?

I mean the truth is that 90% of my day is fulfilling other people's needs.. my kids, my husband..even the darn cats... and I not only don't mind, but I thrive on it... but at the same time, I NEED to have at least a very small portion (2%?) of the rest of my day for my partner to attentively listen and then even every once in awhile fulfill MY needs...

I feel like such a baby here...what about me... whah!!!

but seriously...I'm at a point right now where I have to ask

what about me?

why do I find myself having to negotiate ways to get my needs met?

when did I stop being a person worthy of someone else's effort...and not just a giver to everyone else?

I mean all I want is for him to adore and respect me for the Goddess that I am... that's not asking too much...right? : )

no but honestly a little appreciation would go a LONG way for me right now!

sigh...

I don't like where my head is at right now.. but I feel at a loss to do anything about it... I could(and do) take care of myself, but every now and then it would feel great to be taken care OF for a change!

Tonight I am thankful that I have a beautiful family that I GET to take care.

(but I'd love to have just one of my family to feel thankful for me, and somehow express that to me...)