2 weeks ago

2 weeks ago I went in for surgery.

I haven't been on since then, and I find myself overwhelmed with where to start.
This thing has rocked my world and sent it spinning and I don't like where it's ended up so far. I think that my head has far too many thoughts to write a cognizant post. I guess that it will have to be a bit of a random vomit session.

You have been warned.
***EDITED - ok after reading this wow... truly prepare yourself emotionally for a long winded post! I shouldn't have been gone so long!!***

This entire process has taken me into a whole new place, and quite frankly I have been really struggling with the repercussions.
It has put me in my head(with days and days of medicated fog), it has racked me with the most intense pain I have ever known(and I had my last two babies completely naturally). I like to think of myself as someone who can handle physical discomfort in general. I know lots of people say this and are wrong, but I think that I have a pretty high pain thresh hold. I have had an abdominal surgery before... and although it was 10 years ago, I was back to work in a week.
I'm still in pain... I was reminded today that it has only been two weeks.... take it easy.

well, it turns out that I don't take it easy well... I am a BAD patient. I don't like not being able to do things for myself. This is not the first time that I have had to sit back and watch my family struggle to keep things going (pregnancy issues)... we are a pretty well oiled machine as far as the daily chore type things... we all have our roles, and jobs that help to keep the family running smoothly.... small kids, means schedules make our lives functional.... well I do my share of things around here as does everyone else. Our lives are full... so me being out of the picture puts a little more onto everyone else in the house. That is hard for me to watch.
I have control issues, I guess. My house is my realm... I know where everything is... I am for sure the organizer of the house... so you can imagine how fun I was for the other folks in my house. I was so happy today when I could fix the pantry because people had stuff all over the place... clutter like that kills me... you couldn't tell by the rest of my house, but I am totally "sleeping with the enemy" about my cupboards(did I just date myself there?)
I tried to be nice to people but I'm sure I was a stinky wench on at least a few occasions. I took crazy amounts of pain killers for FIVE days.. I had thought it would be 3... I slowed down considerably but had to take a few for the next couple of days. I am still nursing my son... so I had to have a complicated medicine"plan" and skip a few at night so he could nurse... and the first few days by the time he was done nursing in the morning, I would be shivering from the pain ... truth be told I was hoping he might not be that interested in still nursing.. but he has come back with a furry. It's ok... just another layer onto my crazy sandwich right now. Hormones can suck. The up and downs of weaning are fun, fun stuff!

The first time I stood up in the hospital to try and pee... I fell to the ground. It felt like my whole front side was going to fall off. I have 11 entry spots... like a clock around my belly button.
my personal self satisfaction with the way that I look couldn't be more difficult right now.
I can't look in the mirror.
I have never felt this way about my body, and it is awful. I guess the truth is that I have been struggling for awhile, but this threw me way out of whack. I have been steadily trying to eat healthy...and have lost about 20 pounds(pre-pregnancy) since my son was born, but my hernia made things really hard... I am trying to use this time to really get my abs back under control... I am way out of shape..and I hate it. I just today did some very mellow stetches.. it felt really good. I am so focused on my abdominals right now (whether I want to be or not) that I figure I can just do isometric exercises all the time. while I lay and read I try and hold in from deep inside... it's something I coouldn't do for the last year and 4 months... any kind of stretching or exercising made my darn hernia pop..so my muscles are SOO weak! baby steps, right?

who knew that laying on my side was so important to me... your core is so instrumental in everything that you do.

I have only been able to stand/walk or lay down flat on my back because sitting is (still) fairly uncomfortable. I do have a yoga ball and that is what I sit at my desk with anyway...so that helps..it is much more gentle than chair.

My husband has been amazing throughout this time. He had one major meltdown... and it had been a week... and I'm sure I would have melted down at some point too. He works hard and then he had to take on my share...which is not so teensy... it's a lot all along with doing ALL the childcare(not used to it) and being "stuck" in the house all day(not very agreeable with that either), plus taking care of me(he tried but it takes a lot to take care of the kids..and they missed their Mama!). His meltdown came from me saying that instead of complaining about how much he was doing, he could say, wow, honey you do a lot around here for us when you're not broken, thank you... but I was a little self absorbed at the time... and truth betold it did sound a little ungrateful, but I still think it could've been nicer said in my way...

My doctor made a fat joke about me the day he came in to let me go home from the hospital.
me: I had just taken my first shower without my binding on..and it hurt and scared me for going home and not having rails to help me, or as much pain relief, and stuff like that.... well you know how in the hospital people knock, but then they just come in... well my surgeon did that ....when my nurse had just helped me put my binding back on and I was using the bed handles to pull myself up to a sitting position...
DR: hyuck hyuck hyuck, how ya doing there, as you pull that big thing up there... hyuck hyuck hyuck
ME: stony silence, thinking, really? did you just say that to me? ...as tears of anger, frustration, and humiliation start to run down my cheeks... I am an incredibly sensitive and emotional person... when I am in control of my stuff..... most people don't see it as much... but when in physical pain, and a drugged, foggy brain (have I ranted on how much I dislike those darn things? but wow, they do work and thank god for them...seriously), well the floodgates opened. albeit silent and bitter..tears nontheless... bastard
DR: so it was harder then you thought it would be huh?
ME: well yeah, I thought I'd be able to go home... and I didn't realize I would have so many holes in me
DR: hyuck hyuck hyuck ....patting my hand condescendingly... everyone says that. ok so I'm writing you a prescription for Vicoden, I'll see you on the 13th.
he walks out the door.
ME: flabbergasted... angry... hurting... scared...

I called my doctor's office on friday morning as soon as they opened ( I had fretted all day thursday about whether or not to call) because I had a few questions about my hernia and a few of my incisions. I get a return call from the receptionist 5 minutes before closing... oh the doctor's on vacation today(oh did you forget that when I talked to you this morning?) and the nurse is off today too(oh you neglected to mention that as well >:/). You DO realize you have an appointment on Tuesday(are you serious...I have to wait for 5 days for someone to answer a question that I feel is really important?)
yes, I know I have an appointment TUESDAY, you know what, never mind. thanks. bye. (this is where I screwed up. I should have been a bitch and said I needed to talk to someone right then.. then I wouldn't have worried for FIVE days. I didn't want to call the doctor on call at my doctor's office, because it was Good Friday, and it took me awhile to stop being really angry and able to think of solutions, Al was working his first long day and I was trying, but having a hard time keeping up with what I needed to be doing. If the stinking receptionist had told me in the morning that the doctor was out(and I had known this too, but forgot...I was doped up for days, I tell you...confused...sleepy) I would have been able to problem solve and call my doctor... I get weird about calling, because my sister is a doctor and I know it is hard on them... and I don't have insurance so I feel worse then if an insurance company paid them..anyway....
I wait til Tuesday and the doctor's appointment is cancelled because of an emergency surgery... which I get, but I already waited 5 days. Why couldn't a nurse called me Monday... why was that too much to ask?
So I ended up seeing a very nice doctor today, I have a rubber bouncy ball sized bump below where my hernia was repaired... it felt to me like a piece that I used to put back in before... I had been so swollen and dopey that I didn't notice it until last Thursday...and it felt like it was getting bigger(or maybe my swelling was gong down?) the thought that he had missed something or messed something up, threw me into a panic. the thought of going back under right now makes me want to cry.... and for 5 days I thought that because my doctor and his whole staff, was too busy to call me back. butt heads.
It turns out it is probably just a hematoma(?)(a bubble of blood/fluid) from the suture site which will most likely get re-absorbed into my body(Mmm). I'll find out when I go back in next Tuesday, if he doesn't get called into surgery, that is.
The thought of literally sticking needles into my eyes, sounds more appealing to me than going to see my doctor. rock on.

I am an ungrateful wench.... my uncle went into surgery a few days after me... he was not as lucky as I and went back again today... we are praying he will pull through.. its up and down for him.
I am fine. and ungrateful. rock on.

I really am feeling much, much better after talking with my doctor today. I am writing a letter to the hospital. It will be very polite but realistic about my frustrations with my doctor. They are real and valid.
I am so very thankful that soon, I will be feeling much better...everyday since Saturday has been a little bit more like me again...
oh and did I mention that I freaked out and cut off all of my hair? 5 days ago? and have cut it everyday since?
oh yeah... CARAZY!!
that's me.. my daughter threatened to take the scissors.. I told her don't bother there is nothing left! : ) it's just hair.. but I am still sad. I just wanted to trim it, but it just didn't look good any of the ways I cut it... it is literally a few inches all over now...I probably cut 8 inches in the back ... CARAZY!!
I think I was hormonal... and also my lovely eldest told me my hair made me look like a senior citizen before I cut it...
was that a compliment? really?
thanks kid...I'm in my frickin thirties for the love of Pete! thanks kid. way to boost my moral! <:/
anyway my belly is killing me at this point and I am drained. so sorry to have this be so convoluted... I have had a lot on my mind. oh and we dyed eggs and had a lovely day on Easter. mellow but lovely. I've missed being here. I promise the next post will make more sense! : ) good night!

Today I am thankful that the worst is over and only better time are coming!
Today I am thankful for the amazing, kind,and gentle nurses that I came in contact with during my stay in the hospital.
{by the way, I've been thinking of making cookies for the nurses station where I stayed... weird or nice? what do you think? and how many would I need..it seems like a lot! any ideas?)
I am grateful for my family for putting up with my cranky medicated BIG BUTT!!