A Quickie!

I am feeling much better!
I went to the doctor and got drained... literally, with a comically large needle... well, not the actual needle just the plunger part... it was gross... BUT I feel tons better and now I shouldn't ever have to see my stinky doc again. I wanted to write a big long thing about it... and still might at some point, but right now it is too negative of a thought... and now that it is over (we hope)...
I am moving right along. quickly.

I have mentioned my plummeting body image with this whole situation and I have started actively doing something about it.
I have a plan.
It involves paying very close attention to what I am putting in my body(at least until I break a few bad habits, like eating late at night)... I had stopped being as diligent over the past year or so.... and I no longer have that excuse. I didn't realize that I was using it... until the reason was gone. I also didn't realize how much I had given up on myself in this last period of time. The fact is that even the simplest things would hurt me... so I just stopped movin and groovin...
well, I'm ready to dance, again!

I am using an online source, SparkPeople, to track my food and be realistic about my caloric intakeand calories burned. It has a lot of good resources and message boards for support and so forth. I am still nursing, but he is 18 months old and it is not his only nutrition. I am in the process of don't ask/don't refuse.... meh... we'll see how it goes...
anyway... I want to get outside again and go to the park now that it is getting nice here finally. I maintained my weight throughout the last year, even lost some, but my body got so soft(and aged a lot!) from the lack of exercise. I was so much healthier last spring/summer because we went to the park everyday...and I wore Roscoe and ran around with Sophia.
I'm ready to go and play again.

Of course I'm not ready for that yet physically... but I will be soon. I am doing super light weights and slow and easy stretches. I know my body well enough to know when to stop. I forced info from my fabulous doc and now know that I can push the fluid back inside and not hurt myself...
{short story, I have a cap where the hernia used to go, it fills with fluid when I over do it... but if I relax I can get the fluid back in, like I used to with the actual hernia...as long as I'm gentle and calm. This cap will take anywhere from 6 weeks to 6 months to heal... depending.. but at least now I know what it is and how to deal with it!}

I know that some of you are also stay at home moms... how do you find time to exercise? I want to be able to walk at first, to warm my body up (it's been fairly dormant!)...and work up to walking with some actual speed... and the only alone time I get is at 1 and 2 in the morning... not exactly a good time for walking the ghetto! : )
Any suggestions are welcome.. although I can say now that a gym is not financially possible (not to mention when I would go...).. I just need some good ideas of how to carve out some time for myself. It sounds good ( and is necessary), but I'm not sure how I can actually pull it off.

ok, just wanted to pop in and say hi! I'm here... I have a few different posts partially done.. a few recipes, and a project for my other blog. I'll get them up soon, but my Dad is coming to town this weekend so it might be a week or so still. Thanks for coming around when I can get here! : )

Today I am thankful that I have somehow flipped my positive switch back on....and it seems fairly stable in the happy position... ya! : )

I am grateful that my Dad will be here this weekend. His visits can sometimes stress me out.. but more in a good way than bad! I wish he could come more often!

My First(and third) Tattoo

A bloggy friend of mine over at Tattoos and Teething Rings just recently had a post about tattoos... imagine that with the name of her blog right? : )... and seeing that I have been wanting to post some of mine and their stories, AND seeing that I am planning on getting one as soon as I can stand to sit the way I would need to, to get it... and I guess after my body has healed from its most recent trauma... not to mention I have been cloistered to protect an unfortunate tweak in the belly the other night.... well, I guess now is as good a time as any, to tell the story.

I got my first tattoo was when I was just a kid really, 16. I think that we were supposed to be in school... but we were hanging out at a friends trailer.(Have I mentioned that I was pretty naughty? I hope my daughter doesn't try even half the crap, I managed to pull off.) This friend happened to be a boy who had just made himself a tattoo gun. It was like a jail gun, I would guess. It was made with the plastic outside of a Bic pen, a guitar string, and a motor that was attached with electrical tape. Just thinking about that day makes me smile. Those were the days(sort of)... no responsibilities to speak of, convinced of my own greatness or at least the ability to see through all the bullshit that everyone else filled their lives with... and shunning most of it, dramatically, but of course. At the time, I thought I knew EVERYTHING. Now, of course, I can easily see how I knew nothing at all... and I can't believe my mom was able to deal with my cynical, smart ass self.... although, I guess the truth is, she didn't deal with me well at all... but maybe now I can see why it is that she didn't.

It's not that I didn't know anything... actually most of the things I thought back then, I still have as some sort of base of my beliefs today.... it's just the arrogance of the age. I see it now in my own daughter... and sometimes catch myself smiling in spite of myself, when I am supposed to be reacting... quite shocked, or dismayed...or angry.... but really what I'm thinking is how much she sounds like me at that age and hoping that she makes it through this period with a little less drama than I did. She is my daughter, so it doesn't bode well for her. Although having someone around to openly mock your self important indignation might make all the difference... I guess we'll have to wait and see on that one. ; )

But I digress. Back to the tat.
Pat(the young man with the gun) had been using himself as a drawing board and was itching to get to some fresh meat. Most of the people that I hung out with were guys. Less drama (ha ha, not really just different kinds) and I think that most of them had gotten at least a small one already.... soooo

Pat: Hey Ruth, want to get a tattoo?
Me: sure
Pat - BIG SMILE(so cute...honestly still probably one of the coolest guys I know!): really?!?
Me: ok
Pat: well what do you want?
Me: I don't know... how about a lizard... here on my chest. I wore a lot of v neck t-shirts... it seemed logical.... and easy. That was the extent of my thought processing at the time.

Forgive the quality of the following picture this was from pre-digital days... remember this days?

...no 300 shots til you got it right.. just one and you hoped for the best, back then! : )

I lived to regret that tat for years. It was just so choppy(not his fault,he actually went over it a few times trying to make it look a little better, just the equipment, ya know?) and it wasn't in a great place for my body... just where it had been convenient to pull down my shirt a little and not get nakey in front of all the guys. Well, not regret... I guess... I didn't spend all my time fretting over it... honestly, I didn't think about it too much at all, but I didn't show it off either. I was not really confident in my own skin, so I didn't show much of it... and most people didn't see it often, including myself.
Fast Forward about 5 years. During that time I have graduated from high school, moved out on my own, gone to/graduated from beauty school, had a complete nervous breakdown, run away, come back pregnant, and settled down into the life of a young single working mom.

After Emily was born and my savings were gone(about 3 months) I got a job at a daycare. It was a YMCA in downtown. It just so happened that this daycare employed several people from my previous life. I didn't know it when I started there... but once I was there, I was re-introduced to my old lifestyle (strong local music scene) and a number of old acquaintances, who became great friends. I slowly got in contact with folks that hadn't been intimately involved in my freak out... and so weren't angry with me... just curious what had happened. Through all of this, I ended up reconnecting with my old friend, Pat. Only now Pat was working at a real shop, with good equipment... and long story short (sort of right?)... he offered to fix my tattoo for free. Which was amazing because he later told me that if he had been charging it would have been about $300, which at that time (heck still now, but much more so then) was an incredible amount of money!

What I ended up with was the most beautiful tattoo that I could imagine. This shot shows how happy I was at the end... not only because it was pretty, but because I was glad it was done... it took over three hours and I was ready for it to be finished by that time! : ) He redefined the old lizard, and added on another bigger and nicer one... added color to the old one and a lot of distracting and pretty lines, curves, and bubbles. I let him have complete artistic license and he did an amazing job! Pat still tattoos for a living and now owns his own shop, Burly Fish Tattoo, and from what I gather is doing VERY well. He has gone all over Europe through tattoo conventions and has great adventures doing the thing that he loves. How cool is that right? I haven't actually seen Pat since we both attended a mutual friend's wedding in Vegas back in 2001/2?(I can't believe I don't remember! Bad Mama... it's the children... they have filled my brain with so many other important things...like when they last pooped and whether the texture was right... eek!) But I am sure that if were to run into each other it would be a very pleasant reunion. : )

So, that is the story of my first and third tattoo. Kind of fun remembering the details. When you have tattoos you end up not thinking about them that much... because you see them every day. They just end up fading into the background. Well, at least for me anyway.
Hope you enjoyed that little jaunt down my memory lane. I will do another post on the others soon... or hopefully before the post about the newest edition! : )

Today I am grateful that I have met so many fascinating and talented people on this journey of mine.

I am thankful that my ink still looks good after all these years. I still get compliments on that piece! THANKS, Pat!! : )

riding the belly roller coaster

Welcome to my crazy. I am on a roller coaster ride of ups and downs with this stinking belly of mine. Wanna ride with me for a few minutes?

the last time I came on I was feeling SOOO much better. It was a great day, and I felt like I was back...really back... I even foolishly told my husband...yes, the Mama is back!

Sadly that same night, I fell asleep after reading to Sophia on the floor next to her bed and at some point in sleep twisted my legs around in a normal for me way... but when my hubby fetched me... at 2:30 in the morning(he fell asleep putting the boy child down!)... I was hurting again. I felt better than my insides were quite yet, I guess.
So, I have been trying to take it easier again, but I am feeling pretty down on myself. I know that this whole process wouldn't have been half as bad without all this extra weight I am carrying around.

I realized last night that I have been in denial about it for the last year and now it has really hit me... like a ton of bricks. no pun intended...

The only thing that I can do is accept that this is where I am right now, and move on from here... but I am finding it hard to do so. The thing is that I eat pretty well most of the time... I just haven't gotten enough exercise... for over year! Every time that I would do anything I ended up having to put my hernia back in (seriously it was up to 20 or more times a day towards the end) and if I ignored it and overdid it, I would have trouble getting it to stay in for days. So this darn thing has put me into a lazy pattern... and I am afraid that it is going to be hard to change.

I have always had issues with my weight. The only time that I have been really happy with it, (I was still overweight according to charts, but as far as I thought I looked really good... and more importantly felt good too!) I was walking 4-5 miles every single day. I would get off the bus in a different neighborhood than I lived and walk (at a pretty good pace), with Emily, through the woods to my house, plus working as a daycare teacher during the day and a waitress at night(you know how hard you work running for people!)... plus going to school nights and days in between everything else... the point is that I have to REALLY work HARD at not being a fattie.
I am in a place right now where I am ready and inspired to get moving... but I can't even pick my kids toys up off the floor without a good amount of discomfort...

which brings up a much lighter topic of my amazing Mama TOES. I have the ability to pick up the most amazing amount of stuff with my toes... can you all do that? Does it just happen when you become a Mama? Sophia always tries to do it.. but can't yet because her feet are so tiny.. but right now the only way for me to clean up the inordinate amount of mess that my kids make is to use my super mama toes to pick stuff up... hee hee it's kind of funny to watch I think! : )

anyhow...
my goodness, the ups and downs of this thing has had way more ramifications than I ever realized it would. I just wasn't prepared for it to rock my sense of self like it has.
I had to stop doing pretty much everything again for the last few days because whatever the heck I did to my belly that night twisting my legs has really mucked things up, again.
sigh.

I also have a bit of worry about this possible hematoma(sp?) too. When I first discovered it and spoke to my doctor (not the surgeon) and then the surgeon's nurse, I had felt relieved that it was probably "normal". Since that day I have been able to investigate a little more... part of the problem with this thing is that it had been so sore that I haven't really felt around much.. it was just too painful... but as things settle into where they will stay(maybe) I have been able to touch the belly more. Well, this thing has not even come close to going down in size but is now a good 2 1/2 or 3 inches long now. It isn't a rubber bouncy ball size, but more like a long protrusion, incredibly similar to what my hernia felt like, but harder. It doesn't hurt like it did when I had to go to the ER, but it is almost as big...not quite... but a good few inches. Yet another reason to feel awesome about my weight... if I didn't have so much belly yuck, it would be a heck of a lot easier to "see" what was going on...
man, my frustration level is so high...

yesterday I went from feeling amazing { I took my first bath because from the outside things are looking pretty healed up now, and I could soak like I've been wanting to do. It was a great bath, we all know how I LOVE me some bath time! I toned, did some amazing visualization, and FINALLY got off some particularly stubborn tape yuck that was in an area that had been way too sore to scrub, but after soaking it came off...} to feeling frustrated with not really knowing what this thing in my belly is...and frustrated with my backwards movement as far as comfort and activity level goes.

I'm sick of this ride at this point. I want to get off now. My family(especially my hubby) is ready for me to be back... not only to get to work (let's just admit cleaning is no fun for anyone and he's ready to go back to his usual responsibilities as far as home care.... pretty much nothing) but also for me to be light and joyous...laughing instead of crying.... and enjoying taking care of the kids and not just biting my lip to get to bedtime.

I thrive on the joy I usually feel from taking care of others, but right now I don't care and I don't want to do anything. I know that it hasn't been that long yet... but it doesn't help that the bruises are all but gone and incisions are looking (from the outside) healed up... but the insides feel awful still. I feel like my family thinks that I am being a baby and that I am exaggerating the pain that I am feeling. It could just be paranoia, my head IS all over the place.. but it feels real to me.
I'm sick of feeling this way myself, I can't imagine it is any easier for my loved ones to deal with when they don't feel or even see what the heck I'm complaining about. I'm sick of my crappy attitude about everything... and I just can't seem to shake this funk.
I know what I need to do... I just can't seem to do it.

On a completely non-pathetic, whiny note... yesterday while I was sequestered in my room, while the kids and Dad worked in the yard, getting ready for spring planting (probably another reason I'm sour... I can't do any prep work for my garden...something that brings me unbelievable amounts of stress relief, joy, and grounding....) I wrote a fun post about getting my first tattoo. I will be posting it as soon as my eldest kid let's me borrow her flash drive(I wrote it on the laptop in bed). It is a fun story and did it's job of distracting me from myself yesterday.

So, I guess that's the end of my pity party post today.... I promise that soon I will be fun again... I am fun right? ...most of the time? I will stop being so incredibly self-absorbed, complainy(is that a real word?), and boring... soon... I promise
hopefully much sooner than later.
and no one looks forward to that more than me!
until then:


Today I am grateful that I have super Mama toes, so that I can go clean up after my slovenly children.
I am thankful, that no matter how it feels right this second... this WILL NOT last forever... say it with me... everything is temporary... everything is temporary...
I am thankful that it looks to be a beautiful day outside and all my tulips are in bloom, as of today! : )

A brand new day!

So an amazing thing happened last night, after the whirlwind in my manic 2 in the morning head finally made it out onto the screen...
RELEASE!!
I woke up this morning feeling SO. MUCH.BETTER!!!
I can't even tell you how much better I feel.
Maybe it is because, physically I feel better than I yet have.
Most certainly it feels good to know that my bump is something pretty common, and not that something went wrong.
Maybe it's because I finally actually like my haircut(thank goodness or I was going to be a cue ball!)
Maybe it is because everyone else is out of my house(except for the little ones) and today is the first day that I get to get things started back to "normal" around here.
Maybe it is because I went grocery shopping yesterday by myself and although it was uncomfortable.. it was totally do-able.
Maybe it is the 247 smiles and hugs I have gotten from the sweetest cutest little boy I know(I know I'm biased)... he's missed his mama!!
A few fun and positive things that I neglected to mention in my vomit post yesterday.
The hospital that I stayed was awesome.
The nurses were competent AND kind. I felt very well cared for there.
I made my husband and my eldest awards about a week in(actually the same day that me & the hubby fought- before we fought..but he hadn't noticed yet...) thanking them for doing such a great job taking on extra responsibility... and they are pretty darn cute! and well appreciated(once noticed : P )
We had a great time dying eggs this year, while we attained a few new stains on our beat up coffee table(the stuff soaked through 5 layers of newspaper...) and on the hands of the little ones for days... but we laughed a lot... and that of course is the best medicine!
My post last night was necessary.. I had a lot of frustration built up over a two week period.. but releasing last night helped me feel like I turned a corner in this thing.
I LOVE MY BLOG!!!
I am feeling stronger and looking forward to getting stronger and stronger as the days pass.
I did a lot of visualizing while stuck in bed. I toned and visualized beautiful white light emanating from all the incisions until the room was filled with twisting beautiful rays of healing energy. I think it helped A LOT!! It probably didn't hurt that I was off my rocker on pain meds.. because if I could have taken a picture of what I could see it was amazing and one of the most beautiful visualizations I have done in a good amount of time.
The time that I spent alone(which was a lot) to try and rest and heal was a good time to think about where I am and where I want to be.
I have some new ideas of how to proactively better my life, and therefor the lives of my family... and all of these are great things!
I read 4 books. I honestly haven't read that many books in the last year... I usually don't feel like I have the time.. but one of the many lessons I am taking from this experience is that I need to carve out a little more time for myself. it will surely benefit everyone.
A happier mama will trickle down to a happier family.
I am looking into getting into a yoga class for myself. I won't be able to do it for a little while, but as of yesterday I am doing a short mellow(oh so mellow) practice every morning and every night. if I can keep this up..I KNOW that I will be more content on so many levels. I have already asked the MIL is she could come over once a week and hang with the munchkins so I can have a few hours to go to a class. All I had to do was ask...I should do it more often! (another lesson learned through this process... no one is an island. not even a control freak Mama!!) : )
Things are looking up for sure!
so thanks for letting me vent... and here's hoping that this optimism sticks around!

If I had been blogging over the last two weeks you would have been able to chart how up and down I have been.. but today is the first day I woke up feeling like... ok, here we go..let's make it a great day. that is much more my normal mental state... and I've missed it!
I'm ready for it to be easier to maintain... and if this morning is any indication... WooHoo!
ok .
make it a great day everyone!

Today I am thankful that I feel more content today.
I am thankful for my body's ability to heal(albeit slower than I'd like..it's still working pretty darn hard for me!!)
I am grateful that I feel such a sense of release from letting out all the hard things I didn't want to be feeling.... yay for letting go!

2 weeks ago

2 weeks ago I went in for surgery.

I haven't been on since then, and I find myself overwhelmed with where to start.
This thing has rocked my world and sent it spinning and I don't like where it's ended up so far. I think that my head has far too many thoughts to write a cognizant post. I guess that it will have to be a bit of a random vomit session.

You have been warned.
***EDITED - ok after reading this wow... truly prepare yourself emotionally for a long winded post! I shouldn't have been gone so long!!***

This entire process has taken me into a whole new place, and quite frankly I have been really struggling with the repercussions.
It has put me in my head(with days and days of medicated fog), it has racked me with the most intense pain I have ever known(and I had my last two babies completely naturally). I like to think of myself as someone who can handle physical discomfort in general. I know lots of people say this and are wrong, but I think that I have a pretty high pain thresh hold. I have had an abdominal surgery before... and although it was 10 years ago, I was back to work in a week.
I'm still in pain... I was reminded today that it has only been two weeks.... take it easy.

well, it turns out that I don't take it easy well... I am a BAD patient. I don't like not being able to do things for myself. This is not the first time that I have had to sit back and watch my family struggle to keep things going (pregnancy issues)... we are a pretty well oiled machine as far as the daily chore type things... we all have our roles, and jobs that help to keep the family running smoothly.... small kids, means schedules make our lives functional.... well I do my share of things around here as does everyone else. Our lives are full... so me being out of the picture puts a little more onto everyone else in the house. That is hard for me to watch.
I have control issues, I guess. My house is my realm... I know where everything is... I am for sure the organizer of the house... so you can imagine how fun I was for the other folks in my house. I was so happy today when I could fix the pantry because people had stuff all over the place... clutter like that kills me... you couldn't tell by the rest of my house, but I am totally "sleeping with the enemy" about my cupboards(did I just date myself there?)
I tried to be nice to people but I'm sure I was a stinky wench on at least a few occasions. I took crazy amounts of pain killers for FIVE days.. I had thought it would be 3... I slowed down considerably but had to take a few for the next couple of days. I am still nursing my son... so I had to have a complicated medicine"plan" and skip a few at night so he could nurse... and the first few days by the time he was done nursing in the morning, I would be shivering from the pain ... truth be told I was hoping he might not be that interested in still nursing.. but he has come back with a furry. It's ok... just another layer onto my crazy sandwich right now. Hormones can suck. The up and downs of weaning are fun, fun stuff!

The first time I stood up in the hospital to try and pee... I fell to the ground. It felt like my whole front side was going to fall off. I have 11 entry spots... like a clock around my belly button.
my personal self satisfaction with the way that I look couldn't be more difficult right now.
I can't look in the mirror.
I have never felt this way about my body, and it is awful. I guess the truth is that I have been struggling for awhile, but this threw me way out of whack. I have been steadily trying to eat healthy...and have lost about 20 pounds(pre-pregnancy) since my son was born, but my hernia made things really hard... I am trying to use this time to really get my abs back under control... I am way out of shape..and I hate it. I just today did some very mellow stetches.. it felt really good. I am so focused on my abdominals right now (whether I want to be or not) that I figure I can just do isometric exercises all the time. while I lay and read I try and hold in from deep inside... it's something I coouldn't do for the last year and 4 months... any kind of stretching or exercising made my darn hernia pop..so my muscles are SOO weak! baby steps, right?

who knew that laying on my side was so important to me... your core is so instrumental in everything that you do.

I have only been able to stand/walk or lay down flat on my back because sitting is (still) fairly uncomfortable. I do have a yoga ball and that is what I sit at my desk with anyway...so that helps..it is much more gentle than chair.

My husband has been amazing throughout this time. He had one major meltdown... and it had been a week... and I'm sure I would have melted down at some point too. He works hard and then he had to take on my share...which is not so teensy... it's a lot all along with doing ALL the childcare(not used to it) and being "stuck" in the house all day(not very agreeable with that either), plus taking care of me(he tried but it takes a lot to take care of the kids..and they missed their Mama!). His meltdown came from me saying that instead of complaining about how much he was doing, he could say, wow, honey you do a lot around here for us when you're not broken, thank you... but I was a little self absorbed at the time... and truth betold it did sound a little ungrateful, but I still think it could've been nicer said in my way...

My doctor made a fat joke about me the day he came in to let me go home from the hospital.
me: I had just taken my first shower without my binding on..and it hurt and scared me for going home and not having rails to help me, or as much pain relief, and stuff like that.... well you know how in the hospital people knock, but then they just come in... well my surgeon did that ....when my nurse had just helped me put my binding back on and I was using the bed handles to pull myself up to a sitting position...
DR: hyuck hyuck hyuck, how ya doing there, as you pull that big thing up there... hyuck hyuck hyuck
ME: stony silence, thinking, really? did you just say that to me? ...as tears of anger, frustration, and humiliation start to run down my cheeks... I am an incredibly sensitive and emotional person... when I am in control of my stuff..... most people don't see it as much... but when in physical pain, and a drugged, foggy brain (have I ranted on how much I dislike those darn things? but wow, they do work and thank god for them...seriously), well the floodgates opened. albeit silent and bitter..tears nontheless... bastard
DR: so it was harder then you thought it would be huh?
ME: well yeah, I thought I'd be able to go home... and I didn't realize I would have so many holes in me
DR: hyuck hyuck hyuck ....patting my hand condescendingly... everyone says that. ok so I'm writing you a prescription for Vicoden, I'll see you on the 13th.
he walks out the door.
ME: flabbergasted... angry... hurting... scared...

I called my doctor's office on friday morning as soon as they opened ( I had fretted all day thursday about whether or not to call) because I had a few questions about my hernia and a few of my incisions. I get a return call from the receptionist 5 minutes before closing... oh the doctor's on vacation today(oh did you forget that when I talked to you this morning?) and the nurse is off today too(oh you neglected to mention that as well >:/). You DO realize you have an appointment on Tuesday(are you serious...I have to wait for 5 days for someone to answer a question that I feel is really important?)
yes, I know I have an appointment TUESDAY, you know what, never mind. thanks. bye. (this is where I screwed up. I should have been a bitch and said I needed to talk to someone right then.. then I wouldn't have worried for FIVE days. I didn't want to call the doctor on call at my doctor's office, because it was Good Friday, and it took me awhile to stop being really angry and able to think of solutions, Al was working his first long day and I was trying, but having a hard time keeping up with what I needed to be doing. If the stinking receptionist had told me in the morning that the doctor was out(and I had known this too, but forgot...I was doped up for days, I tell you...confused...sleepy) I would have been able to problem solve and call my doctor... I get weird about calling, because my sister is a doctor and I know it is hard on them... and I don't have insurance so I feel worse then if an insurance company paid them..anyway....
I wait til Tuesday and the doctor's appointment is cancelled because of an emergency surgery... which I get, but I already waited 5 days. Why couldn't a nurse called me Monday... why was that too much to ask?
So I ended up seeing a very nice doctor today, I have a rubber bouncy ball sized bump below where my hernia was repaired... it felt to me like a piece that I used to put back in before... I had been so swollen and dopey that I didn't notice it until last Thursday...and it felt like it was getting bigger(or maybe my swelling was gong down?) the thought that he had missed something or messed something up, threw me into a panic. the thought of going back under right now makes me want to cry.... and for 5 days I thought that because my doctor and his whole staff, was too busy to call me back. butt heads.
It turns out it is probably just a hematoma(?)(a bubble of blood/fluid) from the suture site which will most likely get re-absorbed into my body(Mmm). I'll find out when I go back in next Tuesday, if he doesn't get called into surgery, that is.
The thought of literally sticking needles into my eyes, sounds more appealing to me than going to see my doctor. rock on.

I am an ungrateful wench.... my uncle went into surgery a few days after me... he was not as lucky as I and went back again today... we are praying he will pull through.. its up and down for him.
I am fine. and ungrateful. rock on.

I really am feeling much, much better after talking with my doctor today. I am writing a letter to the hospital. It will be very polite but realistic about my frustrations with my doctor. They are real and valid.
I am so very thankful that soon, I will be feeling much better...everyday since Saturday has been a little bit more like me again...
oh and did I mention that I freaked out and cut off all of my hair? 5 days ago? and have cut it everyday since?
oh yeah... CARAZY!!
that's me.. my daughter threatened to take the scissors.. I told her don't bother there is nothing left! : ) it's just hair.. but I am still sad. I just wanted to trim it, but it just didn't look good any of the ways I cut it... it is literally a few inches all over now...I probably cut 8 inches in the back ... CARAZY!!
I think I was hormonal... and also my lovely eldest told me my hair made me look like a senior citizen before I cut it...
was that a compliment? really?
thanks kid...I'm in my frickin thirties for the love of Pete! thanks kid. way to boost my moral! <:/
anyway my belly is killing me at this point and I am drained. so sorry to have this be so convoluted... I have had a lot on my mind. oh and we dyed eggs and had a lovely day on Easter. mellow but lovely. I've missed being here. I promise the next post will make more sense! : ) good night!

Today I am thankful that the worst is over and only better time are coming!
Today I am thankful for the amazing, kind,and gentle nurses that I came in contact with during my stay in the hospital.
{by the way, I've been thinking of making cookies for the nurses station where I stayed... weird or nice? what do you think? and how many would I need..it seems like a lot! any ideas?)
I am grateful for my family for putting up with my cranky medicated BIG BUTT!!

a quickie

WARNING: everything here has been written by a girl on numerous painkillers.

Hi all!
I made it through the surgery!
I ended up getting ELEVEN holes in my body, staying overnight at the hospital(which was not expected... but neither were 11 holes!!)
I am home and on a good amount of pain medicine.
I am doing alright. but it is a bit of a struggle...
my next post will be one about humility and how I think that is one lesson that I need to learn from this experience.
one of the hardest things ion the world for me is to have to depend on other people to take care OF me...I'm a much better caretaker than a care receiver... it makes me feel guilty and is very uncomfortable for me...
all of this being said...
I am healthy(enough) and headed to bed.
Just wanted to thank you all for your thoughts and prayers and let you know that I am among the living... the drug induced and overwhelmed perhaps but here and kicking nontheless.

Today I am grateful to have a family who will take care of me.
I am thankful that my surgery was successful.
I am thankful that in a month this will all be a memory and I will be feeling MUCH better!