October used to be my favorite month...

Fall.
I LOVE Fall!
I love the cooler weather, the harvesting of all the work we've done over the summer in our garden, the fall treats... like everything pumpkin(pie, muffins, breads, butter, the list goes on and on...) and warm comforting drinks...
I can not tell you how much I enjoy watching the leaves change. It is, to me, the world reminding us that everything continually changes, and although we might have been enjoying the the phase we were in, we shouldn't mourn it's passing too much, because the next one has endless possibilities full of wonder, beauty, and joy as well!

When my husband and I got engaged, I knew right away that the wedding should be in October. October 16th was the date to be exact, the perfect time for a beautiful Fall wedding. The leaves are usually in their peak of brightness and variety of colors. The weather is cool, but often nice enough to have an outdoor ceremony. We booked a location within a local park with lots of trees, a good open area for the ceremony, and a farmhouse with a kitchen in the basement and a huge dance floor on the main floor. We never made it to our wedding, although we(my daughter, Al, and I) did go there that day and have our own little party to celebrate, because we eloped instead. We ran off to Las Vegas and got married on Leap Day 2004. I will never regret that decision for many reasons, but mostly because I am married to the love of my life and we have proven to ourselves that our life will be full of passion and sometimes somewhat rash but usually good decisions... but I do think about it still around this time of year. I will also never regret that we didn't get married in October because now it is the BUSIEST month in our whole year!
When we were pregnant with our first child her due date was actually October 14th the next year. She is a stubborn little thing (since birth) and waited until the 29th to join our family, just three days shy of her father's birthday on the first of November. Yes, she was actually 15 days late! She arrived on the very last day she could without having to be born in a hospital (you usually can't deliver at the birth center after 14 days postdates, but they gave me over the weekend because they knew how badly I didn't want to be in the hospital... and she came late that Saturday night). Our second child together had a due date of October 2nd or 3rd(how terrible that I don't actually remember!). He is much easier going by nature (since birth as well) and only decided to make us wait until the 12th. Apparently, January is a good(or bad depending on your perspective) month for fertility! I say this not only because we have two children in October, but because we also have my Aunt's birthday on the 8th, my grandmother on the 17th, my sister on the 22nd, a good friend on the 25th, and my husband on the first of November... ok not technically October by REALLY close... close enough to make this the absolute busiest birthday month of the year!!
So, when I stop and think about it, I realize that it is true that everything happens for a reason although you might not understand it at the time... if we had our anniversary in October it would get completely lost in the holiday madness that is my October now (because let's not forget Halloween right in between Sophia and Al, which requires ridiculous amounts of work and planning, if I am ever going to manage costume making into this incredibly hectic month!)!!

So, I still enjoy October, Fall, and all the things that are brought to mind during this time of year.. but now I enjoy them a little more in November... after Al's birthday and before Thanksgiving, when I have a little more time to actually relax and ponder them!

And on a personal note, I am doing much better than the last time that I posted. I am feeling much less morning sickness, thank goodness! I am also feeling as though I can enjoy my pregnancy a bit more and not feel quite as much worry, now that I am solidly into my second trimester. I still have days when I think about what may have been, but truthfully, I am so busy that I don't have much time to dwell right now. I am feeling pretty much at peace with what has happened and just feel grateful to be where I am now.

Today was my son's second birthday. It was hectic and crazy, but in a good way. We had a great day and he felt like a king for the day. Everywhere we went, he told everyone he could, that it was his birthday and being the handsome and fairly charming little man that he is, people were pretty kind and gracious with him and his somewhat overly enthusiastic announcements that "IT'S MY BIRTHDAY.... I TWO.... I TWO ON MY BIRTHDAY!!"
We all went to see the Toy Story double feature in 3D... fun, but a SERIOUS commitment to watching movies! I don't feel the need to be in a theater for a long time at this point! He slept on me for the last 45 minutes or so of the second film (which I loved because he is still my baby!)
He got the dinner of his choice: Hamburgers, Tater tots, and Homemade Mac and Cheese, with Pumpkin Pie for dessert. He got to blow out his birthday wish candle and did it all by himself this year. He got to open presents and only got a little help from his bigger sister! ; ) I think he went to bed a very tired, but completely satisfied little boy! And of course that is all I want for him on any given day, so I say Mission Complete! : )

I have received two awards since my last post and as always appreciate them ... so thank you! I have good intentions of responding to them appropriately, but have been a little overwhelmed with present making, in combination with a spider costume I am trying to pull out of my brain consisting of coat hangers, fluff, black fabric, and a turtleneck... I might have more on that later if I can pull it off. I am making it up as I go.. so I'm hoping I can, since I have a very determined (almost) 4 year old expecting her mama to pull through for her... wish me luck on that! We also have a party for the both of the kids this Saturday, which is also spider themed and we have been making all different kinds of decorations and such.. also hoping to post about them... before they are obsolete... but I am only posting tonight because I am having a hard time coming down from a busy day and am up much later than is probably wise for my sanity tomorrow!! : )

and on that note....my dear good friends... thank you for your patience in my posting. I hope to have more in the near future... but I guess we'll see just how manic I get! ; )

Today I am thankful that I have been blessed with the sweetest, most beautiful boy I know. HAPPY BIRTHDAY BABY!!
I am grateful for the fall weather and changes it is bringing.
I am grateful that I have a house so full of love that it can sometimes overwhelm me... but usually in a good way! ; )

Joy, Sadness, Confusion, and Joy

Well my friends... do I have a wild and wacky week to report to you!

We'll start with Monday and work our way through to the end result here on Thursday. Buckle up because it is a bumpy ride! (alright, as always it took me a little longer to get through this post than I thought it would... so forgive me an extra day (or three)...ok? also, and this is important!! after writing this I realize that it might be way more information than some people can handle. I need to write all this out, to get it out of my head and try to heal my heart, but if you are sensitive you really might not want to read any further. please be warned! )

Monday-
I finally had my first appointment with the midwives. I had really been looking forward to this. I couldn't wait to hear the heartbeat and get some reassurances that everything was going well. We were able to have Al's mom come over so that we could both go together and not have to worry about the munchkins. We talked about lots of things with our midwife (or one of the 5 in the practice) and got reacquainted. Then the time that Al and I had really been waiting for was at hand. Time for the exam to see how big the good old uterus was... and hopefully hear the baby's heartbeat.

And we did! I can not explain to you how encouraging and beautiful of a sound it is to hear your little baby's heart beating away faster than the solid thump-thump of my own in the background. It is an amazing thing! It made both Al and I mist over and made me feel a high that I had forgotten felt so darn good!

And then it was time for some pushing and prodding. Well, ladies and gentlemen. Surprise! My uterus is big... by about 5 weeks too big. So it would be a good idea to go get a sonogram to make sure that our dates are correct(which I KNOW they are...) and to check to see if perhaps there is more than one occupant in said uterus.
YIKES!!
I went from high to crash in moments. I had really talked myself into believing that the midwife would smile and be kind, while telling me that intuition isn't all it is cracked up to be, and that I was right on time for having one healthy baby. At the same time, I also felt a little vindicated, because I have been telling my hubby from the very beginning that I thought it was twins. I was too sick, too hungry, too tired... he just smiled and said... ok honey we'll see... but he didn't believe it... not until the midwife said it was possible. Isn't that always the way? At least in my house, I can tell my hubby something and then someone that he has deemed to have "authority" can say THE EXACT SAME THING... and somehow now he believes it. sigh. But either way, I went home and made an appointment at the hospital for a sonogram on Thursday(part of going to a birthing center is the fact that they are very low tech. I happen to adore that fact... but if I need any technology, I have to go to the hospital that they work with... which I don't like so much). To me it is worth the trip to have what I actually want at the center... but I digress.

Monday night-
I go home and start freaking out!! I call girlfriends and my yoga instructor wanting somebody, anybody, everybody to tell me that it will all be ok. If I am having twins it was meant to be and I will do just fine. I was freaking out over the hardship on my still healing body, the addition of two infants in one fell swoop... going from 3 kids to FIVE. Go ahead say it out loud... to me it sounds like a BIG JUMP!! I also felt happy because I had felt from from the beginning that this was true, and as scared as I was, it was also kind of thrilling. I went to bed early, got some sleep, and woke the next day feeling MUCH better about things. I guess I just needed a little time to accept that my gut had been right and that no matter what... I would be ok. I let myself feel excited about the prospect for the first time. I only had to wait until Thursday morning to find out for sure. I could wait two more days right? : )

Tuesday-
Tuesday was a busy day. The hubby has Mondays and Tuesdays off every week so those are our super busy, get as much stuff done as possible, days. The cool thing about it is that most people have to work those days.... so any kind of paperwork/office type thing or shopping adventure we have to do is not as busy. In fact, I am probably one of the only people who doesn't like a 3 day weekend... because it messes with my ability to get more accomplished because more people are out and about and in my way! : )
So, Al and I ran around doing this and that most of the day. Then after getting the little ones down for nap, I had to go get Emily and take her to a doctor's appointment. While I was sitting in the waiting room I noticed that I had started to cramp a little. It wasn't too bad, and the day before during my exam my midwife had said I might get a little crampy and have some spotting. I thought it was a little strange that it was happening the next day... but then I needed to go talk with the doctor and got distracted by doing a few more errands since I was out without the little people.

Tuesday Night:
By the time I got home it was late. The little ones and Al were a little grumpy and no one wanted to cook. We were in discussion of calling it a pizza night, when the cramping got worse. It became bad enough that I had to stop talking for a minute. I went upstairs to pee and when I was wiping noticed that there was a spot of blood on the tissue. I looked down into the toilet and noticed a quarter sized clot sitting at the bottom. Huh, well I don't know what that means... but maybe it's just from my exam. I put on a panty liner and went back downstairs to talk about food. I told Al what happened in what I could hear myself saying in too calm of a voice... it was my mother voice... I was scared. We decided on our take out food choice and I was headed out the door, when it started. A gush of blood. I ran upstairs and sat on the toilet. The liner was thoroughly soaked. When I wiped all I saw was bright red blood. I got up, put on a big super absorbent pad and called the midwife on call. By the time she called me back only 5 minutes later. I had felt another gush of blood. I went back to the bathroom and rocked and cried. I was scared. I knew what was happening, but I wanted very badly to hear it was something else. When I stood up again the water in the toilet was all pink and swirled with red. I got up and went to lay down on the bed and wait for the call back. Al came in and checked on me. He had in the last few minutes looked up a bunch of stuff on the internet. Oh the internet. It is the source of a lot of information, but not all of it is accurate, and a lot of it can just leave you more confused... or overwhelmed with too much information. He started telling me how it wasn't what I thought... it was this... or this... or maybe this...

I was so happy when the call back came just so he would stop talking for a minute. I know that he was trying to help, but it wasn't. I talked with the midwife for about 15 minutes. She went through the list of things that could be happening. Then she started to tell me what to expect if it was the beginnings of a miscarriage. I tried to listen, but as she was talking I had two more gushes, and my tears were falling hard and fast.
This is hard to write. It still hurts so much.
I got off the phone and had to tell Al all the things that she had said. I tried to tell him all the possibilities, but I knew what it was. I tried to tell him, I was so so sorry, but he wouldn't let me. He couldn't believe it yet.

The kids were still downstairs, hungry and wondering why Mama was crying. He had to be the one to rally... feed the kids... keep things as normal as he could for them. I actually don't really know what went on for the next bit of time, or for how long. I was embroiled in my own terrible sadness and pain.

The next few hours are a blur. I was going back and forth between the bedroom, bathroom, and hallway depending on where the kids were. I was trying not to be around them... because I didn't want them to see me so upset. I continued to bleed. I spent most of the time crying. Then I lost a large amount of fluid. It wasn't bright red... it was a weird orange color. It came in two large waves and it felt like amniotic fluid to me. It drenched my pad and was very wet and hot. This is where I totally lost it. The blood had been scary, but for some reason the fluid sent me over the edge. I sat on the top of the stairs and just wailed, while I rocked myself. Poor Al tried to comfort me... but I was inconsolable. For awhile everything stopped. The kids were in bed by then so Al took me downstairs. We burned a candle and said a prayer and laid down together on the couch. After maybe an hour or so I felt another release of blood. When I went upstairs to clean up I saw it was the biggest release I had had. There was tissue in the blood that looked to me like peeled sunburned skin or something. I was done crying. I had become completely numb at that point. I didn't tell Al about it. I just couldn't and I didn't see the point in giving him more unpleasant visions.

I went back downstairs and laid with my husband and watched tv until my eyes burned. I finally turned it off about 3:30 in the morning and just lay there in the dark, listening to my husband breath deeply and staring at our candle and wondering how I could hear the beat of my baby's heart and the next day this all could have happened. I was also scared that it wasn't over because except for the first clot there hadn't been anything size able, certainly not big enough to have been an 11 week fetus. I tried not to think about what tomorrow would be like. I might have dozed off and on, but I was up and cleaning at 5 AM. I just couldn't stand laying there anymore. I waited until 7 to call the midwife on call. I called and when she called back she listened to me and then asked if I wanted to come in and listen for a heart beat.

Wednesday:
After the call back I still had a few hours before I went in to listen for a heartbeat so I fed the kids, folded some laundry... wandered the house... took a shower. Then it was time to head down to the center. I was a nervous wreck. On the drive I sporadically sobbed because I was so overwhelmed with everything that had happened. Would I hear a heart beat... had I lost both babies, one, either of them? I got there and no one else was there yet because the midwife had come in early for me, so I wouldn't have to wait to long. She called me back and asked me to tell her what had happened the night before. I gave her an abridged version... I had cramping and bleeding for about 6 hours. Can we please just get up on that table?
And so I did. My husband was home with the other kids... we didn't have anyone else to watch them and as much as I wanted him there... it just wasn't possible. He had to call off work as it was... otherwise I would have had to take them with me.... and I didn't want to have to do that!

As I lay on the table with the cold goo on my tummy listening, waiting, hearing nothing but static and my own heartbeat over and over again, the tears began to fall again. My midwife was so sweet. She held my hand and kept saying over and over.... it's ok... there's lots of places to look... don't freak out yet... I'll tell you when you can freak out... it's ok Ruth... it's ok...

and then it happened! ...the teeny tiny rat-tat-tat of my little baby hiding way in the back to the left. I don't think there has ever been a longer two and a half minutes of my life! It was so faint that she couldn't hear it well over my own... so she adjusted one more time and pow. There it was loud and strong and clear. Again my flood of tears came. My baby was ok. My baby was still alive in there -heart beating strong. The joy, relief, and amazement there like never before! I had another internal exam to check my cervix which was closed nice and tight if not spotted with some old blood from the night before. I talked with her for a few minutes about the possibilities of what happened... but until the sonogram there was no way to tell. I did find out something I didn't know before though, when a young fetus passes away it usually takes the body 3-6 weeks to realize this and expel it from the body. So that when most people miscarry in the first trimester their baby hasn't been alive for awhile... its just that because they are so small and there is not much movement felt yet, we don't realize anything has gone wrong. So if that is what happened it's possible that my baby's heart never even started to beat. It may never have been more than 6 or 7 weeks old when it passed away. I still had the appointment on Thursday and they get really busy so, I had to wait until then to find out. I called Al as soon as I started down the stairs and out the door. Crying tears of joy again, feeling more grateful than I can explain.
As I got in my car and continued to talk to him, something different began to touch me. It was grief. How could I possibly feel grief when I heard a healthy heartbeat? But what about the other baby, even if it was small and tiny, minuscule even, and never had a chance... I didn't know that. I didn't know.

The rest of the day I have to honestly say I spent mostly waiting for and wondering about the next day. I took a 4 hour nap in the middle of the day and tried to go to bed early.

Thursday:
Try as we might, every single friend and relative was unavailable, so again I headed to the hospital by myself. I had heard the heartbeat of one baby so I knew that there was one that was ok. I was anxious nonetheless. I wanted more than ever to see that all parts were in the right place and that the little one was doing well. I got to the hospital and went up to the 6th floor. The whole floor had been remodeled and was now a pediatric floor. YIKES! I got back in the elevator feeling confused and frustrated with myself. Why hadn't I asked.. now I might be late. When I looked up there was a very nice woman who asked me if I was ok(I must have looked as frazzled as I felt!). It turned out she was a doctor from another floor. She was very calm and reassuring. She knew they had moved the sonogram department but wasn't sure where...and thought it might be in a different building a few blocks away. She found an internal phone called over, found out where they were, let them know that I was in the wrong place, but that I was there, so please wait for me. After getting quick directions to where I was supposed to go, I walked as quickly as I could to get to my appointment. I had already parked in paid parking and didn't want to have to pay twice... so I just hoofed it. I got there in a few minutes and was feeling grateful that I have been walking so much! I was less than 5 minutes late... so not too bad. I didn't have to wait for very long before they called me back.
The tech was having a bad day and her negative energy was just filling the whole room. I tried to make small talk to distract her... but it was pointless, so I just sat quietly waiting. When she started the sonogram the first thing I saw was my little one floating around, moving
and kicking up a storm! Then I noticed the second distinct area which looked to me like a second placenta... but it was empty. What it turned out to be was a "small" (although it was 4 times bigger than the baby) hematoma. She barely focused on the baby at all. She took a few shots, and it moved in and out of the screen, but mostly she was just checking around. She didn't talk to me much, but when she came back from showing the Dr, who I never saw, she told me that the second area had not been a twin and that I could go home. I asked her several questions but was told to call my midwife and ask her.
Blah! This is one of the many reasons I don't want to have a hospital birth. I don't like the treatment I get there. I really appreciate being talked to like a human being.... a human being who has just been through something that was scary and fairly traumatic... not like I'm in the way for the next number who needs to be processed!
So, as soon as I got out, I called Al and told him that the baby looked good. Right on target for the dates and as healthy as they can tell at this stage. But that I was leaving with more questions than answers and I'd have to call him back. I called the midwife on call and she reminded me that I needed to come in for a Rhogam shot anyway, so we could talk then. I am Rh- and Al is positive... so I get routine shots at different stages of my pregnancy to help my body avoid producing antibodies that could kill the baby... this is especially important when there has been bleeding, and I had to get an extra one.
So, from what I explained to the midwife(they didn't have the report yet because I headed straight over after I was done) she thinks that the hematoma could have been caused by the loss of a twin. She says that there is no way to know for sure at this point and that she thinks I should trust my intuition. My sister (who is a doctor) thinks that is not the case and that the hematoma came from an emplantment issue that happened at the very beginning. I was left feeling confused. On one hand I feel so incredibly grateful that I have a healthy baby. On the other hand I'm not sure if I should be feeling the loss that I AM feeling. I have no desire to mourn something that never was, but it is very hard for me to wrap my mind around some of the things I saw and felt, if there was no loss.

I am finishing writing this out several days later now, and I have had a few more days to think about and absorb the events of last week. I am physically feeling several things that make me feel like maybe there was a twin loss. Not only was there the tissue and the fluid loss, but I woke up the next morning feeling much less pressure. It's hard to explain to anyone who hasn't been pregnant, but I just feel less pregnant than before. I don't have to pee as much. I'm not as hungry... or sick. I had thought that I was feeling flutters before all this started... I know that it was early to feel movement, but I felt them for a few days before the blood loss happened, things that were NOT gas, that really felt like movement. I haven't felt anything since Tuesday. Some of the things can be explained by a loss of pressure because I lost a lot of fluids that night. I lost 3 pounds from Tuesday to Wednesday morning. I had gained 6 pounds already, but lost 3 and am holding steady now. It is just strange because I feel sadness. I have been feeling loss, but at the same time feeling like I'm not sure what really happened. My husband wants to believe that there wasn't a twin... and maybe there wasn't. But I am having a hard time understanding how I would feel so completely different from one day to the next.
Basically, what I have decided is that regardless of how things ended up where they are now, my body has experienced a huge change. There has been a big change in the energy within my body, and whether there was an undeveloped embryo or not, I just have to let myself feel whatever my body needs to feel. I had a very sad day on Friday. I decided to let myself feel the sadness, and I am feeling much better now. Al and I burned a candle for the the loss and said whatever words we felt necessary and had some closure.
I have a healthy baby in my womb and that is the most important thing. Whatever got me to this right here, isn't as important as being here right now. I plan on continuing to let myself process and experience whatever it is that I need to, to come out on the other side, holding my newest addition in my arms many more months down the line.

This is a scan of the best shot I got from the sonogram. It is still so tiny, and doesn't look as "human" yet as it will at the 18-20 week sonogram, that is the usual scheduled one to check one the organs and functioning levels of them. BUT you can see a head profile and over the belly was a little bit of the hand that kept waving about.

Today I am grateful to have amazing midwives who supported and helped me through this entire situation!

I am SO VERY thankful to have a picture of my healthy little person growing inside of me.

I am thankful that, once again, my husband was everything I needed him to be inthe middle of a crisis, taking care of our kids and making us all feel cared for!

I am thankful, so very thankful for the children I have right now. They are the greatest gift I have ever been given, and I cherish them more than I can say!

Opinions needed, PLEASE!

I know that one of my bloggy friends has asked this question before... but I don't remember who... or what the answer was.... sooo as I am too lazy to go through everyone on my blogrolls history... I am just going to ask myself!

Do people go back and read the comment section that they have left a comment on to see if there is a response... or do you want someone to go to your blog and perhaps leave a message that isn't appropriate(or at least isn't about that particular post) on your last blog?
I know that there is a way to attach your email to your blog, so that when you leave a message on some one's comments they can just "respond" to the notification email. And just to throw my opinion in there, I am connected this way if anyone ever wants to respond to a comment I leave. I learned how to do this from a Mama's Losin It tutorial (which is actually a SITS tutorial, I guess...) BUT most of the people who comment on my blog are not connected in that way.
Ok have I thoroughly confused everyone?

The question is how would you like to get a response from a comment?

I often want to respond to people... but am not sure how to go about it... and then I end up not responding at all.... and that makes me feel bad.. or like I don't care about the comments... which is certainly not how I feel.

All of this comes from me not knowing how I should respond to comments in general, but it became very apparent to me when I wanted to thank everyone who left me kind comments on my Surprise! blog. Those comments meant the world to me because I was feeling a little overwhelmed and somewhat exposed at the time, so for now I will just say Thank You So Much from the bottom of my heart!
I can not explain how much I appreciate the friendships that I have acquired through this whole blogging thing. I know that I am nowhere near the consistent blogger that I was hoping to be when I first started this blog, but every post I do put up is straight from my heart, and I really can't describe the feeling I get from knowing that (although they are few) I do have a few really great people out there who are actually interested in the things that I might have to say!!
thanks again everyone!!
oh yeah, and don't forget to answer my question in my comment section if you wouldn't mind!! : )

Today I am grateful for the friendships that I have made through this fascinating world of blogging!

Ch-Ch-CH-Changes

Well it is nap time and my children are both actually sleeping!! Wow! I actually have a few moments of time to myself.... hard to believe!

I'm not sure if it is the season or the things going on in my life, but I have been feeling very nostalgic lately. The only constant is change. I hate change. I try not to, but I just don't enjoy it much. I like to have a rough idea of how my day is going to go... and I think that carries over into my life in general. Of course, that doesn't change the way that life is, so during times of change I have to make a concerted effort to go with the flow instead of fighting it the whole way. I'd like to say that I am getting better at it as I grow older and wiser, but I think that the opposite is true. I get nervous and fret a bit whenever something I am comfortable with needs to change. I understand that change comes from growth and that it is a necessary part of life... I just don't translate what I know, into how I feel, quite as well as I'd like to!

We have quite a few changes going on around our house right now...

Emily started school yesterday. HIGH SCHOOL!!! I was a nervous wreck all day yesterday. I know that she is ready, but I can't help but put myself in her place. As old as she thinks I am, it still feels like yesterday to me when I stop and bring up all the memories, both good and bad, from that time in my life. I got up early and drove her downtown(she will be riding the bus most mornings) to go to her first day of high school, but I forgot to take her picture! It was too early and truthfully, I was just trying not to throw up on the poor child(my morning sickness is still going strong!), but I did get a shot of her once she got home.

I think that proves to me that she is a big girl and is going to be just fine! : ) She said that things were a bit confusing, her school teaches in a different way than most. It's different than the way I went to high school, too. They have block academics in the mornings (so they have 80 minute classes, every other day to fit them all in) and then their major (hers is musical theater) in the afternoons. They have a long day. She starts at 7:40 and doesn't get out until 3:40. But it seems like she feels pretty comfortable and she is excited to get to focus so much energy on her passion.

I am glad that she is enjoying school, or is excited about the prospects anyway. I always have a week or two adjustment period to her not being around. I get really used to her being here most of the time during the summer. At times it can almost be a little too much, because whenever there is a moment when the little ones are occupied (or napping) then she wants to be with me even more, to get that one on one time. In the beginning of the summer it makes me a little crazy, but by the time she goes back to school I am used to my shadow, so when she is gone again... things just feel a little empty around here. I have to be honest though, I am thoroughly enjoying the fact that I am here at the computer and when I try to move I don't bump into her! I of course have my own changes going on right now, so it is especially welcome to have a little time to my own thoughts right now.

Every time that I have been pregnant I find it a little more difficult to perform my daily duties. It isn't just that I feel truly awful 90% of the time right now, although I do. It is what is going on in my head. I become so completely intrinsically focused when I am carrying a child. I know that it is a biological part of the process. It is important to pay attention to so many things, and the crazy hormone changes and the whole growing an entire human being thing... well they take time. They take time, and energy, and focus. They take a lot of things that I don't "have time" for on a daily basis. But it doesn't matter if I have the "time" or not because a baby has a way of making you take the time! I guess it is mother nature's way of getting the family ready for a new person to join the family, but it is something that I have a hard time with. I rarely get time to myself anyway, and now I feel like I should be spending as much quality time with my current family as I can, while I have the "time".

Ha! TIME is the key word of the day! It is such a powerful idea, time. There always enough if you make it, but there is never enough to do everything you want to do.

I was finally able to get a hold of my sister. She made the time(hee hee... sorry) to finally call me back... but only after I relentlessly harassed her answering machine AND her husband. I started calling his cell phone when I knew they were together as a family, because I had been trying to get to talk with her for over 3 weeks! She took the news very well. She got quiet for a minute and then promptly said congratulations and VERY promptly changed the subject! : ) I haven't spoken with her since... and I don't imagine that I will for awhile. But I am OK with that because I know she has her own stuff to deal with. I also have told my father, whose reaction was to ask if my sister knew and how she reacted to the news. I had waited until I HAD told her for this reason... and he's not a great secret keeper either so I didn't want it coming from him.... but he seemed pleased enough for us.

I have my first appointment with the midwives on the 14th. I can't wait to go! I am hoping to hear the heartbeat and I have completely convinced myself that it is twins... even though there is no history and I realize how unlikely it would be... and I am looking forward to being told that I am crazy and my uterus is the appropriate size for just one little nugget! I also look forward to getting a little comfort from being "seen". I forget every time, but I always remember when I am stuck in the middle of it... how unsettling the early part of pregnancy is for me. I am not a huge worrier in general, in fact, I tend to be a little overly optimistic. But in these early weeks there is so much that can go wrong, and there is very little reassurance that everything is going alright. I enjoy things much more during the second and third trimester, when you can feel your little one moving around and you have passed into the magic number of months where miscarriage is much more unlikely. I know that things still happen, but there is something to be said for being able to feel the small human growing inside of you! : )

Well, as I finished typing the last sentence I hear the calls of some bigger, little humans awaking upstairs! I hope that you all are well, and enjoying the last days of warmth (for us east coasters) while they are here! Much too soon the leaves will begin to fall and the evenings are already coming earlier... because the seasons like our lives are always changing! : )

and just because I haven't put any up in awhile...

Sophia at one of our local parks.

Roscoe giving me that charming smile! : )

Today I am thankful that all my family knows of our new addition, and is happy for us.
I am thankful that this wretched morning sickness at least makes me feel like I know that my body is doing what it needs to do to keep this baby healthy.
I am grateful to have only a little over a week before I will (hopefully) hear the heartbeat of our baby.
I am thankful that I live so close to so many beautiful trees that remind me how natural change really is!! : )

Surprise!!

I have been absent again.

I know, you are probably used to it at this point.

There is a different reason that I have been away this time though. I am on the verge of another big life change... again. And it has so taken over my thoughts and processing that I haven't been able to focus on anything else for long enough to write a cohesive post. I've tried several times... my drafts are starting to outnumber my actual posts at this point! : )

Well, what could be so life altering that I couldn't focus on anything else?

That's right... surprise!

We are having another baby!
What!?!

This was not part of my plan on what I would be doing for the next 2 years (because you know the pregnancy really takes 10 months and we all know there is nothing outside as important as whatever is going on with a newborn baby for the first year or so).

I had a few suspicions, because when I was going on my walks I got really light headed a few times. So one afternoon when I got back from a walk (the kiddos were still napping) I found an old test and went into the bathroom to take it. I really thought that it would be negative, and was taking it just to ease my mind (if I thought I actually WAS pregnant I would have waited until the next morning). My hubby happened to be home that day and was taking a bath... when I told him what I was doing, he just rolled his eyes at me, I guess he didn't think I would be either...

I am excited and happy, now. But I must admit that when I first found out, I had an adjustment period to deal with. I have known for over a month already, and honestly I am still in a little bit of shock. I am really good at knowing my own body and what is going on as far as the womanly works go... but as my midwife so lovingly reminded me, I am getting older... and things can get a little wonky around my age. Here's hoping that after my next appointment my uterus growth is on target because twins would throw me for another loop... not to mention I couldn't continue care with my beloved midwife practice because of becoming a complicated pregnancy... but that is jumping ahead to unlikely circumstances... but then again this was surprise, so...

Anyway, my initial shock gave way to a fair number of worries and a lot of tears at first. I had an explosion of different thoughts, worries, and anxiety.

Here's a few of the things that I was worried about.

Truthfully and selfishly, I was excited to be getting to focus on myself for the first time in a long time. I was doing really well with my desire to get healthier and more fit. I had reached 3/4 of the way to my first weight loss goal and had a secondary one already in mind for when I had reached my first big 100 pound milestone. I was excited to be occasionally putting my needs before the needs of others, every single second of the day. It's felt good. I wasn't all stoked on giving that up right away.

For the first time in my life (even when I found out about Emily) I wasn't immediately thrilled. I had never felt that way before and it made me feel terrible. I cried and cried. I wasn't crying about having another baby, but about not feeling super excited from the second I found out. My poor husband was amazing. He was so supportive and listened to me rattle off all the reasons that this just wasn't the right time (there are some more complicated explanations forthcoming) and he just smiled and hugged me and looked me in my eyes and told me how happy he was and how much he loved me. He told me that I was the best Mama he has ever known and that this baby was going to be lucky to have me. And he gently reminded me that contrary to my assertion on certain days... I'm not actually controlling the universe. Oh yeah. I forgot that for a moment. I don't know what I would have done if he had reacted any other way. Reason # 239 to keep him around a little longer! ; )

I called our family therapist the next day and made an appointment with her that week. I talked with her about all of the things that were bothering me. I talked about my selfish thoughts(reasonably selfish, but selfish nonetheless). I talked about how I was worried that this wouldn't be good for me and Al's relationship. And the hardest thing of all, my GUILT. My sister's daughter just turned four and they have been trying to get pregnant since she turned one. I also have had several friends miscarry in the last 6 months. And one of them very recently, and she's not doing well. I just feel bad about how easy it is for me and Al to conceive together. My sister is going to have a really hard time with this news. I still haven't told her. I have tried to call her, but she has been busy and hasn't been returning my calls. I can't email her something like this. When our mutual friend got pregnant the first month they tried, my sister was so upset. She confided in me how unfair it was and how angry she was... and then our friend lost the baby, and of course my sister feels terribly guilty about her feelings... it just is a bit of a mess. I honestly would have talked with her before we started trying, if this had been a planned thing, and she knows that. It somehow feels a little more cruel that she will know that not only did it happen again for us, but that we weren't even trying.

meh- it kind of stinks.

The truth is that I am afraid of losing my sister for the next year or so because of this, and it makes me sad. And just for a little background, when she got pregnant with her daughter, we also got pregnant about 3 months later. My sister hardly talked to me for my entire pregnancy. I guess she thought we were trying to steal her thunder or something? I don't know, we never talked about it because I was just so happy to be on speaking terms with her again, but it did hurt me a lot, because of course that wasn't the point. We were just ready to start growing our family too. We actually had been casually trying for a few months when she got pregnant.

sigh... I wish that it didn't have to be so complicated. I wish that I knew that she would be happy for us, but the truth is, I don't think that she will be, and that does make me sad. What it boils down to though, which my therapist did her best to help me understand(I'm almost there... I am sure that once I actually am able to tell her my anxiety over the situation will lesson tremendously) is that whatever issues my sister might have to deal with really has nothing to do with me. She has her own issues and they are hers to deal with. I can't make her pregnant and I can't make her accept that she might not have another baby. I have absolutely no control over her situation. It is not mine to fix or solve. I have to let her deal with this news however she is going to deal with it. I can hope for the best, as I always do, and that is about the extent of what I can do. The same goes for my grieving friends. They will all have their own reactions, and hopefully when they have dealt with them, they will come to be happy for us and our new blessing. After all 9 months is a long time to come to acceptance!

On a much more positive note, I told my mother the other night and she was actually really happy for us! For most of you that might be a given, but she has never really been too happy before, so I was convinced she would be negative about it... but she wasn't! Yay! So there is always hope!

My oldest daughter cried, but now is doing pretty well with the information. I'm sure that with her starting high school and being a teenager the last thing she wants is more competition for time and attention, but she is great with her other siblings and I'm sure she will do well with it, after a little acceptance period of her own. It is still so early that we haven't done any explaining to the little ones yet. I have hardly told anyone yet actually, for fear of someone saying something and my sister hearing it from somewhere other than me. Also, of course, you are supposed to wait until after 12 weeks, but I feel like I might explode if I try and keep this in another month longer! Now that I am excited about it, I find myself saying things to random strangers I am talking with at the store or at the dentist's office. It is exciting news for most people and it has felt good to get to share without worrying about it somehow being hurtful! My MIL (for all of her faults, thinks I'm a good mom and adores our kids) was so excited she almost caused an accident while Al was driving, which was also a nice reaction... sort of! : )

My family doesn't read this, but now I am worried about posting it. Maybe I should make sure that she knows from my lips first just in case... well it felt good to purge it, but I really did want to share my exciting news with everyone here.

Well, if this has an addendum you will understand why now.
And for now, I wish you all happiness and peace. Good night!

***Addendum***
Ok, so I actually wrote this about a week ago now, and have tried calling my sister SO MANY TIMES!!!! I am getting frustrated with it because I want it off my chest, already!! She has not called me back, but left me notes on facebook saying she'll call soon... grrr. Anyway, I know she really has been super busy, her in laws have been here for the last month and they stay with her, much to her dismay, they make her crazy! They just left Friday, so now that they are gone, I'm sure I will be able to reach her soon! I have, in the last week, really decided that no matter what her reaction might be, it will be ok. I am doing my best to not worry quite so much about how other people might react to my news and just stopped and connected with myself and my new little person. It amazes me every time how much love you can feel for such a small thing that you have never met. But I already feel so much and know that regardless of what my own plans had been. This is what I am supposed to be doing right now. I do hope that I get ahold of my sister soon, and that she will be happy for us, but either way I am so excited about heading down this familiar path once again! : )

Today I am thankful that I have been blessed with the gift of being a vessel for another beautiful soul. I can't wait to meet you. I love you so much already!
I am thankful that I have such an amazing husband, and that he is such a great dad!
I am thankful that I am the healthiest I have been in the beginning of a pregnancy and hope that it helps me to have a healthy pregnancy!

The Mouse in my Pocket

I have been wanting to do a post on the hiking that I have been doing for a few months now. I have a bit of insomnia tonight... so instead of laying in bed not sleeping, I decided to catch up on my blogging! (ok putting up pictures takes me a really long time because of the stupid space thing that happens... but I don't do html so I don't have other options... hence two days later finally getting this post up! hey, I'm trying!)

I have so many good ideas for blogs, so I reached into my brain bag and thought it should be about my hikes in the local park. When I walk up to the park near my house I lose myself in the solitude, yet connectedness of nature. So I thought that I would give you a view, as though you were a mouse in my pocket! : )

The main reason I started walking this park was for the exercise, but very soon I realized that one of the things that had been missing in my everyday life was connecting with nature. I have always had a strong connection to our earth. Being surrounded by nature has always made me feel more peaceful. While I am there to work up a sweat, I cannot describe to you how amazing and beautiful I think my surroundings are. I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE the city that I live in. It is, in my heart, my home, which is something that I have been searching for my whole life. I was an army brat... which for those of you who don't know, means that I moved every year or less for the majority of my childhood. It sucked. I hated it A LOT! Some people do fine with all that change, but I am a person who feels contentment with having a friendly and familiar environment. The way that I grew up makes my feeling of "home" here, that much more significant to me.

Anyway, every time I take my walks I see all this beautiful scenery and think to myself "I should bring my camera and take pictures of my view along the way." So, I finally did the other day. It turned out I didn't get quite as many good shots as I thought, at first, because I couldn't slow down enough to get a good one... but since I often do a few "laps" around my course, I put in a good hike and then did another round and took some pictures. Unfortunately, it has become the land of gray and rain around here lately, so the pictures are not as beautiful as I'd like... but if I wait for perfection you'll never get to see the post... so here we go! : )

I am about to put up a gillion pictures, so prepare yourself emotionally!

This was where I started taking pictures. I was already past the regal park entrance, and all the beautiful flowers, and the fountain... but that is a whole other post... : )

This hill leads down to some of the stairs I hit on my walk. And there are lots of stairs on this route!

Looking back up the same hill, we just jogged down.

One of the many waterfalls that help keep the water flow(from all the darn rain!) headed towards the right direction.

Some stairs heading up the hill towards the reservoir.

The path heading up. It is a little sad because I'm not sure how much of the raw beauty is coming through my cruddy pictures... I hope there is a least a glimmer.

ok, I know this one is dark, it was a gray day and it actually rained a little during my hike... but wait for it... it's worth it! ; )

almost there now...

ahhhh!

The sound of running water is so refreshing, when you are starting to get tired and ready to be done working hard. For me, it gives me enough of a push to head up towards some MORE stairs!! : )

Over the little wishing bridge... and yes, I make a wish every time! ; )... and up another set of stairs which I go up and then back down, and then past everything we just saw, towards a different turn off of the path.

Down another set of stairs(I don't know why I didn't take one of them, because they are cool looking...) and we hit another set of stairs ! : ) I like this one because it has two sides on the bottom section and I get to go down one and up the other. Hey, give the hot, tired girl a break something has to keep me going! : )

Just a pretty little nook. These little things, honestly, give me endless pleasure while I am out releasing my endorphins! : )

the bottom of another set of stairs, along the path that leads down to the pond. I couldn't take a downward shot because there were a bunch of kids down on the dock(?, would you call that a dock in a pond...) and I felt creepy taking random strangers' pictures!

So, one of the many reasons I would think about bringing along my camera was this weed. That's right!! This is the biggest, coolest weed I have ever seen! It is easily a foot taller than me, and the top is covered by tiny yellow flowers. I just think that is neat! : ) I know I AM easily amused, but at least I live my life with lots of laughter!; )

This is one of my most disappointing photos for me, because I couldn't capture the feeling that I get when I look at it. On the right, the green is actually thousands of wild flowers that you can't see very well, and to me it looks like the entrance way to a magical fairy kingdom. My kids love this area too... but we don't go that often because it is over 100 stairs up to the top.. and they don't love taking the stairs even half as much as I do... and I don't end up feeling very patient about it. It's hard to take over 30 minutes doing something you do by yourself in about 6! : )

Another portion of the stairs up from the entrance way.

Not all of the stairs are grouped together, some of them are grouped in 2's, others in 10, all with some amount of hill in between.

This is the path up from the last set of stairs, on that big 'ol hill.

Walking over the top of where I just came from... walking the path that follows the road around the reservoir.

This is looking straight ahead instead of down, and actually heading right back to where the pictures started... there is a lot of overlapping ground in my routine because there are several different ways up and down the hill... which is awesome because the more stairs and climbing the better! : )

Most of the time after I have finished my hike in the woody area, I will go up and walk around the reservoir, which is a 1 mile track. After the hike it feels really good to be on flat land and I can really fly around it in pretty good time. I have experimented and I walk almost 4 minutes faster a mile AFTER a hike. I guess I get really pumped with all the stairs and the flat feels SO much easier! : )

This is a picture of another set of stairs that I will add to the the reservoir walk if I am feeling spunky. It ends up being about 75% of the time, but sometimes I am just too tuckered out!

This set of stairs is what first got me started on my somewhat of a stair obsession! It leads up from the outer path/road, up to the track. I only hit the bottom 30 or so steps once...

but once I get to the Y in the steps, I go up one side and down another, as many times as I can in a row. It's 35 steps each side. The first time I did it, I went 3 times and felt like I might just die! Now I do 10! Although around 9 and 10 I will often grunt out loud because it really works my thighs, no cheating and using hands! I have been known to startle a few fellow walkers! : ) It is kind of embarrassing, because they don't know I've just done 9 laps... but it's ok.. I know, so I think it's kind of funny. Especially when people look scandalized... because I'm a jerk like that! : )

Ok, the reason for this shot is a cool view from above, but also a funny story.

The young women at the bottom(that you can hardly see) were there with their trainer, doing whatever they were doing... and they noticed me going around in circles. So the trainer sends up one of the young ladies to do what I am doing.

Well, even though I am getting stronger and more fit, I'm still overweight and fair-skinned and when I work out my face gets very red. This does not mean I'm not a bad ass... but lots of people make that false assumption. In fact, another reason I stopped just doing the track was the number of negative comments I got from other people there. The woody area is a much nicer place for me... but I digress..

So young chippy comes up and goes around once and goes back down. I keep going. I actually felt pretty uncomfortable because I could feel people watching me and usually don't have strangers just blatantly staring at me while I am grunting around the darn stairs, BUT, I can't let other people ruin my groove... so I kept going. Then after another couple laps, the trainer sends the girl up again. She went faster this time, but still did one lap and then went back down. Then the trainer sends both the girls up at the same time. The one that hadn't done it before, did more than one lap, but the first one did just one again. Although we were headed in different directions we both just happened to hit the Y at the same time, and as I was finished with my laps, we both end up going down together. I can't help it, I am competitive by nature... so I left her in the dust. As I was jogging by the trainer at the bottom, I heard him start talking to the girl saying how she should have been much faster than me... why was I up on my toes when she wasn't... blah, blah, blah... how's she gonna let some fat lady beat her down the stairs. Although it was a backhanded compliment with the whole fat lady comment... I took it as a HA! instead. It made me feel like I really am a bad ass, and just because I'm not young and thin doesn't mean that I am not a rock star. I'll reach my goals eventually and I am doing it the right way by becoming physically as strong as I have always been mentally.

I'm in a better place than I have been in a very long time, and I gotta tell ya, it feels SOOOO good!! Thanks for bearing with me on my self-indulgent journey around the park! I hope that you enjoyed the beauty, and I hope that it inspires you to go out and find a little nature of your own to rock out in!! : ) I know that I am rarely here right now, but with summer starting to come to an end, I feel like I have to be out and about as much and as often as I can be because all too soon the leaves will be falling and the snow and coldy-cold weather soon to follow that. I have to take advantage of this beautiful time of year while it is here! Most days I am lucky enough to go to the park with the kids in the morning and by myself after Al gets home from work. I probably spend 4-5 hours there on those days, about 4-5 days a week! : )

I hope that all of you are doing well, in your own little worlds! I am sending out light and love and happiness to you all!

Today I am thankful to have such an abundance of beauty all around me!

I am grateful that my hubby is so supportive of me being gone for 1 1/2-2 hours a day, when he doesn't work late!

I am grateful that the city I live in thinks that the park is as important as I do. I don't know what I would do without it!! :)

Home is where the heart is!

Wow!
I had a great trip!

I don't think I could have a had a better time! I had time to myself, to think. I had time to exercise whenever I wanted to.. that was awesome! I saw my grandparents... what a gift... I wish I had had more time with them! I got to see some old friends. I got to spend time with just Emily, which is rare so very much enjoyed, since we were such a team for such a long time. I had two LONG travel days so it was SOOOO short! it was only 3 days without travel and that is not alot of time when you haven't been somewhere in 5 years!! I truly enojoyed this break from my everyday life! It put a few things into perspective which I may have been feeling a little skewed in my head lately.

This last week that I have been home I have been playing catch up.

My husband did an amazing job with the kids! In fact, I was hoping he would be happy to go back to work and get away, giving me all kinds of accolades on the difficult job I do everyday... but he wishes he could be a Mr. mom I think. I was very proud and touched by how well he did while I was away. The house condition was surface lovely and kind of crazy underneath the piles, but the most important thing was that the kids were happy.... and they were.

Go Dad!! : )

I found out a number of things about myself while I was away. I found out that if left to my own devices and no time restraints or babies underfoot, I will exercise like a crazy woman... just because I can! I woke up at 6 every morning and went for the most incredible walks in the desert. I saw all kinds of desert life and even saw a lizard caught by a bird of prey about 7 yards away. It was fascinating... a little scary.. and definitely awe-inspiring! I also got to go swimming every single day, often twice, because my mom has a pool. I didn't know how much exercise AND relaxation you could get from a pool! I found out that I really love being around my kids everyday(which I already knew... but that fact was reinforced!). At first it was very hard. I cried myself to sleep the first night because I missed my babies so much. I also realized that my day to day can be a little overwhelming at times, and I need to investigate ways to proactively change that. It took me a few days to miss my man. We are having a difficult period of growth right now that is a little painful. I have faith that at the other side is a better and more fullfilling relationship for both of us... but right this second, it is a little straining. We have an amazing amount of love for each other, but we have a few bad habits that we are working on. That being said, while I was away I did nothing but talk all kinds of nice on him, I think. I met up with a ex..whatever... and the truth is I was hoping for a little innocent flirtation... instead I ended up annoying him with talking about how great my hubby is... and truthfully feeling at the time... ok, Ruth, that's one more what-if crossed of my list! I love my husband more than I can explain, but at times I fanatsize about a slightly easier life. At this point this is the longest relationship I have every maintained... and sometimes I wonder if every choice I made has been the right one... but, I guess my truth is that I wouldn't want to be anywhere else... with anyone else... doing anything else. I love my life and my family and as flawed as we are.... we love each other. We want the best for each other and work as hard as we can to make our lives what we want them to be. I don't think you could ask for anything more than that! : )

ok maybe I could ask for the winning lottery numbers, but as far as the really important things... we've got our bases covered! : )

Sadly for me, there was a slight memory card snafoo, so I don't have any pictures of my vacation, until Emily comes home and brings them to me. But, what I do have are some shots that my hubby took for me, while I was missing my kids.

...and also a few shots from the garden. Involving the same memory card issue, I don't have a lot of new shots from the garden, but hopefully tomorrow I will be able to get some... I think I've fixed the problem at this point.(ok I am not adding the photos, but promise to be on soon to update on the beautiful garden that has been developing this season!!)

For now enjoy a few happy moments in the last 2 weeks! : )




Al had never uploaded a picture, so I showed him how right before I left. This is my idea of a test shot... charming woman really I am.... : )













The kids at the Science Center while I was away.





Al and the kids in the awesome hanging castle we got last christmas that my hubby finally hung up while I was away! : )










Sophia with a new outfit my grammie made for the bear my sister made for the girls.







Roscoe flirting with himself in the mirror. He is NOT supposed to be up on that basket.. but he can't see otherwise, so I look away! : ) That is his favortie hat of the moment! I love mirror shots!




Today I am grateful for the loving family I have and the fullfillment I receive from them everyday!
I am thankful that I got to have a little get-away to relax and remind myself what my important things are!
I am grateful that I got to see how strong I have become, even if I don't always have the time to show myself here at home!!