A better place and three days to go!

Well, the count down has made it down to three more days.
In reality there are more than likely more than that many days left to wait... but like I was saying I can't help but feel like there is a clock ticking somewhere.

We are not quite ready, but we are very, very close. We have one more load of laundry for the baby, to wash a new sheet and the new cloth diapers (for burping/spit ups and so forth... I would love to do cloth, but the reality is I don't have the patience for the laundry or mess of them.... or the money to buy the awesome covers they have now, those things are steep!!) and also to wash my wraps. Even with all the sling recalls in the news, I am still very confident in the wraps that I have. The slings that have been recalled seem to be the ones that were more about fashion and the trend of babywearing, and less about skin to skin contact. I have several wraps that I intend to use with this new little one just like the last two. I can't imagine not wearing my babies, especially in the first few weeks when they sleep so much and we are both in the adjustment period of not actually being connected to each other still. But never you fear, the baby will always be safe and in an upright position, right up next to my chin, heart to heart. I do have a sling as well(one that isn't all fluff and padding and has a lot of flexibilty for positioning), but I use that one once the baby is bigger and stronger and can sit by itself easily... or at least when it has good strong neck muscles!

Anyway, this wasn't supposed to be me getting on a soap box about babywearing! : P
I did want to come on and update everyone on my emotional and marital status. The other day when I wrote out all of my fears and anxiety onto the screen, it helped me to see how truly disconnected I had been feeling from my husband. Things between us had gotten into a negative rut, and we needed to change things up. So, I called him and reached out to him, without blame or guilt, and just told him that we needed to have some special time together. The truth is by the end of the day, with three kids and being so pregnant and his full time job... well by the end of the night we honestly don't have much left for each other. I am dead tired by the end of a day now, and with him picking up the domestic slack that I can no longer handle all of right now... he is too. So when we got everyone upstairs that night, instead of the usual collapse onto the couch with the TV turned on, we headed upstairs too. I went and took a shower while Al lit some candles in our room. We sat on our bed and rubbed oil on my belly. The baby moved around a lot and got the focus on the right thing!! We talked honestly and openly about our fears and our excitement about this impending change. We each lit a small candle and said a prayer for each other to have the strength and courage to try and live in the moment, and let go of our recent struggles to see eye to eye. It was a lovely way to reconnect and has done wonders for my state of mind and apparently his as well. We haven't fought over stupid nothings for the last two days, so something has changed for the better.
This is the hardest time of the pregnancy I think, the waiting is almost over but it isn't quite yet. All of our hopes and fears are on the forefront of our minds, all of the time. Everyone (the kids included) is ready to move on with this new chapter of our lives as a family and the waiting is becoming more and more difficult!

As for the technical aspects of having this baby things are looking pretty good. I got an internal exam last appointment(on Tuesday) and I am dilated to a super roomy one(the goal being 10 for the birth) but not effaced at all (which means my cervix is still very thick, we're going for 100% effacement). Since I that day though, I had an entire day where I felt a really strong pressure and had a hard time even walking around, the same day that I last posted actually, and I am pretty sure that I was either actively dilating or effacing that day because I was an emotional wreck as well. Now today, I feel pretty comfortable, both physically and emotionally, so I think it's pretty safe to say that there was some progress going on that day. The good news from my exam is that on Tuesday I will definitely be able to be swept (because they could have done it last Tuesday).

As I've said, I am a bundle of joy, excitement, anxiety, nervousness... everything that you can expect from someone about to have a baby in the next week or so. The one thing that I don't feel a lot of right now is fear. I am feeling really confident that no matter when I go into labor I am ready to work with my body to help this baby enter the world. I can't wait!!
I will keep you all updated as things continue to develop and change, as they are bound to do.
I hope you are all having a great weekend!

Today I am grateful that my husband and I took the time to try and reconnect.
I am grateful to have such supportive midwives (who I also talked with in my moments of darkness and fear).
I am grateful to have the beautiful family that I have, and can't wait to meet our new arrival! : )

Acceptance and Unexpected News

Acceptance is a running theme for today's post.

I have accepted that I am really a bad blogger. I read often, but comment rarely, and I am lucky to get a post a month up lately, but I'm hoping that the people who read will keep reading anyway. (oh, and I welcome any of you to use the flickr link on the right to see some pictures of the past month or so of craziness... )

I am in the process of accepting the fact that my sweet, sweet boy has just turned two and that even my little angel will succumb to fits, tantrums, and the general chaos of toddler hood.

I am in the process of accepting that my dear Sophia will probably always need just a little more from me than I always have available for her... and that she is getting the very best of me everyday, and that is the most that I can do.

I am in the process of accepting that as incredible my oldest, Emily is, she is still a teenager going through the throws of hormones and change and painful growing up. That not only can I not shelter her from it, but that I don't want to, because as painful as it it is to watch, that is my job as her Mama. My job is to watch her try and sometimes fail, but be there to support her getting back up and trying again. It is my job to watch her love and get her heart broken, but be there for a shoulder to cry on and help her to know that she will love again, probably many more times with the same outcome. It is my job to watch her struggle to understand things that are difficult, to watch her realize that life is not fair, that the world can be hard, but that she can still be open and fair and giving anyway.

I am in the process of accepting that this pregnancy is amazing and has already given me so much. The knowledge that I have the capacity to love more, give more, be more than I was before I conceived. And that no matter what the outcome I am a better person for having experienced exactly what I have up until this point, and for as long as I am blessed with this continued life within me.

As of today I am 20 weeks.

I have made it halfway through this pregnancy. This would usually bring me some kind of comfort... but sadly last week when I went to my sonogram appointment I got some unexpected news. It wasn't the good kind.

First off, because I will be turning 35 at the end of next month (and about two months before the baby is due) I had to get genetic counseling... which was fairly unpleasant. The truth is that I do know quite a bit about the things that can go wrong, but personally, I don't do much testing because no matter what we would find out I wouldn't do anything differently. I already eat as well as I can, exercise, and follow the guidelines for pregnancy. I would never terminate a pregnancy because there was something wrong... even something really wrong, because at this point I am halfway through and it just doesn't fit into my personal belief system... that being said the DH and I had to sit through about 30 minutes of a geneticist telling us all the terrible things that could be going wrong and pressuring us to get an amnio, even though there are no big markers or any family history... but just because "well you know you are getting older now..." yes, thank you young chippy... I realize I am the ripe old age of 34 right now... please get me my walker... good lord... I'm 34!!!. Anyway, by the time we got to get the sonogram I was already full of a lot of information (mostly negative) and I was ready for the pleasure of seeing my healthy beautiful baby!

We did and the baby looks great! Healthy, right on target size-wise, a real mover and shaker just like all her siblings (oh, I am calling her a her but we don't actually know what sex the baby is... we like to wait for the surprise at the end of the journey!!). She actually gave the tech a pretty hard time, not wanting to show her face to check for a cleft lip... but eventually all the necessary shots were taken and all the organs look as though they are functioning well. There are 10 fingers and toes, a beautiful brain... just about perfect.

The baby is looking very good, but my placenta is not. I have been diagnosed with a circumvallante placenta, which basically means that the placenta is starting to pull away from my uterus in a circular manner. Instead of being 100% attached it is at about 80% right now. Because the placenta is a smart organ (like a liver) it is compensating for this by being thicker than a "normal" placenta. Both the detachment and the thicker placenta are strong indicators for low birth weight babies. Also because of this separation, I have a good size blood clot resting on top of my cervix right now. All of these things separately are strong indicators for pre-term labor. All of them together make the possibility much, much more likely.

Wow... it was nothing I was thinking I would hear. I usually run late with my babies, my big chubby babies. With the first I was induced 7 days post dates (7lbs 12 oz), the second was 15 days late(8lbs 10 1/2 oz), the third was 9 days late(9lbs 12 1/2 oz).... the thought of having a preemie or God forbid a baby too little to even survive never even crossed my mind... not even once... not until Monday that is.

The doctor said that everything has the possibility of being just fine, and in the same breath he told me that if anything happens in the next 6 weeks there is nothing to be done. I now have 5 weeks to what they call the cut off for viability... and my waiting has begun.

I have talked with a lot of people about this and they all had their own perspectives about the possibilities. The biggest thing that I have been struggling with is how to NOT think about the negative things that COULD happen and trying to put all my energy into the positive things that also COULD happen. I can't help but think about how hard it would be to lose this baby. The thought brings me to instant tears, it has already been such a crazy journey for us this time around, I already feel so much love.

I have been feeling better today about things because I spoke with one of my midwives(who just started at the birth center as a midwife, BUT was the nurse at my prior two births there) and she had a similar, but much more dire prognosis during her last pregnancy. Things did not turn out perfectly but the end result is a beautiful almost 5 year old daughter who came early, but now is just like the rest of her peers. It felt good to hear a real life situation, that although didn't have a perfect situation, turned out well in the end. AND, she gave me some perspective about where my stats are in the levels of badness... they are low level right now. Things might change, but for right now I have reason to hope, which is nice to know. She also told me how during the summer she had to catch 40 babies for her schooling, and that out of those she had several that were full term, average weight babies whose mothers also had circumvallante placentas, one of them, who never had a sonogram, went through the whole pregnancy none the wiser.... so really, truly things could turn out just fine. It is just a waiting game at this point.

I am not bleeding and haven't had bleeding since 11 weeks. If I do start to bleed, it will not be a good sign at all... but there's no reason to think that will definitely happen. It is possible for the blood clot to be reabsorbed, which would be amazing and take away one risk for pre-term labor. The baby's growth starts to become more of an issue much later on, around 28 weeks. By that time the placenta will have either healed itself or become much thicker which means it can impede the baby's growth. The possibility that the placenta could continue to detach is also very real. There is a wide spectrum of possibilities at this point, from going full term with a big healthy baby to having spontaneous placental abruption (complete detachment) at any given time, and everywhere in between those two extremes.

So, like I said the waiting has begun. I am praying and sending all my positive thoughts into myself for that precious little one to hear. I am eating as well as I can.... exercising daily (the doctor said it was good to keep as active as I feel comfortable with) ...trying to rest... although that has been kind of hard, I have been having a great deal of difficulty sleeping since Monday. But I am doing everything that I can everyday, and that is all that I can do.

The most difficult lesson for me to learn from any pregnancy, but it seems especially in this one, is that I am not the one in control. I have to let go and let what will happen, happen. Surrender is a difficult thing for me, but it is the only thing for me to do right now... so that is my ongoing goal.

Acceptance, surrender, and LOVE. I don't know what else to do.

Today I am thankful to have a healthy 20 week fetus moving and grooving inside of me as we speak (or type!).

I am grateful to have a supportive group of women around me to listen, teach, talk with, and support me through this trying emotional time.

I am grateful for every week, every day, every minute that I have with my baby and hope that there will be many more to come.

I am grateful for any thoughts, prayers, and positive energy that any of you have available to send my way! Thank you! : )

October used to be my favorite month...

Fall.
I LOVE Fall!
I love the cooler weather, the harvesting of all the work we've done over the summer in our garden, the fall treats... like everything pumpkin(pie, muffins, breads, butter, the list goes on and on...) and warm comforting drinks...
I can not tell you how much I enjoy watching the leaves change. It is, to me, the world reminding us that everything continually changes, and although we might have been enjoying the the phase we were in, we shouldn't mourn it's passing too much, because the next one has endless possibilities full of wonder, beauty, and joy as well!

When my husband and I got engaged, I knew right away that the wedding should be in October. October 16th was the date to be exact, the perfect time for a beautiful Fall wedding. The leaves are usually in their peak of brightness and variety of colors. The weather is cool, but often nice enough to have an outdoor ceremony. We booked a location within a local park with lots of trees, a good open area for the ceremony, and a farmhouse with a kitchen in the basement and a huge dance floor on the main floor. We never made it to our wedding, although we(my daughter, Al, and I) did go there that day and have our own little party to celebrate, because we eloped instead. We ran off to Las Vegas and got married on Leap Day 2004. I will never regret that decision for many reasons, but mostly because I am married to the love of my life and we have proven to ourselves that our life will be full of passion and sometimes somewhat rash but usually good decisions... but I do think about it still around this time of year. I will also never regret that we didn't get married in October because now it is the BUSIEST month in our whole year!
When we were pregnant with our first child her due date was actually October 14th the next year. She is a stubborn little thing (since birth) and waited until the 29th to join our family, just three days shy of her father's birthday on the first of November. Yes, she was actually 15 days late! She arrived on the very last day she could without having to be born in a hospital (you usually can't deliver at the birth center after 14 days postdates, but they gave me over the weekend because they knew how badly I didn't want to be in the hospital... and she came late that Saturday night). Our second child together had a due date of October 2nd or 3rd(how terrible that I don't actually remember!). He is much easier going by nature (since birth as well) and only decided to make us wait until the 12th. Apparently, January is a good(or bad depending on your perspective) month for fertility! I say this not only because we have two children in October, but because we also have my Aunt's birthday on the 8th, my grandmother on the 17th, my sister on the 22nd, a good friend on the 25th, and my husband on the first of November... ok not technically October by REALLY close... close enough to make this the absolute busiest birthday month of the year!!
So, when I stop and think about it, I realize that it is true that everything happens for a reason although you might not understand it at the time... if we had our anniversary in October it would get completely lost in the holiday madness that is my October now (because let's not forget Halloween right in between Sophia and Al, which requires ridiculous amounts of work and planning, if I am ever going to manage costume making into this incredibly hectic month!)!!

So, I still enjoy October, Fall, and all the things that are brought to mind during this time of year.. but now I enjoy them a little more in November... after Al's birthday and before Thanksgiving, when I have a little more time to actually relax and ponder them!

And on a personal note, I am doing much better than the last time that I posted. I am feeling much less morning sickness, thank goodness! I am also feeling as though I can enjoy my pregnancy a bit more and not feel quite as much worry, now that I am solidly into my second trimester. I still have days when I think about what may have been, but truthfully, I am so busy that I don't have much time to dwell right now. I am feeling pretty much at peace with what has happened and just feel grateful to be where I am now.

Today was my son's second birthday. It was hectic and crazy, but in a good way. We had a great day and he felt like a king for the day. Everywhere we went, he told everyone he could, that it was his birthday and being the handsome and fairly charming little man that he is, people were pretty kind and gracious with him and his somewhat overly enthusiastic announcements that "IT'S MY BIRTHDAY.... I TWO.... I TWO ON MY BIRTHDAY!!"
We all went to see the Toy Story double feature in 3D... fun, but a SERIOUS commitment to watching movies! I don't feel the need to be in a theater for a long time at this point! He slept on me for the last 45 minutes or so of the second film (which I loved because he is still my baby!)
He got the dinner of his choice: Hamburgers, Tater tots, and Homemade Mac and Cheese, with Pumpkin Pie for dessert. He got to blow out his birthday wish candle and did it all by himself this year. He got to open presents and only got a little help from his bigger sister! ; ) I think he went to bed a very tired, but completely satisfied little boy! And of course that is all I want for him on any given day, so I say Mission Complete! : )

I have received two awards since my last post and as always appreciate them ... so thank you! I have good intentions of responding to them appropriately, but have been a little overwhelmed with present making, in combination with a spider costume I am trying to pull out of my brain consisting of coat hangers, fluff, black fabric, and a turtleneck... I might have more on that later if I can pull it off. I am making it up as I go.. so I'm hoping I can, since I have a very determined (almost) 4 year old expecting her mama to pull through for her... wish me luck on that! We also have a party for the both of the kids this Saturday, which is also spider themed and we have been making all different kinds of decorations and such.. also hoping to post about them... before they are obsolete... but I am only posting tonight because I am having a hard time coming down from a busy day and am up much later than is probably wise for my sanity tomorrow!! : )

and on that note....my dear good friends... thank you for your patience in my posting. I hope to have more in the near future... but I guess we'll see just how manic I get! ; )

Today I am thankful that I have been blessed with the sweetest, most beautiful boy I know. HAPPY BIRTHDAY BABY!!
I am grateful for the fall weather and changes it is bringing.
I am grateful that I have a house so full of love that it can sometimes overwhelm me... but usually in a good way! ; )

Ch-Ch-CH-Changes

Well it is nap time and my children are both actually sleeping!! Wow! I actually have a few moments of time to myself.... hard to believe!

I'm not sure if it is the season or the things going on in my life, but I have been feeling very nostalgic lately. The only constant is change. I hate change. I try not to, but I just don't enjoy it much. I like to have a rough idea of how my day is going to go... and I think that carries over into my life in general. Of course, that doesn't change the way that life is, so during times of change I have to make a concerted effort to go with the flow instead of fighting it the whole way. I'd like to say that I am getting better at it as I grow older and wiser, but I think that the opposite is true. I get nervous and fret a bit whenever something I am comfortable with needs to change. I understand that change comes from growth and that it is a necessary part of life... I just don't translate what I know, into how I feel, quite as well as I'd like to!

We have quite a few changes going on around our house right now...

Emily started school yesterday. HIGH SCHOOL!!! I was a nervous wreck all day yesterday. I know that she is ready, but I can't help but put myself in her place. As old as she thinks I am, it still feels like yesterday to me when I stop and bring up all the memories, both good and bad, from that time in my life. I got up early and drove her downtown(she will be riding the bus most mornings) to go to her first day of high school, but I forgot to take her picture! It was too early and truthfully, I was just trying not to throw up on the poor child(my morning sickness is still going strong!), but I did get a shot of her once she got home.

I think that proves to me that she is a big girl and is going to be just fine! : ) She said that things were a bit confusing, her school teaches in a different way than most. It's different than the way I went to high school, too. They have block academics in the mornings (so they have 80 minute classes, every other day to fit them all in) and then their major (hers is musical theater) in the afternoons. They have a long day. She starts at 7:40 and doesn't get out until 3:40. But it seems like she feels pretty comfortable and she is excited to get to focus so much energy on her passion.

I am glad that she is enjoying school, or is excited about the prospects anyway. I always have a week or two adjustment period to her not being around. I get really used to her being here most of the time during the summer. At times it can almost be a little too much, because whenever there is a moment when the little ones are occupied (or napping) then she wants to be with me even more, to get that one on one time. In the beginning of the summer it makes me a little crazy, but by the time she goes back to school I am used to my shadow, so when she is gone again... things just feel a little empty around here. I have to be honest though, I am thoroughly enjoying the fact that I am here at the computer and when I try to move I don't bump into her! I of course have my own changes going on right now, so it is especially welcome to have a little time to my own thoughts right now.

Every time that I have been pregnant I find it a little more difficult to perform my daily duties. It isn't just that I feel truly awful 90% of the time right now, although I do. It is what is going on in my head. I become so completely intrinsically focused when I am carrying a child. I know that it is a biological part of the process. It is important to pay attention to so many things, and the crazy hormone changes and the whole growing an entire human being thing... well they take time. They take time, and energy, and focus. They take a lot of things that I don't "have time" for on a daily basis. But it doesn't matter if I have the "time" or not because a baby has a way of making you take the time! I guess it is mother nature's way of getting the family ready for a new person to join the family, but it is something that I have a hard time with. I rarely get time to myself anyway, and now I feel like I should be spending as much quality time with my current family as I can, while I have the "time".

Ha! TIME is the key word of the day! It is such a powerful idea, time. There always enough if you make it, but there is never enough to do everything you want to do.

I was finally able to get a hold of my sister. She made the time(hee hee... sorry) to finally call me back... but only after I relentlessly harassed her answering machine AND her husband. I started calling his cell phone when I knew they were together as a family, because I had been trying to get to talk with her for over 3 weeks! She took the news very well. She got quiet for a minute and then promptly said congratulations and VERY promptly changed the subject! : ) I haven't spoken with her since... and I don't imagine that I will for awhile. But I am OK with that because I know she has her own stuff to deal with. I also have told my father, whose reaction was to ask if my sister knew and how she reacted to the news. I had waited until I HAD told her for this reason... and he's not a great secret keeper either so I didn't want it coming from him.... but he seemed pleased enough for us.

I have my first appointment with the midwives on the 14th. I can't wait to go! I am hoping to hear the heartbeat and I have completely convinced myself that it is twins... even though there is no history and I realize how unlikely it would be... and I am looking forward to being told that I am crazy and my uterus is the appropriate size for just one little nugget! I also look forward to getting a little comfort from being "seen". I forget every time, but I always remember when I am stuck in the middle of it... how unsettling the early part of pregnancy is for me. I am not a huge worrier in general, in fact, I tend to be a little overly optimistic. But in these early weeks there is so much that can go wrong, and there is very little reassurance that everything is going alright. I enjoy things much more during the second and third trimester, when you can feel your little one moving around and you have passed into the magic number of months where miscarriage is much more unlikely. I know that things still happen, but there is something to be said for being able to feel the small human growing inside of you! : )

Well, as I finished typing the last sentence I hear the calls of some bigger, little humans awaking upstairs! I hope that you all are well, and enjoying the last days of warmth (for us east coasters) while they are here! Much too soon the leaves will begin to fall and the evenings are already coming earlier... because the seasons like our lives are always changing! : )

and just because I haven't put any up in awhile...

Sophia at one of our local parks.

Roscoe giving me that charming smile! : )

Today I am thankful that all my family knows of our new addition, and is happy for us.
I am thankful that this wretched morning sickness at least makes me feel like I know that my body is doing what it needs to do to keep this baby healthy.
I am grateful to have only a little over a week before I will (hopefully) hear the heartbeat of our baby.
I am thankful that I live so close to so many beautiful trees that remind me how natural change really is!! : )

Home is where the heart is!

Wow!
I had a great trip!

I don't think I could have a had a better time! I had time to myself, to think. I had time to exercise whenever I wanted to.. that was awesome! I saw my grandparents... what a gift... I wish I had had more time with them! I got to see some old friends. I got to spend time with just Emily, which is rare so very much enjoyed, since we were such a team for such a long time. I had two LONG travel days so it was SOOOO short! it was only 3 days without travel and that is not alot of time when you haven't been somewhere in 5 years!! I truly enojoyed this break from my everyday life! It put a few things into perspective which I may have been feeling a little skewed in my head lately.

This last week that I have been home I have been playing catch up.

My husband did an amazing job with the kids! In fact, I was hoping he would be happy to go back to work and get away, giving me all kinds of accolades on the difficult job I do everyday... but he wishes he could be a Mr. mom I think. I was very proud and touched by how well he did while I was away. The house condition was surface lovely and kind of crazy underneath the piles, but the most important thing was that the kids were happy.... and they were.

Go Dad!! : )

I found out a number of things about myself while I was away. I found out that if left to my own devices and no time restraints or babies underfoot, I will exercise like a crazy woman... just because I can! I woke up at 6 every morning and went for the most incredible walks in the desert. I saw all kinds of desert life and even saw a lizard caught by a bird of prey about 7 yards away. It was fascinating... a little scary.. and definitely awe-inspiring! I also got to go swimming every single day, often twice, because my mom has a pool. I didn't know how much exercise AND relaxation you could get from a pool! I found out that I really love being around my kids everyday(which I already knew... but that fact was reinforced!). At first it was very hard. I cried myself to sleep the first night because I missed my babies so much. I also realized that my day to day can be a little overwhelming at times, and I need to investigate ways to proactively change that. It took me a few days to miss my man. We are having a difficult period of growth right now that is a little painful. I have faith that at the other side is a better and more fullfilling relationship for both of us... but right this second, it is a little straining. We have an amazing amount of love for each other, but we have a few bad habits that we are working on. That being said, while I was away I did nothing but talk all kinds of nice on him, I think. I met up with a ex..whatever... and the truth is I was hoping for a little innocent flirtation... instead I ended up annoying him with talking about how great my hubby is... and truthfully feeling at the time... ok, Ruth, that's one more what-if crossed of my list! I love my husband more than I can explain, but at times I fanatsize about a slightly easier life. At this point this is the longest relationship I have every maintained... and sometimes I wonder if every choice I made has been the right one... but, I guess my truth is that I wouldn't want to be anywhere else... with anyone else... doing anything else. I love my life and my family and as flawed as we are.... we love each other. We want the best for each other and work as hard as we can to make our lives what we want them to be. I don't think you could ask for anything more than that! : )

ok maybe I could ask for the winning lottery numbers, but as far as the really important things... we've got our bases covered! : )

Sadly for me, there was a slight memory card snafoo, so I don't have any pictures of my vacation, until Emily comes home and brings them to me. But, what I do have are some shots that my hubby took for me, while I was missing my kids.

...and also a few shots from the garden. Involving the same memory card issue, I don't have a lot of new shots from the garden, but hopefully tomorrow I will be able to get some... I think I've fixed the problem at this point.(ok I am not adding the photos, but promise to be on soon to update on the beautiful garden that has been developing this season!!)

For now enjoy a few happy moments in the last 2 weeks! : )




Al had never uploaded a picture, so I showed him how right before I left. This is my idea of a test shot... charming woman really I am.... : )













The kids at the Science Center while I was away.





Al and the kids in the awesome hanging castle we got last christmas that my hubby finally hung up while I was away! : )










Sophia with a new outfit my grammie made for the bear my sister made for the girls.







Roscoe flirting with himself in the mirror. He is NOT supposed to be up on that basket.. but he can't see otherwise, so I look away! : ) That is his favortie hat of the moment! I love mirror shots!




Today I am grateful for the loving family I have and the fullfillment I receive from them everyday!
I am thankful that I got to have a little get-away to relax and remind myself what my important things are!
I am grateful that I got to see how strong I have become, even if I don't always have the time to show myself here at home!!

Where the heck I have been!

I know that I have been a bit absent around here lately, but...

We have been working up a storm here at the old Fey household!

before we started the backyard over... again...

...after all the compost was worked in and sectioned off

We have our entire garden planted now, and we also have a bunch of new stuff in the front yard.

This is a closeup of the lilies of the valley that carpet the front. They were here when we got here... but were buried underneath years of neglect and decomposing leaves. Once we started cleaning up, we were amazed by these beautiful and incredibly fragrant wildflowers! They are now some of my favorites. My hubby doesn't like them because they are only in bloom for a few weeks and then they just kind of look like weeds... but I adore how our whole yard smells and looks for that glorious month.

So they stay!

It is an amazing thing what smell can do for you. Sometimes when arriving home tired, slightly frustrated from some family adventure, I will open the van door and suddenly feel better and realize that fabulous smell has already made me relax and feel the sense of home. That's a pretty sweet thing, as far as I'm concerned!

Not to mention how good I think it is for the kids to help and watch things to grow.

Playing in the dirt was always one of my favorite things to do as a kid, too!

My new initiative to get healthy for real is going very well!

I have been working on taking off this extra weight since Roscoe was born. It has been 18 months and with the hernia there was almost no exercise in the last 6 months before my surgery. I had a much harder time losing when my hernia started to get really bad, but maintained my weight. Although my food was not too bad... it wasn't enough. I needed to be able to move to get this thing going. So, once I was able to start really moving things started going pretty fast. I guess it was time to just get to it! Now that I am healthy enough to work hard... I'm hoping that this momentum keeps going!I have just this last week crossed a milestone and officially lost 50 pounds from the day after Roscoe was born. Wow! That's a whole lot of weight!

I really didn't realize how awful this hernia was, until now that it's gone and I don't feel horrible all the time!! HOORAY!! I can not tell you how easy it is to feel positive when you are not in constant pain! ...now don't let me fool you.. I have not been all dreamy cloud nine or anything... real life here ya know... but I am just now beginning to see how much this thing effected everything in my life, without me ever acknowledging it.

So, I have been walking everyday. I walk anywhere from 2-4 miles... depending on the day and circumstances. I walk to the park near my house(a little more than a mile) and then walk the mile track there. I have been speed walking... it feels really good to push my body and actually do it without horrible pain... cool! My muscles burn... and I am tired at the end of the day now... but that's a good thing. Of course less manic late night energy means that my blog time is pretty much cut down to nothing! But if that's what it takes then sadly for my blog... it is what I must do right know.

Also, I have mentioned the love/hate relationship I have with this HUGE tree in our back yard.. well this right here is a reason to hate it... this is EVERY SINGLE DAY!!

I kid you not... I have been putting in hours everyday raking and sweeping out all the little seedlings. It is also a reason to love the tree, a free and useful workout opportunity! It is good brain numbing physical work. It has a purpose and an achievable goal... which for whatever reason right now feels really good to me! Well, almost achievable... it is also a good lesson in laughter because as I am raking they are falling in buckets, in front of me and on my head...and it is definitely a laugh or cry moment... every time!!

I am thoroughly enjoying all this extra time that I have been outside and of course my kids love it too! I have also been taking them to the park every single day to play. They are feeling great and I want very much to instill a healthy love of the outdoors with them. I have always felt grounded when walking through or looking at nature... and I want my kids to feel the same way. I love to see them lose themselves in a field of dandelions gone to seed. Exploring the jungle gym at the new play area we've discovered. Watching ants carry food... being fascinated with a spider wrapping it's prey... the list is endless and watching them discover is one of my favorite things in the world.

So I hope that you can all forgive my definite loss of focus. For right now I am throwing myself whole heartedly into this new way of doing things. I am eating well, playing hard, working harder and enjoying the whole process. I am spending much less time on the computer and because of this I haven't had time to write nearly as much as I'd like to.

I've written a hundred posts in my head... so all I need to do is work on the technology that can take the idea from my head and put it straight up here for you guys and we'll be set! : )

I hope that you all are enjoying the nicer weather(and I hope that the nice weather has visited your area!). I wish all of you new beginnings and the freshness of spirit that the season requests!
OH YEAH, I almost forgot! I am getting my new tattoo on Monday! I am getting so excited! This is one that has been in my head for awhile now. I decided since this has come at my 50 pound loss I can label it my reward for hard work, and when I finally get the other 50 pounds off I will get myself another one! I think it is a nice goal for myself because it is something that I want and now I can work for it!
I hope that everyone has a spectacular weekend! : )

Today I am grateful for so many things it's hard to narrow it down!
I am thankful that we have had the ability (physicsally and financially) to put all this energy into our beautiful surroundings.
I am thankful that the kids and I have been able to go to the park everyday, and that we have such an amazing assortment to choose from here in the Burgh!

selfish blogger

So I hate to break the news to you, but I recently have had to come to accept that I am a selfish blogger. I wish that I could come and write something everyday... but often I just can't find the time in my day to sit here and write.
I wish that I could because I think of things constantly so at any given time I have 10-15 thoughts rolling around in my noggin.... and so when I am able to come and write I often find myself just needing to purge and not write a pretty and thoughtful post... and they are always way too long too.
sorry- but I guess that this is way more about me than you the reader... although I really like that people read it... I guess that's why I'm selfish -eh?
I do read all the blogs that I am subscribed to, but often don't comment on them... although it would only take a few more minutes... why do I do that?
I don't know either... but I'll work on it ok?

so here's some of the junk in my head:
Spring- I love it so much. I wish that it wasn't quite as rainy, but of course that is what makes it so darn pretty.... and from there we go to how much I love being able to take the kids to the park to play, and getting them some glorious sunshine and exercise. plus they have been playing outside in the backyard so much lately.. getting filthy and having a great time...

our garden- the front yard got a lot more of the garden budget this year than last... which is awesome. It looks very pretty...and I will post some pics here soon... I'm working on putting them on flickr too...
we are also moving the placement of the back garden, which is a LOT of work, and not being done by me yet (still healing, and although it's going well...it's not that good yet!), so my poor hubby has to do all the hard labor... but I am the one who gets to plan out the whole thing.. what we'll grow and where everything will go. We have a bunch of plants ready to go into the ground as soon as we get the actual ground ready... it's getting there and the new position will really help with the whole big ol tree covering the whole darn yard thing.. that we dealt with last year. of course that means we have to move grass(that finally was getting a good hold this year) and a lot of the actual dirt because we put a lot of good stuff into it... not to mention taking out some of the stuff that we don't want in it.. at any rate.. there's a lot of work in progress right now...

my health- I have been doing a great job with adding more movement and exercise into my daily activities... and also tracking my food... I am losing weight already (mostly water for now.. but encouraging nonetheless) and hope very much to keep going in this positive direction.

my tattoo- I am really ready to get the darn thing... but had to go into my savings for it... so will have to save a little longer... I don't think that I could actually sit for hours just yet either... so it's ok... but man do I have the itch... it's killing me over here! : )
there's other stuff but that was what flew out for now... so I guess that' it.
Oh yeah!!
I also received two blog awards in the last few days too... but I feel like they should get a post of their own. Thank you ladies for the honors... and I will write that post soon... hopefully tomorrow... but for now I have a terrible headache so I think I need to get some sleep!

Today I am grateful that it is Spring, and all I have to do is look out the window to feel inspired and optimistic.

I am thankful that my hubby has tomorrow off so we can work on the garden... I can't wait to get dirty and get to watch life bursting up from the ground! good stuff!

A Quickie!

I am feeling much better!
I went to the doctor and got drained... literally, with a comically large needle... well, not the actual needle just the plunger part... it was gross... BUT I feel tons better and now I shouldn't ever have to see my stinky doc again. I wanted to write a big long thing about it... and still might at some point, but right now it is too negative of a thought... and now that it is over (we hope)...
I am moving right along. quickly.

I have mentioned my plummeting body image with this whole situation and I have started actively doing something about it.
I have a plan.
It involves paying very close attention to what I am putting in my body(at least until I break a few bad habits, like eating late at night)... I had stopped being as diligent over the past year or so.... and I no longer have that excuse. I didn't realize that I was using it... until the reason was gone. I also didn't realize how much I had given up on myself in this last period of time. The fact is that even the simplest things would hurt me... so I just stopped movin and groovin...
well, I'm ready to dance, again!

I am using an online source, SparkPeople, to track my food and be realistic about my caloric intakeand calories burned. It has a lot of good resources and message boards for support and so forth. I am still nursing, but he is 18 months old and it is not his only nutrition. I am in the process of don't ask/don't refuse.... meh... we'll see how it goes...
anyway... I want to get outside again and go to the park now that it is getting nice here finally. I maintained my weight throughout the last year, even lost some, but my body got so soft(and aged a lot!) from the lack of exercise. I was so much healthier last spring/summer because we went to the park everyday...and I wore Roscoe and ran around with Sophia.
I'm ready to go and play again.

Of course I'm not ready for that yet physically... but I will be soon. I am doing super light weights and slow and easy stretches. I know my body well enough to know when to stop. I forced info from my fabulous doc and now know that I can push the fluid back inside and not hurt myself...
{short story, I have a cap where the hernia used to go, it fills with fluid when I over do it... but if I relax I can get the fluid back in, like I used to with the actual hernia...as long as I'm gentle and calm. This cap will take anywhere from 6 weeks to 6 months to heal... depending.. but at least now I know what it is and how to deal with it!}

I know that some of you are also stay at home moms... how do you find time to exercise? I want to be able to walk at first, to warm my body up (it's been fairly dormant!)...and work up to walking with some actual speed... and the only alone time I get is at 1 and 2 in the morning... not exactly a good time for walking the ghetto! : )
Any suggestions are welcome.. although I can say now that a gym is not financially possible (not to mention when I would go...).. I just need some good ideas of how to carve out some time for myself. It sounds good ( and is necessary), but I'm not sure how I can actually pull it off.

ok, just wanted to pop in and say hi! I'm here... I have a few different posts partially done.. a few recipes, and a project for my other blog. I'll get them up soon, but my Dad is coming to town this weekend so it might be a week or so still. Thanks for coming around when I can get here! : )

Today I am thankful that I have somehow flipped my positive switch back on....and it seems fairly stable in the happy position... ya! : )

I am grateful that my Dad will be here this weekend. His visits can sometimes stress me out.. but more in a good way than bad! I wish he could come more often!

My First(and third) Tattoo

A bloggy friend of mine over at Tattoos and Teething Rings just recently had a post about tattoos... imagine that with the name of her blog right? : )... and seeing that I have been wanting to post some of mine and their stories, AND seeing that I am planning on getting one as soon as I can stand to sit the way I would need to, to get it... and I guess after my body has healed from its most recent trauma... not to mention I have been cloistered to protect an unfortunate tweak in the belly the other night.... well, I guess now is as good a time as any, to tell the story.

I got my first tattoo was when I was just a kid really, 16. I think that we were supposed to be in school... but we were hanging out at a friends trailer.(Have I mentioned that I was pretty naughty? I hope my daughter doesn't try even half the crap, I managed to pull off.) This friend happened to be a boy who had just made himself a tattoo gun. It was like a jail gun, I would guess. It was made with the plastic outside of a Bic pen, a guitar string, and a motor that was attached with electrical tape. Just thinking about that day makes me smile. Those were the days(sort of)... no responsibilities to speak of, convinced of my own greatness or at least the ability to see through all the bullshit that everyone else filled their lives with... and shunning most of it, dramatically, but of course. At the time, I thought I knew EVERYTHING. Now, of course, I can easily see how I knew nothing at all... and I can't believe my mom was able to deal with my cynical, smart ass self.... although, I guess the truth is, she didn't deal with me well at all... but maybe now I can see why it is that she didn't.

It's not that I didn't know anything... actually most of the things I thought back then, I still have as some sort of base of my beliefs today.... it's just the arrogance of the age. I see it now in my own daughter... and sometimes catch myself smiling in spite of myself, when I am supposed to be reacting... quite shocked, or dismayed...or angry.... but really what I'm thinking is how much she sounds like me at that age and hoping that she makes it through this period with a little less drama than I did. She is my daughter, so it doesn't bode well for her. Although having someone around to openly mock your self important indignation might make all the difference... I guess we'll have to wait and see on that one. ; )

But I digress. Back to the tat.
Pat(the young man with the gun) had been using himself as a drawing board and was itching to get to some fresh meat. Most of the people that I hung out with were guys. Less drama (ha ha, not really just different kinds) and I think that most of them had gotten at least a small one already.... soooo

Pat: Hey Ruth, want to get a tattoo?
Me: sure
Pat - BIG SMILE(so cute...honestly still probably one of the coolest guys I know!): really?!?
Me: ok
Pat: well what do you want?
Me: I don't know... how about a lizard... here on my chest. I wore a lot of v neck t-shirts... it seemed logical.... and easy. That was the extent of my thought processing at the time.

Forgive the quality of the following picture this was from pre-digital days... remember this days?

...no 300 shots til you got it right.. just one and you hoped for the best, back then! : )

I lived to regret that tat for years. It was just so choppy(not his fault,he actually went over it a few times trying to make it look a little better, just the equipment, ya know?) and it wasn't in a great place for my body... just where it had been convenient to pull down my shirt a little and not get nakey in front of all the guys. Well, not regret... I guess... I didn't spend all my time fretting over it... honestly, I didn't think about it too much at all, but I didn't show it off either. I was not really confident in my own skin, so I didn't show much of it... and most people didn't see it often, including myself.
Fast Forward about 5 years. During that time I have graduated from high school, moved out on my own, gone to/graduated from beauty school, had a complete nervous breakdown, run away, come back pregnant, and settled down into the life of a young single working mom.

After Emily was born and my savings were gone(about 3 months) I got a job at a daycare. It was a YMCA in downtown. It just so happened that this daycare employed several people from my previous life. I didn't know it when I started there... but once I was there, I was re-introduced to my old lifestyle (strong local music scene) and a number of old acquaintances, who became great friends. I slowly got in contact with folks that hadn't been intimately involved in my freak out... and so weren't angry with me... just curious what had happened. Through all of this, I ended up reconnecting with my old friend, Pat. Only now Pat was working at a real shop, with good equipment... and long story short (sort of right?)... he offered to fix my tattoo for free. Which was amazing because he later told me that if he had been charging it would have been about $300, which at that time (heck still now, but much more so then) was an incredible amount of money!

What I ended up with was the most beautiful tattoo that I could imagine. This shot shows how happy I was at the end... not only because it was pretty, but because I was glad it was done... it took over three hours and I was ready for it to be finished by that time! : ) He redefined the old lizard, and added on another bigger and nicer one... added color to the old one and a lot of distracting and pretty lines, curves, and bubbles. I let him have complete artistic license and he did an amazing job! Pat still tattoos for a living and now owns his own shop, Burly Fish Tattoo, and from what I gather is doing VERY well. He has gone all over Europe through tattoo conventions and has great adventures doing the thing that he loves. How cool is that right? I haven't actually seen Pat since we both attended a mutual friend's wedding in Vegas back in 2001/2?(I can't believe I don't remember! Bad Mama... it's the children... they have filled my brain with so many other important things...like when they last pooped and whether the texture was right... eek!) But I am sure that if were to run into each other it would be a very pleasant reunion. : )

So, that is the story of my first and third tattoo. Kind of fun remembering the details. When you have tattoos you end up not thinking about them that much... because you see them every day. They just end up fading into the background. Well, at least for me anyway.
Hope you enjoyed that little jaunt down my memory lane. I will do another post on the others soon... or hopefully before the post about the newest edition! : )

Today I am grateful that I have met so many fascinating and talented people on this journey of mine.

I am thankful that my ink still looks good after all these years. I still get compliments on that piece! THANKS, Pat!! : )

riding the belly roller coaster

Welcome to my crazy. I am on a roller coaster ride of ups and downs with this stinking belly of mine. Wanna ride with me for a few minutes?

the last time I came on I was feeling SOOO much better. It was a great day, and I felt like I was back...really back... I even foolishly told my husband...yes, the Mama is back!

Sadly that same night, I fell asleep after reading to Sophia on the floor next to her bed and at some point in sleep twisted my legs around in a normal for me way... but when my hubby fetched me... at 2:30 in the morning(he fell asleep putting the boy child down!)... I was hurting again. I felt better than my insides were quite yet, I guess.
So, I have been trying to take it easier again, but I am feeling pretty down on myself. I know that this whole process wouldn't have been half as bad without all this extra weight I am carrying around.

I realized last night that I have been in denial about it for the last year and now it has really hit me... like a ton of bricks. no pun intended...

The only thing that I can do is accept that this is where I am right now, and move on from here... but I am finding it hard to do so. The thing is that I eat pretty well most of the time... I just haven't gotten enough exercise... for over year! Every time that I would do anything I ended up having to put my hernia back in (seriously it was up to 20 or more times a day towards the end) and if I ignored it and overdid it, I would have trouble getting it to stay in for days. So this darn thing has put me into a lazy pattern... and I am afraid that it is going to be hard to change.

I have always had issues with my weight. The only time that I have been really happy with it, (I was still overweight according to charts, but as far as I thought I looked really good... and more importantly felt good too!) I was walking 4-5 miles every single day. I would get off the bus in a different neighborhood than I lived and walk (at a pretty good pace), with Emily, through the woods to my house, plus working as a daycare teacher during the day and a waitress at night(you know how hard you work running for people!)... plus going to school nights and days in between everything else... the point is that I have to REALLY work HARD at not being a fattie.
I am in a place right now where I am ready and inspired to get moving... but I can't even pick my kids toys up off the floor without a good amount of discomfort...

which brings up a much lighter topic of my amazing Mama TOES. I have the ability to pick up the most amazing amount of stuff with my toes... can you all do that? Does it just happen when you become a Mama? Sophia always tries to do it.. but can't yet because her feet are so tiny.. but right now the only way for me to clean up the inordinate amount of mess that my kids make is to use my super mama toes to pick stuff up... hee hee it's kind of funny to watch I think! : )

anyhow...
my goodness, the ups and downs of this thing has had way more ramifications than I ever realized it would. I just wasn't prepared for it to rock my sense of self like it has.
I had to stop doing pretty much everything again for the last few days because whatever the heck I did to my belly that night twisting my legs has really mucked things up, again.
sigh.

I also have a bit of worry about this possible hematoma(sp?) too. When I first discovered it and spoke to my doctor (not the surgeon) and then the surgeon's nurse, I had felt relieved that it was probably "normal". Since that day I have been able to investigate a little more... part of the problem with this thing is that it had been so sore that I haven't really felt around much.. it was just too painful... but as things settle into where they will stay(maybe) I have been able to touch the belly more. Well, this thing has not even come close to going down in size but is now a good 2 1/2 or 3 inches long now. It isn't a rubber bouncy ball size, but more like a long protrusion, incredibly similar to what my hernia felt like, but harder. It doesn't hurt like it did when I had to go to the ER, but it is almost as big...not quite... but a good few inches. Yet another reason to feel awesome about my weight... if I didn't have so much belly yuck, it would be a heck of a lot easier to "see" what was going on...
man, my frustration level is so high...

yesterday I went from feeling amazing { I took my first bath because from the outside things are looking pretty healed up now, and I could soak like I've been wanting to do. It was a great bath, we all know how I LOVE me some bath time! I toned, did some amazing visualization, and FINALLY got off some particularly stubborn tape yuck that was in an area that had been way too sore to scrub, but after soaking it came off...} to feeling frustrated with not really knowing what this thing in my belly is...and frustrated with my backwards movement as far as comfort and activity level goes.

I'm sick of this ride at this point. I want to get off now. My family(especially my hubby) is ready for me to be back... not only to get to work (let's just admit cleaning is no fun for anyone and he's ready to go back to his usual responsibilities as far as home care.... pretty much nothing) but also for me to be light and joyous...laughing instead of crying.... and enjoying taking care of the kids and not just biting my lip to get to bedtime.

I thrive on the joy I usually feel from taking care of others, but right now I don't care and I don't want to do anything. I know that it hasn't been that long yet... but it doesn't help that the bruises are all but gone and incisions are looking (from the outside) healed up... but the insides feel awful still. I feel like my family thinks that I am being a baby and that I am exaggerating the pain that I am feeling. It could just be paranoia, my head IS all over the place.. but it feels real to me.
I'm sick of feeling this way myself, I can't imagine it is any easier for my loved ones to deal with when they don't feel or even see what the heck I'm complaining about. I'm sick of my crappy attitude about everything... and I just can't seem to shake this funk.
I know what I need to do... I just can't seem to do it.

On a completely non-pathetic, whiny note... yesterday while I was sequestered in my room, while the kids and Dad worked in the yard, getting ready for spring planting (probably another reason I'm sour... I can't do any prep work for my garden...something that brings me unbelievable amounts of stress relief, joy, and grounding....) I wrote a fun post about getting my first tattoo. I will be posting it as soon as my eldest kid let's me borrow her flash drive(I wrote it on the laptop in bed). It is a fun story and did it's job of distracting me from myself yesterday.

So, I guess that's the end of my pity party post today.... I promise that soon I will be fun again... I am fun right? ...most of the time? I will stop being so incredibly self-absorbed, complainy(is that a real word?), and boring... soon... I promise
hopefully much sooner than later.
and no one looks forward to that more than me!
until then:


Today I am grateful that I have super Mama toes, so that I can go clean up after my slovenly children.
I am thankful, that no matter how it feels right this second... this WILL NOT last forever... say it with me... everything is temporary... everything is temporary...
I am thankful that it looks to be a beautiful day outside and all my tulips are in bloom, as of today! : )

2 weeks ago

2 weeks ago I went in for surgery.

I haven't been on since then, and I find myself overwhelmed with where to start.
This thing has rocked my world and sent it spinning and I don't like where it's ended up so far. I think that my head has far too many thoughts to write a cognizant post. I guess that it will have to be a bit of a random vomit session.

You have been warned.
***EDITED - ok after reading this wow... truly prepare yourself emotionally for a long winded post! I shouldn't have been gone so long!!***

This entire process has taken me into a whole new place, and quite frankly I have been really struggling with the repercussions.
It has put me in my head(with days and days of medicated fog), it has racked me with the most intense pain I have ever known(and I had my last two babies completely naturally). I like to think of myself as someone who can handle physical discomfort in general. I know lots of people say this and are wrong, but I think that I have a pretty high pain thresh hold. I have had an abdominal surgery before... and although it was 10 years ago, I was back to work in a week.
I'm still in pain... I was reminded today that it has only been two weeks.... take it easy.

well, it turns out that I don't take it easy well... I am a BAD patient. I don't like not being able to do things for myself. This is not the first time that I have had to sit back and watch my family struggle to keep things going (pregnancy issues)... we are a pretty well oiled machine as far as the daily chore type things... we all have our roles, and jobs that help to keep the family running smoothly.... small kids, means schedules make our lives functional.... well I do my share of things around here as does everyone else. Our lives are full... so me being out of the picture puts a little more onto everyone else in the house. That is hard for me to watch.
I have control issues, I guess. My house is my realm... I know where everything is... I am for sure the organizer of the house... so you can imagine how fun I was for the other folks in my house. I was so happy today when I could fix the pantry because people had stuff all over the place... clutter like that kills me... you couldn't tell by the rest of my house, but I am totally "sleeping with the enemy" about my cupboards(did I just date myself there?)
I tried to be nice to people but I'm sure I was a stinky wench on at least a few occasions. I took crazy amounts of pain killers for FIVE days.. I had thought it would be 3... I slowed down considerably but had to take a few for the next couple of days. I am still nursing my son... so I had to have a complicated medicine"plan" and skip a few at night so he could nurse... and the first few days by the time he was done nursing in the morning, I would be shivering from the pain ... truth be told I was hoping he might not be that interested in still nursing.. but he has come back with a furry. It's ok... just another layer onto my crazy sandwich right now. Hormones can suck. The up and downs of weaning are fun, fun stuff!

The first time I stood up in the hospital to try and pee... I fell to the ground. It felt like my whole front side was going to fall off. I have 11 entry spots... like a clock around my belly button.
my personal self satisfaction with the way that I look couldn't be more difficult right now.
I can't look in the mirror.
I have never felt this way about my body, and it is awful. I guess the truth is that I have been struggling for awhile, but this threw me way out of whack. I have been steadily trying to eat healthy...and have lost about 20 pounds(pre-pregnancy) since my son was born, but my hernia made things really hard... I am trying to use this time to really get my abs back under control... I am way out of shape..and I hate it. I just today did some very mellow stetches.. it felt really good. I am so focused on my abdominals right now (whether I want to be or not) that I figure I can just do isometric exercises all the time. while I lay and read I try and hold in from deep inside... it's something I coouldn't do for the last year and 4 months... any kind of stretching or exercising made my darn hernia pop..so my muscles are SOO weak! baby steps, right?

who knew that laying on my side was so important to me... your core is so instrumental in everything that you do.

I have only been able to stand/walk or lay down flat on my back because sitting is (still) fairly uncomfortable. I do have a yoga ball and that is what I sit at my desk with anyway...so that helps..it is much more gentle than chair.

My husband has been amazing throughout this time. He had one major meltdown... and it had been a week... and I'm sure I would have melted down at some point too. He works hard and then he had to take on my share...which is not so teensy... it's a lot all along with doing ALL the childcare(not used to it) and being "stuck" in the house all day(not very agreeable with that either), plus taking care of me(he tried but it takes a lot to take care of the kids..and they missed their Mama!). His meltdown came from me saying that instead of complaining about how much he was doing, he could say, wow, honey you do a lot around here for us when you're not broken, thank you... but I was a little self absorbed at the time... and truth betold it did sound a little ungrateful, but I still think it could've been nicer said in my way...

My doctor made a fat joke about me the day he came in to let me go home from the hospital.
me: I had just taken my first shower without my binding on..and it hurt and scared me for going home and not having rails to help me, or as much pain relief, and stuff like that.... well you know how in the hospital people knock, but then they just come in... well my surgeon did that ....when my nurse had just helped me put my binding back on and I was using the bed handles to pull myself up to a sitting position...
DR: hyuck hyuck hyuck, how ya doing there, as you pull that big thing up there... hyuck hyuck hyuck
ME: stony silence, thinking, really? did you just say that to me? ...as tears of anger, frustration, and humiliation start to run down my cheeks... I am an incredibly sensitive and emotional person... when I am in control of my stuff..... most people don't see it as much... but when in physical pain, and a drugged, foggy brain (have I ranted on how much I dislike those darn things? but wow, they do work and thank god for them...seriously), well the floodgates opened. albeit silent and bitter..tears nontheless... bastard
DR: so it was harder then you thought it would be huh?
ME: well yeah, I thought I'd be able to go home... and I didn't realize I would have so many holes in me
DR: hyuck hyuck hyuck ....patting my hand condescendingly... everyone says that. ok so I'm writing you a prescription for Vicoden, I'll see you on the 13th.
he walks out the door.
ME: flabbergasted... angry... hurting... scared...

I called my doctor's office on friday morning as soon as they opened ( I had fretted all day thursday about whether or not to call) because I had a few questions about my hernia and a few of my incisions. I get a return call from the receptionist 5 minutes before closing... oh the doctor's on vacation today(oh did you forget that when I talked to you this morning?) and the nurse is off today too(oh you neglected to mention that as well >:/). You DO realize you have an appointment on Tuesday(are you serious...I have to wait for 5 days for someone to answer a question that I feel is really important?)
yes, I know I have an appointment TUESDAY, you know what, never mind. thanks. bye. (this is where I screwed up. I should have been a bitch and said I needed to talk to someone right then.. then I wouldn't have worried for FIVE days. I didn't want to call the doctor on call at my doctor's office, because it was Good Friday, and it took me awhile to stop being really angry and able to think of solutions, Al was working his first long day and I was trying, but having a hard time keeping up with what I needed to be doing. If the stinking receptionist had told me in the morning that the doctor was out(and I had known this too, but forgot...I was doped up for days, I tell you...confused...sleepy) I would have been able to problem solve and call my doctor... I get weird about calling, because my sister is a doctor and I know it is hard on them... and I don't have insurance so I feel worse then if an insurance company paid them..anyway....
I wait til Tuesday and the doctor's appointment is cancelled because of an emergency surgery... which I get, but I already waited 5 days. Why couldn't a nurse called me Monday... why was that too much to ask?
So I ended up seeing a very nice doctor today, I have a rubber bouncy ball sized bump below where my hernia was repaired... it felt to me like a piece that I used to put back in before... I had been so swollen and dopey that I didn't notice it until last Thursday...and it felt like it was getting bigger(or maybe my swelling was gong down?) the thought that he had missed something or messed something up, threw me into a panic. the thought of going back under right now makes me want to cry.... and for 5 days I thought that because my doctor and his whole staff, was too busy to call me back. butt heads.
It turns out it is probably just a hematoma(?)(a bubble of blood/fluid) from the suture site which will most likely get re-absorbed into my body(Mmm). I'll find out when I go back in next Tuesday, if he doesn't get called into surgery, that is.
The thought of literally sticking needles into my eyes, sounds more appealing to me than going to see my doctor. rock on.

I am an ungrateful wench.... my uncle went into surgery a few days after me... he was not as lucky as I and went back again today... we are praying he will pull through.. its up and down for him.
I am fine. and ungrateful. rock on.

I really am feeling much, much better after talking with my doctor today. I am writing a letter to the hospital. It will be very polite but realistic about my frustrations with my doctor. They are real and valid.
I am so very thankful that soon, I will be feeling much better...everyday since Saturday has been a little bit more like me again...
oh and did I mention that I freaked out and cut off all of my hair? 5 days ago? and have cut it everyday since?
oh yeah... CARAZY!!
that's me.. my daughter threatened to take the scissors.. I told her don't bother there is nothing left! : ) it's just hair.. but I am still sad. I just wanted to trim it, but it just didn't look good any of the ways I cut it... it is literally a few inches all over now...I probably cut 8 inches in the back ... CARAZY!!
I think I was hormonal... and also my lovely eldest told me my hair made me look like a senior citizen before I cut it...
was that a compliment? really?
thanks kid...I'm in my frickin thirties for the love of Pete! thanks kid. way to boost my moral! <:/
anyway my belly is killing me at this point and I am drained. so sorry to have this be so convoluted... I have had a lot on my mind. oh and we dyed eggs and had a lovely day on Easter. mellow but lovely. I've missed being here. I promise the next post will make more sense! : ) good night!

Today I am thankful that the worst is over and only better time are coming!
Today I am thankful for the amazing, kind,and gentle nurses that I came in contact with during my stay in the hospital.
{by the way, I've been thinking of making cookies for the nurses station where I stayed... weird or nice? what do you think? and how many would I need..it seems like a lot! any ideas?)
I am grateful for my family for putting up with my cranky medicated BIG BUTT!!

a quickie

WARNING: everything here has been written by a girl on numerous painkillers.

Hi all!
I made it through the surgery!
I ended up getting ELEVEN holes in my body, staying overnight at the hospital(which was not expected... but neither were 11 holes!!)
I am home and on a good amount of pain medicine.
I am doing alright. but it is a bit of a struggle...
my next post will be one about humility and how I think that is one lesson that I need to learn from this experience.
one of the hardest things ion the world for me is to have to depend on other people to take care OF me...I'm a much better caretaker than a care receiver... it makes me feel guilty and is very uncomfortable for me...
all of this being said...
I am healthy(enough) and headed to bed.
Just wanted to thank you all for your thoughts and prayers and let you know that I am among the living... the drug induced and overwhelmed perhaps but here and kicking nontheless.

Today I am grateful to have a family who will take care of me.
I am thankful that my surgery was successful.
I am thankful that in a month this will all be a memory and I will be feeling MUCH better!

Blogs, blogs, everywhere!

One of my bloggy friends at This Stop Willoughby put out a challenge last week I think (ok, I had to look it up to link you to the post and it was 2 weeks ago...so what...I'm slow... I've been busy!), asking her readers for new blogs that we might read, that fall outside of the small circle of us who migrated from Allrecipes, which if you don't know is a pretty great place to find a recipe and possibly some good advice or help on a cooking query through their recipe exchange.
Anyway:
I wanted to share three blogs that I follow.
Two, I found when I first started blogging myself, and one I found tonight.

The first one, Jen, at Buried with Children is a mom of four, triplets and an older boy.
She is funny, and witty, and real.

The second one, BlueViolet, at A Nut in a Nutshell is a mom with two older kids.
She is funny, and quirky, and fun to read.

The third one, Keri, at Forever Folding Laundry, I don't know much about yet.
I just found it tonight, but something about the way she writes made me feel like I would want to read more!

I hope that some of you check out these blogs and find some new interesting reading!

On another note, I am going to be starting a new blog as well. Something that has been taking up quite a bit of my blogging time lately (perish the thought) is my new desire to have a more focused learning environment for my kids... sooo I am going to have a new blog about my preschool curriculum, showing fun ideas for themed activities, songs, crafts and anything else I can think of. I think it will also be a good way to keep myself organized and not repeat myself too much. Plus, I think that it would be great to bounce creative ideas around with all my bloggy friends out there! : )
I don't think that all of you will be interested in it, since some of you have much older kids, and I also don't want to have this gratitude blog get taken over... because it has become such a helpful tool in keeping a better perspective on things.

I'm working on getting things together for that one and will certainly let you all know when I get the first blog up and running! I already have my first post taped(entitled story time, which will be an at least weekly feature) and ready once I write an intro post! ; )

{alright the intro post is now up! my new blog is The Fey FamilyABCs and 123s . It is getting stupid late, so more new posts will go up on the new blog tomorrow!}

Tonight I am grateful to have some peace and quiet to write this out tonight!
(it's been busy around here lately! I had 8 teenage girls in the house overnight, and the hubby works weekends so that was 11 kids for breakfast! I felt like a short order cook!)
I am thankful that I found blogging, it has so many benefits for me.
( I know I say it all the time, but it's so so so true!)

Emily's 14th Birthday

Hellooooooo!

yes I know.. I have been a very bad little monkey! AGAIN!!

I have had several things going on recently. The best of which was that my oldest, Emily, had her "special" birthday. She turned 14 on the 14th of March. I had built this thing up to enormous proportions in my head, and she had as well, so being the crazy person that I am, I ended up feeling a little overwhelmed and slightly wacky for a little while... which leads into one of the other things going on here... hernia BADNESS!!

It was really ok until the day of Emily's birthday, at which point my body told me in no uncertain terms...CHILL OUT WOMAN!! I'm convinced that one of the reasons I have this thing is because I sometimes need a very dramatic reminder that I need to breathe, and relax, and not try to control the entire universe! : )

I know, of course, that in reality I have no control whatsoever, but that doesn't make it any easier to stop and just let things happen sometimes!

So, I was able to push through and ignore that I was in pain for her day... and it ended up being the best day ever for her(and so also for me)! HOORAY! I would do it all over again to see the look of joy on her face throughout.the.entire.day. She is very good at not needing huge amounts of attention... with two younger siblings, but that one day was ALL about her..and honestly who doesn't want(and need) that every once in awhile? : )

So, I will say one more thing about my bad, bad hernia... it stinks! A LOT!! The day after Emily's birthday I went down hard, for two days. I just couldn't push through it for another minute it felt like. I know that stress effects me physically very hard, especially as far as GI stuff goes, so it wasn't a big shock. Annoying, yes, but shocking, no.

It is frustrating beyond my comprehension (and I don't think people get it, unless they themselves have had to deal with it) when my body refuses to do what it is told and takes matters into it's own hands. It is like when I have been put on bed rest during my pregnancies... everyone jokes and says how great it must be to NOT HAVE to do anything, but anyone who has experienced the frustration of not being ALLOWED to do anything knows... it's just not fun. Plus, I am the one who runs this household, and much to the amazement of my own husband, who just can't understand why things are so messy and out of control when I am down and out... I do a heck of a lot around here... every single day... shoot pretty much every minute, and often late into the night... It is a never ending chore to keep a house running smoothly! I know that some of you know what I am talking about! I sometimes think my hernia is the universe's way of reminding my dear hubby how good he's got it when I'm on top of my game. He is always flabbergasted(to my deep frustration as well) how much more he has to do when I am down... (to which I try NOT to respond with..um yeah, DUH!! how exactly did you think things were being done.. magic? no dear it is hard work... constant, hard, fairly unappreciated, and sometimes tedious work. sprinkled with LOTS of patience and a good amount of humor, the more self-deprecating the better! not one of my hubby's strong suits, by the way!)

Anyway, I am waiting for my surgery to be scheduled, as we speak... wouldn't you know it as soon as I decide enough is enough, I need to get it done.. well there are several emergency surgeries through out the week , and now the doctor is going on vacation. bummer. I don't begrudge the man a vacation, I'm sure he earns and deserves them... just a little funny to me how things work out generally for me in my life! : )

So with all that info out of my head... back to Emily!

Her birthday went really well, because it was mostly mellow. We had a chill day together the kids and I and then we all went out to dinner and met my sister and family there. We went to a teppan yaki place where they cook the food in front of you. We had gone there a few times before usually for her birthday. It was ok, but at one point I got pretty grumpy, because we had forgotten about the St Patrick's Day parade which here is a big stinking deal.... if one more drunk person knocked into me without saying excuse me or sorry...I was going to scream... but Emily had fun and that is all that mattered! I do NOT think that I will go to this particular place again, because I made the reservation 2 weeks in advance but we were in an awful part right near the bar and they knew that we were having high chairs...so maybe they could 've put us in the back away from the ruckus... but instead they put more drunk people there and spread the crazy all over the place. I did speak to the manager about it.. but it was too busy for him to care..which is why I was a little tense.. but all in all if the kid had fun... it's all good... I guess. Atleast there is no smoking in restaurants here.. that would have been the final straw.

After that we went home for ice cream cake and finally presents( poor girl had to wait all day!). She got a bunch of new clothes from her aunt and a few things from us. When I gave her the book, she got a little teary eyed...and just said..wow, I didn't know that many people cared about me. To which I replied with a smile...yeah I knwo that was kind of the point! : )

I ended up getting responses from all but one relative(who truth be told I didn't want to participate anyway, but was trying to be cool about it... I guess she doesn't like me either... it all worked out!) And then 15 out of 22 friends. It turned out lovely, and she loves it and that made all the late nights totally worth it! : )

Then everyone left, the babies and Al went to bed, and Emily and I designed two henna designs together, and I put it on her hands, while we watched a movie together and talked. It came out beautifully and it turned out to be a great day for everyone involved.

yay!

I have some shots of the days activities and my sweet (not so little) girl.

Happy birthday kid! : )

the fam at dinner, BIL,sister, the kid, and her cousin.

she got a sparkler in her ice cream... fun way to end the evening! : )

me and my sister

the birthday girl. mid-present opening

the little girl cousins

Uncle Tim and ROscoe, there was a lot of hugging that day!: )

the book : )

the henna, when it was still wet

the henna has to dry on your hands for at least 6 hours... so after it dried she put gloves over her hands and went to bed. we flaked it off the next morning.

this was what it looked like right after we got it all off.

the next day it was MUCH darker.

this is what she did when I said let me see your hands for a picture to show how dark it is... you wonder why she is interested in theatre! she is a natural born drama queen! : )

Today I am thankful that my daughter enjoyed her special day!

I am grateful that she felt special and joyous... HAPPY BIRTHDAY BABY!!

I LOVE YOU!!