I just sent my oldest daughter out the door to her first audition...and it's not even for a play or musical.. but a school!
I feel sick with nerves.
I don't talk much about my oldest daughter on here... for a few reasons...
1. because she doesn't really want me to...she thinks my blogging is embarassing...
2. because she isn't part of my prime daytime hours, since she is at school...
3. honestly she just doesn't want me to...
BUT today I don't care, because I need an outlet for my extreme nervousness and anxiety!
Where do I start with Emily.
She is amazing, honestly, she is probably the coolest person I have ever met. And I have three kids so I don't say that lightly. I love all of my kids, with all my heart and soul, but Emily has been special from the time of her conception. She came to me in a time in my life when I had nothing... no home, no friends(teenage drama), no family (I had freaked out and run away from my life), no peace of mind... and I was the saddest that I have ever been in my life (which is saying something)... I was completely lost.
Then I found out I was pregnant. OH NO! I made an appointment to "take care" of the situation because everyone in my life told me that was obviously what I needed to do.... I couldn't even take care of myself, how was I going to take care of a whole other human being? Well, I couldn't explain it to people, but I just knew that wasn't the right choice for me. I knew that the little life inside of me was a chance. a reason for living. In a weird and unexpected way, it was exactly what I needed to pull my head out of butt and worry about someone else for awhile. I didn't have the courage until I was waiting in the room for them to call my name, and then I knew, I just knew that I had to take control of my life. And I did.
I got up and walked out the door. I moved back home (from Seattle to Tucson). I got a job and a teeny tiny little house(rented of course!). I had nothing, but a bag of clothes and the couch that was in there when I moved in. My family wasn't very happy with me, they were there, but they didn't support my decision much. I was on my own, but for the first time in my life... I knew that everything was going to be ok.
I worked 50-60 hours a week, my whole pregnancy. I worked from 11 at night until 8 in the morning, at this little convenience store in the ghetto. I walked to and from work (one mile each way) everyday. But I was never scared because the people in the neighborhood all knew me and were looking out for me. It was perfect really because my whole existence at the time was about this little person brewing inside of me...and I just had this inner calmness, peace, and security in knowing that this was exactly where I should be and what I should be doing. I loved being pregnant. It was a beautiful experience. My life revolved around taking care of my baby and getting prepared. I bought all the stuff I "needed" for the baby(like diapers, a crib, wipes, some clothes) and saved up for when I wouldn't be able to work. My Dad took pity on me in my 7 month and bought me a bed...boy that was nice! I didn't know how nice until I got into it that first night!! : )
I can't tell you I never knew anxiety or lonliness, but by far my biggest fear was that I wasn't good enough to be a mother... and the second that she was born, that melted away. She was so beautiful, and I knew from that moment on that she was something special. She has always had this sense of calmness and knowledge beyond her years. Anyone who meets her tells me nice things about her... always, since she was a little girl... an example of this is every year since she was 8 and "allowed" to travel alone, my mom has flown her back to Tucson for a visit. Every year until last year(maybe at 12 she was too big?) the person who was sitting next to her on the plane, has sought me out once they got to get off, to tell me what a nice and well spoken young lady I have, and that I should be proud of her... and I just smile and say..yeah, she was born that way... : ) That's the kind of thing that happens around her all the time. Sometimes people will say, oh well, don't be modest, you had something to do with that...and a part of me wants to believe that is true, of course, but having had two other kids now... I really know that what I said was true... she really was just born that way! Please don't get me wrong... I adore my other kids too, and I don't know what I would do without any of them. They all have strengths and talents that I enjoy watching bloom... but it's the underlying calm, that is different about Emily. I don't know if that makes sense to anyone who hasn't met her, it's just a feeling you get when you are around her... she is amazing, and beautiful, and so smart... I am tearing up right now...it's hard to express how very proud of her that I am...
Wow, ok this was not the plan... I didn't mean to ramble on and on here... I guess I just needed an outlet and this is the form it took.
Please if you have time today, send your prayers, positive thoughts and energy, whatever you call it... her way. She is applying to go to a very competitive high school today. This school is cool, it is a public school but it is nationally competitive. It has a focus on creative arts, but also has an excellent scholastic program. I just want this for her so bad. She is talented but she isn't the only one who is, of course. The ratio for these auditions are 1 out of 3 actually get in. Those aren't such bad odds really... but of course that does mean that 2 out of 3 DON'T get in... so we all know it might not work out.
Man who ever knew I could feel this nervous over a school? : P
She is and has been in the city's magnet program since kindergarden, so if she doesn't get in she will still go to the magnet high school, but she wants this so bad... I hope that she gets it.
This is a picture of her before she headed out the door this morning... who could say no to that face, right?
Today I am thankful to have been bleesed with the opportunity to help Emily nurture and grow along her way to travel her life's path.