struggle

struggle

that is the one word description of many different aspects of my everyday right now...

and it is frustrating

I hate it when I can't rearrange reality to fit into my happy perspective...

I want to see the light in everything, but when the negative things start piling up it gets a little more difficult.

I'm feeling discontent. which is unusual and disconcerting for me.

this didn't come out of nowhere, but it did become exponentially more difficult recently for no foreseeable reason.

our anniversary is coming up. since we got married on leap day we don't have the day this year... but we decided that we would try and take a night off together. we are getting a hotel room downtown and leaving the kids over night (at home with his mom and Emily) for the first time in 4 years. the babies are 3 and 16 months.... it should be fine... but I don't feel excited about that right now though...

I feel anxious about it ....

the man and I have been butting heads, rather consistently over everything and nothing...

does that ever happen to you?

it is so draining and I don't have the extra energy to expend right now.

I also have a fairly constant internal struggle going on in my head right now... I am trying to come up with proactive ways to make my situation different than it is.. but I'm not coming up with any good ones... the ones I try aren't working..

and hold on you might need to sit down for this...

but my bath DIDN'T work.

the first time ever in my recollection that it didn't help...

where do you go when your tried and true methods of relaxation stop working?

on a positive note:

my boy hugging a bear that my Grammie made

Emily and I going to a performance at CAPA last week.

after breakfast today... with Roscoe showing his new "picture" smile...hambone that one is!

my little ones (well, and one not so little one!) are incredible and help me find pleasure in my everyday.

I have been actively planning themed activities, with a good dose of "structured" learning time for my three year old, and she has been incredibly responsive... so I have been getting excited about the possibilities... I get so many ideas running around in my head, and I have been attempting to fit them into a lesson plan in my head... this is something that I did for over 8 years when Emily was a baby and growing up, so I enjoy it... but it ends up frustrating me because I want "stuff"... like supplies, construction paper, safety scissors, glue, paint... and we don't have extra money.. but we are going out for our anniversary...and we could use that $ for the "stuff" .....but man...

I think that I REALLY need this recharge of time with my hubby with no kids and no dishes and no laundry...if even just for one night...

how do you reconcile your own needs versus your kids?

I mean the truth is that 90% of my day is fulfilling other people's needs.. my kids, my husband..even the darn cats... and I not only don't mind, but I thrive on it... but at the same time, I NEED to have at least a very small portion (2%?) of the rest of my day for my partner to attentively listen and then even every once in awhile fulfill MY needs...

I feel like such a baby here...what about me... whah!!!

but seriously...I'm at a point right now where I have to ask

what about me?

why do I find myself having to negotiate ways to get my needs met?

when did I stop being a person worthy of someone else's effort...and not just a giver to everyone else?

I mean all I want is for him to adore and respect me for the Goddess that I am... that's not asking too much...right? : )

no but honestly a little appreciation would go a LONG way for me right now!

sigh...

I don't like where my head is at right now.. but I feel at a loss to do anything about it... I could(and do) take care of myself, but every now and then it would feel great to be taken care OF for a change!

Tonight I am thankful that I have a beautiful family that I GET to take care.

(but I'd love to have just one of my family to feel thankful for me, and somehow express that to me...)