and then there were FIVE!!!

In five days I will start the process of tyring to start labor to have this baby. Although the baby might not make an entrance that day, it has felt like some kind of deadline to me. A more definite "date" than I usually have set in my head.
I am about to have another baby. my fourth baby. and I have never felt so alone. I feel alone in a constant sea of people. I spend my time taking care of everyone else and look around for someone to take care of me... and there is no one there.
Things between my husband and I are the hardest they have ever been. We can not seem to get on the same page. My patience is nonexistent for him to catch up to where I am.
I am worried about the labor. Doing this thing without interventions is totally possible... in a loving supportive environment.
I don't feel like I have that right now.
I simply can not understand the grand plan that needed me to have this baby RIGHT NOW... when everything is so screwed up. I have working so hard this entire pregnancy towards things getting better for us.... and it feels like I have been wasting my time. things are not better.
I am hurting so badly.
I feel like I could disappear in the despair and never come back out of it.
How am I going to give all of myself and more to a newborn precious child when I feel like I have nothing to give?
How are Al and I going to make it through all the sleepless nights when we can't make it one entire day without an argument over something insignificant right now.
If I really will only be given what I can handle why do I feel like I'm drowning?
I realize that I am in the middle of ridiculous amounts of hormonal fluctuations but that doesn't mean that the issues that I am worried about aren't real.
That also doesn't mean that I'm not prone to being a little melodramatic right now. I'm struggling to express myself right now so I thought that I would just write.
This all might be too raw to publish, but my heart needs to release some of the sadness, fear, and anxiety from with in.

*****************************************************

the darkness consumes me.
from the depths of despair I hear nothing but the breaking of my heart.
I'm surrounded by people but could not feel more alone.
all of their movement and noise is like the buzzing of flies around my head.
I want to listen to what they are trying to tell me, but it is all I can do to try and smile and send them on their way.
I long for sleep but when I finally lay down my head I can not close my eyes.
the images inside are ugly.
I stare into the darkness of my room while tears silently soak my pillow.
my tears are a river of my fears and worries and loneliness.
the incessant snores are a constant reminder that this is my burden to bear alone.
the movement in my womb gives me comfort.
we are in this together.
but this new partnership is the cause of so many of my fears.
how can I possibly be enough for this new little life?
how will I be able to do this alone?

******************************************************

I walked away after writing that poem and think that it actually made me feel a little better. I am still undecided if this will ever see the light of my actual blog.
It is so raw. My heart on the screen.
I cry when I read it, but somehow releasing it out into the world usually makes me feel better. I might sit with this for a little while before I make that decision.

********
Ok here we go. I am going to throw this out there today, but I have to add on that since I wrote this out this morning, I have talked with my hubby and we have a date tonight to try (again!) to get on the same page with each other and reconnect so that we can try and be there for each other during the this frenetic and somewhat overwhelming time. We both truly are excited about the birth of this baby. I am ready to get to those sleepless nights with a baby in my arms and although I know it will take some time to adjust to the newness for everyone involved... I for one am ready to get started on this new adventure!!
I also wanted to add in that I feel amazingly well physically still. I know what a blessing it is to not have all the discomforts of past pregnancies and if I wasn't such an emotional mess I think that I could go on being pregnant for another few weeks pretty easily.(that is of course a possibility so I should be careful saying so!!)
I have re-read everything over once again and it still makes me cry, but I have to say it is an amazing thing to purge some of your fears and worries out of your heart. I feel much better just giving those hard feelings some air. Thank you for indulging my need to release and thank you for bearing with me as I go through all the ups and downs of this crazy transitional period!

Today I am thankful that I have this outlet for some of my crazy. It helps give me perspective and see what I need to do to help myself get back on track.
(in this case seeing that I need to reach out to the one person who can truly help me through this.... I hope it works!)

I am grateful that the waiting will end soon one way or another and I will have my darling new little person in my arms!! I'm ready!

Surprise!!

I have been absent again.

I know, you are probably used to it at this point.

There is a different reason that I have been away this time though. I am on the verge of another big life change... again. And it has so taken over my thoughts and processing that I haven't been able to focus on anything else for long enough to write a cohesive post. I've tried several times... my drafts are starting to outnumber my actual posts at this point! : )

Well, what could be so life altering that I couldn't focus on anything else?

That's right... surprise!

We are having another baby!
What!?!

This was not part of my plan on what I would be doing for the next 2 years (because you know the pregnancy really takes 10 months and we all know there is nothing outside as important as whatever is going on with a newborn baby for the first year or so).

I had a few suspicions, because when I was going on my walks I got really light headed a few times. So one afternoon when I got back from a walk (the kiddos were still napping) I found an old test and went into the bathroom to take it. I really thought that it would be negative, and was taking it just to ease my mind (if I thought I actually WAS pregnant I would have waited until the next morning). My hubby happened to be home that day and was taking a bath... when I told him what I was doing, he just rolled his eyes at me, I guess he didn't think I would be either...

I am excited and happy, now. But I must admit that when I first found out, I had an adjustment period to deal with. I have known for over a month already, and honestly I am still in a little bit of shock. I am really good at knowing my own body and what is going on as far as the womanly works go... but as my midwife so lovingly reminded me, I am getting older... and things can get a little wonky around my age. Here's hoping that after my next appointment my uterus growth is on target because twins would throw me for another loop... not to mention I couldn't continue care with my beloved midwife practice because of becoming a complicated pregnancy... but that is jumping ahead to unlikely circumstances... but then again this was surprise, so...

Anyway, my initial shock gave way to a fair number of worries and a lot of tears at first. I had an explosion of different thoughts, worries, and anxiety.

Here's a few of the things that I was worried about.

Truthfully and selfishly, I was excited to be getting to focus on myself for the first time in a long time. I was doing really well with my desire to get healthier and more fit. I had reached 3/4 of the way to my first weight loss goal and had a secondary one already in mind for when I had reached my first big 100 pound milestone. I was excited to be occasionally putting my needs before the needs of others, every single second of the day. It's felt good. I wasn't all stoked on giving that up right away.

For the first time in my life (even when I found out about Emily) I wasn't immediately thrilled. I had never felt that way before and it made me feel terrible. I cried and cried. I wasn't crying about having another baby, but about not feeling super excited from the second I found out. My poor husband was amazing. He was so supportive and listened to me rattle off all the reasons that this just wasn't the right time (there are some more complicated explanations forthcoming) and he just smiled and hugged me and looked me in my eyes and told me how happy he was and how much he loved me. He told me that I was the best Mama he has ever known and that this baby was going to be lucky to have me. And he gently reminded me that contrary to my assertion on certain days... I'm not actually controlling the universe. Oh yeah. I forgot that for a moment. I don't know what I would have done if he had reacted any other way. Reason # 239 to keep him around a little longer! ; )

I called our family therapist the next day and made an appointment with her that week. I talked with her about all of the things that were bothering me. I talked about my selfish thoughts(reasonably selfish, but selfish nonetheless). I talked about how I was worried that this wouldn't be good for me and Al's relationship. And the hardest thing of all, my GUILT. My sister's daughter just turned four and they have been trying to get pregnant since she turned one. I also have had several friends miscarry in the last 6 months. And one of them very recently, and she's not doing well. I just feel bad about how easy it is for me and Al to conceive together. My sister is going to have a really hard time with this news. I still haven't told her. I have tried to call her, but she has been busy and hasn't been returning my calls. I can't email her something like this. When our mutual friend got pregnant the first month they tried, my sister was so upset. She confided in me how unfair it was and how angry she was... and then our friend lost the baby, and of course my sister feels terribly guilty about her feelings... it just is a bit of a mess. I honestly would have talked with her before we started trying, if this had been a planned thing, and she knows that. It somehow feels a little more cruel that she will know that not only did it happen again for us, but that we weren't even trying.

meh- it kind of stinks.

The truth is that I am afraid of losing my sister for the next year or so because of this, and it makes me sad. And just for a little background, when she got pregnant with her daughter, we also got pregnant about 3 months later. My sister hardly talked to me for my entire pregnancy. I guess she thought we were trying to steal her thunder or something? I don't know, we never talked about it because I was just so happy to be on speaking terms with her again, but it did hurt me a lot, because of course that wasn't the point. We were just ready to start growing our family too. We actually had been casually trying for a few months when she got pregnant.

sigh... I wish that it didn't have to be so complicated. I wish that I knew that she would be happy for us, but the truth is, I don't think that she will be, and that does make me sad. What it boils down to though, which my therapist did her best to help me understand(I'm almost there... I am sure that once I actually am able to tell her my anxiety over the situation will lesson tremendously) is that whatever issues my sister might have to deal with really has nothing to do with me. She has her own issues and they are hers to deal with. I can't make her pregnant and I can't make her accept that she might not have another baby. I have absolutely no control over her situation. It is not mine to fix or solve. I have to let her deal with this news however she is going to deal with it. I can hope for the best, as I always do, and that is about the extent of what I can do. The same goes for my grieving friends. They will all have their own reactions, and hopefully when they have dealt with them, they will come to be happy for us and our new blessing. After all 9 months is a long time to come to acceptance!

On a much more positive note, I told my mother the other night and she was actually really happy for us! For most of you that might be a given, but she has never really been too happy before, so I was convinced she would be negative about it... but she wasn't! Yay! So there is always hope!

My oldest daughter cried, but now is doing pretty well with the information. I'm sure that with her starting high school and being a teenager the last thing she wants is more competition for time and attention, but she is great with her other siblings and I'm sure she will do well with it, after a little acceptance period of her own. It is still so early that we haven't done any explaining to the little ones yet. I have hardly told anyone yet actually, for fear of someone saying something and my sister hearing it from somewhere other than me. Also, of course, you are supposed to wait until after 12 weeks, but I feel like I might explode if I try and keep this in another month longer! Now that I am excited about it, I find myself saying things to random strangers I am talking with at the store or at the dentist's office. It is exciting news for most people and it has felt good to get to share without worrying about it somehow being hurtful! My MIL (for all of her faults, thinks I'm a good mom and adores our kids) was so excited she almost caused an accident while Al was driving, which was also a nice reaction... sort of! : )

My family doesn't read this, but now I am worried about posting it. Maybe I should make sure that she knows from my lips first just in case... well it felt good to purge it, but I really did want to share my exciting news with everyone here.

Well, if this has an addendum you will understand why now.
And for now, I wish you all happiness and peace. Good night!

***Addendum***
Ok, so I actually wrote this about a week ago now, and have tried calling my sister SO MANY TIMES!!!! I am getting frustrated with it because I want it off my chest, already!! She has not called me back, but left me notes on facebook saying she'll call soon... grrr. Anyway, I know she really has been super busy, her in laws have been here for the last month and they stay with her, much to her dismay, they make her crazy! They just left Friday, so now that they are gone, I'm sure I will be able to reach her soon! I have, in the last week, really decided that no matter what her reaction might be, it will be ok. I am doing my best to not worry quite so much about how other people might react to my news and just stopped and connected with myself and my new little person. It amazes me every time how much love you can feel for such a small thing that you have never met. But I already feel so much and know that regardless of what my own plans had been. This is what I am supposed to be doing right now. I do hope that I get ahold of my sister soon, and that she will be happy for us, but either way I am so excited about heading down this familiar path once again! : )

Today I am thankful that I have been blessed with the gift of being a vessel for another beautiful soul. I can't wait to meet you. I love you so much already!
I am thankful that I have such an amazing husband, and that he is such a great dad!
I am thankful that I am the healthiest I have been in the beginning of a pregnancy and hope that it helps me to have a healthy pregnancy!

VACATION!!

Wooo Hoo!
I am headed to AZ to see my grandparents, Mom, Step Dad and some old friends.... tomorrow!
My dear friends I have been doing so many exciting things.... just to name a few
Making Kim Chi
canning my first soup, a Turkey Vegetable Soup in my steam canner
discovering (and falling in love with) a brand new vegetable from the Farmer's Market, Kohlrabi and finding fun uses for them.
I have been taking pictures of everything... and the truth is I have no time right now for leisure activities.
Sadly, I am so busy doing fun stuff I don't have as much time to tell you about it. I am hoping to adjust and come back more often..... sorry.
I know that I keep coming here and saying sorry ...whoops it's been awhile...so at this point I am going to stop apologizing and just do what I can, when I can. I hope that you all know that I still read you and think of you too!
For now I have to go finish packing because I have to leave at 5:00AM.... yikes! It is about 2:00AM and I am still packing... so short and sweet. I will take lots of pictures and do my darndest to put them up!
I have had so many crazy emotions about this trip... that I would think about sharing.. and then I would be pooped and head to bed! ; )
I am leaving my babies for the very first time... as well as my hubby. The oldest is coming too and staying for over 3 weeks! She does this every summer and gets good and spoiled... hangs out by herself... has time to create and just be... and it is great for her. I am joining her this year because I haven't seen my grandparents in 5 years... and they are getting older and I just don't want to miss the opportunity to see them in person and not just hear about them through Facebook! I wish that we lived closer.. they mean so very much to me... so I am going to get to re-connect with them. I will also go out one night with a few freinds that I still have around there. It feels very strange to not have my family with me... other than Emily that is. Although it is also an opportunity to spend time with my oldest daughter, which will be nice because it was just she and I for a lot of years. We have a different kind of relationship because we were a team for the first 8 years of her life... we are very close and it is hard to spend a lot of quiet time with anyone(husband or any one child you have) when you have a family of five in a certain amount of space! : )
So I hope that you all are doing great. I have been doing well still with exercising... I have been adding jogging to my hiking/stair/speed walking park thing I try to do every day...
I have so much more to say to you... but I need a tiny bit of sleep to function with out being an awful bitch tomorrow during our 10 hour travel day!


Today I am grateful that my Mom got me a ticket to visit this summer!
I am thankful that I have a capable husband who will make it a little easier for me to leave my kids for the first time!
I am thankful that I still have old friends to see even though it has been 5 years and I am not the super best at correspondence (ahem... nothing like my blog at all... what are you talking about!) : )

selfish blogger

So I hate to break the news to you, but I recently have had to come to accept that I am a selfish blogger. I wish that I could come and write something everyday... but often I just can't find the time in my day to sit here and write.
I wish that I could because I think of things constantly so at any given time I have 10-15 thoughts rolling around in my noggin.... and so when I am able to come and write I often find myself just needing to purge and not write a pretty and thoughtful post... and they are always way too long too.
sorry- but I guess that this is way more about me than you the reader... although I really like that people read it... I guess that's why I'm selfish -eh?
I do read all the blogs that I am subscribed to, but often don't comment on them... although it would only take a few more minutes... why do I do that?
I don't know either... but I'll work on it ok?

so here's some of the junk in my head:
Spring- I love it so much. I wish that it wasn't quite as rainy, but of course that is what makes it so darn pretty.... and from there we go to how much I love being able to take the kids to the park to play, and getting them some glorious sunshine and exercise. plus they have been playing outside in the backyard so much lately.. getting filthy and having a great time...

our garden- the front yard got a lot more of the garden budget this year than last... which is awesome. It looks very pretty...and I will post some pics here soon... I'm working on putting them on flickr too...
we are also moving the placement of the back garden, which is a LOT of work, and not being done by me yet (still healing, and although it's going well...it's not that good yet!), so my poor hubby has to do all the hard labor... but I am the one who gets to plan out the whole thing.. what we'll grow and where everything will go. We have a bunch of plants ready to go into the ground as soon as we get the actual ground ready... it's getting there and the new position will really help with the whole big ol tree covering the whole darn yard thing.. that we dealt with last year. of course that means we have to move grass(that finally was getting a good hold this year) and a lot of the actual dirt because we put a lot of good stuff into it... not to mention taking out some of the stuff that we don't want in it.. at any rate.. there's a lot of work in progress right now...

my health- I have been doing a great job with adding more movement and exercise into my daily activities... and also tracking my food... I am losing weight already (mostly water for now.. but encouraging nonetheless) and hope very much to keep going in this positive direction.

my tattoo- I am really ready to get the darn thing... but had to go into my savings for it... so will have to save a little longer... I don't think that I could actually sit for hours just yet either... so it's ok... but man do I have the itch... it's killing me over here! : )
there's other stuff but that was what flew out for now... so I guess that' it.
Oh yeah!!
I also received two blog awards in the last few days too... but I feel like they should get a post of their own. Thank you ladies for the honors... and I will write that post soon... hopefully tomorrow... but for now I have a terrible headache so I think I need to get some sleep!

Today I am grateful that it is Spring, and all I have to do is look out the window to feel inspired and optimistic.

I am thankful that my hubby has tomorrow off so we can work on the garden... I can't wait to get dirty and get to watch life bursting up from the ground! good stuff!

riding the belly roller coaster

Welcome to my crazy. I am on a roller coaster ride of ups and downs with this stinking belly of mine. Wanna ride with me for a few minutes?

the last time I came on I was feeling SOOO much better. It was a great day, and I felt like I was back...really back... I even foolishly told my husband...yes, the Mama is back!

Sadly that same night, I fell asleep after reading to Sophia on the floor next to her bed and at some point in sleep twisted my legs around in a normal for me way... but when my hubby fetched me... at 2:30 in the morning(he fell asleep putting the boy child down!)... I was hurting again. I felt better than my insides were quite yet, I guess.
So, I have been trying to take it easier again, but I am feeling pretty down on myself. I know that this whole process wouldn't have been half as bad without all this extra weight I am carrying around.

I realized last night that I have been in denial about it for the last year and now it has really hit me... like a ton of bricks. no pun intended...

The only thing that I can do is accept that this is where I am right now, and move on from here... but I am finding it hard to do so. The thing is that I eat pretty well most of the time... I just haven't gotten enough exercise... for over year! Every time that I would do anything I ended up having to put my hernia back in (seriously it was up to 20 or more times a day towards the end) and if I ignored it and overdid it, I would have trouble getting it to stay in for days. So this darn thing has put me into a lazy pattern... and I am afraid that it is going to be hard to change.

I have always had issues with my weight. The only time that I have been really happy with it, (I was still overweight according to charts, but as far as I thought I looked really good... and more importantly felt good too!) I was walking 4-5 miles every single day. I would get off the bus in a different neighborhood than I lived and walk (at a pretty good pace), with Emily, through the woods to my house, plus working as a daycare teacher during the day and a waitress at night(you know how hard you work running for people!)... plus going to school nights and days in between everything else... the point is that I have to REALLY work HARD at not being a fattie.
I am in a place right now where I am ready and inspired to get moving... but I can't even pick my kids toys up off the floor without a good amount of discomfort...

which brings up a much lighter topic of my amazing Mama TOES. I have the ability to pick up the most amazing amount of stuff with my toes... can you all do that? Does it just happen when you become a Mama? Sophia always tries to do it.. but can't yet because her feet are so tiny.. but right now the only way for me to clean up the inordinate amount of mess that my kids make is to use my super mama toes to pick stuff up... hee hee it's kind of funny to watch I think! : )

anyhow...
my goodness, the ups and downs of this thing has had way more ramifications than I ever realized it would. I just wasn't prepared for it to rock my sense of self like it has.
I had to stop doing pretty much everything again for the last few days because whatever the heck I did to my belly that night twisting my legs has really mucked things up, again.
sigh.

I also have a bit of worry about this possible hematoma(sp?) too. When I first discovered it and spoke to my doctor (not the surgeon) and then the surgeon's nurse, I had felt relieved that it was probably "normal". Since that day I have been able to investigate a little more... part of the problem with this thing is that it had been so sore that I haven't really felt around much.. it was just too painful... but as things settle into where they will stay(maybe) I have been able to touch the belly more. Well, this thing has not even come close to going down in size but is now a good 2 1/2 or 3 inches long now. It isn't a rubber bouncy ball size, but more like a long protrusion, incredibly similar to what my hernia felt like, but harder. It doesn't hurt like it did when I had to go to the ER, but it is almost as big...not quite... but a good few inches. Yet another reason to feel awesome about my weight... if I didn't have so much belly yuck, it would be a heck of a lot easier to "see" what was going on...
man, my frustration level is so high...

yesterday I went from feeling amazing { I took my first bath because from the outside things are looking pretty healed up now, and I could soak like I've been wanting to do. It was a great bath, we all know how I LOVE me some bath time! I toned, did some amazing visualization, and FINALLY got off some particularly stubborn tape yuck that was in an area that had been way too sore to scrub, but after soaking it came off...} to feeling frustrated with not really knowing what this thing in my belly is...and frustrated with my backwards movement as far as comfort and activity level goes.

I'm sick of this ride at this point. I want to get off now. My family(especially my hubby) is ready for me to be back... not only to get to work (let's just admit cleaning is no fun for anyone and he's ready to go back to his usual responsibilities as far as home care.... pretty much nothing) but also for me to be light and joyous...laughing instead of crying.... and enjoying taking care of the kids and not just biting my lip to get to bedtime.

I thrive on the joy I usually feel from taking care of others, but right now I don't care and I don't want to do anything. I know that it hasn't been that long yet... but it doesn't help that the bruises are all but gone and incisions are looking (from the outside) healed up... but the insides feel awful still. I feel like my family thinks that I am being a baby and that I am exaggerating the pain that I am feeling. It could just be paranoia, my head IS all over the place.. but it feels real to me.
I'm sick of feeling this way myself, I can't imagine it is any easier for my loved ones to deal with when they don't feel or even see what the heck I'm complaining about. I'm sick of my crappy attitude about everything... and I just can't seem to shake this funk.
I know what I need to do... I just can't seem to do it.

On a completely non-pathetic, whiny note... yesterday while I was sequestered in my room, while the kids and Dad worked in the yard, getting ready for spring planting (probably another reason I'm sour... I can't do any prep work for my garden...something that brings me unbelievable amounts of stress relief, joy, and grounding....) I wrote a fun post about getting my first tattoo. I will be posting it as soon as my eldest kid let's me borrow her flash drive(I wrote it on the laptop in bed). It is a fun story and did it's job of distracting me from myself yesterday.

So, I guess that's the end of my pity party post today.... I promise that soon I will be fun again... I am fun right? ...most of the time? I will stop being so incredibly self-absorbed, complainy(is that a real word?), and boring... soon... I promise
hopefully much sooner than later.
and no one looks forward to that more than me!
until then:


Today I am grateful that I have super Mama toes, so that I can go clean up after my slovenly children.
I am thankful, that no matter how it feels right this second... this WILL NOT last forever... say it with me... everything is temporary... everything is temporary...
I am thankful that it looks to be a beautiful day outside and all my tulips are in bloom, as of today! : )

2 weeks ago

2 weeks ago I went in for surgery.

I haven't been on since then, and I find myself overwhelmed with where to start.
This thing has rocked my world and sent it spinning and I don't like where it's ended up so far. I think that my head has far too many thoughts to write a cognizant post. I guess that it will have to be a bit of a random vomit session.

You have been warned.
***EDITED - ok after reading this wow... truly prepare yourself emotionally for a long winded post! I shouldn't have been gone so long!!***

This entire process has taken me into a whole new place, and quite frankly I have been really struggling with the repercussions.
It has put me in my head(with days and days of medicated fog), it has racked me with the most intense pain I have ever known(and I had my last two babies completely naturally). I like to think of myself as someone who can handle physical discomfort in general. I know lots of people say this and are wrong, but I think that I have a pretty high pain thresh hold. I have had an abdominal surgery before... and although it was 10 years ago, I was back to work in a week.
I'm still in pain... I was reminded today that it has only been two weeks.... take it easy.

well, it turns out that I don't take it easy well... I am a BAD patient. I don't like not being able to do things for myself. This is not the first time that I have had to sit back and watch my family struggle to keep things going (pregnancy issues)... we are a pretty well oiled machine as far as the daily chore type things... we all have our roles, and jobs that help to keep the family running smoothly.... small kids, means schedules make our lives functional.... well I do my share of things around here as does everyone else. Our lives are full... so me being out of the picture puts a little more onto everyone else in the house. That is hard for me to watch.
I have control issues, I guess. My house is my realm... I know where everything is... I am for sure the organizer of the house... so you can imagine how fun I was for the other folks in my house. I was so happy today when I could fix the pantry because people had stuff all over the place... clutter like that kills me... you couldn't tell by the rest of my house, but I am totally "sleeping with the enemy" about my cupboards(did I just date myself there?)
I tried to be nice to people but I'm sure I was a stinky wench on at least a few occasions. I took crazy amounts of pain killers for FIVE days.. I had thought it would be 3... I slowed down considerably but had to take a few for the next couple of days. I am still nursing my son... so I had to have a complicated medicine"plan" and skip a few at night so he could nurse... and the first few days by the time he was done nursing in the morning, I would be shivering from the pain ... truth be told I was hoping he might not be that interested in still nursing.. but he has come back with a furry. It's ok... just another layer onto my crazy sandwich right now. Hormones can suck. The up and downs of weaning are fun, fun stuff!

The first time I stood up in the hospital to try and pee... I fell to the ground. It felt like my whole front side was going to fall off. I have 11 entry spots... like a clock around my belly button.
my personal self satisfaction with the way that I look couldn't be more difficult right now.
I can't look in the mirror.
I have never felt this way about my body, and it is awful. I guess the truth is that I have been struggling for awhile, but this threw me way out of whack. I have been steadily trying to eat healthy...and have lost about 20 pounds(pre-pregnancy) since my son was born, but my hernia made things really hard... I am trying to use this time to really get my abs back under control... I am way out of shape..and I hate it. I just today did some very mellow stetches.. it felt really good. I am so focused on my abdominals right now (whether I want to be or not) that I figure I can just do isometric exercises all the time. while I lay and read I try and hold in from deep inside... it's something I coouldn't do for the last year and 4 months... any kind of stretching or exercising made my darn hernia pop..so my muscles are SOO weak! baby steps, right?

who knew that laying on my side was so important to me... your core is so instrumental in everything that you do.

I have only been able to stand/walk or lay down flat on my back because sitting is (still) fairly uncomfortable. I do have a yoga ball and that is what I sit at my desk with anyway...so that helps..it is much more gentle than chair.

My husband has been amazing throughout this time. He had one major meltdown... and it had been a week... and I'm sure I would have melted down at some point too. He works hard and then he had to take on my share...which is not so teensy... it's a lot all along with doing ALL the childcare(not used to it) and being "stuck" in the house all day(not very agreeable with that either), plus taking care of me(he tried but it takes a lot to take care of the kids..and they missed their Mama!). His meltdown came from me saying that instead of complaining about how much he was doing, he could say, wow, honey you do a lot around here for us when you're not broken, thank you... but I was a little self absorbed at the time... and truth betold it did sound a little ungrateful, but I still think it could've been nicer said in my way...

My doctor made a fat joke about me the day he came in to let me go home from the hospital.
me: I had just taken my first shower without my binding on..and it hurt and scared me for going home and not having rails to help me, or as much pain relief, and stuff like that.... well you know how in the hospital people knock, but then they just come in... well my surgeon did that ....when my nurse had just helped me put my binding back on and I was using the bed handles to pull myself up to a sitting position...
DR: hyuck hyuck hyuck, how ya doing there, as you pull that big thing up there... hyuck hyuck hyuck
ME: stony silence, thinking, really? did you just say that to me? ...as tears of anger, frustration, and humiliation start to run down my cheeks... I am an incredibly sensitive and emotional person... when I am in control of my stuff..... most people don't see it as much... but when in physical pain, and a drugged, foggy brain (have I ranted on how much I dislike those darn things? but wow, they do work and thank god for them...seriously), well the floodgates opened. albeit silent and bitter..tears nontheless... bastard
DR: so it was harder then you thought it would be huh?
ME: well yeah, I thought I'd be able to go home... and I didn't realize I would have so many holes in me
DR: hyuck hyuck hyuck ....patting my hand condescendingly... everyone says that. ok so I'm writing you a prescription for Vicoden, I'll see you on the 13th.
he walks out the door.
ME: flabbergasted... angry... hurting... scared...

I called my doctor's office on friday morning as soon as they opened ( I had fretted all day thursday about whether or not to call) because I had a few questions about my hernia and a few of my incisions. I get a return call from the receptionist 5 minutes before closing... oh the doctor's on vacation today(oh did you forget that when I talked to you this morning?) and the nurse is off today too(oh you neglected to mention that as well >:/). You DO realize you have an appointment on Tuesday(are you serious...I have to wait for 5 days for someone to answer a question that I feel is really important?)
yes, I know I have an appointment TUESDAY, you know what, never mind. thanks. bye. (this is where I screwed up. I should have been a bitch and said I needed to talk to someone right then.. then I wouldn't have worried for FIVE days. I didn't want to call the doctor on call at my doctor's office, because it was Good Friday, and it took me awhile to stop being really angry and able to think of solutions, Al was working his first long day and I was trying, but having a hard time keeping up with what I needed to be doing. If the stinking receptionist had told me in the morning that the doctor was out(and I had known this too, but forgot...I was doped up for days, I tell you...confused...sleepy) I would have been able to problem solve and call my doctor... I get weird about calling, because my sister is a doctor and I know it is hard on them... and I don't have insurance so I feel worse then if an insurance company paid them..anyway....
I wait til Tuesday and the doctor's appointment is cancelled because of an emergency surgery... which I get, but I already waited 5 days. Why couldn't a nurse called me Monday... why was that too much to ask?
So I ended up seeing a very nice doctor today, I have a rubber bouncy ball sized bump below where my hernia was repaired... it felt to me like a piece that I used to put back in before... I had been so swollen and dopey that I didn't notice it until last Thursday...and it felt like it was getting bigger(or maybe my swelling was gong down?) the thought that he had missed something or messed something up, threw me into a panic. the thought of going back under right now makes me want to cry.... and for 5 days I thought that because my doctor and his whole staff, was too busy to call me back. butt heads.
It turns out it is probably just a hematoma(?)(a bubble of blood/fluid) from the suture site which will most likely get re-absorbed into my body(Mmm). I'll find out when I go back in next Tuesday, if he doesn't get called into surgery, that is.
The thought of literally sticking needles into my eyes, sounds more appealing to me than going to see my doctor. rock on.

I am an ungrateful wench.... my uncle went into surgery a few days after me... he was not as lucky as I and went back again today... we are praying he will pull through.. its up and down for him.
I am fine. and ungrateful. rock on.

I really am feeling much, much better after talking with my doctor today. I am writing a letter to the hospital. It will be very polite but realistic about my frustrations with my doctor. They are real and valid.
I am so very thankful that soon, I will be feeling much better...everyday since Saturday has been a little bit more like me again...
oh and did I mention that I freaked out and cut off all of my hair? 5 days ago? and have cut it everyday since?
oh yeah... CARAZY!!
that's me.. my daughter threatened to take the scissors.. I told her don't bother there is nothing left! : ) it's just hair.. but I am still sad. I just wanted to trim it, but it just didn't look good any of the ways I cut it... it is literally a few inches all over now...I probably cut 8 inches in the back ... CARAZY!!
I think I was hormonal... and also my lovely eldest told me my hair made me look like a senior citizen before I cut it...
was that a compliment? really?
thanks kid...I'm in my frickin thirties for the love of Pete! thanks kid. way to boost my moral! <:/
anyway my belly is killing me at this point and I am drained. so sorry to have this be so convoluted... I have had a lot on my mind. oh and we dyed eggs and had a lovely day on Easter. mellow but lovely. I've missed being here. I promise the next post will make more sense! : ) good night!

Today I am thankful that the worst is over and only better time are coming!
Today I am thankful for the amazing, kind,and gentle nurses that I came in contact with during my stay in the hospital.
{by the way, I've been thinking of making cookies for the nurses station where I stayed... weird or nice? what do you think? and how many would I need..it seems like a lot! any ideas?)
I am grateful for my family for putting up with my cranky medicated BIG BUTT!!