My birthday and a sneak peek into the crazy

Well, I'd like to tell you all that I had an amazing birthday!

Hooray!

Ever since the very worst birthday ever (well- of my own, I might have recently been dethroned by a blogger friend, Tatts, who sadly wins the title now, that lucky girl!) the hubby actually makes great effort to try and give me a special day. Someday, I'll tell you my bad birthday story, but it's too depressing right now, so maybe next year!

This year my happy, happy involved sleeping in (or at least getting to go back to bed after I had to get up to pee in the early morning, this baby's getting heavy on the old bladder!), eating a leisurely breakfast that I got to make for myself (which is actually a very nice thing because there were no kiddos trying to eat it all or hanging on my legs, because Daddy had already fed them) then I got to walk on my treadmill for a mile and then take a relaxing bath, while the smell of my birthday cake wafted upstairs to the bathroom(and I didn't have to make it!!).

As far as I can tell that morning was just about perfect. The day continued fairly lazily at home, just kind of relaxing. Then I got a nice dinner, made by the man, this year it was Chicken Marsala with Baked Potatoes and Broccoli, followed by cake, ice cream AND a few gifts! Doesn't get much better than that!! None of them big or expensive, but they were all thoughtful, like a set of good measuring cups for baking(which I have been wanting for years), a lemon zester(so I don't have to use the big cheese grater anymore) and a Dymo labeler (which gave me a fun (for me) day project of relabeling all my whole grain jars one day... peeling off the old masking tape ones and having a unified system is something that most people wouldn't care about probably... but my crazy OCD brain was doing back flips of joy over it... really!!). It felt nice that the Mister had gone out of his way to get me a few things that would make me happy... and proved that even though it doesn't seem like it, a lot of the time... he really is listening when I am babbling on about my day. It felt really good to see how well he knows me, because lately it seems like our connection has had some serious glitches in it.

We got the kids to bed at a reasonable time and stayed up to clink wine glasses of Squirt at the stroke of midnight and welcomed in the New Year with some lovely birthday/new years loving which, as pregnant as I am, is not the norm for us right now, that's for sure!

So, I'd say it was a good memory for us... one to hold on to when things are not as calm and peaceful.... like practically every other day since then!!
BLAH!

I am really struggling right now to find my happy place. In my life, I have had some pretty serious struggles, with what I call my darkness. My darkness is full of ugliness and pain, loneliness and abuse of different levels throughout different parts of my past. It is my constant companion. It is not always on the forefront of my mind. Throughout the years I have even managed to forget about it on a conscious level at times, but it has ways of reminding me that it is there. It pops it's ugly head up every once in awhile, just so that I don't forget about its presence. It effects my daily behavior in ways that I don't always recognize and which often aren't on a super healthy level.

I have had A LOT of therapy in my life. I have read A LOT of books about any number of psychological issues, self help books, self esteem building, and so forth. My darkness is WELL COVERED TERRITORY!! But no amount of counseling or self help or even self awareness really stops the darkness. I'm not sure how much of the darkness I am ready to bring to light here on my blog right now, but at the moment it has gotten a pretty good hold on me. I am seeing a therapist every week. And it is helping.... sort of. I go in and I talk about my darkness and I cry. I talk about things going on in my life right now and things that happened a long time ago. I talk about how the things from long ago still effect me and my choices now and I talk about how to make better choices. I talk about what things are and are not in my control. I talk about my fears and pain and worries. I talk about feeling alone and misunderstood and frustrated. I talk about my kids, my husband, and myself.
I talk and talk and talk.
I get tired of talking sometimes.

I talk to my husband... not about my darkness much actually.... although he knows most of the basic facts, I haven't really shared deeply with him about any particular situation or the feelings they bring up or how some of them can haunt me. The truth is that I would love to talk with him about these things, but the man gets overwhelmed when I want to talk about what is happening with us at any given moment and he isn't capable of hearing me... so I don't bother. As it is I talk to him too much.... at least that it how it seems to me, most of the time.

My husband is kind of the quiet brooding type. I used to think that it was intriguing and mysterious... now I find it extremely frustrating. He has such a difficult time connecting to his own emotions and his own darkness, that he couldn't possibly relay it to me. This bothers me to no end. I get tired of trying to figure out what is in his head. I used to joke with him that I wished he had a button on his forehead that I could push to get at the information floating around in there.... now I wonder if there is any at all. I'm not saying that he is dumb.... just that we don't have the same way of thinking about things. I don't think that he has the constant flow of thoughts that I do.

I think A LOT!
I think way too much... about way too many things... generally all at the same time. I am thinking about many different things at any given moment... not just about my darkness past and present but also including all the things that I am trying to keep straight in respect to my daily duties as a Mama.
like...
What's for breakfast, snack, lunch, snack.... ?
when did the kids eat last?
do they really need another snack?
when did Sophia pee last?
has Roscoe sat on the potty recently?
when was his last poop?
are the dishes done?
what's for dinner?
is it defrosting, or should I be prepping something?
are we learning enough today?
what is that awful smell?
who's crying?
why are they crying.... ?
add into that the constant stream of 4 year old conversation... because well the poor thing is my offspring so she literally doesn't stop talking from the moment she wakes up to the moment she goes to bed....
add to that the constant stream of two year old conversation because he also is my offspring and chats merrily away from sunup to sundown as well... but of course with him I don't understand about half of what he says and have to stop everything for a minute... oh about every 5 minutes or so and look at him while he speaks because I have this fantasy that it somehow helps me understand what the heck he's talking about... honestly sometimes I just have to say uh-huh, because I still don't get it.
All of that is probably from about five minutes in my head.

Is it any wonder I am exhausted?

Then add to that the fact that I have constant inner dialogue about what is going on with me and the baby... who is at the stage where she is really pretty interactive now. She moves all the time and is responsive to my touch and voice now. She loves orange juice, clementines, and grapefruit. She obviously gets quite a sugar rush from the citrus because she rocks out in there after I eat them! She is starting to play the poke the belly game, where she kicks and I rub and then I push (gently of course) or rub and she kicks me where she felt the pressure. She gets really active when I get angry(which I must admit is WAY to often lately). I'm not sure if it my adrenaline or the raised voice that make her move.

I am officially in my third trimester now. I think that this is my favorite time, because although I am starting to lose the glorious second trimester energy level, I get much more interaction with my little one now, which is awesome!

I feel completely unprepared right now to have another baby. I am starting to feel a little panicked about how little we have actually done. We had the holidays for most of my second trimester and now that they are over, I keep thinking about how soon we will be welcoming another whole little person into our lives. We have most of what we will need because we have had two babies in the last 4 years... so most of what we need is in the attic... but it is not organized or washed or anything yet. I think it is officially time to get it all together. The problem with that right now is that I need my husband's help to get to all the stuff because it's buried under a bunch of other crap up there. He just doesn't feel the same urgency that I do about it... which stinks. I try to explain to him that a lot of this is my crazy hormones and it would just be easier to give me one good afternoon of moving stuff around and getting it to where I could do it myself.... but he has yet to see the light.

Man, sometimes I wish he could be the one having the baby. I wish he could feel all the crazy ups and downs and sense of immediacy that is pretty much out of his own control. Just for a week... or maybe even a month... and then I think he'd be a little more compassionate... or at the very least just help me do what I feel like I need to do so that I would get off his back about it. The thing is, if I go up there and start moving all that stuff around on my own I would most likely hurt myself and he would get terribly upset that I was so impatient and irresponsible... but I don't think he understands how hard it is to wait right now. I am not the best example of patience right now.

Wow! This post let's you all into the crazy that is my brain right now. I bounced all over the place with this one. I am feeling rather scattered right now in general, so I guess that makes sense.
Even reading through this post makes me feel like ... geez Ruth take a breath and relax!
I'm not crazy every second of every day... but probably more days than I'd like to be right now! I am actually enjoying my pregnancy much more now than I was earlier on when I was feeling sick and more worried. Now that I have reached a good point of viability I feel relieved. And although I don't feel ready to give birth tomorrow.... I probably won't. I still have a good amount of time until this little one will be ready to join us here, but knowing that if something unexpected did occur, the baby would have a good shot at making it helps. Plus, I no longer have a blood clot or any active internal bleeding and knowing that gives me much more peace of mind! I will have another sonogram in about three weeks to check back in with our little one and I am feeling pretty good about what we will see. The strength and length of this new little person are demonstrated to me on a daily basis now... so even if it's not a 10 pounder... I think we've got a good strong healthy one in here!
I hope that you all are having a wonderful new year so far!

Today am grateful that I have set up a support system for myself for after the baby is born... just in case I need a little extra help.
I am thankful that even when I struggle with my own dark thoughts, I am still able to smile and laugh everyday with my kids.
I am thankful that I get to sleep in again tomorrow because I have stayed up way too late writing this post tonight!! : )

The holiday season

Hooray!
The holidays are over!!
This might not be a popular stand, but it is definitely my favorite part of the whole season... when they are over!!

I actually enjoy the holiday season quite a bit, but there is always so much to do and never enough time to do it all.

Our holiday season really starts in October. We have more birthdays in two weeks than we have for the rest of the year (for now) in our small unit, not to mention the addition of some close and important extended family mixed in... so we go from one birthday to the next, to the next, (you get the point times 5), ending with Halloween (and homemade costumes), and then the hubster's birthday the next day.

We hit major harvest sometime from the middle to the end of the month of October and running through November, which at my house means lots of canning.
I truly enjoy harvest time, because I LOVE to reap the rewards from a long hard season of love, work, and care in the garden, but the nature of the whole thing is that you must preserve your harvest immediately or you loose a lot of the goodness in a surprisingly short amount of time. At the same time I usually make jams, jelly, and fruit butters with local harvests from the farmer's market, too.

Then of course we have Thanksgiving. It is one of my favorite celebrations, but as our family has grown, not surprisingly, the family pressures have also grown. There tends to be a little bit of drama about who will be coming over to our house. I prefer to have just the immediate family, but my husband wants to have all of his family over too... and although the holiday is about family and sharing, the truth is that his brother and the accompanying clan stress me out -A LOT!! They have a complete different set of ideas about how to live and I would rather enjoy my favorite people than pretend to graciously welcome people I don't enjoy, into my home. I know that it sounds terrible, but there is a long bit of history behind my feelings... and the bottom line is we have a full house on our own. The other part of the situation is that if we don't host them, then they don't do anything on their own. Neither his mother or his brother and family participate unless it is a free from commitment, expense, or hassle day at our house... which makes me feel like somehow we are responsible for every ones happiness. To me if you can't be bothered to do it for yourself (or even offer a little help to us) then why should that be our responsibility? I mean the addition of 7 more people is more than double our own family unit, even after the baby is born. We always make a way to have a dinner, but I buy things for weeks in advance so that we can absorb the expense of this one meal. We don't go crazy with dozens of things, just your basic meal, but we have a pretty tight budget every week, so it does need some tightening both before and after the big day.

Then of course after Thanksgiving, we have about 3 weeks until Christmas, which is not very long at all... every. single. year! We go to a Solstice Party every year (around the 21rst) where all the adults make homemade gifts for the children and having three kids means that I have to make three gifts. I love to make things from the heart and every year I use it as an excuse to make something I have never made before. This is a blessing and a curse because it is a way to flex my creative streak with a definite deadline(which I need because I often have two or three things going on at once) and also a thrill to imagine and then create something from my head and have it work out (or not) pretty much like I wanted it too. At the same time, I, of course, am making things for my kids and my niece for Christmas, and it can get down to the wire and does pretty much every year.

Add in a little bit of stress, worry, and drama from being pregnant (where for me EVERYTHING is more difficult to achieve, especially with the placental issues and bleeding I had early on this time around) and you have about two and a half months of a little too much (things to do, things to make, family stress, family arguments) with a few too few resources (time, money, patience, and sometimes compassion).

So now that I have purged all that negativity out... and can now have a few deep, audible sighs of relief, let me tell you my favorite parts of the last three months! Because although I didn't intend it to be so, I realize I just whined and complained about the whole season, and the truth is that some of my favorite parts of the entire year are rolled right up inside of the whole thing. I guess that sometimes I wish that there was just a little more breathing room in between it all...

The best times:
This year we had a ridiculously warm Fall so I had a secondary pepper and tomato harvest, so I made twice as much Hot Pepper Jelly and can give some to all of my neighbors... which makes me feel all warm and squishy inside.

We had a dual birthday party for the two little ones this year and made THE COOLEST spider cupcakes with licorice and black sugar, which were a huge success and really fun at the same time!

I made a spider costume for Sophia(yes there was a running theme here...) that had been in the works inside my head for over two years... and it came out pretty flippin' awesome! She LOVED it and I'm betting Roscoe will be a spider next year (score! pre-done homemade awesome costume for next year!! yay!)

This year, although it didn't go the way I had hoped (with over a month advance warning, and grown up straightforward conversation) we had only our own immediate family for Thanksgiving and we had a very nice stress free day. Well, almost, until the turkey took three hours longer than expected and I had a slight starving pregnant woman meltdown for about the last 15 minutes before dinner was done... and trust me if other people HAD been here during said meltdown many an unfortunate word would have been spoken that couldn't have been taken back and probably would have made family tensions MUCH, MUCH worse!! : P

This year I made a stuffed bear and a bunny for two of my gifts, and my daughter(the 14 yr old) made a matching bracelet and necklace set for the other child. When it came time to exchange gifts my little girl, who got the bunny, JUMPED up and down and hugged it and made general merriment, which was absolutely the coolest reward for the time and energy put into this hand sewn item!! AND my husband saw the response which, I think from the smile on his face, finally gave him a glimpse of why I do this every year! (sadly, he doesn't understand the big deal about hand making anything... food, gifts or otherwise... which is one of the many differences in our thinking that causes a fair amount of chaos in our everyday lives together.)

Our kids had a great Christmas!
Santa managed to get them their little hearts desires... a cool wooden cash register that Sophia has had her eye one since before last Christmas, a beautiful handmade soft doll for Roscoe, which he is already very attached to and has named Kitty(?), and a couple of gorgeous handmade aprons for Emily(she loves being in the kitchen with me and is an excellent baker!).
We have been feeling the economy crunch this year... Al works in the restaurant business which of course falls off when people have less money... which means fewer hours per paycheck which makes a big difference to our budget. As long as the kids were taken care of, we were not too worried about whether or not we would have presents under the tree. To make matters worse right before Christmas this year, Al had a small accident because of an awful ice storm and needed to replace his two front tires... it had to be done for safety's sake, which took away any little wiggle room that we had, but somehow that sneaky Santa managed to put a present under the tree for me this year! Al managed to get me a sewing machine that I had had my eye on that was on a super holiday sale of 50% off! I was completely surprised and immensely grateful, if not a little guilty because we had said no presents. I had gotten him a box of his favorite candy(Ferrero Confections variety pack...YUM!!), but it obviously didn't have the same effect!
So now I have a hundred and two projects floating around in my head for my new machine! I am a self taught crafter. I don't use patterns and I hand sew everything I do, because I didn't have a machine, but also because I feel a little intimidated by it. This is a very simple little machine. It only has a few different stitches and not a lot of bells and whistles... but it is PERFECT for me... because anything more exciting and I would be too scared to use it!

I have been having a hard time trying to post pictures on blogger lately, but I welcome any of you to look at my recent belly shots up on Flickr.
I hope that you have all had a fabulous holiday and I apologize for my lack of attendance lately. Things have been just a touch overwhelming around these parts... did I mention that I am 2/3 of the way through this pregnancy and fighting crazy nesting urges on top of everything else that has been going on? Why is it that I never notice how dirty the top 3 feet of our 12 foot tall kitchen walls are when I am not huge, off balance, and dangerous on the top of a ladder? Or why my hormones dictate that every single floor board MUST be spotless before my MIL comes over for Christmas Eve celebrations? I am not a neat freak usually... I don't have the time or inclination to dust everything every week (HA! even every month usually), but the hormones, they are a powerful force to reckon with and at the very least my house is much tidier than usual right now!! Which we all know is a good thing in a round about way since no one will be doing it again for the next 6 months or so!! : )

Alright, I wish you all a very Happy New Year because, good intentions aside, I will probably not post again until after it has arrived! Although I might surprise you because New Year's Eve is also my birthday and I like to let everyone know ( I am decidedly needy as far as making up for crappy birthdays of yore)... but just in case...

I hope that you all had a lovely holiday and are basking in the relief of the end of the crazy busy season. I wish you all the very best in the coming new year and hope that you can all look back and see many things that made you smile and be grateful, to be who you are, where you are, headed in the direction that you are going!

Today I am grateful to have made it through another crazy 3 month long holiday season in one piece!
I am thankful to have so many happy memories to look back on over the last year.
I am thankful to have such bright prospects of joy and fulfillment looking towards the new year.

Surprise!!

I have been absent again.

I know, you are probably used to it at this point.

There is a different reason that I have been away this time though. I am on the verge of another big life change... again. And it has so taken over my thoughts and processing that I haven't been able to focus on anything else for long enough to write a cohesive post. I've tried several times... my drafts are starting to outnumber my actual posts at this point! : )

Well, what could be so life altering that I couldn't focus on anything else?

That's right... surprise!

We are having another baby!
What!?!

This was not part of my plan on what I would be doing for the next 2 years (because you know the pregnancy really takes 10 months and we all know there is nothing outside as important as whatever is going on with a newborn baby for the first year or so).

I had a few suspicions, because when I was going on my walks I got really light headed a few times. So one afternoon when I got back from a walk (the kiddos were still napping) I found an old test and went into the bathroom to take it. I really thought that it would be negative, and was taking it just to ease my mind (if I thought I actually WAS pregnant I would have waited until the next morning). My hubby happened to be home that day and was taking a bath... when I told him what I was doing, he just rolled his eyes at me, I guess he didn't think I would be either...

I am excited and happy, now. But I must admit that when I first found out, I had an adjustment period to deal with. I have known for over a month already, and honestly I am still in a little bit of shock. I am really good at knowing my own body and what is going on as far as the womanly works go... but as my midwife so lovingly reminded me, I am getting older... and things can get a little wonky around my age. Here's hoping that after my next appointment my uterus growth is on target because twins would throw me for another loop... not to mention I couldn't continue care with my beloved midwife practice because of becoming a complicated pregnancy... but that is jumping ahead to unlikely circumstances... but then again this was surprise, so...

Anyway, my initial shock gave way to a fair number of worries and a lot of tears at first. I had an explosion of different thoughts, worries, and anxiety.

Here's a few of the things that I was worried about.

Truthfully and selfishly, I was excited to be getting to focus on myself for the first time in a long time. I was doing really well with my desire to get healthier and more fit. I had reached 3/4 of the way to my first weight loss goal and had a secondary one already in mind for when I had reached my first big 100 pound milestone. I was excited to be occasionally putting my needs before the needs of others, every single second of the day. It's felt good. I wasn't all stoked on giving that up right away.

For the first time in my life (even when I found out about Emily) I wasn't immediately thrilled. I had never felt that way before and it made me feel terrible. I cried and cried. I wasn't crying about having another baby, but about not feeling super excited from the second I found out. My poor husband was amazing. He was so supportive and listened to me rattle off all the reasons that this just wasn't the right time (there are some more complicated explanations forthcoming) and he just smiled and hugged me and looked me in my eyes and told me how happy he was and how much he loved me. He told me that I was the best Mama he has ever known and that this baby was going to be lucky to have me. And he gently reminded me that contrary to my assertion on certain days... I'm not actually controlling the universe. Oh yeah. I forgot that for a moment. I don't know what I would have done if he had reacted any other way. Reason # 239 to keep him around a little longer! ; )

I called our family therapist the next day and made an appointment with her that week. I talked with her about all of the things that were bothering me. I talked about my selfish thoughts(reasonably selfish, but selfish nonetheless). I talked about how I was worried that this wouldn't be good for me and Al's relationship. And the hardest thing of all, my GUILT. My sister's daughter just turned four and they have been trying to get pregnant since she turned one. I also have had several friends miscarry in the last 6 months. And one of them very recently, and she's not doing well. I just feel bad about how easy it is for me and Al to conceive together. My sister is going to have a really hard time with this news. I still haven't told her. I have tried to call her, but she has been busy and hasn't been returning my calls. I can't email her something like this. When our mutual friend got pregnant the first month they tried, my sister was so upset. She confided in me how unfair it was and how angry she was... and then our friend lost the baby, and of course my sister feels terribly guilty about her feelings... it just is a bit of a mess. I honestly would have talked with her before we started trying, if this had been a planned thing, and she knows that. It somehow feels a little more cruel that she will know that not only did it happen again for us, but that we weren't even trying.

meh- it kind of stinks.

The truth is that I am afraid of losing my sister for the next year or so because of this, and it makes me sad. And just for a little background, when she got pregnant with her daughter, we also got pregnant about 3 months later. My sister hardly talked to me for my entire pregnancy. I guess she thought we were trying to steal her thunder or something? I don't know, we never talked about it because I was just so happy to be on speaking terms with her again, but it did hurt me a lot, because of course that wasn't the point. We were just ready to start growing our family too. We actually had been casually trying for a few months when she got pregnant.

sigh... I wish that it didn't have to be so complicated. I wish that I knew that she would be happy for us, but the truth is, I don't think that she will be, and that does make me sad. What it boils down to though, which my therapist did her best to help me understand(I'm almost there... I am sure that once I actually am able to tell her my anxiety over the situation will lesson tremendously) is that whatever issues my sister might have to deal with really has nothing to do with me. She has her own issues and they are hers to deal with. I can't make her pregnant and I can't make her accept that she might not have another baby. I have absolutely no control over her situation. It is not mine to fix or solve. I have to let her deal with this news however she is going to deal with it. I can hope for the best, as I always do, and that is about the extent of what I can do. The same goes for my grieving friends. They will all have their own reactions, and hopefully when they have dealt with them, they will come to be happy for us and our new blessing. After all 9 months is a long time to come to acceptance!

On a much more positive note, I told my mother the other night and she was actually really happy for us! For most of you that might be a given, but she has never really been too happy before, so I was convinced she would be negative about it... but she wasn't! Yay! So there is always hope!

My oldest daughter cried, but now is doing pretty well with the information. I'm sure that with her starting high school and being a teenager the last thing she wants is more competition for time and attention, but she is great with her other siblings and I'm sure she will do well with it, after a little acceptance period of her own. It is still so early that we haven't done any explaining to the little ones yet. I have hardly told anyone yet actually, for fear of someone saying something and my sister hearing it from somewhere other than me. Also, of course, you are supposed to wait until after 12 weeks, but I feel like I might explode if I try and keep this in another month longer! Now that I am excited about it, I find myself saying things to random strangers I am talking with at the store or at the dentist's office. It is exciting news for most people and it has felt good to get to share without worrying about it somehow being hurtful! My MIL (for all of her faults, thinks I'm a good mom and adores our kids) was so excited she almost caused an accident while Al was driving, which was also a nice reaction... sort of! : )

My family doesn't read this, but now I am worried about posting it. Maybe I should make sure that she knows from my lips first just in case... well it felt good to purge it, but I really did want to share my exciting news with everyone here.

Well, if this has an addendum you will understand why now.
And for now, I wish you all happiness and peace. Good night!

***Addendum***
Ok, so I actually wrote this about a week ago now, and have tried calling my sister SO MANY TIMES!!!! I am getting frustrated with it because I want it off my chest, already!! She has not called me back, but left me notes on facebook saying she'll call soon... grrr. Anyway, I know she really has been super busy, her in laws have been here for the last month and they stay with her, much to her dismay, they make her crazy! They just left Friday, so now that they are gone, I'm sure I will be able to reach her soon! I have, in the last week, really decided that no matter what her reaction might be, it will be ok. I am doing my best to not worry quite so much about how other people might react to my news and just stopped and connected with myself and my new little person. It amazes me every time how much love you can feel for such a small thing that you have never met. But I already feel so much and know that regardless of what my own plans had been. This is what I am supposed to be doing right now. I do hope that I get ahold of my sister soon, and that she will be happy for us, but either way I am so excited about heading down this familiar path once again! : )

Today I am thankful that I have been blessed with the gift of being a vessel for another beautiful soul. I can't wait to meet you. I love you so much already!
I am thankful that I have such an amazing husband, and that he is such a great dad!
I am thankful that I am the healthiest I have been in the beginning of a pregnancy and hope that it helps me to have a healthy pregnancy!

The Mouse in my Pocket

I have been wanting to do a post on the hiking that I have been doing for a few months now. I have a bit of insomnia tonight... so instead of laying in bed not sleeping, I decided to catch up on my blogging! (ok putting up pictures takes me a really long time because of the stupid space thing that happens... but I don't do html so I don't have other options... hence two days later finally getting this post up! hey, I'm trying!)

I have so many good ideas for blogs, so I reached into my brain bag and thought it should be about my hikes in the local park. When I walk up to the park near my house I lose myself in the solitude, yet connectedness of nature. So I thought that I would give you a view, as though you were a mouse in my pocket! : )

The main reason I started walking this park was for the exercise, but very soon I realized that one of the things that had been missing in my everyday life was connecting with nature. I have always had a strong connection to our earth. Being surrounded by nature has always made me feel more peaceful. While I am there to work up a sweat, I cannot describe to you how amazing and beautiful I think my surroundings are. I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE the city that I live in. It is, in my heart, my home, which is something that I have been searching for my whole life. I was an army brat... which for those of you who don't know, means that I moved every year or less for the majority of my childhood. It sucked. I hated it A LOT! Some people do fine with all that change, but I am a person who feels contentment with having a friendly and familiar environment. The way that I grew up makes my feeling of "home" here, that much more significant to me.

Anyway, every time I take my walks I see all this beautiful scenery and think to myself "I should bring my camera and take pictures of my view along the way." So, I finally did the other day. It turned out I didn't get quite as many good shots as I thought, at first, because I couldn't slow down enough to get a good one... but since I often do a few "laps" around my course, I put in a good hike and then did another round and took some pictures. Unfortunately, it has become the land of gray and rain around here lately, so the pictures are not as beautiful as I'd like... but if I wait for perfection you'll never get to see the post... so here we go! : )

I am about to put up a gillion pictures, so prepare yourself emotionally!

This was where I started taking pictures. I was already past the regal park entrance, and all the beautiful flowers, and the fountain... but that is a whole other post... : )

This hill leads down to some of the stairs I hit on my walk. And there are lots of stairs on this route!

Looking back up the same hill, we just jogged down.

One of the many waterfalls that help keep the water flow(from all the darn rain!) headed towards the right direction.

Some stairs heading up the hill towards the reservoir.

The path heading up. It is a little sad because I'm not sure how much of the raw beauty is coming through my cruddy pictures... I hope there is a least a glimmer.

ok, I know this one is dark, it was a gray day and it actually rained a little during my hike... but wait for it... it's worth it! ; )

almost there now...

ahhhh!

The sound of running water is so refreshing, when you are starting to get tired and ready to be done working hard. For me, it gives me enough of a push to head up towards some MORE stairs!! : )

Over the little wishing bridge... and yes, I make a wish every time! ; )... and up another set of stairs which I go up and then back down, and then past everything we just saw, towards a different turn off of the path.

Down another set of stairs(I don't know why I didn't take one of them, because they are cool looking...) and we hit another set of stairs ! : ) I like this one because it has two sides on the bottom section and I get to go down one and up the other. Hey, give the hot, tired girl a break something has to keep me going! : )

Just a pretty little nook. These little things, honestly, give me endless pleasure while I am out releasing my endorphins! : )

the bottom of another set of stairs, along the path that leads down to the pond. I couldn't take a downward shot because there were a bunch of kids down on the dock(?, would you call that a dock in a pond...) and I felt creepy taking random strangers' pictures!

So, one of the many reasons I would think about bringing along my camera was this weed. That's right!! This is the biggest, coolest weed I have ever seen! It is easily a foot taller than me, and the top is covered by tiny yellow flowers. I just think that is neat! : ) I know I AM easily amused, but at least I live my life with lots of laughter!; )

This is one of my most disappointing photos for me, because I couldn't capture the feeling that I get when I look at it. On the right, the green is actually thousands of wild flowers that you can't see very well, and to me it looks like the entrance way to a magical fairy kingdom. My kids love this area too... but we don't go that often because it is over 100 stairs up to the top.. and they don't love taking the stairs even half as much as I do... and I don't end up feeling very patient about it. It's hard to take over 30 minutes doing something you do by yourself in about 6! : )

Another portion of the stairs up from the entrance way.

Not all of the stairs are grouped together, some of them are grouped in 2's, others in 10, all with some amount of hill in between.

This is the path up from the last set of stairs, on that big 'ol hill.

Walking over the top of where I just came from... walking the path that follows the road around the reservoir.

This is looking straight ahead instead of down, and actually heading right back to where the pictures started... there is a lot of overlapping ground in my routine because there are several different ways up and down the hill... which is awesome because the more stairs and climbing the better! : )

Most of the time after I have finished my hike in the woody area, I will go up and walk around the reservoir, which is a 1 mile track. After the hike it feels really good to be on flat land and I can really fly around it in pretty good time. I have experimented and I walk almost 4 minutes faster a mile AFTER a hike. I guess I get really pumped with all the stairs and the flat feels SO much easier! : )

This is a picture of another set of stairs that I will add to the the reservoir walk if I am feeling spunky. It ends up being about 75% of the time, but sometimes I am just too tuckered out!

This set of stairs is what first got me started on my somewhat of a stair obsession! It leads up from the outer path/road, up to the track. I only hit the bottom 30 or so steps once...

but once I get to the Y in the steps, I go up one side and down another, as many times as I can in a row. It's 35 steps each side. The first time I did it, I went 3 times and felt like I might just die! Now I do 10! Although around 9 and 10 I will often grunt out loud because it really works my thighs, no cheating and using hands! I have been known to startle a few fellow walkers! : ) It is kind of embarrassing, because they don't know I've just done 9 laps... but it's ok.. I know, so I think it's kind of funny. Especially when people look scandalized... because I'm a jerk like that! : )

Ok, the reason for this shot is a cool view from above, but also a funny story.

The young women at the bottom(that you can hardly see) were there with their trainer, doing whatever they were doing... and they noticed me going around in circles. So the trainer sends up one of the young ladies to do what I am doing.

Well, even though I am getting stronger and more fit, I'm still overweight and fair-skinned and when I work out my face gets very red. This does not mean I'm not a bad ass... but lots of people make that false assumption. In fact, another reason I stopped just doing the track was the number of negative comments I got from other people there. The woody area is a much nicer place for me... but I digress..

So young chippy comes up and goes around once and goes back down. I keep going. I actually felt pretty uncomfortable because I could feel people watching me and usually don't have strangers just blatantly staring at me while I am grunting around the darn stairs, BUT, I can't let other people ruin my groove... so I kept going. Then after another couple laps, the trainer sends the girl up again. She went faster this time, but still did one lap and then went back down. Then the trainer sends both the girls up at the same time. The one that hadn't done it before, did more than one lap, but the first one did just one again. Although we were headed in different directions we both just happened to hit the Y at the same time, and as I was finished with my laps, we both end up going down together. I can't help it, I am competitive by nature... so I left her in the dust. As I was jogging by the trainer at the bottom, I heard him start talking to the girl saying how she should have been much faster than me... why was I up on my toes when she wasn't... blah, blah, blah... how's she gonna let some fat lady beat her down the stairs. Although it was a backhanded compliment with the whole fat lady comment... I took it as a HA! instead. It made me feel like I really am a bad ass, and just because I'm not young and thin doesn't mean that I am not a rock star. I'll reach my goals eventually and I am doing it the right way by becoming physically as strong as I have always been mentally.

I'm in a better place than I have been in a very long time, and I gotta tell ya, it feels SOOOO good!! Thanks for bearing with me on my self-indulgent journey around the park! I hope that you enjoyed the beauty, and I hope that it inspires you to go out and find a little nature of your own to rock out in!! : ) I know that I am rarely here right now, but with summer starting to come to an end, I feel like I have to be out and about as much and as often as I can be because all too soon the leaves will be falling and the snow and coldy-cold weather soon to follow that. I have to take advantage of this beautiful time of year while it is here! Most days I am lucky enough to go to the park with the kids in the morning and by myself after Al gets home from work. I probably spend 4-5 hours there on those days, about 4-5 days a week! : )

I hope that all of you are doing well, in your own little worlds! I am sending out light and love and happiness to you all!

Today I am thankful to have such an abundance of beauty all around me!

I am grateful that my hubby is so supportive of me being gone for 1 1/2-2 hours a day, when he doesn't work late!

I am grateful that the city I live in thinks that the park is as important as I do. I don't know what I would do without it!! :)

Home is where the heart is!

Wow!
I had a great trip!

I don't think I could have a had a better time! I had time to myself, to think. I had time to exercise whenever I wanted to.. that was awesome! I saw my grandparents... what a gift... I wish I had had more time with them! I got to see some old friends. I got to spend time with just Emily, which is rare so very much enjoyed, since we were such a team for such a long time. I had two LONG travel days so it was SOOOO short! it was only 3 days without travel and that is not alot of time when you haven't been somewhere in 5 years!! I truly enojoyed this break from my everyday life! It put a few things into perspective which I may have been feeling a little skewed in my head lately.

This last week that I have been home I have been playing catch up.

My husband did an amazing job with the kids! In fact, I was hoping he would be happy to go back to work and get away, giving me all kinds of accolades on the difficult job I do everyday... but he wishes he could be a Mr. mom I think. I was very proud and touched by how well he did while I was away. The house condition was surface lovely and kind of crazy underneath the piles, but the most important thing was that the kids were happy.... and they were.

Go Dad!! : )

I found out a number of things about myself while I was away. I found out that if left to my own devices and no time restraints or babies underfoot, I will exercise like a crazy woman... just because I can! I woke up at 6 every morning and went for the most incredible walks in the desert. I saw all kinds of desert life and even saw a lizard caught by a bird of prey about 7 yards away. It was fascinating... a little scary.. and definitely awe-inspiring! I also got to go swimming every single day, often twice, because my mom has a pool. I didn't know how much exercise AND relaxation you could get from a pool! I found out that I really love being around my kids everyday(which I already knew... but that fact was reinforced!). At first it was very hard. I cried myself to sleep the first night because I missed my babies so much. I also realized that my day to day can be a little overwhelming at times, and I need to investigate ways to proactively change that. It took me a few days to miss my man. We are having a difficult period of growth right now that is a little painful. I have faith that at the other side is a better and more fullfilling relationship for both of us... but right this second, it is a little straining. We have an amazing amount of love for each other, but we have a few bad habits that we are working on. That being said, while I was away I did nothing but talk all kinds of nice on him, I think. I met up with a ex..whatever... and the truth is I was hoping for a little innocent flirtation... instead I ended up annoying him with talking about how great my hubby is... and truthfully feeling at the time... ok, Ruth, that's one more what-if crossed of my list! I love my husband more than I can explain, but at times I fanatsize about a slightly easier life. At this point this is the longest relationship I have every maintained... and sometimes I wonder if every choice I made has been the right one... but, I guess my truth is that I wouldn't want to be anywhere else... with anyone else... doing anything else. I love my life and my family and as flawed as we are.... we love each other. We want the best for each other and work as hard as we can to make our lives what we want them to be. I don't think you could ask for anything more than that! : )

ok maybe I could ask for the winning lottery numbers, but as far as the really important things... we've got our bases covered! : )

Sadly for me, there was a slight memory card snafoo, so I don't have any pictures of my vacation, until Emily comes home and brings them to me. But, what I do have are some shots that my hubby took for me, while I was missing my kids.

...and also a few shots from the garden. Involving the same memory card issue, I don't have a lot of new shots from the garden, but hopefully tomorrow I will be able to get some... I think I've fixed the problem at this point.(ok I am not adding the photos, but promise to be on soon to update on the beautiful garden that has been developing this season!!)

For now enjoy a few happy moments in the last 2 weeks! : )




Al had never uploaded a picture, so I showed him how right before I left. This is my idea of a test shot... charming woman really I am.... : )













The kids at the Science Center while I was away.





Al and the kids in the awesome hanging castle we got last christmas that my hubby finally hung up while I was away! : )










Sophia with a new outfit my grammie made for the bear my sister made for the girls.







Roscoe flirting with himself in the mirror. He is NOT supposed to be up on that basket.. but he can't see otherwise, so I look away! : ) That is his favortie hat of the moment! I love mirror shots!




Today I am grateful for the loving family I have and the fullfillment I receive from them everyday!
I am thankful that I got to have a little get-away to relax and remind myself what my important things are!
I am grateful that I got to see how strong I have become, even if I don't always have the time to show myself here at home!!

VACATION!!

Wooo Hoo!
I am headed to AZ to see my grandparents, Mom, Step Dad and some old friends.... tomorrow!
My dear friends I have been doing so many exciting things.... just to name a few
Making Kim Chi
canning my first soup, a Turkey Vegetable Soup in my steam canner
discovering (and falling in love with) a brand new vegetable from the Farmer's Market, Kohlrabi and finding fun uses for them.
I have been taking pictures of everything... and the truth is I have no time right now for leisure activities.
Sadly, I am so busy doing fun stuff I don't have as much time to tell you about it. I am hoping to adjust and come back more often..... sorry.
I know that I keep coming here and saying sorry ...whoops it's been awhile...so at this point I am going to stop apologizing and just do what I can, when I can. I hope that you all know that I still read you and think of you too!
For now I have to go finish packing because I have to leave at 5:00AM.... yikes! It is about 2:00AM and I am still packing... so short and sweet. I will take lots of pictures and do my darndest to put them up!
I have had so many crazy emotions about this trip... that I would think about sharing.. and then I would be pooped and head to bed! ; )
I am leaving my babies for the very first time... as well as my hubby. The oldest is coming too and staying for over 3 weeks! She does this every summer and gets good and spoiled... hangs out by herself... has time to create and just be... and it is great for her. I am joining her this year because I haven't seen my grandparents in 5 years... and they are getting older and I just don't want to miss the opportunity to see them in person and not just hear about them through Facebook! I wish that we lived closer.. they mean so very much to me... so I am going to get to re-connect with them. I will also go out one night with a few freinds that I still have around there. It feels very strange to not have my family with me... other than Emily that is. Although it is also an opportunity to spend time with my oldest daughter, which will be nice because it was just she and I for a lot of years. We have a different kind of relationship because we were a team for the first 8 years of her life... we are very close and it is hard to spend a lot of quiet time with anyone(husband or any one child you have) when you have a family of five in a certain amount of space! : )
So I hope that you all are doing great. I have been doing well still with exercising... I have been adding jogging to my hiking/stair/speed walking park thing I try to do every day...
I have so much more to say to you... but I need a tiny bit of sleep to function with out being an awful bitch tomorrow during our 10 hour travel day!


Today I am grateful that my Mom got me a ticket to visit this summer!
I am thankful that I have a capable husband who will make it a little easier for me to leave my kids for the first time!
I am thankful that I still have old friends to see even though it has been 5 years and I am not the super best at correspondence (ahem... nothing like my blog at all... what are you talking about!) : )

My Sanctuary

My sanctuary is nature.

I have always felt very connected to the earth and its beauty. When I am stressed the best thing for me(and anyone in contact with me) is to go connect with nature. The smells, sights, sounds, textures, everything about it makes me feel an inner peace and calm that is difficult for me to explain. This time of year is my very favorite because you get to watch the word awaken and be reborn again. The garden that we have been working on is becoming a beautiful thing. The herbs are all looking plump. The tomatoes are growing, we have green cherry tomatoes already. The peppers are started to flower. The squash have gone from teeny little seedlings to big fat leaves going in every direction... and I am living in fear of the end of the season because I think we put to many to close together.... oops! : ) The bush beans have all sprouted and have a second or third set of leaves, and the soybeans have finally sprouted. This year I got a plant that I have never had before. It is a bush cucumber plant... very interesting! They are small 5-6 inchers. The sweat peas are taking a long time to get very far... but I keep encouraging them and hopefully they will take off soon.

We spend a good amount of time in our own backyard right now and I love it! The kids are filthy every night.. but I don't mind so much, besides Daddy gives them a bath! ; ) They are happy and sleepy at the end of the day because of our adventures! Sophia is picking up some color(although I am diligent about sunscreen being whiter than the average wall), so it seems like she'll have a bit more of her Dad's color than me... to which I say thank goodness! I think poor Roscoe might be out of luck... but he is a baby and I don't remember Sophia getting dark last year... so we'll have to see.

There's been a continuous stream of activity going on around here lately. Which has been an incredibly pleasurable thing for us all!

We LOVE the weather right now, and have been taking every possible opportunity to be outside in nature and PLAYING!!

The garden is starting to flourish.

The grass seeds that we replanted have finally started to come up.

I am simply bubbling over with gratitude and joy right now.

It is almost scary how completely full filled I have felt lately! It has been a lot of work but I can not tell you how pleased I am with deciding to truly live a healthier lifestyle. I still have grumpy days. Yesterday was one of them. I just woke up on the wrong side. I felt sensitive, hormonal, and grumpy. But I was aware of it and after my hubby got up told him, and that we should all go to the park. We did and I got to go exercise while he and the kids played, investigated all the beautiful flowers and then headed over to the amazing wooden playground that they adore! I went up to walk the reservoir and as I got started could honestly feel the stress and grump fall away from me. I did a fast mile and then started another, when I got to an area where there were stairs I went down and back up them four times without stopping... I wanted to do them five but my butt was on FIRE!! : ) So, I'll go for five next time!

I feel so incredibly lucky to be here where we live. I LOVE my city! As I was walking off the funk, getting really sweaty because it was humid as all get out, I looked across the water lightly rippling in the breeze, with a backdrop of beautiful trees in sweet-smelling, flowering bloom, against the baby blue sky casually strewn with white fluffy clouds... I took a deep breath and laughed at loud with pure happiness. Then I remembered where I was and looked around to see if anyone thought I was crazy! ;) I then picked my pace back up to the right level, but continued to be aware and grateful for the amazing surroundings that we have here.

I've been doing a lot of internal work lately, and I can't begin to describe how good it feels to uncover myself down there! I think that all the roles we have as mothers, wives, secretaries, accountants, cooks, cleaning woman, friend, lover... that we can lose touch with the true self, deep inside, but that is not good for anyone. To be strong and capable of full filling all the needs of the family you must take care of yourself, sometimes even first! ; ) I am finding that am becoming more capable of being completely present with the people I am with, because my core is much more at peace. The additional time for my own private thoughts has been an extra bonus that I hadn't thought about before hand!

I miss my bloggy buddies, but I just have to be out and about right now.. and by the end of the day I am WORN OUT!! I have been doing so much yard work, walking, playing badminton...man I LOVE to play badminton! I atually hurt myself, and can't play for a little while, and it's killing me!! But I play like I think I'm Venus or Serena or something! : ) I truly can't help myself... it's fun... Emily looks at me like I'm crazy (I have been playing with her) because I grunt when I serve or jump high, or lunge forward.... but I tell her to shut up because I'm old and kind of creaky right now... but at least she knows I'm really trying! :) ...but sadly all the said lunging and jumping and so forth has involved a little more extension than my belly was ready for. : ( I got really sore and kept playing, but then the cap over my hernia repair filled with fluid and I realized that I pushed a little too far. That hadn't happened for a few weeks now. So I will give it a week or so... maybe more... I'll have to see. I REALLY enjoyed playing so I am disappointed that I can't play right now... but I have to give my body a break. It's been two months, but it's only been eight weeks and they said 6 weeks to 6 MONTHS... so I have to back off a little. It will be ok, but I look forward to playing again. Emily said to me.."why don't you just not get so into it Mom" add necessary obnoxious teenage tone of voice. I just openly laughed at her and after a second she joined right in with me! Yeah right, I'll just wait a week or so! ; )

So I hope that everyone out there in blog land is enjoying the spring and looking toward the summer!

**oh and I just need to get my hubby to take a picture of my new tattoo and I will put it up. It's on my back so I can't just do it myself... : ) The only shot I have of it is from the second day...with a sunburn... yeah I know yikes! ...soon though!

Today I am grateful that I have a better outlook on life, without trying for now!

I am thankful that my husband and I have been achieving our shared goals together, that always feels good!

I am thankful for my garden and all the pleasure it gives me!

selfish blogger

So I hate to break the news to you, but I recently have had to come to accept that I am a selfish blogger. I wish that I could come and write something everyday... but often I just can't find the time in my day to sit here and write.
I wish that I could because I think of things constantly so at any given time I have 10-15 thoughts rolling around in my noggin.... and so when I am able to come and write I often find myself just needing to purge and not write a pretty and thoughtful post... and they are always way too long too.
sorry- but I guess that this is way more about me than you the reader... although I really like that people read it... I guess that's why I'm selfish -eh?
I do read all the blogs that I am subscribed to, but often don't comment on them... although it would only take a few more minutes... why do I do that?
I don't know either... but I'll work on it ok?

so here's some of the junk in my head:
Spring- I love it so much. I wish that it wasn't quite as rainy, but of course that is what makes it so darn pretty.... and from there we go to how much I love being able to take the kids to the park to play, and getting them some glorious sunshine and exercise. plus they have been playing outside in the backyard so much lately.. getting filthy and having a great time...

our garden- the front yard got a lot more of the garden budget this year than last... which is awesome. It looks very pretty...and I will post some pics here soon... I'm working on putting them on flickr too...
we are also moving the placement of the back garden, which is a LOT of work, and not being done by me yet (still healing, and although it's going well...it's not that good yet!), so my poor hubby has to do all the hard labor... but I am the one who gets to plan out the whole thing.. what we'll grow and where everything will go. We have a bunch of plants ready to go into the ground as soon as we get the actual ground ready... it's getting there and the new position will really help with the whole big ol tree covering the whole darn yard thing.. that we dealt with last year. of course that means we have to move grass(that finally was getting a good hold this year) and a lot of the actual dirt because we put a lot of good stuff into it... not to mention taking out some of the stuff that we don't want in it.. at any rate.. there's a lot of work in progress right now...

my health- I have been doing a great job with adding more movement and exercise into my daily activities... and also tracking my food... I am losing weight already (mostly water for now.. but encouraging nonetheless) and hope very much to keep going in this positive direction.

my tattoo- I am really ready to get the darn thing... but had to go into my savings for it... so will have to save a little longer... I don't think that I could actually sit for hours just yet either... so it's ok... but man do I have the itch... it's killing me over here! : )
there's other stuff but that was what flew out for now... so I guess that' it.
Oh yeah!!
I also received two blog awards in the last few days too... but I feel like they should get a post of their own. Thank you ladies for the honors... and I will write that post soon... hopefully tomorrow... but for now I have a terrible headache so I think I need to get some sleep!

Today I am grateful that it is Spring, and all I have to do is look out the window to feel inspired and optimistic.

I am thankful that my hubby has tomorrow off so we can work on the garden... I can't wait to get dirty and get to watch life bursting up from the ground! good stuff!

2 weeks ago

2 weeks ago I went in for surgery.

I haven't been on since then, and I find myself overwhelmed with where to start.
This thing has rocked my world and sent it spinning and I don't like where it's ended up so far. I think that my head has far too many thoughts to write a cognizant post. I guess that it will have to be a bit of a random vomit session.

You have been warned.
***EDITED - ok after reading this wow... truly prepare yourself emotionally for a long winded post! I shouldn't have been gone so long!!***

This entire process has taken me into a whole new place, and quite frankly I have been really struggling with the repercussions.
It has put me in my head(with days and days of medicated fog), it has racked me with the most intense pain I have ever known(and I had my last two babies completely naturally). I like to think of myself as someone who can handle physical discomfort in general. I know lots of people say this and are wrong, but I think that I have a pretty high pain thresh hold. I have had an abdominal surgery before... and although it was 10 years ago, I was back to work in a week.
I'm still in pain... I was reminded today that it has only been two weeks.... take it easy.

well, it turns out that I don't take it easy well... I am a BAD patient. I don't like not being able to do things for myself. This is not the first time that I have had to sit back and watch my family struggle to keep things going (pregnancy issues)... we are a pretty well oiled machine as far as the daily chore type things... we all have our roles, and jobs that help to keep the family running smoothly.... small kids, means schedules make our lives functional.... well I do my share of things around here as does everyone else. Our lives are full... so me being out of the picture puts a little more onto everyone else in the house. That is hard for me to watch.
I have control issues, I guess. My house is my realm... I know where everything is... I am for sure the organizer of the house... so you can imagine how fun I was for the other folks in my house. I was so happy today when I could fix the pantry because people had stuff all over the place... clutter like that kills me... you couldn't tell by the rest of my house, but I am totally "sleeping with the enemy" about my cupboards(did I just date myself there?)
I tried to be nice to people but I'm sure I was a stinky wench on at least a few occasions. I took crazy amounts of pain killers for FIVE days.. I had thought it would be 3... I slowed down considerably but had to take a few for the next couple of days. I am still nursing my son... so I had to have a complicated medicine"plan" and skip a few at night so he could nurse... and the first few days by the time he was done nursing in the morning, I would be shivering from the pain ... truth be told I was hoping he might not be that interested in still nursing.. but he has come back with a furry. It's ok... just another layer onto my crazy sandwich right now. Hormones can suck. The up and downs of weaning are fun, fun stuff!

The first time I stood up in the hospital to try and pee... I fell to the ground. It felt like my whole front side was going to fall off. I have 11 entry spots... like a clock around my belly button.
my personal self satisfaction with the way that I look couldn't be more difficult right now.
I can't look in the mirror.
I have never felt this way about my body, and it is awful. I guess the truth is that I have been struggling for awhile, but this threw me way out of whack. I have been steadily trying to eat healthy...and have lost about 20 pounds(pre-pregnancy) since my son was born, but my hernia made things really hard... I am trying to use this time to really get my abs back under control... I am way out of shape..and I hate it. I just today did some very mellow stetches.. it felt really good. I am so focused on my abdominals right now (whether I want to be or not) that I figure I can just do isometric exercises all the time. while I lay and read I try and hold in from deep inside... it's something I coouldn't do for the last year and 4 months... any kind of stretching or exercising made my darn hernia pop..so my muscles are SOO weak! baby steps, right?

who knew that laying on my side was so important to me... your core is so instrumental in everything that you do.

I have only been able to stand/walk or lay down flat on my back because sitting is (still) fairly uncomfortable. I do have a yoga ball and that is what I sit at my desk with anyway...so that helps..it is much more gentle than chair.

My husband has been amazing throughout this time. He had one major meltdown... and it had been a week... and I'm sure I would have melted down at some point too. He works hard and then he had to take on my share...which is not so teensy... it's a lot all along with doing ALL the childcare(not used to it) and being "stuck" in the house all day(not very agreeable with that either), plus taking care of me(he tried but it takes a lot to take care of the kids..and they missed their Mama!). His meltdown came from me saying that instead of complaining about how much he was doing, he could say, wow, honey you do a lot around here for us when you're not broken, thank you... but I was a little self absorbed at the time... and truth betold it did sound a little ungrateful, but I still think it could've been nicer said in my way...

My doctor made a fat joke about me the day he came in to let me go home from the hospital.
me: I had just taken my first shower without my binding on..and it hurt and scared me for going home and not having rails to help me, or as much pain relief, and stuff like that.... well you know how in the hospital people knock, but then they just come in... well my surgeon did that ....when my nurse had just helped me put my binding back on and I was using the bed handles to pull myself up to a sitting position...
DR: hyuck hyuck hyuck, how ya doing there, as you pull that big thing up there... hyuck hyuck hyuck
ME: stony silence, thinking, really? did you just say that to me? ...as tears of anger, frustration, and humiliation start to run down my cheeks... I am an incredibly sensitive and emotional person... when I am in control of my stuff..... most people don't see it as much... but when in physical pain, and a drugged, foggy brain (have I ranted on how much I dislike those darn things? but wow, they do work and thank god for them...seriously), well the floodgates opened. albeit silent and bitter..tears nontheless... bastard
DR: so it was harder then you thought it would be huh?
ME: well yeah, I thought I'd be able to go home... and I didn't realize I would have so many holes in me
DR: hyuck hyuck hyuck ....patting my hand condescendingly... everyone says that. ok so I'm writing you a prescription for Vicoden, I'll see you on the 13th.
he walks out the door.
ME: flabbergasted... angry... hurting... scared...

I called my doctor's office on friday morning as soon as they opened ( I had fretted all day thursday about whether or not to call) because I had a few questions about my hernia and a few of my incisions. I get a return call from the receptionist 5 minutes before closing... oh the doctor's on vacation today(oh did you forget that when I talked to you this morning?) and the nurse is off today too(oh you neglected to mention that as well >:/). You DO realize you have an appointment on Tuesday(are you serious...I have to wait for 5 days for someone to answer a question that I feel is really important?)
yes, I know I have an appointment TUESDAY, you know what, never mind. thanks. bye. (this is where I screwed up. I should have been a bitch and said I needed to talk to someone right then.. then I wouldn't have worried for FIVE days. I didn't want to call the doctor on call at my doctor's office, because it was Good Friday, and it took me awhile to stop being really angry and able to think of solutions, Al was working his first long day and I was trying, but having a hard time keeping up with what I needed to be doing. If the stinking receptionist had told me in the morning that the doctor was out(and I had known this too, but forgot...I was doped up for days, I tell you...confused...sleepy) I would have been able to problem solve and call my doctor... I get weird about calling, because my sister is a doctor and I know it is hard on them... and I don't have insurance so I feel worse then if an insurance company paid them..anyway....
I wait til Tuesday and the doctor's appointment is cancelled because of an emergency surgery... which I get, but I already waited 5 days. Why couldn't a nurse called me Monday... why was that too much to ask?
So I ended up seeing a very nice doctor today, I have a rubber bouncy ball sized bump below where my hernia was repaired... it felt to me like a piece that I used to put back in before... I had been so swollen and dopey that I didn't notice it until last Thursday...and it felt like it was getting bigger(or maybe my swelling was gong down?) the thought that he had missed something or messed something up, threw me into a panic. the thought of going back under right now makes me want to cry.... and for 5 days I thought that because my doctor and his whole staff, was too busy to call me back. butt heads.
It turns out it is probably just a hematoma(?)(a bubble of blood/fluid) from the suture site which will most likely get re-absorbed into my body(Mmm). I'll find out when I go back in next Tuesday, if he doesn't get called into surgery, that is.
The thought of literally sticking needles into my eyes, sounds more appealing to me than going to see my doctor. rock on.

I am an ungrateful wench.... my uncle went into surgery a few days after me... he was not as lucky as I and went back again today... we are praying he will pull through.. its up and down for him.
I am fine. and ungrateful. rock on.

I really am feeling much, much better after talking with my doctor today. I am writing a letter to the hospital. It will be very polite but realistic about my frustrations with my doctor. They are real and valid.
I am so very thankful that soon, I will be feeling much better...everyday since Saturday has been a little bit more like me again...
oh and did I mention that I freaked out and cut off all of my hair? 5 days ago? and have cut it everyday since?
oh yeah... CARAZY!!
that's me.. my daughter threatened to take the scissors.. I told her don't bother there is nothing left! : ) it's just hair.. but I am still sad. I just wanted to trim it, but it just didn't look good any of the ways I cut it... it is literally a few inches all over now...I probably cut 8 inches in the back ... CARAZY!!
I think I was hormonal... and also my lovely eldest told me my hair made me look like a senior citizen before I cut it...
was that a compliment? really?
thanks kid...I'm in my frickin thirties for the love of Pete! thanks kid. way to boost my moral! <:/
anyway my belly is killing me at this point and I am drained. so sorry to have this be so convoluted... I have had a lot on my mind. oh and we dyed eggs and had a lovely day on Easter. mellow but lovely. I've missed being here. I promise the next post will make more sense! : ) good night!

Today I am thankful that the worst is over and only better time are coming!
Today I am thankful for the amazing, kind,and gentle nurses that I came in contact with during my stay in the hospital.
{by the way, I've been thinking of making cookies for the nurses station where I stayed... weird or nice? what do you think? and how many would I need..it seems like a lot! any ideas?)
I am grateful for my family for putting up with my cranky medicated BIG BUTT!!

My Sanctuary

For some reason, I have been a grumpy grump for the last few days... or as my husband told me tonight...FOREVER!!!

hmmm... well, I'll give him a couple of days... maybe...

So I decided it was time to think about what makes me happy... and do it...

My very favorite thing to do when I need to de-stress or get a fresh perspective on anything that might be bothering me, is to take a BATH.

it's not just a bath... not just a shower.

it's a whole ritual that takes at least 30 minutes but preferably an hour or so. this is not something that even happens once a week, although that is my goal...(and yes I shower in between, but it's not the same thing)

We are a family of five... that means we have a lot of laundry and it doesn't always get done in a timely manner. Things can get pretty Lord of the Flies around here when it comes to having a fresh towel. But for some reason, my towel is sacred. Maybe it's because everyone knows that it is so important to me. Maybe it's because they all live in fear of my bath/shower NOT going as planned... if that is the case, my family is pretty smart! : )

There are several products involved in this ritual for me.. but I can guarantee a happier Mama on the other side of it.. it has NEVER failed me.. not once... now I'm not promising that little birds will come land on my finger as I sing merrily... but it will always de-grump me...
I just got out of the bath...and YES...I do feel better!

I promise that I am not working for any of the companies that supply me with these mood altering products... but I have to let you all know that I LOVE. EACH. AND. EVERY. ONE!!!
for me aromatherapy isn't just some hokey word, but a real way to elevate my mood and consciousness... and it helps that all of these products are natural and good to my skin, animals, and the earth all at the same time... how cool is that?
anyway, I whole-heartedly recommend all of these products... if they seem like something you would dig... go for it... because they rock!

so here they are:

It starts off with some salts. They are a little pricey, so they only get used when I know I can spend some time in the bath with them. They make a world of difference to my over-taxed ( &under-toned) muscles... because as most of you know this whole Mama business is hard work! : )

This part lasts as long as I can let it.. depending on how long I think I have before the world downstairs starts to unravel... which does happen at times without me! ( I know I sound immodest, but what can I say, my kids love me!)


The next step is full body cleaning with a poofy thing...whatever they are called in the real world. This soap smells so good and doesn't dry out my super sensitive skin...pluses on both counts! It also gets nice and foamy, which I admit makes me happy, deep down I still like bubbles!

Then there is some foot scrubbing and so forth which is neither sexy nor interesting... so let's move on shall we? : )


The next step is a clean head.
I am a stinky hippie.
I think I have eluded to this fact before, but it is totally true. I only wash my hair about once a week (preferably this way). It is mostly because I have sensitive skin (including my scalp) and washing it too much dries out not only my hair but my scalp and causes itchiness and flaking (although this shampoo stops the flaking part...) But it is also because I like my hair way better on about day three. I hate my clean hair because it is unruly and crazy sticky outy... it behaves much better when it gets a little dirty. Sorry for all of you who wash yours everyday... I know you don't get it... it's ok... we'll probably never meet in real life! ; ) We can still be friends!

Now washing my hair in the bath ends the bath... because I don't like sitting in my dirty hair water... so it's on to the shower part...

Time to rinse off any residues.. wash my face with an amazing smelling (and working) facial cleanser (with some alpha-hydroxy because let's admit it... I'm getting older now). I wash my face while my conditioner is hanging out on my head smelling good and doing it's job...
then it's time to get out.

But never you fear, it's not over yet...
there are more luscious, relaxing smells to lift my spirit.

I use a toner and also a facial moisturizer from BWC as well (BWC, btw stands for Beauty Without Cruelty- they are an old company that does good, check them out!)

Now the moisturizer makes my face really red... but it the price I pay for smooth happy skin... I think that my skin reacts to something in it.. but it feels so good afterward that I decided I just won't use it right before going out into the world... so far that works for me.

Then comes the whole body moisturizing, with you guessed it...my patchouli stank, already in it... score for me! I rarely use the oil I have because this lotion gives me enough of the smell to feel like myself!

So there you go.
That is a peek into the little ritual that has probably saved my marriage and possibly the lives of one or more of my children on a bad day!! : )
And I'm hoping that when I wake up in the morning..smelling perdy and feeling refreshed that my recent funk will have lifted and I can move with a happier face!

Tonight I am thankful for the time to relax and enjoy one of my favorite "me time" rituals.